How do I help my five year old with jealousy

[lookingforadvice21]

Hello,

Looking for advice, my DD is 5 and has recently started primary school. She has been low key bullying another girl in her class since school began, I have been doing all that I can to combat this. Consequences, apologies in person at the door for each incident, apology cards.

I'm considering taking my daughter to see a child psychologist to get the route cause of the bullying as I am desperate to nip it in the bud.

Have spoke at lengths with my daughter about why she is behaving this way and tonight she said that the reason she feels bad inside- so behaves badly towards this other child Is because she is jealous. I have explained that we can talk about the reasons she feels jealous and try and stop her feeling bad but it doesn't allow or excuse her behaving in this way towards the other child. It needs to stop. There will be severe consequences if it continues (consequences spelled out to her)

How can I help her with these feeling of jealousy though?

To be completely fair the other little girl Is extremely lavished, LOVELY parents, Do tonnes of adventures and amazing family days out every single weekend. More than any other family I have ever come across in my entire life. This child is absolutely lovely and well liked in the school because of how lovely she is. In comparison my child is having a difficult time at school because she is being unkind and a bully.

Our situation in comparison is that my DD is also EXTREMELY lucky... we live in a super privileged area, she has lots of lovely things, we go on holiday abroad a few times a year, family days out every/every other weekend, me and her dad are happily together.

The other child does have and get more than my daughter (5 holidays a year, Disneyland twice, new toys every weekend, very indulged but a lovely lovely kid and family)

How do I help her with her feelings? Any advice on what more I can do to help here?

I have tried explaining that she's very lucky, some children have nothing, the material things don't really matter and the most important thing is she has a family that adore her and that's all that really matters. She doesn't seem to get it.

Posting in the hope of bumping and getting some replies before I go to bed for the night

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Anyone?

Can you explain what form of bullying? Is it physical?

This is tricky as you have tried to get her to see how lucky she is in comparison to their people but her little five year old brain has become fixated on this other girl and won't listen to reason. Have you asked the school for advice on what to do? If they can't help I think your daughter could actually use some therapeutic intervention before things go too far and the other girl ends up being affected for life by the bullying.

@Goldendeliciousness

Can you explain what form of bullying? Is it physical?

Thank you for replying. Saying unkind things to her, one instance was physical where she dug her nails into her arm and left marks and another where she shouted that the child has hit her when she hadn't trying to cause trouble for her. Other smaller unkindness as well.

@Constance1

This is tricky as you have tried to get her to see how lucky she is in comparison to their people but her little five year old brain has become fixated on this other girl and won't listen to reason. Have you asked the school for advice on what to do? If they can't help I think your daughter could actually use some therapeutic intervention before things go too far and the other girl ends up being affected for life by the bullying.

Have contacted a private child psychologist already so that's reassure that you agree and I'm not over reacting. It just makes me so sad that she feel so insecure within herself that she has this jealousy that's affecting her so much. Feel like I must have done something seriously wrong along the way.

There’s a hook with work sheets called Volcano in my tummy, it gives children the language they feel when angry and some alternative suggestions on how to deal with that anger - walk away, deep breaths, or what ever coping mechanism they need to try - maybe a red card in school that allows her to take 5 minutes to calm herself?

Worth a read

What have school said? Are they doing anything in class about friendship and kindness, or trying to support them to develop a better relationship?

My DD is also 5, and I don't think she would have much awareness of her own privilege & compare to others - they are a bit young to really understand that.

I would stop trying to analyse the behaviour and just repeatedly enforce that her behaviour isn't acceptable. Is she struggling a bit socially & blaming the other girl (although not her fault)?

@BluebellsGreenbells

There’s a hook with work sheets called Volcano in my tummy, it gives children the language they feel when angry and some alternative suggestions on how to deal with that anger - walk away, deep breaths, or what ever coping mechanism they need to try - maybe a red card in school that allows her to take 5 minutes to calm herself?

Worth a read

Looking for this online now. Sounds like it could be helpful thank you.

I was going to suggest a bit of play therapy or something. My kids really benefited from drama classes in terms of confidence building.

There must be another girl in her class who has less than your daughter has. Can't you say: imagine if A was mean to you all the time just because you go on three holidays a year and she doesn't. How would it make you feel if you were scared A would be mean to you just because you got a bigger present for your birthday? Would you like A if she behaved like that? How would you want A to behave to you? Why?

Chats like this can help them understand what it must be like to be on the receiving end of their jealousy.

@Atla

What have school said? Are they doing anything in class about friendship and kindness, or trying to support them to develop a better relationship?

My DD is also 5, and I don't think she would have much awareness of her own privilege & compare to others - they are a bit young to really understand that.

I would stop trying to analyse the behaviour and just repeatedly enforce that her behaviour isn't acceptable. Is she struggling a bit socially & blaming the other girl (although not her fault)?

School is a whole other issue... they have a positive behaviour policy in place that I totally disagree with. They have given every child in the class this weekly award and left my child out because of the bullying incidents. Other children in the class including the bullied child have had the award multiple times whilst my child is left the only child not receiving it.

I feel like this system fuels her poor self esteem which in turn fuels the jealousy and feeling inadequate therefore making the bullying worse.

I have done absolutely everything that I can to have this changed- took it to pta, took it to the head, took it to the council. Because it's only me that has an issue with it (only my child being excluded) they won't change it. It's been a whole other issue which has added massive fuel to this issue in my opinion.

The system focuses on the negative behaviour in my child's case instead of celebrating the positives and helping to encourage more positive behaviour.

She displays positive behaviour along with the bullying/unkindness but the teacher says her unkindness undoes any of the good things she has done that week and she can't get the award.

@hivemindneeded

There must be another girl in her class who has less than your daughter has. Can't you say: imagine if A was mean to you all the time just because you go on three holidays a year and she doesn't. How would it make you feel if you were scared A would be mean to you just because you got a bigger present for your birthday? Would you like A if she behaved like that? How would you want A to behave to you? Why?

Chats like this can help them understand what it must be like to be on the receiving end of their jealousy.

I have tried to turn it round on her and have conversations where I try and get her to have some empathy and imagine it was her. If someone has done something unkind to her I will comfort her and then say 'doesn't it feel horrible when someone has pushed you/left you out/said something unkind, that's how 'bullied child' must feel when you do that to her, isn't that really sad?'

I'm scared to point out that she has more than other children in the class incase she then turns that round and says to the child 'I have more than you' type thing. Everyone lives in our privileged area bar one child and I don't want to point out the differences between us and her incase she says it in an unkind way (going on her recent behaviour)

Rather than focussing on her feelings of jealousy, focus on her behaviour. Lots of conversations with a child at this young age can reinforce it and make her believe she is a jealous person, making her think of little else. If you keep conversation brief and not dwell on it, she will forget about it and move on from feeling this way about this girl. You have not mentioned what your daughter has done to this child but too much going over this with her will make her feel bad about herself. When you see her being kind to you or others, make sure you remark on what a kind girl she is.
I am assuming the school has raised the issue with you, so talk with them about how to handle it, let them deal with things in school if and when they happen. Any consequences for this behaviour in school should happen in school. If school give her consequences then you do not need to give her further consequences at home. Ask her teacher to let you know when she has had a good day, then praise her and tell her how you proud you are to hear this. Focus on her positive behaviour and make her believe she is capable of being kind, rather than focus too much on the bullying. There is a risk of making this a bigger issue by talking to her at length and making her apologise/give the child a card. It will make her feel this child is better than her.
If she has had a bad day at school just say it is a shame she behaved in this way and you know she is able to be kind, so hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Boost her belief in herself to be kind, plus encourage her to expand her friendship groups to divert her focus off this child. She is very young and at a stage at school where they are only just learning how to behave, which is normal. Try not to be too mortified by her behaviour, she needs to feel you are on her side, believe in her and can be kind to others. It will pass, try not to feel bad about it

I don't think that you should be telling her she shouldn't be jealous and or see how privileged she is. By doing that you're invalidating her feelings and probably making her feel worse.

Tell her its OK to feel jealous. Give her examples of when you felt jealous about something. Encourage her to accept it and find a healthy way of expressing it. 'Wow, you went to Disney again, I'm so jealous!'

Tell her it's ok to feel that way. But what is not OK is using it as a reason to be mean or physically hurt people. If she is allowed a healthier way to express her emotions it will hopefully reduce the bullying naturally.

You are being spectacularly elaborate about this. Your child is in Reception. She will have no idea about the frequency of events or regularity of presents. It sounds like you are putting words in your child's mouth to excuse her behaviour. I suspect you will counter this with the fact your child has been speaking in full sentences since she was 12 months old.
She is 5. 5 year olds are superficial and one child's Maldives is another child's Barbie. Don't get involved in child politics, don't give it more air time than it needs and let the teacher sort it out.

@MrsPleasant

You are being spectacularly elaborate about this. Your child is in Reception. She will have no idea about the frequency of events or regularity of presents. It sounds like you are putting words in your child's mouth to excuse her behaviour. I suspect you will counter this with the fact your child has been speaking in full sentences since she was 12 months old. She is 5. 5 year olds are superficial and one child's Maldives is another child's Barbie. Don't get involved in child politics, don't give it more air time than it needs and let the teacher sort it out.

My child is bullying another child on a daily basis.... I'm getting weekly messages from the parent. She's nearly 6 and is articulate enough to tell me how she's feeling. I am being told on a weekly basis by the teacher that my child is unkind and she's the only one to be excluded from this kindness award. It is a bloody big deal.

This child does talk about the new toys she gets, the activities that her and her family do. My child is aware that this child is 'luckier' than her using her own words.

@Thegreencup

I don't think that you should be telling her she shouldn't be jealous and or see how privileged she is. By doing that you're invalidating her feelings and probably making her feel worse.

Tell her its OK to feel jealous. Give her examples of when you felt jealous about something. Encourage her to accept it and find a healthy way of expressing it. 'Wow, you went to Disney again, I'm so jealous!'

Tell her it's ok to feel that way. But what is not OK is using it as a reason to be mean or physically hurt people. If she is allowed a healthier way to express her emotions it will hopefully reduce the bullying naturally.

This is good advice. I did try to really focus on talking about how kind she was when this first started back in august, reminding her of how kind I knew she could be. Making a big fuss when she was kind but it's continued as a daily and weekly thing since august and it's starting to wear me down and I feel like my first approach of focusing on her being kind wasn't working. I still tell her daily that I know she's a kind person and I always say 'that was a really bad choice but I know that you are a good person who has just made a bad choice'

So deal with the behaviour and stop trying to excuse it. You say your child has everything she could wish for at home, so it's not jealousy about things. Is it because the other child has friends/is on the 'top table'/is the popular child? It will not be happening because of holidays, there will be something much less significant to you but much bigger to her, but you need to stop trying to put an adult slant on it. Children of that age are very very rarely bullies and it is not a word I would ever use to describe a small child. Unhappy yes, bully, no.

@MrsPleasant

So deal with the behaviour and stop trying to excuse it. You say your child has everything she could wish for at home, so it's not jealousy about things. Is it because the other child has friends/is on the 'top table'/is the popular child? It will not be happening because of holidays, there will be something much less significant to you but much bigger to her, but you need to stop trying to put an adult slant on it. Children of that age are very very rarely bullies and it is not a word I would ever use to describe a small child. Unhappy yes, bully, no.

I'm not excusing. Read the post. I have clearly said that I have severe consequences for each incident. Jealousy- Jealousy generally refers to the thoughts or feelings of insecurity, fear, and concern. What my child is feeling. Insecure.

You sound like a bully yourself so I will kindly disregard advice from a bully on bullying.

Have a lovely evening.

As a teacher l have seen a child get a fixation on another child and it can become a major issue. Have the school tried to help your dd in any way. Can they move her away from this child, make sure she is not in the same group etc. I don't agree with them making your little one be constantly punished at the end of each week as with that age consequences need to come immediately. After all she is only little and needs to learn.
Reading that book How to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk should be helpful as it will show you how to validate her feelings.
Is this other little one going on all the time or how does your dd know all this about her?
In one situation l witnessed the two children had to be separated into different classes as one desperately wanted to be friends with the other but was going the wrong way about it.
This might be a radical suggestion but you have both got off to a bad start in this school...l feel with what l know about schools it will be difficult for you both to turn it around. Schools have long memories of who went over their head to complain etc. I would think of looking at changing your dd to another school if that is possiblein your area. . There is a measure of cruelty against her that l wouldn't be happy with and you might find yourself constantly at loggerheads with them.

@junebirthdaygirl

As a teacher l have seen a child get a fixation on another child and it can become a major issue. Have the school tried to help your dd in any way. Can they move her away from this child, make sure she is not in the same group etc. I don't agree with them making your little one be constantly punished at the end of each week as with that age consequences need to come immediately. After all she is only little and needs to learn. Reading that book How to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk should be helpful as it will show you how to validate her feelings. Is this other little one going on all the time or how does your dd know all this about her? In one situation l witnessed the two children had to be separated into different classes as one desperately wanted to be friends with the other but was going the wrong way about it. This might be a radical suggestion but you have both got off to a bad start in this school...l feel with what l know about schools it will be difficult for you both to turn it around. Schools have long memories of who went over their head to complain etc. I would think of looking at changing your dd to another school if that is possiblein your area. . There is a measure of cruelty against her that l wouldn't be happy with and you might find yourself constantly at loggerheads with them.

Will read the book!

My gut feeling is I want to change her schools but she has made so many friends in the class, our entire area all go to this one school. I just feel it would be so unsettling to move her.

I don't feel I don't anything wrong in voicing my concerns over the behaviour policy that's leaving my child out. I went to the head first, then the pta and then council. I didn't go straight to the council and over their head about the problem.

Just a rubbish rubbish situation and not one I thought I would be in in primary 1.