My child didn’t pass the assessment for school- my fault?

[Lostmumof2]

Hi, a bit first world issue, I am very upset my daughter didn’t get into a selective private school at 3+. I just assumed she would (silly I know). I did as much as I could (I think) without pressuring her. I wanted her to get in without too much extra help if she did, but the things they tested on she just isn’t good at atm. If feel worse as she liked that school and a lot of her friends will be going. It is very competitive etc and my daughter is a very capable little girl but just can not colour to save her life!
I have always taught her to think outside the box but clearly this doesn’t help when schools want children that they can mould. Our state options are limited and she is down for another private school but it’s single sex. We also have a younger son, so it would have been very easy for him just to go the that same school etc.
I blame myself and can’t seem to see past the fog of how badley I have failed her and her brother. Both myself and hubby went to state and we are comfortable and the state private affordability is 50/50 as we are self employed so every year is different but I just feel I want a better education for my kids and the opportunity it brings without the glass ceiling. The other co-ed options are very limited and just are not worth the money in my area, so had my hopes on this one. I haven’t said anything to my daughter just that she won’t be going there as mummy and daddy do not like etc which she was confused about and said but no I liked it, which killed me. But it’s hard to hide my feelings from her, I can’t even stop crying, pathetic I know.
Anyone had a similar thing and come out the other side as atm I just can’t, I didn’t thing I would be this upset about it

My DD failed to get into one of the London selective Independent schools at 4. She then got into the same school at 7 and ended up being one of the top pupils in the school, finishing with 11 A*s at gcse. I would love to understand how they made those 4+ selections. I actually feel quite ridiculous when I remember how upset I was at the time.

Thank you Jeanne16, that’s very reassuring! I know it is crazy how it makes you feel. But it all happens for a reason (or I like to think so anyway) xxx

FWIW, OP, I think an all girls primary (such as Stormont) is an ideal educational environment for girls. They never develop the habit of deferring to boys and the classes are run by teachers who are not in the position of catering to the boys.

I went to an all girls primary and I dearly wish this option had been available for my DDs, though the school they attended had many strengths. People talk a lot about the importance of girls' secondary schools but imo a good deal of adverse conditioning of each individual girl has already been done in the mixed sex environment by the age of 12, and girls secondary schools can't reverse all of that.

It's no harm (maybe a practical pita) to have siblings attending separate schools. Teachers won't fall into the trap of comparing and contrasting.

Entrance tests at three? What kind of batshit world is this? Why don't you do what plenty of people do. Send her to state school first, preferably one with a good integrated nursery, where she'll learn to read and write perfectly well and save your money. Then, once the state sector has done all the hard graft, hoik her off into the private school system at KS2 where she can mix with children from naicer families, ensure she develops a better accent and benefit from smaller classes and a prestigious education.

I imagine Moanella that the OP has felt a need to make her DD's childhood as different as possible from her own? She said I just don’t want her to go through the disappointments and hardship I had to growing up, I just want her to be happy ... which is a perfectly natural feeling to have. (Until one realises it's impossible to shield children from those things, however much money one has.)

Please tell me that people are not tutoring 3 year olds to pass these things!

Find her somewhere with a language rich environment & lots of high quality play time and let her develop a bit more. Keep her name down for reassessment later on if you want

Kids development is uneven in preschool. Put it this way if they tested kids at 14months some would be walking and some wouldn't. Doesnt mean the early walkers are better at walking later does it? If they tested them at 24 months some would have better language than others. Etc etc

DD2 was an incredible colourer at 3, amazing pen control, totally fastidious and neat. Her friend was messy and terrible.

DD is now at uni, has terrible handwriting and no arty skill at all. Her friend is at an equally great uni and had an art scholarship at school.
It's tough, but it means nothing.

It#'s part of parents' right to choose surely? I wanted single sex education from 4+ - 18 for my children and I was keen on early academic selection although the boys were in pre-prep / prep schools which have a bit more of a mixed (academically) intake with more selection at 13+.

I certainly agre unevent development happens. My child with the best A level grades of my children from just last year was certainly not the strongest at prep school and at 11 even. However that does not mean I am against selection. The whole of life is selective in all kinds of ways. Some things are the same throughout your lives. We have a video of my twins at about 1 crawling and the one who has always been really good at all sports even then was a whizz at crawling and hand and eye co-ordination and his twin never even mastered crawling - did it on 3 limbs - it looks really funny on the video and he is not sporty now either.

Please don’t worry. My DD would never have passed the tests in a million years. She went through a stage of not talking at all and being painfully shy just before the 4+. She wouldn’t even have gone into the assessment room with a teacher she dudb’t Know, I decided to save us all the stress and we went state. Never regretted it since. When I compare her now to her friends who did go to the assessment and passed, I can’t see the difference. DD is just as articulate, reads the same books ( even more challenging ones sometimes) etc... What state school doesn’t offer (trips to the theatre, good language lessons, advanced swimming for our school), we do with her at the weekend and in the evening.

Just don’t worry. And if your set of friends give you grief, find yourself a new one! I can honestly say that going state has made my privately-educated husband (and his parents!) much nicer people!

Ach screw them OP. Send her somewhere that deserves her x

Neither my sister nor I ever passed any entrance exam to a private school, despite my parents' best efforts.

We "failed" at 3+, 7+ and 11+

Bizarrely, both of us got all As at A Level, went to Oxbridge and my sister has a PhD.