Who was bullied at school? I could do with some help thinking this through. Longish...

[TooTicky]

My dd1 (10) gets bullied at school. It is instigated by one girl who seems to have complete control over the other girls.
The headmaster has been great and really tried to integrate them but it is a long term problem and I can't see it being resolved easily.
It doesn't help that I think too much emphasis has been put upon my dd's problems with socialising (which are noticeable but not crippling away from school - but huge in school, largely due, I think, to previous bad experiences and feeling unable to trust anybody). And not enough emphasis upon the appalling behaviour of the problem girl.
So. She has one more year at this school. It is a small school - no other groups of children to hang around with.
She is extremely bright.
If this year starts as badly as the last one ended, should I just deregister her and homeschool her for a year?
I am worried about the exclusion she has already experienced and about the effects it will have on her if she has another year of it. I well remember the awful feeling of being unwanted and despised at school.
Poor love was so pleased and surprised recently when she had been playing with various children in a park....she said, "They actually liked me! I'm not rubbish after all!"

So, would it be unfair to make her suffer another year of it? Academically, she could easily cope without school. She'd probably learn more under her own steam.
How would you feel if you were her?
How would you feel if you were me?

Many thanks to anybody who has read this far

Thanks. I think I may make the decision - with dd - before school starts and just walk in with the deregistration letter. Before they can talk us out of it.

I had a bad time at school and it still affects me. A lot.

Good for you TT.xx

Good luck

Tooticky, what about joining your local green groups - your local Wildlife Trust or FoE will have a social network plus volunteering opportunities and may be a way for your dd to meet people. Also WEN, while for adults, will introduce you to similar families.

I was bullied at school. like your dd the most popular girl in the class disliked me and made sure that everyone else did too.

In my case it was because I had few social skills as my mother had never let me spend time with other children of my age, so I was an easy 'target'

In the end we all moved up to the secondary school and I made new friends and got over it.

Although I would have loved to have been taken out of primary school (as I was very unhappy) I would have missed out on wonderful things in secondary school. It is a trickyone.

Help with socialisation in things outside of school might be very helpful for your dd

I have just read the OP. I know someone in a similar situation. She removed her DD from the school were she was so unhappy and sent her to another school. Told people at the new school that they had moved not that she was bullied.

She was very happy for the last year of juniors before moving up to senior school.

I'd say move her. Being that unhappy is no good and the new school can't be worse right.

I haven't read the whole thread but if she has problems socialising then home schooling will not help her overcome this.

I was bullied at school. I never stood up to anyone, just took it for years and years. I tell my kids whatever happens to them they do it straight back then walk away.

What about joining Guides or going riding. Get her to do a hobby she enjoys. School friends aren't necessary great friends. My DD has 14 girls in her class and we haven't see one of them all summer.

I understand where you are coming from re; the HE and it does sound like your DD would benefit but it means the other girl gets away with her bullying. Which I have to say makes me .

Your DD has socialisation issues anyway and the school are trying to help her. I would be livid if one little bitch was ruining that for my DD and I would get her on her own (or better still with her little gang) and make her feel as small as possible. I.E "You do realise that you don't have any real friends - this little lot are only with you as you bully them. Perhaps if you tried to be nicer to people you might have REAL friends who like you. Of course - you wouldn't know what it is like to be "liked" for yourself and not have people pretend to like you as you bully them".

I feel better for typing that! It constantly amazes me how UK schools let the bullies off scot-free.

It will do wonders for your daughter's self esteem if she can stand up to this girl. Have you spoken to your GP maybe they can offer some counselling or there must be some books out there for children your daughter's age.

I was bullied in a small village primary. Like UCM the girl picked on adn excluded one person per week and then the rest weren't alloweed to pla with her. There were only about 40 kids in the school so it was a fairly bad exclusion.

I didn't push her through awindow but sometimes wish I had.

I went to secondary and made new friends but was then bullied by 2 other girls. I tried to avoid them as much as I could but after about 3 years I stood up to them as the torment was too much- I told her to hit me if she was going to cos I just couldn't take any more threats. My thinking was that I'd have bruises to prove the torment. Anyway she left me alone after that.

I was very clever in school and also tall and slim- that's why I was bullied.

I used my experiences now to help children who were bullied in the school where I taught. It has left me with low self esteem though and I'm 37.

Take your dd out for 1 year and let her have a fresh start at Secondary

Sorry me again. I suppose we have to think what is the worst that is going to happen to your daughter if she stands her ground and stands up to the bully? She'll be punched or kicked? OK, she can defend herself and if the bully hits out first she can definitely defend herself. I think a few bruises might be worth it to show the other girl your daughter shouldn't be messed with.

my son gets bullied He has aspergers and isnt great socially but again his shows itself more in school

I have thougt alot about HE but I am not sure I would be able to teach him all the things he needs to know

I was bullied at school because I was quiet,
Over the six weeks holiday when I was 13 I grew alot !!! when the bullying started on day 1 I punched her straight in the mouth she and her bunch of sheep stopped bullying me nd started on someone else, I thought I had to stick up for them too, but I changed my whole personality to stick up to them I was loud, mouthy I swore, and I hate to admit it but I started smoking to look bigger

So although I tell James to fight back I dont relly want him to change like I did he is a lovely sweet boy who wouldnt hurt a fly now

there are school attached bodies that ome and teach your dc oping skills and what they call a circle of friends so you mke different friends from diferent years to play with

James is on the waiting list for this to begin in September

Another vote for home schooling.

Surely if she has similar problems in high school (less likely as the bullies have more potential people to bully)...you could home school for those years also.

I was bullied by the same group thoughout primary and high school and I would of given anything to get out of that situation, I would of jumped at the chance of home schooling.

IME the bullies were the ones too thick to go on to college/uni. So your daughter is likely to have a better time as she goes on to these schools.

HTH

Tooticky - what about Kidscape? kidscape.org.uk. They have a great help line and will fight your corner. It sounds like the school's response is inadequate.

Also what about talking to the parents of the girls who follow the bully? Do they realise what is going on? I live in a small village too and wouldn't hesitate to let everyone know if a child was bullying mine and manipulating others into joining in. If I found my dcs were 'sheep' I'd sort that situation too.

Again, does the Guides leader know?

Thank you all for your responses. You have really helped me to think this through. I am now 99.9% definite about deregistering - once I've spoken to dd1 - not that I think she'll disagree!
It does feel like a big leap though, and I think ds1 in particular may be v. unhappy about it.
Guides are aware of the problem and the leaders are great, but nobody can stop the nasty looks and snide comments. It's got to the point where I think dd1 just needs to make a clean break from all the negativity.
The girl's parents have been spoken to and a few of the other parents are aware of the situation. I wouldn't approach them myself - I don't think I'd handle it well.
Good luck Peanut bear! Mild Aspergers tendencies have been mentioned with regard to dd1 but they are SO mild (although numerous) that I don't think a diagnosis would really gain her anything. I hope James gets some good help!

I think the Guides should expel anyone who behaves in that way. The fact that parents know and do nothing...I would die of shame if any of my dcs bullied.

Good luck to you and dd. Btw I have family nr. Dauntsey and one works at Malmesbury comp., maybe they know of any groups your dd would like if that is close to you? I'm happy to ask them.

TooTicky, I'm so sorry your daughter is having to go through this. I was bullied during almost all of my time at school (and received no back-up from my parents and suffered long-term self-esteem issues as a result of the bullying) and I'd say deregister her for a year and then start afresh at the new school (it's great news that the evil girl won't be there). It sounds as though your daughter has tried her hardest to deal with this situation for a long time and staying in it for longer is just going to make things worse. The bully obviously has a very strong power base and however hard the school may try to get everyone integrated and getting along there are plenty of quiet places in schools where the bullies can target their victims. And as you say, no-one can stop the snide comments and nasty looks. If it were me, I'd HE her for a year, get her involved in other activities as much as possible and work as much on boosting her confidence and giving her strategies to deal with unpleasant people as on the academic stuff (sounds like that's a breeze for her, which is good). My "guess what, some people like me!" moment came at 16 when I started volunteering at a hospital radio station and everyone was nice, friendly, no-one bullied me, it was such a revelation and really changed my life. I stopped caring about the people at school (and as a result they got bored and finally left me alone) and I had a really happy final two years at school because I had a life outside it which was far more important to me and was full of people who were genuine friends to me.

There is a climbing wall at the Link Centre in Swindon and they have a junior club called Cliffhangers for kids from 8-13. I think I remember you're in west Wilts (I posted on an earlier thread of yours about HE) so don't know if this is too far away for you, but I think they do taster courses so perhaps these would be good. Good confidence booster too.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I would certainly pull her out for a year. Almost my entire schooldays were an utter misery due to bullying. IME once a situation like this is entrenched it can be very difficult to turn around. Don't underestimate how much courage it takes a child to keep going back into that situation, day after day after day, and what a toll it takes. Pull her out for the year and then she can start afresh.

FWIW, I don't think she should be encouraged to 'sort it out' physically (even though this may be effective in some cases - it could also go horribly wrong).

Right, we have made our decision
We're going to return her unworn school shoes to the shop and we're not going to replace any uniform. Phew! (Haven't told the boys yet though...)

startouchedtrinity - I'd be very grateful if you could ask your family about possible groups

bearsmom - I remember you from my last thread Thank you so much for the climbing info - that is fantastically useful!

glad that you've made a well-planned decision. from what you say i feel pretty sure it is the right one.

can you spend some of the year developing specific skills that will slot her into the new school's groups? e.g. music lessons so that she can play an instrument in the orchestra - i won't go on because i'm sure you're doing this already

possible groups maybe:

woodcraft folk if there is a local group

Young Quakers may well be worth a try

Ah yes, Woodcraft Folk. I think we're on a waiting list...perhaps I should chase it up.

And I used to go to a Quaker meeting when I was a child. Must pluck up courage and go along.

TooT good luck

I think you are doing the right thing

good luck ticky, I think that is a good decision

yes she probably will face stuff like this in the future. I am misquoting someone here, but if she were going into a situation where you knew food would be short, you'd feed her up in preparation, not starve her to get her used to it. I think the emotional stuff is the same.

Also, if I were in that situation as an adult-if, say, I had a bullying boss, or was in a voluntary group with a person being nasty to me-tbh, I wouldn't see it as a learning experience, I'd try to remove myself from it. I don't think we learn all that much from being made miserable.

best of luck.

Thanks

Not sure if 10 is too young, but as you're rural, have you thought about the National Trust youth volunteering programme? Especially as DD1 likes history, all sorts of indoor and outdoor restoration projects to be involved with, which build skills and social networks:

Address The National Trust, Heelis, Kemble Drive, Swindon
SN2 2NA Tel 01793 817400
Email [email protected]

Also, to talk through what happened at school and to entrench in her the truth that the problem lies with the bully, not with DD1 (i.e. to build her self-esteem back up pre secondary school) I really recommend
'No More Bullying! (Talk It Over)' by Rosemary Stones and Pat Ludlow (Paperback - Jan 1992), cost about £6.
R. Stones, a psychotherapist, wrote it after experiencing her own daughter being bullied at school.