Massively first world problem but need your thoughts

[CFeatherstone]

Hi. I’m completely torn up and stressing myself out over a big decision. I also feel totally ridiculous for being this stressed out about it when most people don’t even have this luxury choice

I live in the catchment area (probably!) for a vg state primary. It’s not guaranteed but it’s looking probs 75% likely. It’s ‘outstanding’ and has a great reputation locally, and all my neighbours send their kids there. It’ll be Nov 2020 when we have to apply for it.

At the moment DD is at the nursery part of a v v posh and expensive prep school. She absolutely loves it, and I do as well. We are seriously considering it as an option instead of the state primary. However, it’s just such a ginormous expense, and I’m not sure it’s the right decision. We could use the money for a much nicer house, with a garden and space for friends and family to stay, which would enrich DCs life in other ways.

Education means everything to my family. It’s our number 1 priority. If I could guarantee this private school would be substantially better than the state primary I would totally just pay up and be happy with the decision. But I am just not sure how much of a difference it will make to her and DS in the long run when there’s a good free option round the corner. I can be flexible on working hours ie work full time and send DCs to private, or part time and send them locally. I was privately educated - amazing, sweet little prep school which was the making of me, and then big all girls boarding school which I absolutely hated. I really want to get this decision right because both my schools had such a big impact on my life and personality. I know either option is not a guarantee and I’m so worried I’ll regret my choice in future.

A lot of my privately educated friends are sending their kids to state school because even in decent high earning jobs they can’t afford the fees. The only reason I can afford it is because my parents passed away and I can use my inheritance to pay for the fees. We’re definitely not in the same income bracket as most people who send their kids there.

I also worry about the politics. DH and I both hate the current polarised system and how unfair it is, so we’d feel a bit hypocritical choosing an elite private school when in an ideal world we believe everyone should have equal opportunities in education. The problem is there’s this totally amazing option (or so it seems) for my kids and it’s just staring at me, and I feel in my gut it would be wrong deny them this opportunity when I could afford make that choice.

Also - I feel the tides are changing slightly - in 20 years time will they be at a social disadvantage having gone to private schools??

So sorry for the essay but to anyone who has got this far...what would you do??

Why can't you go and look round the state school?

Schools - both state and private - vary wildly in character and emphasis. What suits one child may very well not suit another. And what children need varies too.

You already know the private school from the nursery, but you need to look at the school as well, as they will be run by different people. You also need to look round the state school. An Outstanding OFSTED doesn't tell you whether the school is somewhere where your children will be happy, because that depends on whether the school is somewhere that suits your child.

You also need to think about how the loss of money will affect your children. Would they rather have a mum who works part time and picks them up at the school gates, or would they rather have a private education and be in after-school clubs every day? How will having less money affect your lifestyle - how stressed will it make you, will your children have to share a bedroom, what will happen if one of you get ill or one of your children take up an expensive hobby?

Having a garden is a great benefit to children. So is having friends who live nearby. How well do you get on with the other parents at the school? It's not necessary to like them, but it does make it easier for playdates etc.

For me, the most important thing at primary is that a child is happy, has friends, and enjoys learning and going to school. If you think your child will get that at state, I think having the freedom to work part time, having savings, and reducing the stress levels in my family would be more important to me than a shiny private school.
Don't underestimate how stressful it is being in a household where both parents work full time. It is totally doable and many families do, but it is hard. If you are in the fortunate position of being able to work part time, I think that's also a huge advantage to your children and the general happiness of your family, and I think you can spend some of the money you save on music lessons and sports clubs too.