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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Parents expected in primary school during the day - can’t do it!

86 replies

Komersantka · 30/10/2019 16:47

My daughter is in first year of primary school, husband and I work with quite a commute. The school appears to be run by a clique of mums who are around all day - they organise massage afternoons where the kids get to try out massage skills on their parents, and they did a daytime thing for Halloween last week where the kids paraded and parents clapped. I can’t really take time off for things like this. My little girl has been complaining that she and another girl are the only ones who’s mums aren’t there. The other girls mum is in the same boat. I’m not sure why parents need to be constantly at the school. Anyone else in the same boat? I’m thinking all I can do is just say to the class teacher - look, I’ll make these things if I’m off, but by default it’s a no, and just try and build my daughters resilience to it. I’ve literally no choice at all on this.

OP posts:

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itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 30/10/2019 16:52

I know the feeling - DC has just started pre school and so far I've had to take at least 4 afternoons off work to attend school "events" in the first half term! - I can work anywhere from Bournemouth to Edinburgh and I feel awful that there will be events I'm going to miss - I've just been lucky so far with when they've happened

Luckily DH does working locally so we are going to try and split attending where possible in 2020 onwards but looking at the calendar of things it's going to eat up a massive chunk of annual leave!

The last one I went to a few grandmothers/grandfathers were there instead of parents - is that an option for you?

sleepismysuperpower1 · 30/10/2019 16:53

i would do what you suggested, yes. you might find that once you are through with reception it all dials back anyway and there won't be nearly as many events. do you have any grandparents/aunties or uncles that live near enough who could pop along to the occasional event? i have never heard of a massage thing happening at a school either

Sleepyhead19 · 30/10/2019 16:54

Same here. Parents are encouraged to go in, help read, help with work and games etc. I work part time but during the week and my day job is within school hours so I don’t have to pay so much childcare. I can’t afford it but am made to feel guilty that I can’t be more involved.

1happyhippie · 30/10/2019 17:01

Same happens at our school. I have missed a lot of these days with my three dc.
They have parent involvement a lot in the first years. It’s a nice idea, but not at all practical for me!
I have always made sure I am there for parents evenings, sports days and the nativity plays. Anything else I have had to decline.
There were quite a few children who didn’t have a parent attend as lots are in the same boat op.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/10/2019 17:01

Sounds like hard work. My DM was a SAHM and I don't remember all this when I was at primary school

BeanBag7 · 30/10/2019 17:10

Yes I would mention it to the teacher, but you would probably need to speak to the head or pta as an individual teacher probably doesnt have a say in timings.

Does your DD have an aunt or grandparent who could attend sometimes.

Original poster

Komersantka · 30/10/2019 17:14

I’m lacking in relatives round here so we can’t do the granny and grandad option. I think I’ll do the nativity and sports day but that’s it and just not feel bad.

SnuggyBuggy - same here, my mum didn’t work and I never saw her tread beyond the school gates! Times have changed. It’s good in a way but I think they can go too far!

OP posts:

Greysparkles · 30/10/2019 17:31

I think it's a tad unfair to spoil it for everyone else just because you're at work, the teachers already understand....they are at work themselves!! And I doubt they can even make their own kids sports day

malmontar · 30/10/2019 17:45

I agree with @Greysparkles. I worked in schools for ages and the kids of teachers/support staff were just like your daughter so the teacher will for sure underatand. I find it's a bit of an irony that that is the case. There is no way you can take time off during term time unless your immediate family has had an emergency (my cousin's funeral didn't get approved). It sounds like most of the parents can make it so unlikely it'll stop but past EYFS these things are a lot rarer.

underneaththeash · 30/10/2019 18:05

It was one of the reasons I don't work very much. I've 3 children and different schools and they always seem to have things on. The children who don't have someone there, do seem upset.

Could you ask a grandparent to come down occasionally? Could you and your husband negotiate a salary sacrifice for some extra holiday?

If you only have the one child, it could be possible although you're never going to be able to attend everything, but at least if you could do some of them.
It does go on through primary, but seems to have mainly stopped in our state secondary.

MrsCollinssettled · 30/10/2019 18:08

They don't get rarer IME. All through primary school there were the events you expect, nativity, harvest festival, sports day, but then several more each term. Plays, sports competitions (transport your child or they can't participate), parent lunches, parent assemblies, SATs preparation, learn how we teach maths, learn how we teach English, advice on school residential trip, presentation on what the kids did on residential trip, Y6 transition workshop, Y7 presentation by secondary school, keeping safe online...

All potentially things you'd want to attend but all timed part way through the morning or early afternoon. The teachers would repeatedly say that they don't get to go to their children's events either. There doesn't seem any appetite for schools to try putting events on in the evenings so that they would get a chance to see what their own children are doing as well and increase opportunities for working parents.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/10/2019 18:10

Our school is like this. I've become hardened to it over time. I take leave for Sports Days and Assemblies (nativity and the end of term one).

I tell my kids I can't attend their craft mornings or their stay and plays because I need to work for money for their holidays. They seem content with that.

There's one particular mum who took delight in telling me that she "did the mum thing for your dd as she was every so upset you weren't there". When I apologised to dd that I couldn't make it and sorry she was upset, she was all "What you on about?"

stucknoue · 30/10/2019 18:13

There's a few times per term because parents want to see what their kids are up to but be assured that not everyone comes. We made sure that one of us was around to be go to these things (me) around 2/3 of kids had a parent or grandparent there

Bunnybigears · 30/10/2019 18:16

I told both my DS's when they started school that Mummy and Daddy will get to any events they can but for most of the things we wouldbt be able to get there as we have to go to work to earn the pennies to buy the food and our house etc. They accepted that very easily. Have you actually sat her down and explained why you are not there. Not just because you 'are at work" because that really doesnt mean anything to them but neciae you have to earn money or if you are a nurse or something because you have to look after the poorly people etc. I think if they know there is a good reason they accept it a lot better. I also reminded them the night before and in the morning that I wouldn't be there so they didnt forget and expect me to walk in. The teachers and other parents tend to make a fuss of the ones who dont have an adult there.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 30/10/2019 18:17

It happens, I worked full time too when mine were little. I made every nativity, Easter service and sports day.

That’s it.

BubblesBuddy · 30/10/2019 18:18

At our school, a lot of events took place in the evenings. Plays, briefings on the curriculum, trips, Y6 11 plus and transition and parents evenings were all held in the evenings.

Parents who run things choose their own time. It’s not obligatory to help or go. Make time for plays, harvest, Christmas and sports day. Other events such as massage are not important!

There were always parents who worked full on! Doctors and teachers were just a few of them.

I would suggest the school look at holding all important events in the evening. Optional fun events don’t matter. They should give you dates in advance so you can book holiday for the vital days and always go to the PTA events if you can when they are held at the weekend.

Memememez · 30/10/2019 18:18

That's strange to me. Because we have had no events till date, where parents needed to attend during school hours, for our daughter who is in reception.

OnceFreshFish · 30/10/2019 18:34

Wow, we have nothing like that. In the course of a year there will be one or two little assemblies the kids put on (parents can be in the audience but it's not interactive). Then maybe one sport event which parents can watch at school. In older years there are also sport matches against other schools but only 1/3 of parents are able to attend and they'll make a point of cheering on kids who have no parent there.

minipie · 30/10/2019 18:35

There’s always a few like nativity and sports day, but it shouldn’t be all the time. Things like you describe in your OP (massage and halloween parade) sound like a waste of everyone’s time tbh.

In your shoes I would talk to the teacher and point out that these events are unfair on those with two working parents. You might find the teacher is all too happy to get the keeno parents to dial it down - I bet these events are a headache for the teachers too.

OnceFreshFish · 30/10/2019 18:36

We do occasionally have things parents are strongly advised to attend (no more than once a year) and they are always in the evening.

Bluetac19 · 30/10/2019 18:41

Schools can't win though can they? We invite people in and get judged for inviting you in. If we don't have parent events then we can get accused of not having good relationships with parents.

FWIW we have about 1 parent event per half term. We don't "expect" parents to attend but we're happy if they do.

We try to have things at the start or end of the day so that some parents might be able to get a late start or early finish at work. We ensure things like leavers assemblies happen at 6pm or 7pm so more parents can attend. We run the Xmas performance twice to allow parents more flexibility. We run parents evenings over 3 days to allow more choices despite it impacting on our own families.

We try. We really do. Nothing is ever good enough though is it.

CantstandmLMs · 30/10/2019 18:43

I swear I'm kept on all day as a Nanny for older kids just so the kids have someone there! I'm needed all the time at school events for all the kids.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/10/2019 18:48

What minipie said. I thought teachers struggled to fit all the curriculum in and now they are expected to make time for massage and Halloween sessions?

57Varieties · 30/10/2019 18:51

Yep, it’s a pain. You can only do what you can though. I doubt the teachers will be that bothered, I can’t imagine they get time to attend all manner of school events. I’ve been lucky and had supportive bosses that accommodate these things but I’ve not made it to every single thing, I try to go to the most important though.

FairyBunnyAgain · 30/10/2019 18:53

This isn’t that new, my D.C. started primary 20 years ago and we have the same then, I worked full time but locally, DH had a reasonable commute and not much annual leave.

The school got really annoyed with me when I wouldn’t attend the “what we are teaching this term” meeting at 3pm midweek with about 2 days notice and told me there wasn’t a hand out for parents who couldn’t attend.

I made it to all the plays and sports days, and some of the class assemblies if they were on a Friday at the end of the day, I didn’t go to any of the random events, sometimes my mum went or my sister if it was her day off and her DC was in the event too. For things like the book day sale I sent the nanny/au pair with some funds.

Talking to my D.C. now that they are adults they don’t remember being scarred by our lack of attendance.

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