Parents expected in primary school during the day - can’t do it!

[Komersantka]

My daughter is in first year of primary school, husband and I work with quite a commute. The school appears to be run by a clique of mums who are around all day - they organise massage afternoons where the kids get to try out massage skills on their parents, and they did a daytime thing for Halloween last week where the kids paraded and parents clapped. I can’t really take time off for things like this. My little girl has been complaining that she and another girl are the only ones who’s mums aren’t there. The other girls mum is in the same boat. I’m not sure why parents need to be constantly at the school. Anyone else in the same boat? I’m thinking all I can do is just say to the class teacher - look, I’ll make these things if I’m off, but by default it’s a no, and just try and build my daughters resilience to it. I’ve literally no choice at all on this.

We had a lot of this going on when I was at school. It was a lower end private school so one half of families were very working class with both parents working as much as possible. The other half were families where the husband earned an ok amount but the wife was too lazy to work. So obviously there was a divide with children either never having parents attending or always having their mother there. To make a generalisation the ones who had mothers always in attendance took a little bit longer to emotionally mature but as far as I can tell five years on it’s not made a huge difference. Although who knows, maybe when they have children they’ll follow in their mothers’ foot steps. It’s definitely not going to do your daughter any harm to learn from an early age that the life of a parent, while lived primarily for the benefit of the child does not revolve around the child.

Not all schools are like this. There is a certain kind of head who likes the idea of a “trad” family with two resident parents, one of whom is SAH. That kind of head likes:

School days that start at 9am
No formal wrap around care
PTA coffee mornings
Parents “evenings” that start at 2pm and end at 7pm
Other “important” class meetings for all parents which start at 3pm
Minimal notice (maybe 24 hours) of “important” meetings which start at 3pm
Messages home in school bags to say that x, y and z party food must be brought to school at 9am tomorrow.
Mother’s Day child-and-mother “breakfasts” which start at 9.30am
Prayer meetings for parents - always mid morning
After school clubs that only start two weeks into term and end a week before the end of term

"The other half were families where the husband earned an ok amount but the wife was too lazy to work."

So you think the mother who is a SAHM is just too lazy to work. Lovely. What is wrong to choose not to work if you can afford it, and circumstance needed for a parent to stay at home?

@Windowboxgardener, I'm guessing those schools that insist on weeks or whole terms of half days in reception also count

The Heads who like day time activities tend to have staff who are not happy working in the evenings! They cannot be forced to work in the evenings.

Clubs never start immediately term starts and always finish before the end of term. Schools are not always set up to replicate paid childcare. Obviously some do more than others but it’s been the norm for working parents to engage child minders before and after school.

It’s probably just as well all women do not go out to work and spend time with their DC. Less hassle for teachers!

Wow velveteenfruitbowl what a load of vitriolic tosh about SAHMs.

@Velveteenfruitbowl

Very hard to take your comment seriously with such a massive chip on your shoulder. Not all or even most SAHM are too lazy to work (any more than working mothers can't be bothered to bring up their own kids). There is also no evidence that kids of SAHM are less mature - completely ridiculous (a 5 year old is never and should never be independent anyway).

Perhaps if we stopped trying to criticize and bring each other down all the time it would be easier for people to consider each other's points of view when running school events.

OP it does sound OTT to have so many events where parents are expected to attend school. I do think it's nice to have the occasional event where parents can see what goes on in the class room or watch a sports match etc but I've never heard of this happening more than once a term. It's bound to thin out soon - when the curriculum becomes less play based, I can't imagine they'll want loads of parents milling around during literacy and numeracy lessons.

bubblesbuddy

Are you one of those heads?
Because it sounds like bunkum I’m afraid. The reason I know that is because other schools, whose heads are more in tune with the practical realities of the local area and modern family structures (and budgets), and who are not stuck in the 1950s, seem to find alternatives...

I know schools who start breakfast club on the first day of term, and/or take sign ups for after school clubs the previous term so they can start right away. Schools that give dates with lots of notice so working parents can book time off if necessary. Schools that allow third party childcare providers to run wrap around care on the premises if the teachers can’t or won’t. Schools that spread a class’s parents evening out over three evenings (eg 4-6pm x3 ) so everyone has a fair chance for a slot. Schools which allow parents to email teachers, so they don’t have to take an afternoon off work for ten minute meeting to ask what their child is working on at the moment or why their child hasn’t brought home a new reading book home in three weeks....

There are plenty of things that can be done if heads have the right attitude, but unfortunately some are only too happy to find excuses.

@minipie @HundredsAndThousandsOfThem
@Idontlikeitsomuch

Not at all, I spent some time as a SAHM myself when mine were little. But these families couldn’t really afford it. If the mother had worked then they would have been able to send their child to a good school (even on a lower paid job that would have been enough unless they had more then three kids). But instead of working an undemanding job for supplementary income they chose to disadvantage their children. It was pure laziness.

In contrast I wouldn’t call the SAHM (of which there were a lot) at the school were I went when I was older lazy. Their children had every advantage in life. They could genuinely afford to make a personal lifestyle choice without affecting their children.

I also didn’t say that their children were less mature. The opposite actually. In the end everybody got to the same level of adult maturity. Obviously some got there quicker but ultimately it didn’t make a difference in early adulthood everyone was in a good place.

Fair enough I misread the tone of your comment.

My parents made very few school events when I was a child. Nativity, not really sports day as I was crap and hated it, not every prize giving, a few concerts.

They explained to me they had to work, we didn't have family near by - most were in another country!

I grew up incredibly proud of the fact that my DM couldn't be there as she was working and had a career so not every child feels diappointed mum isn't there.