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Primary education

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Original poster

7 year old “mean girls”

58 replies

Mamabearwhere · 30/01/2022 00:28

I can’t believe I’m having to ask this but how can girls as young as 7 be so mean!? My dd has been having issues with a group of girls who she considers her friends but their behaviours are classic mean girl. Examples like “you can’t sit there, that’s for so and so” or “you can’t play with us” / “you’re not allowed to join in” etc. My dd is very gentle by nature so she doesn’t know/can’t be mean back or even stand up for herself in the way that she should. She’s worried about being in trouble by teachers for being unkind. I’ve explained it’s ok for her to tell her friends that they’re being mean and that’s not a nice way to behave but I think she’d rather just play it safe and hope they will just let her play with them and she genuinely considers them friends because we’ve done play dates in the past etc.

My heart breaks for her. I see how they behave at birthday parties so it makes complete sense and I don’t think she’s exaggerating.

What do I do? I approached a mum when it first started last year (me and this mum are v close) and she her response “they’re just girls and it will get worse when they get older”. She’s literally proudly raising a little bully brat of a child.

How do I approach this? The school in the past have been dismissive and say they’ve not noticed anything but I’m tempted to speak to the head directly and demand this to be taken seriously. It’s borderline if not actual bullying and maybe that mum is right, it will get worse UNLESS it stops now.

OP posts:
WindowsSmindows · 30/01/2022 00:34

Speak to the head. But don't use sexist terms like Mean Girls. They're just children.

7plus11plus · 30/01/2022 01:19

A lot of 7 year old girls behave like this. Mostly spoilt brat. That’s part of the reason we went through 7+ to move DD to a better environment. (Fingers crossed)

Original poster
Mamabearwhere · 30/01/2022 08:48

@7plus11plus unfortunately this is in a private school. We work so hard to be able to afford to send her there, as we wanted and hoped for a nice environment yet here we are.

OP posts:
Rosebuud · 30/01/2022 08:52

This isn’t jist girls, boys do it too, children have behaved like this since time began, I’m surprised you are not aware of it. The other mum is right. It will get worse. Your daughter needs to learn when she’s wanted, how to handle it when kids don’t want her, and resilience. The other mum does need to speak to her child. But you can’t force these kids to be your daughters friend. You can only teach your daughter how to manoeuvre it.

FlexibleWorkingDenied · 30/01/2022 08:52

Ha ha in thinking that a private school would have fewer “mean girl” brats!!

Rosebuud · 30/01/2022 08:54

@7plus11plus

A lot of 7 year old girls behave like this. Mostly spoilt brat. That’s part of the reason we went through 7+ to move DD to a better environment. (Fingers crossed)
It’s not spoilt brat, kids bully intimidate for many reasons, being spoiled is one, so is being bullied and abused at home. And a whole myriad of reasons in between,

Op there is no difference between public and private school in this regard, it’s kids, it happens the world over.

Oblomov22 · 30/01/2022 09:06

Is she new? Joined after primary? Hang on you said play dates and you know the mums?

I'd talk to HoY, because this is nasty and it's not ok. Clearly she needs new friends and some pastoral care to help set up new friends, would be appreciated right now from school.

because the truth is do you really want her being friends with this nasty group of girls? No you don't.

7plus11plus · 30/01/2022 09:14

@Mamabearwhere We are in a private school too, non selective. DD passed 7+ and is going to a highly selective school in September. In our case, I found girls who behave like this are academically behind and have no purpose in study. DD is popular and never lacking friends but I hope we can find a better environment for her.

lollipoprainbow · 30/01/2022 09:14

@Rosebuud the Op said her daughter is gentle by nature how do you expect her to suddenly change and be more assertive ?? Not that easy. I would be talking to head too.

Original poster
Mamabearwhere · 30/01/2022 09:20

Absolutely not interested in these girls being her friends. But I do care about these girls not preventing her from making other friends. At the moment it’s a bit targeted at her and they tend to make other kids not play with her.

Avoiding mean children wasn’t the sole reason of going private but I’d be lying if i said I didn’t hope for a kinder environment. And of course I am aware of bullying, I didn’t have the most pleasant school experience myself which is maybe why I’m hurting to see her go through this already at 7!

And no sexism intended, just she only has issues with these set of girls. Gets on perfectly with boys.

I will speak to the head next week. I have been asking myself what outcome i expect from them though. I’ve also been having gentle convos with my dd to explain that she doesn’t need friends like these and asked her who else she’d like to be friends with so I csn maybe set up play dates etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamabearwhere · 30/01/2022 09:31

@Rosebuud my dd couldn’t hurt a fly and is terrified of authority or getting in trouble so I don’t know how to teach her to be more tough or stand up for herself. If you have tips please share. She says if she says something to these girls then “they’ll tell on me to the teacher” which is obv nonsense. I don’t deny that I have work to do from my part on teaching her resilience and bravery. Up to now I’ve taught her to be kind and caring and treat others how she wants to be treated. That’s got her well in front of the teachers and she’s academically very high achieving but has backfired socially as she can’t stand up to unkindness.

OP posts:
PackChique · 30/01/2022 10:04

Avoiding mean children wasn’t the sole reason of going private but I’d be lying if i said I didn’t hope for a kinder environment.
What made you think that private would provide a kinder environment?

I’ve explained it’s ok for her to tell her friends that they’re being mean and that’s not a nice way to behave but I think she’d rather just play it safe
I don't think it's a very good idea to tell these girls they are mean Confused. Speak to the class teacher and ask for them to encourage more inclusive play. Continue with the play dates, teach your dd social skills by doing role play. She might grow out of her shyness, how about enrolling her in clubs? At some point, your dd will need to stand up to herself but not by calling the others mean, that would be an own goal.

Fantasea · 30/01/2022 10:06

OP, you have my complete sympathy, I could have written your post 20 years ago when my DD was in year 4. The classes at her private school were small and the other 5 or so girls in her class excluded her from playing with them, wouldn't let her stand at certain points in lines, told her she wasn't 'allowed' to play with anyone from another class and whispered about her in the dining room. My DD is also a gentle soul and was terrified of being in trouble for 'telling tales'. She didn't have the skills to defend herself against 5 others. It is bullying, plain and simple, it's not 'rubbing along' and no, not all girls are like this. I complained to the class teacher which resulted in 'having a word' with the girls and nothing changed. I then went to the Head, which I have to admit felt 'extreme' at the time, but nothing really happened to resolve the situation and I ended up removing her at the end of the year and sending her to the local state primary which worked out extremely well. My reasoning at the time was that any bullying that happened there would be for free, currently I was paying for this treatment.

You can't really teach her the skills she needs to take on this challenge, she is facing this every day and it's totally unacceptable. It needs to stop now. How long ago did you speak with the class teacher (I'm presuming this is whom you approached)?. If it was a reasonable time ago, I would complain to him/her again, explaining that nothing has changed and DD is still upset and worried. If things aren't resolved to your complete satisfaction in a timely manner (a week maximum), then I would approach the next 'level' up, so HOY or Head. Don't worry about making a fuss or losing face in front of the mothers of these girls, if you don't stand up for your own child no-one else will.

EvilPea · 30/01/2022 10:14

It’s about finding your people and where you fit. These aren’t your dds friends, these aren’t her people.

It’s really shit if you have to go back every day to that and constantly adjusting how you are so they might want to be with you today.

My suggestions. Get her in lots of outside clubs so school becomes just school and less consuming.
Scouts/ guides is normally a good one for that, but depends on the leaders.

Or move her to a place where she fits better.

It does tend to rear it’s head again at secondary (even in the academic ones), so laying down the ground work now is a good way of ensuring she’s equipped to roll her eyes and deal with it then.

Thirtytimesround · 30/01/2022 10:15

That sounds like bullying and yes I’d speak to the head. It isn’t tolerated at our school.

It is absolutely classic behaviour for age 7 and it’s crucial that the adults around them nip it in the bud, in the same way we teach two year olds not to snatch and hit.

Davina69 · 30/01/2022 10:20

I had similar issues with my DD when she was at primary. The other girls were horrible to her and she would often get upset as she didn't know from one day to the next what she'd done to attract their nastiness.

At senior school it improved when she realised that much of their attitude was caused by how they perceived her home life and the jealousy that caused. Many of them were obviously in desperate need of love and attention.

DD made a conscious decision to get her head down and now in hers 20s, it's interesting that she's the one who's achieved far more than we could've expected and has a quiet confidence that I wish I could mirror everyday. Most of the 'mean girls' from her childhood are sat flashing Daddy's cash on social media but clearly missing direction.

Teach your DD resilience, kindness and compassion and that no matter how bad they treat her, home is always a place of love and happiness. Children like the bullies rarely grow up into happy adults but it's important your DD learns not to let them change her either

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/01/2022 10:30

It is not just girls unfortunately. My DS(7) is in Y2, and there is a definite "sorting out" of social groups, as they become more aware of status markers (maturity, football skills, cool older brother, physical strength, etc). Up until this age they were more accepting and less brutal.

When I think back, it was the same in my day, and I would be careful of dismissing any child who doesn't want to play with yours anymore as a brat, or dismissing the mother when she says this process will inevitably go on. If your DC no longer wanted to play with a particular child would you force her to do so just because you had playdates in the past? Would you allow the other child's mother to insist on this?

Definitely speak to the teacher, and really listen to what she/he tells you. It may be that she can suggest other girls who would be delighted to play with your DC, and you could build on those friendships rather than trying to force insecure friendships where your DC may never be on an equal footing.

Also obviously sign her up for Beavers or art group or drama so she is in groups where school dynamics do not apply.

EvilPea · 30/01/2022 10:36

My ds had it as well. He’s a gentle non sporty soul, but was lucky he found a few like minded people that got him through infants and juniors, unfortunately they didn’t go to his secondary. But those early friends have remained so far and they seem to be a real solid good small group.

Oblomov22 · 30/01/2022 10:40

"tend to make other kids not play with her. "

Actually that's another problem, another level yet again, and must be addressed. And can only be addressed by school. Please at least HoY today.

Beeneatingsomemousse · 30/01/2022 10:45

The school needs to take the lead here.

It is possible to teach children about maintaining positive relationships, and a school absolutely sets the tone on how people treat one another in the community (and their parents, too, although private schools have less leverage on this).

Read the ‘Keeping Children Safe in Education’ document, and refer to it when meeting with school leaders. Bullying isn’t actually as ill-defined as its perpetrators might think, nor are the school’s statutory obligations in keeping your child safe.

Original poster
Mamabearwhere · 30/01/2022 10:54

Thank you all so much for all the info and advice, truly appreciate it. I have drafted an email to be sent first thing tomorrow morning asking for a meeting and will elaborate further in the meeting on all the points raised.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/01/2022 10:57

Also be aware OP that your own negative experiences at school will be colouring your judgement of this situation. Think carefully to what extent your emotions are purely related to what your DD is experiencing right now, and how much anger and hurt you are carrying over from your childhood.

6ixty9ine · 30/01/2022 10:59

I was that girl in school who was mean. All it takes is a stern talking to - they will not do it again. They could even start with a general bullying talk/warning in assembly. I know my heart was pounding because they were talking about me indirectly.

As the mum of a daughter now, I feel so bad your dd. I hope it's all resolved soon.

chipshopElvis · 30/01/2022 11:02

Glad you are going to talk to school, it sounds like a toxic group of kids. I found out that my daughter had been telling another girl that she couldn't play at around the same age. Before I could do anything she had been given a public dressing down by her peers because they knew it was unkind. Not all kids are mean and any sensible parent would intervene.

namethattunein1 · 30/01/2022 11:05

@Mamabearwhere

Thank you all so much for all the info and advice, truly appreciate it. I have drafted an email to be sent first thing tomorrow morning asking for a meeting and will elaborate further in the meeting on all the points raised.
Preps are usually good at getting on top of bullying, and this sounds like classic, cruel bullying.

If the Prep doesn't sort it out, (and quickly) remove your child and send her to a school with better care.