I think I've chosen the wrong primary school for DD

[Talkchat83]

I'm feeling really low and thought I'd share here to see if anyone has been through anything similar and how did it work out for you.

Basically when choosing a primary school for DD we were torn between the local catchment school and a school a 20 minute drive away with a better reputation.

We chose the school which is further away but now I really regret our decision. I don't enjoy the commute and just feel we don't belong there. It's also making me feel cut off from my own community and the pre-school mums I had become friendly with.

My DD is actually really enjoying school, which is great, but I just can't shake this feeling at all. Would love to hear from others who have been through a similar situation. Thanks

OP I really feel for you!

My situation is a bit different but has some similarities. I moved my DS away from the local school in year 3, because he was unhappy there (it's a good school and was fine for his older siblings, but not a good fit for him). His new school is 20 mins away, but was en route to work so the school run wasn't much longer for me. Then came the pandemic, I'm now mainly wfh, and the school run is a PITA! I also feel I've never really integrated into the new school in the way I did at the old school. But he is very happy so I have never regretted the decision. He's now in year 6 so of course I wouldn't move him, but I really feel for you with all those years of the school run stretching out ahead of you! I can't wait for next September when my DS can get the bus to secondary school with his siblings.

I'm not sure how helpful my post is, but just to let you know that I feel your pain.

Yes if I moved her to the local school now there would just be too much drama I think. I made the decision for genuine reasons, and the best interests of DD, and the main issues are just in my head now I'm sure. I don't find that the local mothers won't talk to me, I think I probably avoid them to be honest to avoid having the whole conversation about 'why' DD isn't going to the local school. I just need to find a way to be at peace with my decision now.

OP I'm wondering if this feeling is also linked to the changes we've all dealt with in the last year? It's huge and to me the school issue sound like a vehicle for a lot more. Talk about it. Talk here about how hard it is, whether you feel your expectations have been robbed. A kind of grief?

Despite the loud voices downing PTAs/school governors and such like, I'd get on board. In different schools my kids have attended I have found that's where my contacts and friendships develop and I've really valued hearing the experiences of mums of children higher up the school, really useful for context. You sound really open, sad and ready to address your feelings, telephone counselling might just help you process this. Things will change.

It's definitely helpful hearing other people have been or are going through the same thing. I'd convinced myself it was only me! Definitely feeling better today after hearing lots of positive comments here.

Yeah I do feel sad and as if it's a kind of grief. I feel I just need to know things will feel better. Definitely don't think the changes this last year have helped.

My children also go to a school about 20 mins away op and like you it was in the same town I worked in, and moved from so it made sense, but now I’m working from home.

I initially made the decision because there wasn’t a secondary school in the town I moved to and I would have to take them to a different town eventually anyway. When they extended a local school to secondary my dc were happy and settled in their schools so I haven’t moved them. Also the local school does not perform as well as the one they are in at the moment.

When my eldest dc went to primary I was friends with a lovely bunch of parents but as the kids move to secondary I have very little to do with those parents now. With the younger dc I don’t quite gel with those parents. I sometimes have that feeling of not belonging in either place but ultimately I know my children are happy at school and reconcile myself with that.

The other school may not be what you expect either. Get involved at current school when back to normal, if that doesn't work learn to let go of this community feeling you want as a parent at a school and focus on the education it gives dd and the fact she is settled.

When no2 starts you may make friends within that group.

Thank you for your comments. So nice to talk.

I commutes outside my community for school and really hated it. I’m sorry that won’t be what you wanted to hear. But I will say that what saved it for me was going to brownies and ballet in my local area (ironically in the evenings at the hall of school I didn’t go to) - at least that gave me some foothold in the community around my home.

Why did you really hate it museumum?

Op, part of the reason you haven't made friends is your daughter had barely started her school career when Covid hit. So social opportunities have been few and far between.

Also, I'm guessing if you are rural 20 minutes is not an unusual school commute time. When you start working back at your office, it will just be on your way again.

Op, I know someone who suffers from anxiety/ OCD and you sound a bit like them. If this is taking over your thoughts, perhaps you ought to speak to a professional? It's making you miserable and you shouldn't have to suffer like this. Do you often regret big decisions?

Personally, I agree with your husband. I think you made the best choice for your daughter.

@Talkchat83

Why did you really hate it museumum?

Because I grew up never really feeling “from” the town I live in. People here know each other and each other’s siblings and parents. I did make local friends through brownies etc but I was always a bit “other” and my parents didn’t know the other parents. For me I commuted out for primary and secondary though, you mentioned your dd will join together with the local school for secondary so it might not be as bad. Or she might not care at all.

I can relate to your pain. I feel the same about my son's school. It can be a question of the school culture not fitting us. I'm in an unusual position. I withdrew ds1 due to bullying and so had 2 boys in 2 different schools for a year (he has now left). I loved the second school and have gone through real anguish knowing I want to move ds2 for my own sake. He does not want to move due to friendships and I have resolved to sucking it up. I feel my experience of their childhoods has been trained by this school and have little to do with it, outside the obligatory stuff.

If you are ok with bluntness, do leave her as gently this is absolutely not about you. We moved DD in Year 2 when we moved areas - I do honestly understand you missing having mummy friends and bonds. I had them in DDs first school and never really made them in the same way at school 2 and always felt a bit of a bit of a lemony looser at pick ups and drop offs. I’m not sure I made a huge effort to really get to know any of them though. If you want the friendships then it sounds like the onus is going to be on you to make the effort, talk to DDs friends Mums, invite them in for a coffee after a play date, join the PTA, help out at fairs etc. I was really half hearted about all this but did make some loosish friendships - really my own fault for not trying more! Tbh though, school mum friends are often like work friends, useful at the time but after primary you only stay in touch with a few. Concentrate more on your actual proper friends who know and love you - don’t judge yourself on failing to connect with random strangers with whom you probably have nothing in common with!

Thanks for all your comments, definitely feel more upbeat by now. It's so interesting to hear different perspectives, things aren't always black and white. Thank you.

I know it's all just got locked down again but usually I'd suggest DD joining some groups local to you eg Brownies or a dance class.

That way she (and you) can keep up some local friendships as well as go to her current school.

My DC had friends who went to other schools from youth group, dance class and cubs and I was friends with some of their mums too after sitting around in waiting rooms striking up conversations. I guess that's the kind of thing that can't happen now but I think it is Covid and not the school and that believe it or not Covid will pass. I believe we will get a vaccine and get back to nearer normal life next year.

Some of them didn't send their kids to our school or had moved them away. I didn't take it personally that's crazy! I just assumed that was the best decision for them and mine was the best decision for me eg One of my sons friends had speech problems so she moved him to a school specialising in that. We all remained friends.
Some of them even (shock horror) went to the local private school (state til 8 and all that) and again it was no drama and we remained friends. Not a choice I would make but other people's choices are their own.

People are going to ask which school your kids go to just as part of making conversation but you don't have to explain or justify it. Just say 'that's the one we chose' or 'we thought that would be best for her.' End of story.
If you start slagging off the school their kids go to then indeed that might not go down well but just making a different choice is not a problem.

I agree with the above comment about if people ask you why you chose that school - nobody really cares, they are mostly just making conversation. I like "We just got a good feel for this school when we looked around" as it doesn't involve putting down any other school or putting your foot in it!

Glad you're feeling more positive in general though.

Apologies if this has been asked, but before you torture yourself with this decision have you actually emailed/called closer to school to see if they have spaces? Or a waiting list? And how long that list may be? What about applying for your youngest to have a place at local school, and move DD in September if little one gets in that school? Life is too short for a long commute, when you will inevitably be doing it when she reaches secondary anyway

I think you need to stop seeing her school as something for you in terms of making friends. Most school mum friendships are pretty superficial anyway. If you do decide to move her, you will have to stick to that decision as moving her again would be very unfair.

I'm in a similar position OP. Chose the non local school, felt terribly sad about it, felt out of place, missed my preschool community, still think about the decision every day (dd is now in year 2). The difference is my dd isn't completely happy - never really made a friend as good as her preschool friend, who she still misses and wishes she'd gone to school with - complains about feeling lonely and left out sometimes - whereas I have settled in ok (have found 3 other mums I like and that's enough for me). Do sometimes wonder if I could move her but don't really think it will fix things - might even make them worse - as friendship groups have already formed at the local school. So just feel guilty a lot even though I made the best decision I could at the time (the school I chose is a really good school and no one warned me she might never make another good friend if I took her away from the one she had!) Anyway, completely understand the feeling of this one issue taking over your thoughts, even though you feel like it shouldn't. I was just like this although I think I am recovering and manage to find joy in other parts of my life now. Really hope you start to feel better about things soon!

It's sounds like you are just having a wobble. If you did move your DC back, there is no guarantee that same group of pre-school mums is still a group. If she is happy, just embrace it. Does she do any after school activity locally where she (and you) can reconnect with old friends from pre-school days or make some new friends locally?
I think the friendships you make when your kids are tiny can get to a really deep level quickly but later on new friendships with other mums are more superficial. Who knows why, but it's what I've observed! I have made some nice friends through the school gates, but more through pursing my own hobbies and meeting a lovely bunch of women through that and through returning to work when my kids got a bit older. Lower your expectations of school gate friendships and look elsewhere. It will happen!

What secondary school are you thinking of? I think I'd pick the feeder school for that myself.