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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

So parent's evening yet again and I can tell that the teacher is not keen on dd and she is STILL not making any effort

77 replies

foxinsocks · 17/10/2007 19:50

at all. Sigh.

Poor dd. All she really wants to do is be left alone and read books.

But of course, yr 3 is a bit more than that.

They made them all do some sort of NFER test (I have no idea what this means) and she did very well but is plummeting down through the streams and the teacher feels the work she does at school is in no way an indication of the level of work she could be doing.

And err that's it.

We've got extra work to do at home but I'm at a loss really. I just don't know how to encourage her.

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Original poster

foxinsocks · 17/10/2007 21:34

oh dear. Was it ds2?

exasperated tears are not nice . Did you have some crying chocolate?

Dh has been looking after the children and I have discovered we have rather a lot of it. I can send some over specially.

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Boco · 17/10/2007 21:34

Well then Fox it really does sound like a conscious decision not to try too hard as there's not much in it for her. What could interest her and motivate her? (obviously you've though a lot about this already) If she likes reading, she must like stories - could you do something together as a project - write and illustrate a story. DD really enjoys doing this - she has lots of them dp gets them bound for her at work, it's helped with her writing as she's so keen to express the story. Maybe if you're doing it together, the planning and the ideas and the structure and it's in a lovely book, it's something she'd like to work on and make really nice.

Sorry to hear parents evening was tough 100. Was it for all of them or just one?

ahundredtimes · 17/10/2007 21:35

Well the precis is difficult. Me and this teacher have history, and I'm convinced she thinks I'm a terrible parent. She is so critical. And it's very difficult to explain this without me sounding like a paranoid loon, who is actually a bad parent. Hang on. I'll find the thread.

ahundredtimes · 17/10/2007 21:39

She said things like 'He is very eccentric. I think he is trying to control me when he says I shout too much. I can see that he may become very awkward in the class room.' Then she stared at me. Then she leafed through these papers.

'Oh his Occupational Therapist from the hospital called me' she said, all horrid-sounding. 'He said was I aware this child had serious co-ordination problems. I said 'Nonsense, he just needs a calm and organised environment' and she GLARED again.

And you're so vulnerable about all this, and you think, ohmygod, perhaps she's right, perhaps it's all my fault, and he is eccentric and I'm not calm enough.

AND she used to go on at me about ds1 when he was in her class too.

She thinks I'm useless.

Original poster

foxinsocks · 17/10/2007 21:40

ooh she sounds awful ahundred. Sounds like she's taken against you. It's a no-win situation then isn't it. She gets more critical, you get more upset. I hope it's the last time you'll have her as a teacher?

dd won't write Boco. She has poor fine motor skills and is only getting to grips with writing now. She takes absolutely no pleasure from it whatsoever. I think she'd rather go and see the dentist than write 3 words tbh.

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Original poster

foxinsocks · 17/10/2007 21:42

sorry, cross posted.

I think that's out of order actually. She sounds very negative.

I think she sounds frightened of him.

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controlfreaky2 · 17/10/2007 21:42

have you considered getting her assesed by an ed psych?
not with a view to diagnosing specific difficulties but because a good one will identify strategies etc to help with the sort of issues you describe....
if it helps ds2 (bright but lazy / bit of a geezer was like this in yr 3..... having been high achiever up to that year.... with teacher's help he has managed to turn it round and is now doing v well in year 4 (with same teacher...)

Original poster

foxinsocks · 17/10/2007 21:44

I mean (takes foot out of mouth) not frightened because he is so awful but frightened in a 'I don't know how to treat him' way iyswim.

and you know, so what if he's eccentric.

You don't want 30 clones do you.

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ahundredtimes · 17/10/2007 21:44

Yes, but I sound mad don't I? I always intend to be very nice and supportive of teachers and not crazy, but she and I seem to misunderstand each other all the time. Dh thought she was nervous, he said she thought I was going to give her a hard time so came out fighting.

Boco · 17/10/2007 21:46

What a bitch. I was just on the over sensitive children thread though, and rustybear's 17 year old gave advice to all 6 year old sensitive types that if the teacher shouts at you they don't hate you and will have forgotten about it the next day, and if you get something wrong you're not stupid - and it struck me as very good advice for a parent at parents evening too.

It's easy to think a teacher doesn't like you. I think it's because they're on the defensive, especially at parents evening, and the rest of the time they're hoping you drop your child and leave and don't ask them taxing things. She probably doesn't hate you, she probably is just a bit taken aback by your ds's confidence and ability to hit nail on head. If she provides this calm and organised environment, what is she doing shouting too much? Ask her!

Original poster

foxinsocks · 17/10/2007 21:48

hmm you see I think this is a (can't think of the word) casualty of direct talking.

You always intend to be nice - I started off thinking I was going to be nice tonight - but after 5 minutes, the poor woman was shaking and I realised I was sitting there very po-faced while she was smiling nervously.

I imagine you are quickwitted in real life and that does scare some people, do you find?

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RustyBear · 17/10/2007 21:49

"It's better to fail because you haven't tried than because you can't do it - then you can tell yourself you could have done it if you'd wanted to..."

Self analysis by DD, justifying her not working...

Original poster

foxinsocks · 17/10/2007 21:50

and it's NOT your fault. In fact there is no fault/blame here at all. And if anything, I always think you sound incredibly calm.

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Boco · 17/10/2007 21:51

RustyBear · 17/10/2007 21:51

Not sure DD's advice is always that sound boco! (see sample below) I'm not entirely sure how serious she was being & so far at least she seems to be getting by ...

Original poster

foxinsocks · 17/10/2007 21:52

controlfreaky - yes, I think that's a good idea actually. Writing all this down has made me realise that we (as in us and the teachers) have actually tried a fair few things and maybe it's time to let someone else have a good look at what's going on.

Is that what your dd said Rusty?

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RustyBear · 17/10/2007 22:01

She may have said it because it was easier than admitting she can't get herself motivated. But I think it does all tie in with the perfectionist thing ( as on the thread boco was talking about) that if you can't do something perfectly, you'd rather not do it at all... With your DD,writing is something she finds hard, so if she doesn't try, she won't fail (I'm not saying she is 'failing' btw, just that that may be how she sees it)

Original poster

foxinsocks · 17/10/2007 22:06

it's so hard to know whether it is that or whether it's just pissing about (or perhaps a combination of the two). Maybe getting her assessed will tell us that.

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ahundredtimes · 17/10/2007 22:09

Sorry, this is meant to be about Foxy's dd, not my problematic interpersonal skills.

ahundredtimes · 17/10/2007 22:11

Yes, agree with Rusty, is that low risk strategy thing.

Also lots of bright children have problems getting things down on paper - and this can be as perplexing to them as to us - and they can come up with all sorts of weird and quite plausible ways of covering that up.

Original poster

foxinsocks · 17/10/2007 22:12

oh no no. Feel free to talk about yourself . I always feel a bit uncomfortable starting threads. Feels a bit me me me. I'm always relieved when the attention diverts onto someone else .

You are not a freak. Or even a fraek.

I feel like I need to be assessed now.

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ahundredtimes · 17/10/2007 22:20

Original poster

foxinsocks · 17/10/2007 22:23

oh no, I meant assessed for madness. I'm sure I am mad and hopelessly crap at this parenting stuff. I'm convinced this is what the teacher was thinking.

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bossybritches · 18/10/2007 08:20

Foxy reading this thread reminded me of me at that age IYSWIM Parents couldn't understand why I was siding behind, mucking around & yes I was that girl with her nose in a book! (my DD1 is the same, history repeating & all that!) In the end I was moved to the front of the class so the teacher could keep an eye on me & check I was paying attention- & I did. A different teacher suggested getting my eyes testd & bingo.... glasses & a complete turnaround in my school career. I wasn't even aware I couldn't see the board as it had gradually deteriorated & I'd never known any difference(I know they have interactive boards these days but the principles the same)

Might not be the case with your DD but worth getting her tested maybe? (my optician says the can check for dyslexia too )

Might be totally wrong but hope you don't mine the suggestion?

Original poster

foxinsocks · 18/10/2007 09:23

thanks bossy, that is helpful and in fact, I have them down to get their eyes tested in half term.

I have slept on it and now feel more cross than anything. I was so tired yesterday (had only had 1 hour's sleep and had been at work all day) that I actually forgot to ask the teacher a lot of the questions I wanted to ask.

For example, she showed me that her nfer test results for literacy and reading were exceptionally high, yet they persist in making her do spelling in the non top group (so she's doing 3 letter and 4 letter words) when at the end of yr2, she was in the hardest group and really enjoying it.

I'm starting to think quite a bit of this is that dd has been completely demotivated by this teacher giving her work that she was doing 2 or 3 years ago.

I'm going to speak to dh and request another meeting I think. I've also had a word with dd and we're going to try and do 10 minutes writing a day just to try and get it up to scratch so that she feels more confident about it but also so that the teachers can't use it as an excuse not to give her the correct level work. We do nothing at home with them now (other than reading) so 10 minutes won't be a shock to the system I think.

A friend of ours with lots of children in the school has said that this teacher is renowned for being fond of the older, mature girls and finding the 'silly' ones and the ones that are a bit different quite hard to deal with so I think we've fallen into that trap a bit!

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