school refuses to respond to me, only sends demands for donations

[DivorcedDad123]

I am a divorced dad of twins, 6 years old, I am the lessor party in the divorce so have been pushed out of the area in the divorce settlement. I am an engaged father and always have been, 50% custody, all the hospital visits, parks every weekend. My ex wife was physically abusive once the children were born and has broadcast far and wide what a bad husband I am, she was arrested for assault but hired a great and expensive barrister to get her off the charge. The school refuses to engage with me, will not return an email or telephone message. One of my children pulled down their pants in the school yard on one of my days, I was never called and the boy is 6 so I couldn't get a straight story from him. I emailed the school, responded to their letter but got nothing. I only receive their demands for donations to pay for whatever they require next. Any advice? because all I can think of is requesting an audit of their financial records to make my point. Its impossible to parent in a situation where you have no details of what has actually happened and your treated like a pariah by the other parents.

This again.

You sound absolutely enraged.

It's difficult to understand the truth of what's going on here but for the sake of your children stop this war around them. Focus only on what is important for their wellbeing rather than creating battles at every opportunity.

If you have genuine concerns that aren't part of your war and vendetta, speak to social services.

If your contact arrangements don't suffice, get a court order.

It sounds like you are totally focused either on yourself or on your ex. Get some perspective.

Do you have your children's best interest and welfare at heart? Because every post is about how you have been wronged, about how abusive your ex is to you, about waging war on the school and the headmaster and their reactions to you. You don't actually seem to emphasise really parenting or making your children feel safe at all. I can see there is a lot more to this story than you are letting on. You've added lots of unnecessary emotive language and stories into a situation that should be about your children.

If you are genuinely concerned about your child being locked out of the house then you speak to social services. Though I'm not sure how you know that to be the gospel truth as, in your words, they are only 6 so can't give a straight story. You used their age as a reason why they couldn't fully explain the removing pants situation at school, but they can tell the story of being locked out the house as fact suddenly?

Thank you @Bootothegoose for the OFSTED advice, the school will call me when the boys are unwell and have to be collected.

You can't just complain to ofsted. You have to go through the whole schools complaint process first. Even then, if the complaint is not about a whole school issue, ofsted will bounce you back to the school.

You can't control the school as much as you might want to.

To be honest you sound like a high-conflict individual and the school are probably grey rocking you.

There is lots of superfluous, anger-based information in your posts and you sound quite superior with all that business about giving your council tax to an organisation that can do better with it ....

Plus why on earth should your ex show any remorse about her boss's apparent actions?

Oh sorry you mean the boss wasn't contrite. Still, not sure why you are so interested or invested in this.

Telephone and say you need an appointment with the head teacher to clarify a guardianship issue.

Done a number of weeks ago @2bazookas , good advice.

"So I had to take a day off to service my car and I decided to visit the school and discuss the communication matter face to face with the head of the school. I was politely accepted and we stat down and I received 5 mins about how my ex wife had handled the issue (written note in the children's bag). It was like I didn't exist but I let him speak and politely notified him that I was a proactive, hands on parent and it had fallen to me to deal with the matter as the child was in my care that evening."

Waiting to see if the school will engage with me when required in a constructive manner

You are ignoring the posts questioning your motives. Again, you cannot control a school.

Their mum may have specified that all concerns go to her. I would see if there is anything on their account that says information can't be shared with you. Check they have you down as having Parental Responsibility and what days you have the children are the days to be contacted.
May be worth asking to speak to the designated safeguarding lead.

You’re coming across as very vindictive in your posts.

I’d love to hear your ex-wife’s take on this as I’m guessing it’s not as straightforward as you’re saying.

If I'm understanding it correctly, there was an incident with one of your children. Both parents were informed. One replied asking for more details, the other said the child had been spoken to. The school felt it had been dealt with and moved on.

You feel the school has taken your ex's side so is now ignoring you. You want to escalate this and complain to Ofsted. Even though, by your own admission, the school is in contact with you when your child is unwell, or a report is sent out.

I think the main issue is that you are aligning the school not responding to your reply with the difficult relationship you have with your ex.

In most cases, the school assumes that parents are able to discuss and resolve matters pertaining to their children between themselves. They don't need both parent's opinions about a small incident if one has said it was dealt with. They don't need to tell you about things which happened on a day your ex is in charge of the children, and vice versa. They don't need to acknowledge you at a school event. It doesn't mean they are ignoring you, it means they have other things on their mind.

You come across as argumentative and aggressive.

If you want more communication you need to speak calmly and explain that you and the ex do not share information, that the situation is very difficult and although you recognise it may be a pain for them, you would appreciate all information being sent to both of you.

To be honest, for most parents, the only communication they receive regularly is PTA requests, school trip money requests and reminders about non-school uniform days. They don't send out regular updates about a child's day etc as it would be completely unmanageable.

If a parent is in regular contact with the school it is because the child has SEN, behaviour problems, other safe-guarding concerns or the parent is very needy and is constantly asking about things.

I was going for the positive approach but lets discuss @TopBitchoftheWitches

I have no interest in controlling the school, I had a one line note in the bag and a 6 year old embarrassed and generally easily led from what I see. I requested some more details as I was getting a denial from the child but I am not naive, the school is well run and the head master is very good at his job. He once picked up the same child and put him over his shoulder when he was protesting and giving me hell about going to class. He was greeted by name, picked up and swiftly carried to class, exactly what was needed, I would have done the same but they are twins, 25kgs each and I am not a body builder.

I had zero response to an email and telephone message from the school office. How can you explain to a 6 year old what they did was wrong when you have no knowledge of the circumstances. You can say its wrong but not work through the problem with the child. The action was very out of character and I was pretty sure it was not his idea.

My motive is to parent effectively, I remember clearly that my mother a teacher herself once had a father in front of her blaming the 'fillies' for the fact his son was lazy and a troublemaker. Its a goal of mine never to become that parent, clueless to what their child actually is.

not the case, the head master is well aware of our custody agreement for good reason as we have discussed it and other related matters

"You want to escalate this and complain to Ofsted." never stated this, merely acknowledged the advice from another poster @Littlebluebird123

You seem to have an odd attitude and appear to be unhappy with your ex wife, your divorce settlement, teacher, head teacher and other parents in the school. It’s probably better that you stick to the one issue which you are looking for advice on solving rather than this scatter gun of complaints.

You seem to expect the school to almost co-parent with you, in the absence of you having a civil relationship with your ex.

You say your ex responded to the school. Did she have the need to contact them for more information?

If mum specifies that all concerns go to her, the school is required to ignore that. Unless there is a court order saying otherwise, the school must, by law, give the same information to all parents who have PR.