Fine/ prosecution threat over 5 yr old lateness

[Pullingmyselftogether]

A new head has just stared at my son’s school- he’s 5. Was 3 when pandemic hit so most of school life has been in and out of lockdowns. He’s never settled in school (would cry at gates etc even before pandemic).

Post pandemic, it just got worse - every morning kicking and screaming and crying from the moment he woke. So talked to school and we came up with a plan, which involved things like arriving through a different, quiet part of school to calm him etc and school was understanding.

The first correspondence we get from the new head this week is a shitty, impersonal letter stating how many times he’s been late (loads, I admit) and that we may be fined/ prosecuted if he’s late in the future. He’s 5!! And just come out of a pandemic!!

anyone else experienced anything similar post covid? Any advice? Didn’t respond as I wanted to calm down...

This might sound counter-intuitive, but does the school have a breakfast club that DS could try? It might help him with the transition from home to school - half an hour eating toast & playing with toys, and then going in to class without the drama of leaving a parent.

Yes, thanks. We've tried all of that. I might push for a referral, but know they are reluctant until the age of 7...

Thanks, we did think about this and I'll explore that again, but it was full when we asked previously, and I feel somewhat guilty as I know parents that desperately need the space because of work (I work from home, so I don't need it to work)... but yeah, thanks will try it again

I understand that he does not want to go to school and is really difficult in the morning.
I do think you should tackle the lateness though.
Arriving late at school is disruptive for everyone and he will have missed important settling time.
Have you tried getting there really early?
When DS1 was struggling we tried lots of things including taking a picnic breakfast which we ate near school (I expect we looked bonkers).
I think the non negotiable is he has to go to school and getting there on time is important.

I think this a great response too. Some very unrealistic responses, if it was a case of just being firm and making them no one would ever have an issue getting their DC to school. Spending every morning with a child having a meltdown over going to school, sobbing, screaming, it's exhausting and it hurts going through that everyday. I'd be proactive, ask for a meeting see what they suggest, you'll know soon enough then if the Head is of the mindset you should just force him and problem will be solved or if they have a realistic understanding of the situation and you can work together with the school to improve the situation.

I feel somewhat guilty as I know parents that desperately need the space because of work (I work from home, so I don't need it to work)...

No you shouldn't feel guilty, if that could be the option available for you, then you definitely deserve to take it. Your dc's needs is as important as others.

The school should have called you in for a chat and not just sent a letter. But thry can't just ignore constant lateness. Both you and the school need to work together to sort out this problem.

If the letter was impersonal, it's possible it was just part of a general procedure for dealing with persistent absence/lateness.

I would go for a polite reply saying that you understand that he'she is still getting to know the pupils, but if they talk to the class teacher/SENCO they'll discover that you are working with the school to try and get DS into school on time and in the right frame of mind for learning. You'd be very happy to meet to review how that is going and discuss any further advice they might have, or any alternative strategies to try.

Some kids struggle with "transitions" between home/school (or anywhere else) much more than others. The advice that works for most does not always work in those cases...

Thank you, yes, I drafted a letter with some of your suggestions too. I do get it, but when you're threatening fines and prosecution, then you need to explain and communicate properly, I think.

thanks! :)

I think this may have been a shock for you, but it could be a great chance to work with school to sort this out.

My friend's dd was similar in early years. School made an arrangement that she can come into school 30 mins early, parent drop her off in the classroom directly to the teacher/ta while it's quiet. She spent time in the classroom, sometimes helping teacher/TA setting the classroom ready for lesson.

Oo, I like this idea. It would be worth chatting about that, thank you! It may not be feasible with staff numbers etc, but worth a chat...
thanks for the encouragement 😀

Good luck!

It doesn't matter if he's not 15 .... he really IS missing a bit of a lesson every day when he's late AND disrupting all the other children too.
My daughter is in Y1 and they do go in to their phonics groups every morning as soon as they get into school.... I would not be remotely impressed if a child in phonics group was turning up late every day and disrupting the flow of the session every day!
This situation doesn't just affect you and your child!

"He's really not missing any 'lesson' (he's not 15) and I'd rather have a well adjusted child that I can guide through a tricky period of his life than have him shut down emotionally so that he can be a tick in a box for a school that appears 'good' because of numbers on paper."
This is what's a bit worrying. School at age 5 is arguably far more important than at 15. You're laying the foundations for his future relationship with school, and fitting into the bigger group, adapting to school routine and getting used to doing what the teachers ask when they ask it is all part of those early lessons. The 5 or 10 minutes learning lost is not nearly as important as the fact that you don't care enough about the school rules to make it clear that they are important. Being on time, lining up with the other children and doing what everyone else is doing is actually really important for his emotional health. Allowing him to be in charge isn't guiding him through a tricky period. You really don't sound as iif you care that much, and that's not helping him sense a firm boundary that he goes to school every day at the same time cone what may. Which could be adding to the resistance as he knows that if he pushes hard enough there is some leeway.

Emotionally based school avoidance, often abbreviated to EBSA, is what your child could be experiencing. It is not a choice on anyones behalf that he is late, he is struggling emotionally and a fine won’t change that. Support around EBSA is what’s needed and not threats. It’s not the same as the family that is late because they were taking the dog for a walk or because they persistently stop at Cafe Nero for a cheeky coffee on the way. Or the family that always get up late with no underlying great issue that couldn’t be addressed. I deal with this as a SENCo and it’s complex and can take time to figure out what is going to work for a child. At my school, fines wouldn’t be threatened and as far as I’m aware, we haven’t been directed to do so by any ‘higher’ authority.

@BishyBarnyBee Give OP a break. If she wasn't concerned and didn't care, she wouldn't have started this thread. Uncaring parent would have just ignored harsh letter from school, don't you think?

I have a friend who really struggled. They were most dedicated parents you can ever meet. But my friend and her dc needed all the support the school can give.

@Pullingmyselftogether check out your school or local authority's policy on Anxiety Based School Avoidance.

She clearly cares deeply about her child and sounds like a lovely caring mum. But she's posted this in response to feeling reprimanded by the letter, not asking how she can improve her child's attendance.
She's said twice "it's not like he's 15" so she is minimising any acknowledgement that there might be a good reason for the school to care about this other than ticking boxes. I was just offering some thoughts on why it might actually be important.
Also, many children with additional needs - though obviously not all - respond well to clear routines and boundaries. If his behaviour sometimes results in a delay in going to school, that reinforces the behaviour. I wouldn't assume that was what was going on here, but the OPs repeated insistence that this really doesn't matter might mean that it's worth considering.

Thank you so much for this. I will look into it and also raise it with his teacher so we can explore it further. Really, really grateful. It helps so much being able to articulate things and have the vocabulary to be able to constructively talk and tackle these issues.
Thank you!

Thanks so much for the moral support and understanding 😊Honestly this thread has helped me move from a place of anger and frustration today - to being really hopeful that we'll find a meaningful way of helping him.

will do - thank you!

How late are you actually in the mornings?

Is he marked as late or absent for the morning sessions?

My child doesn't much like going into school. I have got a bus pass for him because he enjoys going on the bus ...

Oh been there. It was dds meltdowns that were making ds late for school. Every task would become a battle. An epic battle. And the result was the same regardless of what time we got up. Thats a crucial point.

This is what worked for us:

• dd picked her clothes the night before
• pictogram/hairstyle menu card so she could choose a hairstyle
• dd picked her lunchbox the night before (made a pivtogram for the fridge)
• cycling to school

What exactly triggers your ds in the norning?

Just to echo the breakfast club idea - my DS was not as extreme as yours (no vomiting thankfully) but he did have to be peeled off me every morning and carried into school by the teacher whilst screaming "no mummy, please mummy no!" Honestly it was awful so I sympathise. Breakfast club plus a supportive class teacher solved the problem immediately. I think she used to give him special jobs so he felt it was important to be there because he was clearly indispensable and Miss Mainwaring would not be able to manage without him 😂
But it was the breakfast club that really made the difference.