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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Parents expected in primary school during the day - can’t do it!

86 replies

Komersantka · 30/10/2019 16:47

My daughter is in first year of primary school, husband and I work with quite a commute. The school appears to be run by a clique of mums who are around all day - they organise massage afternoons where the kids get to try out massage skills on their parents, and they did a daytime thing for Halloween last week where the kids paraded and parents clapped. I can’t really take time off for things like this. My little girl has been complaining that she and another girl are the only ones who’s mums aren’t there. The other girls mum is in the same boat. I’m not sure why parents need to be constantly at the school. Anyone else in the same boat? I’m thinking all I can do is just say to the class teacher - look, I’ll make these things if I’m off, but by default it’s a no, and just try and build my daughters resilience to it. I’ve literally no choice at all on this.

OP posts:

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Samplesss · 31/10/2019 05:35

The only events parents came to when I was at school was sports day, and the Nativity play. Seems a bit excessive and exclusionary, are they really benefitting from learning massage? If you have to work as you either can't afford to stay at home or you want to continue working, you now have something else to feel guilty about. If the teachers empathise why do they allow it?

pippitysqueakity · 31/10/2019 05:52

if the teachers empathise, why do they allow it?
How much power do you think we have? We don’t allow things SLT decide, we do them!

velocitygirl7 · 31/10/2019 05:59

Maybe no consolation but I attended every dam thing at my dc school and now they are 15 & 18, they don't really remember me being there!

Goatinthegarden · 31/10/2019 06:04

‘Parental Involvement’ is one of the current educational trends. We’re told children do better if their parents are involved in their education. Most parents can do this without visiting the school, but there are some parents who don’t have a clue what types of things they can be doing to benefit their child at home and wouldn’t think to find out themselves. So the powers that be have decided that the answer to this it that parents need to be allowed the chance to come into the classroom.

As a teacher, it’s time consuming, takes extra planning, some kids are so badly behaved when they have family in the room, some kids get emotional when they go to leave, some kids get upset they haven’t got a parent there. We also get a lot less done with a roomful of adults. I grin and get on with it, I know that myself and most of my colleagues would prefer it didn’t happen, but management like to push it on us.

Parents usually tend to get bored attending these things and after year one, numbers drop dramatically, so don’t worry.

cheeseycharlie · 31/10/2019 06:11

Yes, we have this. I accept that it works for some parents and don't want to spoil things for others but I see it as an inclusivity issue.
I have had panicked calls from school admin at the start of my workday when arriving at my office nearly an hour away, telling me I need to be there because DS is getting an award in assembly that no one told us about, or has forgotten his instrument- and then they're all like "what do you MEAN you can't make it??!!"
Might sound counter intuitive but get involved with PTA as much as your life allows and try to influence from within. I am unashamedly the annoying voice of working parents. I'm 6 years into school stuff so have had time to build confidence and connections to do this. If they start organising must-attend art shows which require multiple mid-afternoon school visits (ie after drop off when SAHP assume EVERYONE is available) I'm straight on WhatsApp to the PTApowers that be.
And I volunteer 1 PTA event per year where I take time off for it and my kids see me there and I'm 'in' the PTA then, which helps on all fronts.

BillywilliamV · 31/10/2019 06:16

Join the PTFA and start organising events at time’s to suit working parents?

cheeseycharlie · 31/10/2019 06:24

Also once you have bedded in and made some friends then you could ask a pal to take pics of your DC at events like shows and sports day and send them to you. When you go through these pics with DC and say how proud you are, they will love it and it will make you all feel more involved.
If your school allows pics (ours does).

Make the kids feel you are there in spirit if not actually there, IYSWIM!

Jenpop234 · 31/10/2019 07:41

Schools can't win. They have to offer events like these so that parents can be involved in school life. I'm a teacher so I will never get to go to any of my son's events so I feel your pain, daddy and grandparents try to go when they can. Plenty of parents don't turn up to these events because they are working. Our school has had 2 in school events already this term but we also stay late and have done a 6pm parents evening, a late disco and a SATs information evening.

EggysMom · 31/10/2019 07:46

Might sound counter intuitive but get involved with PTA as much as your life allows and try to influence from within

I tried this, our son's school relaunched their PTA with an evening meeting so I attended and volunteered to take a committee role ... We then had a vote as to whether the meetings should be evening or during school hours, and they've been held during school hours ever since. There are times I'd swear my son is the only one in the school with a parent who works full-time ...

daisypond · 31/10/2019 07:48

We both were working parents with a commute. School didn’t hold events in the daytime generally. School plays were both in daytime and evening so people could attend whichever suited. Sports day wasn’t a thing, as school didn’t have a playing field, only a small yard. Parents couldn’t go to assemblies - I’ve never heard of this - as there wouldn’t be space.

yoohooitsme · 31/10/2019 07:51

As someone pointed out earlier the teachers are at work so they will get it.

I have been a wfh parent a portly parent on chemo and a work a distance away parent all bring challenges with school parents ‘opportunities’. I have not always been able to go along I captaincy can’t at the moment.

Agree a policy with dc so they know they can expect you at certain things and we also have a little thumbs up sign for when dc spot me in the audience because it’s important to me and them to share those moments.

What ever you do there will alllllways be one mum who is front and centre at every event ‘Helping’ wherever possible, be glad for your dc that it’s not you 🤪

PutBabyInTheCorner · 31/10/2019 07:52

Think all schools are like this.
I have a child in reception and we constantly get letters about going in for special events, reading etc. I work ft and take leave for Christmas play and sports day. The rest of the time I don't bother and my kids don't seem to mind. To be honest I'm glad I'm out of it and not part of the school mums cliche.

LizzieMacQueen · 31/10/2019 07:57

Wait @Komersantka, did you say massage? What's that all about?

Happysummer · 31/10/2019 08:45

Be kind to yourself, you cannot attend every event! In the early years there are a lot. We had stay and play afternoons, craft afternoons, family assembly as well as the normal nativity and sports day. Plus the topic afternoon where you come in at 2.30pm to see a display of children's work! We also have quarterly reading cafés where you read with your child for 30 minutes at the beginning of the day. It never ends.

Even SAHM don't attend everything, especially when they have younger siblings to look after. I worked full time during DDs infant years and we agreed to only attend sports day, nativity and daddy would do family assembly. She did get upset, but we explained why and at least it set expectations a little. I do wish the teachers would explain better to the children not every parent would be there instead of 'lets get excited to welcome ALL the parents!' and then have crying children when they can't find their parent.

Do speak with the teacher so they know you won't be there and can help explain to your child not this time, rather than 'I'm sure mummy will be here soon'. Your child won't remember most of this, so don't stress too much.

dameofdilemma · 31/10/2019 09:03

Not all schools are like this. Schools can 'win' and have a positive relationship with parents.
Dd's outstanding primary has exactly 3 events a school year that parents are invited to that are during school hours (Xmas play, sports day and class assembly).
The teachers seem to value class time for teaching.

They have an Easter egg hunt/fair and one or two other events in the school year after school finishes on a Friday but not everyone goes. All the children in the after school club (and its full...) are taken by the ASC staff.

Yes there are regular reading mornings but most parents can't make more than one or two.

Most families have two working parents and the school recognises that and doesn't seem to have a problem with it. The kids are thriving, staff turnover seems low, there are no supply teachers (I've heard locally lots of teachers have applied to work there) and I've only heard positive comments about the school.

KTC40 · 31/10/2019 09:17

My 5 year old's school is like that. She is in Y1, I go in for parent reading occasionally but I find it hard. My DD is very quiet and lacking in confidence so seeing the other louder more confident children is hard. I try and avoid going into the school for this reason.

Even one of the TA's said it was a good idea I didn't attend a parent child afternoon picnic as my DD would just cling to me. There are groups of parents that get involved in everything. My DD doesn't get invited to play dates or birthdays so I find it too painful. I'm going to take her to the GP soon as there may be more too it. Don't feel that you have to go to everything, there are plenty of parents that work and don't 🤗

MarchingFrogs · 31/10/2019 09:46

don’t go to sports day. An hour, in the Middle of the day, and often cancelled due to weather. Nah

Ours are all long past primary age (youngest in yr12), but sports day was one event I did try to get to. One year, it had rained the night before and the school were havering about whether or not to hold the KS1 sports day, scheduled for the morning. A group of us sat in a local cafe, awaiting the message. It was cancelled, so we dispersed. Only to be greeted at hometime by the information that the event had actually gone ahead 'and it was lovely and quiet with no parents there'.

DS2 was in yr1, so at least we'd had all the DC's 'first sports days' by this time. One of the Reception fathers, divorced and no longer living in the area, had hung on for as long as he could, in case the HT changed his mind, but in the end could no longer justify the time away from work and headed off. For him and his DC I very nearly wept.

PTA massage sessions are not at all the same thing...

MollyButton · 31/10/2019 09:51

I was a SAHM mother and hated it when moe of these kind of things were organised by a new head.
I would definitely speak to the Head. This is not fair that children are made to feel left out because their parents need to work or have other reasons they can't make it (younger siblings, elderly relatives etc.). I found it upsetting when they did a "Grandparents Tea" - as my DC's only surviving Grandparents lived 100s of miles away and were not in the best health; but at least the school then invited residents of a local care home too.

MirkwoodMiss · 31/10/2019 10:36

Maybe no consolation but I attended every dam thing at my dc school and now they are 15 & 18, they don't really remember me being there!

Same!!

Idontlikeitsomuch · 31/10/2019 11:13

I think it must be frustrating for working parents, but if they start doing everything where they can attend, that is making teachers or others work late for this.
My dc's primary does many info nights in the evening, but only handful of parents turn up. I always felt bad for teachers, doing all that and not many actually appreciate it.
Fun things for kids need to be done during the day anyway.
I was grateful for the people organize fun things for kids, it's not easy. Call them a clique of mums is a bit mean.

tashkent · 31/10/2019 15:15

A while ago I had tears from my son because I couldn't come to a music thing he was in. Then at the last minute I could go after all. He didn't spot me in the crowd - but I watched him, laughing and grinning through the whole event. Afterwards I said to him 'I'm so pleased, I did manage to come after all!' He said, 'To what? Oh yes, that. Oh good. What's for tea?'

tashkent · 31/10/2019 15:18

Oh, and if you do talk to your kids about why you can't go to stuff, be careful what you say. One girl at DS's school proudly announced to a bunch of mums at a daytime event that her own mummy couldn't be there, because 'she had a very important job and didn't just sit at home drinking coffee and doing nothing'. Went down really well with the SAHMs, as you can imagine.

Original poster

Komersantka · 31/10/2019 15:43

Hm, it sounds like this varies a lot from school to school. I do get the impression the teachers at my daughters school are pushed around a lot by a very active group in the parent's council who have time on their hands. I''d prefer for them to be left to get on with the teaching. I also have this feeling that the school is a place for my daughter to develop as a social being outside of the family, without mum and dad constantly there, hovering.

I'm not going to bother saying anything to the school after reading the teachers' comments as they are just doing what they have to. I'll keep talking to my little girl and let her know why I can't go when I can't, and just be matter of fact about it.

OP posts:

velocitygirl7 · 31/10/2019 20:15

@Happysummer I totally agree with you, school staff can really help working parents by preparing children for having nobody at an event.
I always sit the class down just a few minutes before parents arrive and explain that not all 'grown ups' are able to come and not to worry as their 'school grown ups' are always there and will join in with whatever they need help with or cheer them along if they are performing. This really works! It bugs me when staff don't take the time to do it!

Aislingmary1 · 31/10/2019 20:18

Please don't stress, most teachers know why you are not there. Focus on the things you have control over. I'm a mother of 4 and a teacher and honestly I understand your feelings. It's so hard to be a working mum and sometimes you will meet people who understand and others who judge. You can't control others but you can always control giving your kid a massive hug at the end of the day or reading with them on an evening or just telling them you love them to the moon and back.

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