Proof of family death

[Coo5]

I'm feeling miffed, but appreciate as a family our emotions are off kilter. My mil died recently, and all three of my children are at primary school. She did not live locally and to attend her funeral means my girls needing two days off school. I requested this through the normal channels, and today I received a hastily scribbled reply from the headmaster stating "if proof cam be obtained - if not it'll be unauthorised". After going back and forth with the office staff, I asked to speak with him in person. He confirmed that I did indeed need to provide a copy of her death certificate. I honestly think I was too shocked to process the insensitivity shown. On reflection I can see why it might be necessary, but it should have been handled better. Am I right to be put out? Does anyone know whether legally he can request this personal information?

We weren’t asked for anything when we had a death on the family. I wrote to the headmaster and informed the class teacher that a death was likely to occur in term time asking for permission. They said it would be fine so long as we informed them before pulling children from school.

My friend had to get a death certificate from Spain where her dad lived before he died. He was buried within three days and the children missed the funeral due to the head teachers intransigence. Rules are there for a reason but so is intelligence and empathy.

I've no doubt some families lie about such things, but why should we be penalised for other peoples people's moral compass being off.

Husband is raging and has fired an email off to Ofsted, so it will be interesting to see what their take is. As one poster said it's all in the delivery.

If - as your later post indicates - your childrens' attendance is high enough for this not to put you at risk of getting a fine, then just leave it at unauthorised.

I had a classmate who had at least 10 grandmothers...
tbh I would give a copy of the funeral announcement.

sorry for your loss

Ofsted aren’t going to be interested.

Yes, it’s an insensitive email, but your best approach is to comply (and you can ask your SIL nicely- she is going to be using it herself to complete paperwork) and tell him his manner was insensitive.

How would you even get a death certificate?

It's (presumably) issued to the next of kin. I had to go to a family member's funeral earlier in the year and would have been horrified if I'd had to phone their widow and demand a copy of the death certificate to prove the children and I were going to a genuine funeral. They died very unexpectedly and in quite distressing circumstances.

That’s awful. When my MIL died I had to request 2 days for my then Year 8 DD. I emailed her form tutor to inform her, adding that once the funeral date would set DD would need 2 days due to travel. I got back a lovely email offering condolences and “if DD needs anything please let us know”

Now that’s from a school whose Pastoral Care isn’t always the best. I think that’s pretty rotten of your Primary, how insensitive.

He's saying the absence will be unauthorised, so what? I wouldn't give it a second thought, from what you've said a fine sounds extremely unlikely if that's what you're worried about.

You are all grieving, why spend any head space on this, make your plans and don't engage with him any further, there's not going to be anything he can do about it.

How would you even get a death certificate?

it's a public record.

@stripeypillowcase Can you just order one for anyone then? I know you can for family trees/research etc, but had assumed that 'historic' ones were ok. Your great grandfather for example. I feel a bit odd at the thought that anyone can have one. It feels intrusive for someone who's just died.

How would the school even know that it was you MiL on the death certificate? She could have a different surname to your DC and it certainly wouldn't confirm the date of the funeral.

I'd send a copy of the death announcement in the local paper with a strongly worded letter copied to Ofsted as to how insensitively this has been dealt with.

I’d just say you can’t get a copy of a death certificate due to data protection and you’re appalled they have even asked you, give them an address/date for the funeral and don’t give it another thought.

I would't provide a death certificate tbh. It's horribly intrusive and there would be so much information I would redact because they simply have no right to know it.
Let the days be marked as unauthorised. Provide a letter that explains why they were absent and request it is put in their file.
Sorry for your loss and sorry school have handled this so badly

I am sorry for your loss but honestly Ofsted won't be interested. They don't look at individual complaints from parents.

Also if you want to complain about something at a school you have to follow the school's complaint policy

We had to get one for a relative who lived abroad so they could attend their mother’s funeral as it was their work policy.

Unfortunately it’s become more common as a standard policy.

When I was at university my DB's fiancée died tragically. I had to use pictures of her grave, press articles and an order of service as proof so that my deadline could be extended

Just submit the order of service. It was proof enough for my university and ought to be proof enough for a primary school.

Though next time I'd just claim vomiting and diarrhoea. Or accept the unauthorised absences- it's not like it matters much.

I would tell them to fuck off and take the unauthorised absence, there's no consequence in any case for 2 days off.
I have never asked for authorisation I have always just told the school that they wont be in school.

People do lie about funerals but an interim notification of the death should be enough for the school.

Good god that's taking insensitivity and beuocracy to a new low. Its highly unlikely you would have lied about this especially given its not even holiday season and presumably your kids have normal attendance otherwise.

I would make it clear that you're prepared to provide proof (although yo be honest a death certificate is ott to justify two days absence) but state very clearly that the request was incredibly insensitive and you want assurance the school will act with more tact (and basic human kindness) in future.

An interim certificate is issued so that funeral can take place, your sil will have copies of this, we were recommended to have 10 and our dd who died was 3. Sadly even shutting down a phone contract requires a death certificate, when dd died i provided my dss with a death certificate as it was just before his A levels, my now exh had to scan and send a copy of dds certificate to prove to an airline that there was a reason he cancelled a flight and needed a refund.. you are not the only ones who are penalised, but its a sad state of our times that schools feel it necessary to request proof. Condolences to your family.

Just submit the order of service. It was proof enough for my university and ought to be proof enough for a primary school

That doesn't follow at all, why would a specific school apply the same rules as a random university? Apples and carrotts.

That doesn't follow at all, why would a specific school apply the same rules as a random university? Apples and carrotts (sic)

The point being that a formal academic institution that needed to give an extension to an academic deadline was fine with it, so I fail to see why the burden of proof would be higher for a school that two of the three kids don't even need permission for absences from. One would expect the burden of proof to be higher at a university.

Also, it's carrots with one t.

Also, it's carrots with one t.

Whoops, sorry! Meant to delete that prior to posting.