Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I think I've chosen the wrong primary school for DD

74 replies

Talkchat83 · 22/10/2020 19:46

I'm feeling really low and thought I'd share here to see if anyone has been through anything similar and how did it work out for you.

Basically when choosing a primary school for DD we were torn between the local catchment school and a school a 20 minute drive away with a better reputation.

We chose the school which is further away but now I really regret our decision. I don't enjoy the commute and just feel we don't belong there. It's also making me feel cut off from my own community and the pre-school mums I had become friendly with.

My DD is actually really enjoying school, which is great, but I just can't shake this feeling at all. Would love to hear from others who have been through a similar situation. Thanks

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TenShortStories · 22/10/2020 19:54

It sounds like the feeling of not fitting in is about you more than your DD? Is that accurate? If she's happy there then I'd stay. Making friends with school mums is a mixed bag anyway as it can get complicated as the kid's friendships change.

Original poster

Talkchat83 · 22/10/2020 20:16

Yes I would say that is definitely accurate. I don't think I quite realised how much my local support system had come to mean to me until l effectively cut myself off from it.
But my DD is definitely happy, so I can see I should stay. It's just I can't seem to think about anything else and it's affecting my ability to be a good mum

OP posts:

Changedmynameagain1 · 22/10/2020 20:18

Are you applying for next year or is your DD already there in reception?

Changedmynameagain1 · 22/10/2020 20:19

Oh I just read the bottom that she is enjoying it, enjoy my previous!!

It is early days, has she made friends? Have you chatted to any of the other mums there?

RedskyAtnight · 22/10/2020 20:22

Is there space at the local school? Or you could put DD on the waiting list? You'll be doing this commute for another 6 years so if you hate it already, I'd be very tempted to move her. And, as you're discovering, a local support system is invaluable.

Yes, it's a shame to move a child that's happy, but she's only been there a few weeks and will likely settle quickly (particularly if she already knows children there).

Original poster

Talkchat83 · 22/10/2020 20:31

She's in year 1. I've been feeling like this on and off the whole time, but it seems to be taking over now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Talkchat83 · 22/10/2020 20:32

I have chatted to the other mums, many are lovely, it's just nor quite the same as the bonds made previously.

OP posts:

Original poster

Talkchat83 · 22/10/2020 21:01

DD couldn't be happier at school, it's just me. DH doesn't want to move DD. What are other people's experiences? Am I just being silly?

OP posts:

iano · 22/10/2020 21:09

Tbh if DD is happy I think you need to get on with it.

Hotpinkangel19 · 22/10/2020 21:10

I have no school mum friends. Never have and my children are 14,12 and 9. The village I live in is just so cliquey so it's very difficult to make friends.

Eastie77 · 22/10/2020 21:11

If your DD is happy at the school why do you feel you "don't belong"?. It's a shame the commute isn't ideal but I don't think pulling her out of a school she is enjoying so that you can bond with the other school's mums is a good idea.

Maybe give the mums at her current school a chance - it sounds as if they are nice enough? I've never really understood why people want to 'bond' with the parents of other school children tbh. I'm on hello/nodding terms with the parents at my DC's school which is all I'd expect from a group of strangers I have nothing in common with except the fact our children are in the same class.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/10/2020 21:29

I moved my DS at this time last year for similar reasons (just not feeling that we belonged in that school community) although both schools are very local. I am glad we made the move, but DS was in reception and still settling after the move from nursery. It would be a very different matter moving him now, and he would hate it.

I understand your feeling that choosing a school outside your area has cut ties that would otherwise have been strengthened. Also I am closer to friends from baby/toddler days than to school parents, so I understand your feeling that you have lost more than you gained. And at this age your daughter's social life outside school is supported by your relationship with the parents (less so if she is socially very adept, which my DS is not).

Do you still see the children and mums from preschool? Are they all at the same school? If so, have you asked your DD how she would feel about joining them? If she was in favour and they have a place, I would probably do it. If you're not still integrated with that group, or she's not keen then I wouldn't.

StitchInTimeSavesNine · 22/10/2020 21:37

I moved my dd from a school so I'm not against moving schools but I don't think you should move when your dd is happy and there isn't a problem with the school.

You can't move a child from a school because you aren't making friends.

You knew what the commute was when you chose it. Listen to an audio book or make some phone calls when your dd isn't there and talk a to her on the journeys she is there. Try and turn it in to a positive.

Original poster

Talkchat83 · 22/10/2020 21:47

I'm not really integrated with that group anymore as time has gone on, and DD doesn't remember them all that well. DD would enjoy getting rid of the commute but apart from that she's perfectly happy, and the commute doesn't really bother her as she's used to it. I agree baby and toddler groups give you opportunities to chat and bond, which is different to the brief moments at the school gates. However I also agree that pulling her out of school bacause of these feelings is not really fair on her either. My second DD is due to start school in Easter so that may be why these feelings are resurfacing.

OP posts:

KenDoddsDad · 22/10/2020 21:52

I could have written this myself. I just wrote a similar post.

We have moved our children to a new school...in order to get around the 45 minute commute, we have actually relocated too. We moved mid-Aug into rented (sold our house) and are looking for a new house. No where feels like home whatsoever.

But yes, I don’t feel like I can get to know any of the parents. I have made a real effort and it just doesn’t feel the same at all. Similar to your DD, my two (years 1 and 2) love their new school, so that helps.

SkyeIsPink · 22/10/2020 22:03

The best important thing is that your DD is happy, not you making friends. Sorry if that’s blunt.

Based on some threads I’ve seen, school mum friends are overrated anyway.

SkyeIsPink · 22/10/2020 22:04

*most important

Original poster

Talkchat83 · 22/10/2020 22:16

Blunt is good, I think it's what I need as I am torturing myself with my thoughts! I've probably resigned myself to the fact that I can't move my daughter because of my friends situation, it shouldn't be about me, it's about her, I know that. And what if I moved her and she wasn't happy? What then? But I can't stop thinking how things could have been, and looking ahead, school life feels like a really long time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Talkchat83 · 22/10/2020 22:21

Where is your post KenDoddsDad? I would like to see the thread if possible

OP posts:

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/10/2020 22:34

My second DD is due to start school in Easter so that may be why these feelings are resurfacing.

Yes, this will be why it's niggling - if you are ever going to move her, this would be the time. However if you've lost contact with your previous network it is probably not worth the upheaval.

You will likely stop worrying about it once DD2 starts school, plus you may connect more with parents in her class. For me that connection is important, not because I am looking for friends, but because it means my DS is included in things outside school, and I can trade off school pickup and playdates etc.

Original poster

Talkchat83 · 22/10/2020 23:03

Also working from home and lockdowns have also given me WAY too much time to think about things! DD actually seems to be doing well socially, and has been invited on playdates. It's just that my heart isn't in this school and it's really getting me down. Also I don't really feel able to talk about it with anyone other than DH.

OP posts:

jennymac31 · 22/10/2020 23:38

OP - Are there any school-related activities that you might be able to get involved in e.g. PTA etc? It might be a way to get to know other parents.

One of the school mums from my daughters year has just set up a book club - is this something that might interest you?

Is there a WhatsApp group for your daughters school year?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/10/2020 23:40

Do you think if you did move DD (and start DD2) at the closer school that you would breathe a sigh of relief and be happy with that choice for the next 7 years? Or continue to overthink?

Porridgeoat · 22/10/2020 23:48

A 20 minute drive each way is a hell of a lot of driving. 1 hour 20 minutes a day. Seems so wasteful environmentally and time wise.

The other issue is friendships. She is too far for play dates which might normally evolve or growing independence with school friends. You’ll be driving her around to her mates houses rather then her walking. She won’t be that integrated into her own local community

I’d opt for the closer school. You can always put her on the waiting list to rejoin after a year

Porridgeoat · 22/10/2020 23:49

Interstate into your local community. Join the toddler group and local school.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread