4+ rejection

[ducatimum]

Hi mums. sorry just wanted to vent.
Got a no from NLCS 4+ yesterday and now I'm super super deflated.
I didn't realise it would hit me this hard.

Honestly I think I have massively underestimate this whole 4+ process... I didn't prep her near enough, no tutoring, just reading and puzzles. I naively thought that, at 4, if she gets in she gets in!

Then yesterday we got the email. My immediate reaction was 'oh ok fine' and just carried on with work. Then came the evening I couldn't stop thinking about it. Thinking that I had failed my DD , that I should have prepared her, or even got her a coach. Should have taken it more seriously!! I've been so lucky throughout my life that I have never had a school / uni/ job rejection. I honestly did not prepare myself for that.

Ofc I tried not to show it in front of DD, we have not talked about it yet.
Now I'm just feeling so depressed and so deflated I hope DD has not noticed!

Many DD went through intensive, even inhuman preparation and didn’t get in NLCS at 4+ or 7+. If you decide to do 7+, just remember to apply multiple schools. Kids this age can easily have a “bad day”. Good luck.

It seems very intense for a 4 year old - we chose a local prep school nursery for DS. We went with that because it had a large garden (central London) and the ‘feeling’ - the children seemed happy, the headmaster knew all the kids names - they were running up to him to chat to him, the classrooms were bright and full of drawings and books… We had no idea of DS was a child who would go on to 11+ etc.

You did the right thing. No school is worth intensively tutoring a 3/4 year old- it’s inappropriate. It’s easy to lose perspective but it’s not that important in the grand scheme of things and development is very uneven at this age which is why some of the best preps don’t even bother with a 4+ selection or just run it as a lottery (Bute House).

Not sure why you are so fixated on NLCS. both my DD and DiL turned down a place at 11 and refused to go there. You can’t even be sure that it is the right place for her. If you plan to enter her for 7+ entrance then she will need a tutor. Have you looked at other schools? My GD loves Habs and is doing really well. At 7 they can go on the coach and she really loves the independence.

I think it’s a mistake to get too fixated rather than look for right school for the child

We were later told at this school that it wasn’t academic enough for him (by the head). His was always top of the year - easily.

We moved to another school - bugger me it was a sausage factory and some of the children I met had nervous tics and behavioural problems (I had studied child development).

DS hated it - and I mean screaming and kicking hated it. Happy at home but would cry at school (and this kid never cried - he wasn’t a crier). His teacher gave me the willies (I told myself I was being silly). The school decided that it wasn’t them - and they came after us (very nastily). Luckily we have enough teachers, SEND teachers and child psychologists in the family who advised us that this was a toxic environment for him and we had to get DS out before they damaged him, which we did. We moved to another ‘nurturing’ school which focused on the child and not the exam results. On day one I nervously waited for him - he came careering out in a gang of children, laughing and just so bloody happy. The Head adored him and said he was a lovely happy child. It was night and day.

He still won’t say exactly why he hated the other place - maybe it was just a feeling, or the behaviour of other kids tapping, muttering to themselves…

Either way - go with your gut and focus on the child being happy. A happy child will learn to their best - and unhappy child, or a stressed child is just heartbreaking.

Enjoy the time with her. Do puzzles, read books, sing to her, play family games, watch movies together as a family, do baking and cooking etc too. Other activities include scrapbooking, acting as a animal, improvisation, mine and the like. You could also teach her writing, reading, speaking and listening skills as a addition. Teach her counting via games. Take lots of nice photos.

@ducatimum so sorry to hear it has caused you grief, sending you a virtual hug! I promise you one day you will look back and be able to lauugh about this, but it may take a while.

I have two now older daughters, neither of which even passed the first round at NLCS. They both sailed into another selective academic girls' prep though, so I felt vindicated. While very smart, the older one is very strong-willed and inflexible though and likes to do only what she wants to do - she had a hard time in the academic prep despite doing very well academically and I switched her to a relaxed co-ed prep where she is very happy and doing very well. The youngest was my super geek who I was sure would be "discovered" by NLCS. She was very shy though and had separation anxiety so cried for some part of the assessment - they were lovely though and let her settle down, so they started her assessment later and ended it later. In the end, to my surprise she didn't pass either. She did extremely well at the other academic prep though, top of the class, always getting extension and challenges, being picked for poetry and maths competitions and so forth, so in a way, you could say NLCS got it "wrong". At the same time though, I am happy to have a choice of different schools at 11+ and we will likely try for grammar schools for her.

My point is, either NLCS got it right and it just isn't the best place for your daughter to thrive, and that is about much more than ability, they also seem very good at picking the right type of personalities. Or, which of course also happens, your child is brilliant after all and just failed to make the cut, in which case she will surely do brilliantly anywhere and she will have many options at 11+, which you can then decide on based on her interests and preferences.

What you also have to tell yourself that it has very little to do with what you are or are not doing, your child has the personality and the ability that she has. Given how much the rejection hurt you, it may also be best for your own well-being to remove yourself from the hyper competitive environment of North London private school parents, you will get caught up in it for sure. You need to be quite a confident and relaxed type to be able to be surrounded by these types of parents and just shrug it off when they boast about their children's achievements. Surround yourself with nice, relaxed parents who care about their children's happiness above all else and you will likely be much happier yourself. Hope you find a nice school for your daughter! I am happy in hindsight neither of my DDs got into NLCS, it wouldn't have been the right school for them.

It's a popular school, they only have so many places, I wouldn't read too much into it - they may have even drawn them from a hat of suitable applications!

Try to let her be a kid!

@Zodlebud

My dd couldn't speak at 4, she got straight a*'s at gcse at her state school. Testing at 4 is actually a test of development rather than academic potential, there's little correlation between advanced fine motor skills and speech at 4 and academic achievement at 18!

NLCS typically has 350 applicants for 40 places OP, so you're not in a minority being turned down for a place (I think there might be even more applicants this year due to parents being unhappy with lockdown provision). We didn't get through either, but we have a place in a lovely non-selective prep which we're happy with. I would consider looking again at the other private options, especially if you're considering 7+. Although many children get in from state schools + tutoring, it's quite a burden on the parent and a bit isolating for the child to be the only child doing the prep in their class. There are lots of options in London, and even the most popular preps will have movement on waiting lists now that offers have come out.

4?!!!! She's 4!! Stop prepping and tutoring and expecting so much of her.

@gogohm I know. This was my point entirely. The “lucky” few who get identified as having what it takes aged 3-4 aren’t always those who go onto do the best later in life. It’s all totally arbitrary anyway. I actively avoided any school with a 4+ assessment as it’s utterly bonkers.

Happy, confident children who love learning are those who go onto succeed later in life. Also to remind people that success can be measured in many different ways, not just academic results.

I’m sorry you’re disappointed but selection at age four is wrong. If a child needs tutoring and coaching, it’s not the school for them.

In north london 99% DC went through prep (either from tutor or parent or a prep school) to super selective schools. It’s nothing wrong to do 4+ In order to avoid further stress on 7+ or 11+. If you get in you get in, if not try a couple of years later.

Thanks everyone for the virtual hugs and advice!! Really really appreciate it :)
I'm going to ring round a few families that we know to find out more about the other 'backup' preps in our area. I'm personally not had my mind firmly set on 7+ NLCS (unlike DH), just keeping options open. It could be an opportunity to look at different schools at 7+ or 11+ as we are considering moving (within London) sometime in the next couple of years.

I think I would want to let her enjoy reception this year and if we were to get her tutoring, it can at least wait until year 1 or 2.

In the meantime I've just got DD and myself tickets to see Sing 2 tomorrow!!

@7plus11plus

Yes exactly that's the reason why we soooooo hoped that she would get in at 4. Come to think of it, it was because of selfish reasons - that we wanted to avoid the stress of going through this again at 7 and/or 11.

@ducatimum - what was there about NLCS which made you so keen on it being the right school for your DD?

@Parker231

It was more my DH, somehow he thought it was the best school in North London.
We have both visited the school and are very impressed by the facilities and the girls we spoke to who took us round on one of the open days. I am personally more open to other preps but after visiting a few DH has had his mind set on NLCS...
We both came from top boarding /private school backgrounds so have, maybe unrealistically, high expectations of our DD...

[quote ducatimum]@7plus11plus

Yes exactly that's the reason why we soooooo hoped that she would get in at 4. Come to think of it, it was because of selfish reasons - that we wanted to avoid the stress of going through this again at 7 and/or 11.[/quote]
It’s nothing selfish of doing this. You want the best for your DC.

Try again at 7+ if you really want NLCS and start preparing now. It is hard. I know many DD got 4-5 offers from top preps all over london and still rejected by NLCS at 7+.

I think it’s really important not to set your hearts too firmly on a particular school, especially in the ultra-competitive North London day schools market. Realistically they choose you, or not, at any given entry point.

If you get into the mindset that any selection process is about finding the right fit for your DD at each stage of her development then it will be much healthier both for you and her. Embrace “rejection”, if you can, as a sign that it just wouldn’t have been right for her, right now. She need never feel rejected if you just let her know that you are still working out which school is going to be perfect for her, and that the schools are helping you work that out.

PS a school doesn’t have to be highly selective in order to get the best out of a particular child. Many children are reaching their potential and achieving wonderful things in an environment which embraces a range of abilities.

I went through the assessment process at 11 for NLCS/Habs/SPGS etc many years ago and failed to secure a place at any. My parents had the same view as your DH that it was a top school or nothing. I was constantly told how bright I was and that I should be able to get in (state primary and tutored). I can say with hindsight it was honestly the worst experience ever. I did not have the motivation to work myself and can say looking back, I was just not mature enough for it. I would not have fitted in if I had got a place. But it all did wonders for knocking my confidence down to rock bottom.

I first went to local comp then my parents applied me for an in year place at another private in Y9 (not one of the top schools) and they slowly built my confidence back up. As far as achievements go, I left school with nothing lower than A* in GCSEs and straight A at A level. I went onto a good uni, 1st class degree and am very happy with my career. But I can say with certainty, the cut throat high achievers at NLCS were not for me.

I know my experience was much later than your DDs but the main reason I am saying this is that it doesn't need to be top school or nothing. Think about what you want for your DD from the school you pick. Paying NLCS fees from 4 to avoid 7+ and 11+ doesn't justify the cost IMO - there are other nearby preps which people have mentioned that cost less, offer an excellent education with very good 11+ success rates. You may even decide at 11 that NLCS is not the school for her

4+ is bonkers. Most of them will be 3 which is not an age to reliably predict future performance! Plus the gap between the oldest and youngest attendees can be vast at that age. I don't know the answer for such an oversubscribed school, but they must miss out on some fantastic kids. Don't worry OP. I'd screenshot @Zodlebud 's post if I were you and keep looking at it when you're feeling down about it.