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Primary education

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Original poster

Who was bullied at school? I could do with some help thinking this through. Longish...

80 replies

TooTicky · 24/08/2007 23:31

My dd1 (10) gets bullied at school. It is instigated by one girl who seems to have complete control over the other girls.
The headmaster has been great and really tried to integrate them but it is a long term problem and I can't see it being resolved easily.
It doesn't help that I think too much emphasis has been put upon my dd's problems with socialising (which are noticeable but not crippling away from school - but huge in school, largely due, I think, to previous bad experiences and feeling unable to trust anybody). And not enough emphasis upon the appalling behaviour of the problem girl.
So. She has one more year at this school. It is a small school - no other groups of children to hang around with.
She is extremely bright.
If this year starts as badly as the last one ended, should I just deregister her and homeschool her for a year?
I am worried about the exclusion she has already experienced and about the effects it will have on her if she has another year of it. I well remember the awful feeling of being unwanted and despised at school.
Poor love was so pleased and surprised recently when she had been playing with various children in a park....she said, "They actually liked me! I'm not rubbish after all!"

So, would it be unfair to make her suffer another year of it? Academically, she could easily cope without school. She'd probably learn more under her own steam.
How would you feel if you were her?
How would you feel if you were me?

Many thanks to anybody who has read this far

OP posts:
Original poster
TooTicky · 25/08/2007 21:42

Thanks Possum - will look into those

OP posts:
babyblue2 · 25/08/2007 21:51

I was bullied from 11-13 by girls older than me and some boys in my class. I never told my parents. I used to make sure I was nowhere near them but if I had to pass them they would call me names like slag (short skirt-twas fashion) and posh bitch (cos I didn't speak with local twang). I ignored it for 2 years. Just before I left the school to go to higher school I thought fuck it and retaliated. Afterwards they never bothered me again, a couple tried to make friends with me. If I were you (though my DDs are 4 and 2) i'd be really upset but then my DD's are much younger. I'd hate to think that someone didn't like my girls. I sympathise. Haven't read full thread (v tired) but will do another time but I wouldn't like to have been taken out of school to be home schooled (would've thought there was something wrong with me) but I was lucky as I moved up to grammar school and they didn't. However, if it was me and my daughter i'd want to do anything to protect her. Good luck

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 25/08/2007 22:02

Can I just ask.What does the bully do? Do other kids have problems with her? What did school say?

She should be the one leaving the school.Have you spoken to her parents?

Hurlyburly · 25/08/2007 22:12

I am sorry for your DD. Home Ed sounds the best option to me. No direct experience of bullying personally but my DH was bullied at school. It's a lifelong regret of his that he never changed schools when his parents suggested it.

lisad123 · 25/08/2007 22:14

I was bullied at school, by a large group. They were nasty and followed me around, spat at me, poured drinks over me in middle of town, beat me up ect ect. I still had tons of friends though. I wouldnt have got though the whole thing without my friends, so i guess what im trying to say is, does she have other friends in school? It makes the world of difference. Im a confident person and am a lot stronger for what happened to me. What kinda kid is she, will she manage it positively? You know her well enough to know if she will grow from this or if another year will push it too far.

Lisa

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 25/08/2007 22:38

I was bullied at secondary school as I was well brought up (did not swear or smoke, looked clean) and it was a rough school.

The girl was two years older than me and was bossing us about one breaktime. I stood upto her (I could always do this but then usually took a beating) and she decided to have it in for me. A rumour went round that she was going to get me one day after school and I told the maths head (who was my dads fishing pal and came to our house)

He had a word and afterwards she was SOOOOO nice to me. I asked him what he had said and he said he told her that if ANYTHING happened to me, my dad would find her and kill her!!

My parents never taught me to fight and as I said though I could alwats stand my ground, I always got a bashing. I will tell my kids to hit them back.When I eventually learned to do that (I was 16) I was never bothered again.

startouchedtrinity · 25/08/2007 22:44

There was a mnetter recently whose dd was at a rural school, and she finally snapped and stood up to her tormentor. Said tormentor went to th epolice and now she has a criminal record and is being treated accordingly by the school and the loacl community. Bullies are very aware of their 'rights' these days.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 25/08/2007 22:46

How terrible.World has gone mad.I would still teach my kids to stand up for themselves.Bullys must never win.

Original poster
TooTicky · 25/08/2007 22:58

Bully simply does not allow the other girls to speak to her (when bully is absent, everything is fine). Name calling, ridicule, picking because dd1 is bright/vegetarian/not interested in boybands or television. Occasional shoving. Snide comments and nasty looks. The whole exclusion thing. It sounds trivial, until you imagine spending 6 hours a day in that sort of environment.

OP posts:
startouchedtrinity · 25/08/2007 23:02

It's a girl thing, isn't it, and so hard to deal with. Have you contacted Kidscape? (will contact relatives as soon as I find their e-mail addy!)

Original poster
TooTicky · 25/08/2007 23:13

It's finding a quiet moment to do anything atm! I did have a look at their website - wish I'd known about it months ago.

OP posts:
CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 25/08/2007 23:18

Has your dd got other friends at school?

Im sorry but I would teach dd to stand up for herself. Sticks and stones......She could turn this around and would be so much better for it.

My dd is 3.9 and told me the other day that a girl in nursery (!) says to her

I dont like your hair
I dont like your dress

and so on

I said what do you do? dd said I get v upset and she laughs. I told dd that this girl is very nasty and not a friend and says things to see dd upset.I said next time she says anything just go 'i dont care' and smile.She thought this was funny and a few days ago she told me she did it and the other girl got very cross and stamped her feet! dd says she doesnt do it anymore

I know you must do what you think is best for your dd absolutley, but she will always face this in life, we all do. Running away to me seems like only a temporary solution?

Again sorry if I offend. I feel so for your dd and for the bully and her cronies

startouchedtrinity · 25/08/2007 23:26

I uderstand what you are saying, Chocolate, but this type of bullying is much more like exclusion than anything you can stand up to. If someone doesn't talk to you, you can't answer them back. As an adult if someone ignores me it is no big deal. If a group of mums at the school don't let me in their clique who cares? It is very different when you are at school. Such treatment leaves you feeling totally worthless, b/c however much we build up our dcs their self-esteem very often relies on how they are seen by their peers. A year out could actually be very confidence building.

I had to go to dd1's head b/c a girl in yr 2 was threatening to come around to our house and beat dd1 up. Fortunately I got to hear of this via dd1's friend and it has gone over dd1's head, but if it had gone further I wouldn't hesitate to get her out. She' sfive and she's getting threats like that, in our little rural school...

Original poster
TooTicky · 25/08/2007 23:27

No, no friends in school. Unless bully is absent. But that's not real friendship, is it?
I don't feel it is running away - just calmly walking out of an unhealthy situation.

OP posts:
startouchedtrinity · 25/08/2007 23:29

Yeah, it's what we do as adults, isn't it? If we get insulted at work or in the pub we don't belt them one?

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 25/08/2007 23:31

Its very sad to hear of this with such young children isnt it?

Sounds like the other girls are not worthing knowing anyway.

Good luck with your dd.

(I tell you I would be like that mad woman off 'hand that rocks the cradle' when she grabsthe kid outside of school.)

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 25/08/2007 23:34

If someone insults me they get it back both barrels.

After I was bullied at school I was then bullied by first husband.Bullying has changed me thats for sure and prob not a better person either,kind of zero tolerance now

Original poster
TooTicky · 25/08/2007 23:40

Oh poor you. It's horrid having to feel defensive isn't it?
When I was bullied, I just started agreeing with them. I thought they'd leave me alone - but they didn't. But the negativity has stayed, and whenever anything goes wrong I blame myself, even when it's illogical. It's a hard pattern to get out of.

I want better for my dcs!

OP posts:
fillyjonk · 26/08/2007 07:37

I am going to give my two cents worth

Bullying is not really "normal" behaviour and it is not within the scope of things we should be expecting in adult life.

It is actually very rare to encounter adult bullying on the scale that Ticky is talking of. I have worked in employment law to an extent and the sort of adult bullying that gets to tribunals is way, way below anything here. What we call "bullying" in adults is actually often the sort of thing that we expect our kids to just get on with and take on the chin.

From what Ticky is saying, this is having a very serious effect on her dd1's self esteem.

Given this, I really don't see how taking this child out of school can be seen as running away. Its making a sensible, pragmatic choice.

I certainly want my kids to know that they don't have to fight every battle, just because its there.

littlerach · 26/08/2007 08:06

TooTicky, there is a WoodlandFolk group in Bradford on Avon area, if that is close to yuo (Ises you are in Wilts) and laso the Wildlife Trust used to have quite a lot of volunteers in Melksham I htink.
I htink you are making the right decision, you sound like you are confudent too.

juuule · 26/08/2007 08:51

Tooticky, you are absolutely making the right choice. Many people who have been bullied during their school years suffer the effects for many years after and sometimes never get over it.

Dinosaur · 26/08/2007 09:00

I think it sounds like the right choice in the circumstances too .

I was bullied and eventually learned to stand up to my tormentors and then to my eternal shame did a bit of bullying myself. Not good, avoid on your dd's behalf if at all possible.

I agree with fillyjonk that rarely during our working lives do we encounter anything like the bullying we have to deal with at school.

SauerKraut · 26/08/2007 09:10

I remember from my own experiences that however caring parents are, however much they try to resolve bullying, there are no words to describe the feeling of getting up every morning knowing what you have to face that day. Alone. They won't be there to help you when it's actually happening. It is an indescribably lonely, sick and helpless feeling. I would do anything to spare my kids that.

peanutbear · 26/08/2007 09:13

FWIW i think you have mde the right decision for you dd please let me know how you get on
I would have loved to have done this for ds

there is no need for what your daughter is going through it wont help her to stand up to people it will mke her cynical and standoffish like me !!!!

I just hope one day in the future the other girl relises wht its like to be excluded like that and her "friends" make the break from her so they can enjoy being hild instead of being hurtful

heres to new term as a Teacher mommy x

Wilkie · 26/08/2007 09:19

This thread has made me cry. I was really really bullied at senior school - I was popular in primary but went to a rough secondary school. Every day was hell, I went from class to class feeling sick, not making eye contact with anyone. I was clever and reasonably pretty.

I went on like this for 3 years until I started saying I was poorly just so I couldn't go in. Mum and Dad tried to find another state school for me but they were all out of catchment and wouldn't take me. I became a virtual recluse, terribly unhappy shadow of my former self.

In the end mum and dad paid for private school using all of their savings.

I blossomed joined the choir, orchestra, drama group and my shining hour was winning a bursary for my singing.

I was fortunate enough thata mum and dad could do this but I look back at ages 12-14 with so much sadness. Take her out of school. A year is endless at that age.