4+ rejection

[ducatimum]

Hi mums. sorry just wanted to vent.
Got a no from NLCS 4+ yesterday and now I'm super super deflated.
I didn't realise it would hit me this hard.

Honestly I think I have massively underestimate this whole 4+ process... I didn't prep her near enough, no tutoring, just reading and puzzles. I naively thought that, at 4, if she gets in she gets in!

Then yesterday we got the email. My immediate reaction was 'oh ok fine' and just carried on with work. Then came the evening I couldn't stop thinking about it. Thinking that I had failed my DD , that I should have prepared her, or even got her a coach. Should have taken it more seriously!! I've been so lucky throughout my life that I have never had a school / uni/ job rejection. I honestly did not prepare myself for that.

Ofc I tried not to show it in front of DD, we have not talked about it yet.
Now I'm just feeling so depressed and so deflated I hope DD has not noticed!

It is quite normal to feel like that. A rejection for child is even worse than others as it feels so personal. However this feeling will pass soon. She is only little and has her whole life and opportunities ahead of her. She has already done so well to get to second round with any prep. Do you have any other school offers or options for her?

4 - 4 years of age? Was there some test or something? When I worked in a place with a nursery we couldn’t take on all the children and would have to balance those paying the full whack Vs those with free places because we were a charity and couldn’t afford a misbalance. Plus those aren’t siblings, members of the church etc has priority.

Is it only NLCS that you applied for?

Thanks for your kind words x
No, we only applied for the one. Backup is the nearby state. Her dad is a bit extreme, he was thinking DD can either get in the best school (which to him is NLCS) , otherwise it does not matter where she goes...!

Now that DD didn't get in, he is already thinking to prep her for 7+... signing her up for kumon classes, extra tutoring, etc.
Which, to me, is overreacting a bit?!?? As a result of his upbringing he has got kind of a near military mindset. We had arguments after arguments before 4+ that I was taking it too easy on DD. But I said, look, let's see if this works. let's not push her too hard. If she gets in she gets in. And now of course.... she didn't!!! :(

Awkwardly, everyone we know seem to have got in the schools they wanted. I feel like I have no one to talk to...

How does he know NLCS is the only right school for her? Has he attended he been to multiple schools and did his research? Or this is just his perception?

Kumon classes and tutoring is such a wrong way to go. Poor her. She seems like a bright child. Work with her and for her! Not for NLCS. She is the asset here not a particular school.

What's the end goal of these selective schools? Why are you disappointed?

because it means your daughter's not Naturally Brilliant
because she needs to go there in order to earn 6 figures when she's older
because she'll get opportunities for skiing trips and wine-tasting
because she'll meet nicer people and be happier

If the first - well, deal. Very few kids are (and of the ones who are, quite a few don't learn how to learn till it's nearly or actually too late).

If the third - seek out other opportunities, with the money you're saving

If the last - well, you know it's bollocks, don't you? I mean, yes, you're cutting out the kids whose parents don't value education and the ones who get targetted by county lines gangs; but drugs, bullying, sexual assault, peer pressure and oppressively-high expectations can all happen in private selective schools.

Which just leaves the Obscenely High Earning Future. Even that is apparently becoming less of an issue now: according to various MN threads there are literally tens of state-educated people working in high finance

Consider: only about 7% of children in total are educated at fee-paying schools. Not all of the rest are unemployable.

Sorry to hear this. Selection at 4 is a pretty random process and not in any way a reason to feel bad about yourself or your daughter- NLCS is massively oversubscribed so they simply pick the children who did X or Y on the day but obviously at that age it doesn't mean a huge amount about their intelligence or ability.

Are you happy with the state school? (I mean, in itself not because it's not North London.)

If you are still keen on NLCS I'd phone them and say so and ask what the options are. I don't know whether there is a waiting list or list for occasional places but there may be. Or maybe reapply at 7 if it seems the right option at that time, but I'd strongly recommend applying to multiple schools- all the academic indies in North London are very over-subscribed so even the brightest kid is unlikely to get in everywhere. It's a bit of a numbers game.

Or you may be entirely happy with the state school in which case it's win-win.

Remind yourself that your daughter is 4. Just 4 years old. You did 100% the right thing in prepping her the way you did. Do you want her to look back on her early childhood and remember happy times spent doing fun stuff with mum, or that she had to sit doing endless work and tasks and boring stuff? To get into a school where she would then spend 14 years of her life.

I also disagree with the 7+ process for the same reason. By age 11 you have a much better idea of what sort of person your daughter is both academically and in terms of hobbies. I think that’s the time to start thinking about preparing for.

My DD got offered a place at NLCS at 11 but (shock horror) we turned it down. The more we got to know the school the more we realised it didn’t actually suit her that well. It’s very easy to get blinded by the stellar exam results and reputation.

If I'm honest I see a lot of people on MN saying, oh we applied to NLCS (and NLCS alone) and didn't get in. Im always so confused - it's like trying to go for a ceo role with no experience! Your child is clearly very smart - she got to round 2 - but why did you not try for other schools? don't despair. I'm sure she will do well at 7+!

I've just taken it too personally...

I forgot that this is not an assessment on how good I am as a mother, how well I have prepared her,
how much time I have spent with her reading/doing puzzles,
how long we have sat together practicing writing her own name,
how many burnt cookies we have baked together,
how many failed pancake flips we did...

Just have to remind myself that this is for her and not me...!!

Any prep at 4 is a bit crazy tbh

Your dc didn’t need a tutor

Consider: only about 7% of children in total are educated at fee-paying schools.

A little misleading. 7% of children are being educated in the independent sector at any one time. Something like 25% (from memory) have been educated in the independent sector at some point during their education.
The figure also masks the fact that at any one time only a much smaller percentage of children are in independent education in key stage 1, whilst a much greater proportion are in the independent sector for sixth form.

And just now speaking to a friend whose DD got into STAHS, she said 'well at least you get the wake up call now and not later!'
LOL

@ducatimum That’s the sort of friend you don’t want in your life. How rude!!!!!!!

Every child develops differently. No way my DD would have got into NLCS at 4. Very late summer born and whilst coped fine in reception you could see the older children were streets ahead. Something really “clicked” in between years 3 and 4. Top of top sets, a place at NLCS, an academic scholarship at another, a place at the school she now attends and a grammar place. With NO extra tuition (although for full disclosure she was at a prep).

It’s important to find the RIGHT school, not the one with best league table grades.

You both did awesome. Now forget about it and watch some telly……..

I don’t get it. Why must it be NCLS or state? That seems very extreme. Just get on a waiting list for a non-selective prep school. There are some wonderful ones out there (dd is at one).

Assessment at age 4 is ridiculous and I’d have been very uncomfortable sending dd somewhere like that.

If you were aiming for NCLS you’re going to struggle with the powerlessness and frustrations of having a child at state school.

@Zodlebud I could give you a massive hug right now!!!!

@Thirtytimesround

I don’t get it. Why must it be NCLS or state? That seems very extreme. Just get on a waiting list for a non-selective prep school. There are some wonderful ones out there (dd is at one).

Assessment at age 4 is ridiculous and I’d have been very uncomfortable sending dd somewhere like that.

If you were aiming for NCLS you’re going to struggle with the powerlessness and frustrations of having a child at state school.

The OP already said it was her husband who insisted NCLS or state.

Assessment at 4 is normal for top private schools, they don't 'test' the child, rather observe and do activities, puzzles, the child should walk away thinking they just had some fun.

In in-exact science and a guess at potential at best.

How else do you decide who to accept from 100's of applicants ?

Apart from a ballot, there is no real other way, first come first served favours those 'in the know'.

Any rejection for your dear child is difficult to accept. It sounds like you did the right prep for her without going overboard.
I know lots of parents who got that rejection email from NLCS yesterday. It really is heartbreakingly difficult but it’s purely a numbers game. They are massively oversubscribed and have to make the cut off somewhere. Please do see if the nearby prep schools have places now that 4+ offers are out. The likes of Radlett Prep, Holland House, Edgegrove and Manor Lodge do well for preparing children for NLCS at 11+

@ducatimum

And just now speaking to a friend whose DD got into STAHS, she said 'well at least you get the wake up call now and not later!' LOL

Your friend is not a friend, that is astoundingly rude and snobby!

Your DD is 4, you spend time with her, read to her and do things with her, she will have a great life.

I know nothing of private schools but certainly did not know at aged 4 how either of my dses were going to progress or what their academic ability was. Ds1 could not read a word when he started school at almost 5, (October born) and is now in his first year at Oxford University, having been through the state school system and very big standard schools at that!

At 4 you just want them to be happy, able to make friends and to enjoy learning.

@Skyblue09
many thanks for that, really helpful to know!

If you realistically want a shot at 7+ then you need to find prep not send her state. But go visit lots of schools and find one you think she will be happy with. Do not shove her in the nearest primary and then tutor her to within inch of her life. That's such a miserable existence for a young child.

Your child is still so young. You haven't done anything wrong.

There's still 7+ ,11+ entry and 6th form entry too if NLCS is what school you've set your heart on.

Also apply for others too.

I went to an all girls academic school from the age of 7-16. The last two years were awful for me with a lot of bullying. My parents kept me there and told me to ignore things because of it's reputation.

Your DD would have likely skipped into another selective school which wasnt as competitive as NLCS. The schools near me which are sought after expect you to be 2 yrs ahead ay 7+. The tutoring is shocking never mind paying for private prep too. One Dc has had a tutor since he was 3. Reading books for 10yr olds when he was 6. Natural ability wont be enough for these schools, you would be doing your DC a diservice to throw them into an assessment without understanding the standard expected. A neighbours son didnt get through the first round of the online assessments for a sought after school, they thought raw ability would be enough but these were reasoning and most will have practised these. Her son however was offered another good private but not as competitive. NLCS may not be the school for your DD and you have plenty of good schools in north london.

You need to be more open to exploring other options, visit the schools and make a decision on best fit. I have zero interest in over tutoring DC to squeeze them into a school where they will struggle. I would rather help them with assessment practice and do that.

Sorry for your disappointment, OP.

You may come, in time, to view this as a blessing in disguise. It’s just not possible at 4+ to assess whether any given school is going to be the right fit for a child long-term. NLCS might be great for your DD in due course, or it might not. Fortunately there are all sorts of schools in London to cater to all sorts of children.

FWIW, we would have picked absolutely the wrong schools for both DC had we committed to an all-through option at 4+. Even at 11+ we got it wrong for DD, but finally found her perfect fit at 13+.

Enjoy your time with your little DD. All the puzzles, all the baking, all the flipped pancakes. You’re giving her a lovely early childhood, and there is plenty of time ahead to find schools just right for her, and where she will flourish.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Be glad that you got to spend so much time with your daughter and make memories with her.
I can tell you that the 4+ is a lottery- not a reflection of your child's ability or lack of and most definitely not a reflection of your own ability. Chin up, smile and give your daughter a cuddle. You will be laughing about this in a few year's time.