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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

I think I've chosen the wrong primary school for DD

74 replies

Talkchat83 · 22/10/2020 19:46

I'm feeling really low and thought I'd share here to see if anyone has been through anything similar and how did it work out for you.

Basically when choosing a primary school for DD we were torn between the local catchment school and a school a 20 minute drive away with a better reputation.

We chose the school which is further away but now I really regret our decision. I don't enjoy the commute and just feel we don't belong there. It's also making me feel cut off from my own community and the pre-school mums I had become friendly with.

My DD is actually really enjoying school, which is great, but I just can't shake this feeling at all. Would love to hear from others who have been through a similar situation. Thanks

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Original poster

Talkchat83 · 23/10/2020 03:32

I don't know would I breathe a sigh of relief or continue to overthink. That is the dilemma really. Is this just irrational overthinking?

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Original poster

Talkchat83 · 23/10/2020 03:41

We actually live rurally therefore DD would never be able to walk to school or playdates anyway. Before covid, I used to pass DD's school on my way to work, but since working from home I obviously no longer pass. My husband thinks I'm being crazy as we could not have foreseen a national pandemic. Sometimes I totally agree with him, but yet I still can't shake these feelings!

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Maskedcrusader · 23/10/2020 04:05

I'm not sure what the right answer is but if you are going to move her do it as soon as possible. When my youngest was at primary I moved him after the first half term. Within a week he was settled and had made friends, he did miss his friends from the first school but it was early enough that really tight friendship groups hadn't been formed. I think where possible it's always best for children to go to the local school. That's your community and it's good to be invested in it.

Porridgeoat · 23/10/2020 04:11

How close is the closer school. It does mean her friends will be closer. Have you visited the other school

Original poster

Talkchat83 · 23/10/2020 04:14

I know I'd need to move as soon as possible, but in a way feel I've already left it too late. Many of the mums at DD's school are nice enough but seem to already have their own friends from the area so don't really need new friends. They are just acquaintances therefore. I feel it would have been better at the local school. But if we joined now having been to the school further away, the mums at the local school would possibly not feel very welcoming anymore!

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Original poster

Talkchat83 · 23/10/2020 04:29

The other school is a 5 minute drive away. I did visit the school before making my choice initially, and decided on the school further away. We were actually advised by someone with inside knowledge of the school that we shouldn't go there as it has some issues. It's just that my perspective has changed. DH however has not changed his perspective and says he would make the same decision again! Primary school doesn't last forever so I should probably just stop overthinking, it just feels like such a mess.

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Wakeupalready · 23/10/2020 04:32

The priority is if your DD is happy.
If she is, then why change?

I have never felt the need to make friends with school mums overly, as it's my children who should be making friends not me.
I prefer to keep the relationships separate- in case I were to fall out with one parent and negatively impact my child's friendship. This position has not damaged my children in any way. They prefer it now they are older.

If you want to remain in touch with your local community, after school sports and activities can be a good substitute. That's what we did.

I used to have a two hour return trip to the best school for my kids ( Australia) with no school buses. The local school (still half an hour away)had a dreadful reputation.
So personally, and respecting the different countries a 20 minute commute would be a gift. My kids bus leaves now, in a different regional area at 7.45 am and they get there at 8.40 am.
They've been doing this since Yr 3 and Yr 6 and it hasn't affected any relationships they've made at all.

Give it some more time . Look for the other parents on the outer. You will not be the only one who feels left out, and if you are patient you'll make some connections.

Maskedcrusader · 23/10/2020 04:42

My heart goes out to you. I remember the tying myself up in knots feeling. Take the other parents out if the equation, things change year on year, people move on, new people come to the school. As friendships with the kids change & form you will get to know different people. If you like the school generally and your DD is happy then keep her there. In a year you will probably look back and wonder why you were so worried.

Original poster

Talkchat83 · 23/10/2020 04:53

Thanks. I just don't think I've ever felt so anxious and it's affecting all aspects of my life at the moment. And I feel I've brought it all on myself. I'm driving myself crazy. Yes, you're right, I probably just need to be patient and chill out, and try to find some perspective from somewhere!

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RedRec · 23/10/2020 06:02

I did very similar, OP. First with my son and then again with my daughter three years later when I knew it was ok. For us, it was a gamble that paid off. We all made friends at the new school and my children are now happy and functioning 19 and 16 year olds! I would say give it a little time before making a rash move. You made the decision for good reasons in the first place. Good luck

Porridgeoat · 23/10/2020 06:07

It’s madness that you’ll be unnecessarily driving 1 hour and 20 minutes daily term time for 11 years.

MessAllOver · 23/10/2020 06:31

Rather than moving schools, can you move house? Closer to the school?

Paddingtonthebear · 23/10/2020 06:57

Does DD even want to move schools?

If you want to be more involved and part of the school then perhaps join the PTA?

Do you work? It sounds like you are feeling lonely and disconnected rather than this being a specific problem with the school itself

Original poster

Talkchat83 · 23/10/2020 06:58

Moving is not an option as we run a business at our home therefore we are very much tied.

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Original poster

Talkchat83 · 23/10/2020 07:01

DD has never expressed that she wants to move schools.

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purringpaws · 23/10/2020 07:03

I'd look at bigger picture. Where are the secondary schools?
It's a while away but the longer she stays the harder it is to move her.

I ask because I'd want her at the school most likely to feed into the secondary I wanted.

Paddingtonthebear · 23/10/2020 07:06

I don’t think it’s fair to move school without consulting her.

For what it’s worth, my DD has recently moved up from an infants to a separate junior school. Regardless of covid, it’s very different to how it was at infants. We just drop and collect from gate, there’s no going on to school property and chatting whilst waiting outside the class room, very little social interaction in the class WhatsApp. I know a few kids and parents names in her new class whereas at her infants school I knew almost everyone’s names in her reception to Y2 classes. Infants is just more “involved”. I’m not sure DD knows the name of every kid in her class yet.

Original poster

Talkchat83 · 23/10/2020 07:07

Both schools feed the same secondary. The secondary is in the same town as DD's primary. This helped in our decision regarding primary school.

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SBTLove · 23/10/2020 07:09

I’m glad here in Scotland everyone attends their local catchment school unless a placing request is approved, the English system is bonkers and seems very stressful.

DameMelba · 23/10/2020 07:12

I moved my dc after the first half term. I did it quietly and without fuss and my dc was absolutely fine.

However there were other parents at the school that were up in arms that I'd done it as I was pretty much saying that the school wasn't good enough for my precious child. Lots of them stopped speaking to me completely and it lasted forever! Every time I went to Tesco I'd dread seeing a parent from the school. It was all very uncomfortable.

By selecting the further away school in the first place you've probably caused some waves in the first place. You've insinuated that the further away school is better and worth travelling 20 minutes to. The parents at the near school may not welcome you with open arms.

Your dd is in year one now. She's perfectly happy. She's got friends and she's been to other children's houses and the parents there are nice to you.

You are comparing the school you are in to an imaginary scenario. A lot of people aren't completely happy with a school like you are with this one. You'd be comparing it to the near school if you did move her!

What school your child should not be 'affecting all aspects of my life'. Especially when your child is perfectly happy in a good school. Her school can be the centre of your six year olds world but it shouldn't be the centre of yours.

Original poster

Talkchat83 · 23/10/2020 07:25

Your experience sounds exactly like mine DameMelba. I also dread bumping into mums at the supermarket! How old are your children now? Did it all work out fine for you in the end?

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drumandthebass · 23/10/2020 07:59

I'm not sure if the point has already been made, but you may want to to bear in mind as your DD gets older she will want play dates, which will obviously be easier if you're local. You say she's happy, but she'd be happy at your local school. If I were in your position I know I'd check to see if they had any places

Quartz2208 · 23/10/2020 08:06

Here is the thing OP it isnt YOUR school. It is your DD school and she is perfectly happy with the school. There is no reason you are giving why the school isnt right for her.

DameMelba · 23/10/2020 08:21

They are 13 and 16 now.

It worked out well for my oldest who is the one I moved as she ended up in a better school. However she didn't realise that she was moving schools as she was only there for the first half term and I just told her it was finished like other activities she would attend, like Tumble Tots. Then she just slid into the new school and it was completely fine. She really didn't notice.

It was me that suffered the consequences. Forever it seemed. Every after school club and football team one of my dc attended there would be someone there from the old school who wouldn't speak to me. Then of course when dd2 started school there were parents who had a dc in my oldest child's class who brought it all up again so a whole load of new parents 'found out' that I hadn't wanted to send my child to this school in the first place despite it being on my doorstep. And again in year three as the school I left was an infants school and the new one was a primary so some people from the old one came to the new one! The drama!

Quite genuinely the aftermath lasted until my youngest finished primary school. In the summer term of year five she started walk to school with friends and I remember being completely relieved that I didn't have to go there twice a day.

It was absolutely the best thing to do for my child educationally and like you I just wish I hadn't made the decision to send her there in the first place. It was a very different set of circumstances though as my dd was younger. The school I left was a three class infants school that lost its head at the end of the summer term before my dd started and then two teachers went with her. dd hardly saw the same supply teacher two days in a row which is probably part of the reason she was able to resettle so quickly as she didn't have a steady start.

jennymac31 · 23/10/2020 08:44

If your dd is happy at the school then i would keep her there. My dd goes to a school outside our local area and she loves it. She's fortunate that a few of her school friends actually live in our area but I was conscious i wanted her to get involved in groups in our community so she initially joined the drama club (but didn't like it) before joining Rainbows and then Beavers. Still waiting to see if anything is going to open up again in the near future. Would your dd be interested in these activities? It's another good way to get to know other parents.

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