My child didn’t pass the assessment for school- my fault?

[Lostmumof2]

Hi, a bit first world issue, I am very upset my daughter didn’t get into a selective private school at 3+. I just assumed she would (silly I know). I did as much as I could (I think) without pressuring her. I wanted her to get in without too much extra help if she did, but the things they tested on she just isn’t good at atm. If feel worse as she liked that school and a lot of her friends will be going. It is very competitive etc and my daughter is a very capable little girl but just can not colour to save her life!
I have always taught her to think outside the box but clearly this doesn’t help when schools want children that they can mould. Our state options are limited and she is down for another private school but it’s single sex. We also have a younger son, so it would have been very easy for him just to go the that same school etc.
I blame myself and can’t seem to see past the fog of how badley I have failed her and her brother. Both myself and hubby went to state and we are comfortable and the state private affordability is 50/50 as we are self employed so every year is different but I just feel I want a better education for my kids and the opportunity it brings without the glass ceiling. The other co-ed options are very limited and just are not worth the money in my area, so had my hopes on this one. I haven’t said anything to my daughter just that she won’t be going there as mummy and daddy do not like etc which she was confused about and said but no I liked it, which killed me. But it’s hard to hide my feelings from her, I can’t even stop crying, pathetic I know.
Anyone had a similar thing and come out the other side as atm I just can’t, I didn’t thing I would be this upset about it

OP, honestly, and as kindly as possible, you are existing in a bit of a parallel universe - a world where you fear mean gossip about school assessments for tiny, tiny children from the mums at birthday parties, where your heart sinks at your 3yo's colouring in because you know it won't have met the standard', and where you feel it necessary to apply corporate speak to your parenting. There's a whole world out there where these values don't hold sway but happy, successful kids still grow into happy, successful adults. For all your thinking outside the box, you do seem trapped (and in danger of trapping your children) in quite a suffocating one.

I didn’t get into my parents first choice private school for reception, but did get one of the small number of places available for year 1. It was a school that went through to 18, but I left at 11 to go to a more academic private school - the first one seemed to lack ambition and that was pretty obvious to me, even at 9.

My DD now goes to our local state primary and is thriving with the high expectations there. There is always a next step for her.

I imagine that if you socialise within a particular milieu, in which there is a rather febrile atmosphere with everyone fixated on education and ‘not missing the boat’, that it could be easy to find yourself getting sucked into the 'performing seal' madness of it all.

OP, I think you should hold your head up, and if anyone asks, just say that you didn’t in the end feel the school was right for your DD. You decided to find somewhere less regimented for her to suit her free-flowing spirit. Turn it into a positive! And keep in mind that the filter used by the school was an imperfect one and the decision they reached is not indicative of your DD’s potential in the longer term.

These schools want biddable children (and will already know some of the families) so perhaps your DD didn’t fit this requirement? If your style of parenting hasn’t produced this in your DD (and it won’t be a decision based on colouring) then you/she may not have been suited to this school. You are now at a cross roads in terms of preparing her for school and you now know what private schools want. Do you wish to change or not? That would drive my decision regarding schooling.

My DD went to a single sex prep. If that school is a better fit, then consider it. Siblings often don’t go to the same prep schools. Also save the private education for later. My elder DD didn’t go private until 11 and she was perfectly good enough to get in and did very well. Now a barrister. Not all state primary children are low achieving.

I am very interested to know how you teach a 1, 2, 3yo to think outside the box

Don't buy a playpen.

OP, I think it's normal to feel disappointed or upset for something you longed for so strongly. There is no need to hide your feeling. Does the school as other intake age group? e.g., 7+? Maybe you can start looking at those options, and prepare her to enter at a later stage.

Excellent post sirfred! I was wondering about this style of parenting and how a 3 year old “thinks outside the box”. It probably means a parent never saying “no” plus no guidance or boundaries such as those that exist in a box. Utterly pretentious though.

sirfred!

Although I am wondering how to work 'scissor skills' into my next user name ...

More seriously, OP someone made a very pertinent point above - it does seem rather 'first world' to talk about thinking outside the box when you are so very constrained with wanting (your DD) to fit within this very particular social box. You may need to grapple with this if you are ever to be able to explain it to her!

OP, I can empathise. Totally different fact pattern but I’m awake at night fretting about my DD’s eventual school as well. I had put all our eggs in the private basket and have a confirmed place for her at a beautiful, tiny & successful single sex non-selective school. It turns out however that she adores the state school nursery where she is this year. She keeps saying how she wants to go there for ‘big school’ and has made so many friends (of which several are boys). But it is a massively oversubscribed Ofsted 1 London primary where people rent in the adjacent three roads to secure a place. We are on the other side of the village, a good half a mile away. I’m just kicking myself for not having ‘played the game’ better. I do realise that these are first world problems (and there are of course places with our DDs would receive no education at all) but it does feel like a bit of an arms race and despite our best endeavours, things do not always go to plan. Hopefully our girls will settle & thrive wherever they go to school. Good luck.

The posts have at least made me laugh. Thank you wwwmummy and others for the words of support. I am still unsure as what to do but i will speak with the staff at the nursery and the possible schools and make a decision. My husband wants the state option as does not want to commit to the fees but that would have been the case even if DD had got in. I am now undecided so will see what the state lottery gives us. Most of the schools around us have 4+ intake unless a spot comes up further down the line. So it would either be now for private or secondary.
Yes I am very grateful that I am in this position. I come from a working class family and both myself and my husband have worked very hard to get to where we are today. Hence I want the best for my children and give them as much as I can, just like every other parent.

Thank you for your comment Bubblesbuddy but my children have plenty of boundaries and saying no. Plenty of mums come here for advice etc on these assessments so hence I want to talk to people that have gone through it and know how I am feeling, not to have my parenting judged. Our social circle we have state and private children, so its not about being in a certain group its about me wanting the best for my daughter. Like I said being co-ed and a good academic school and not crazy like the super top ones I thought would suit us and my daughter, but clearly it wasn't to be so back to the drawing board.......excuse the pun.

CampariSpritz thank you, at least I am not the only one dealing with the school madness. Same with our local primary, only just make the catchment and it normally is only a few roads its so oversubscribed, hence the private route. We have also a place (fingers crossed) at a great but not as academic single sex school, and again my daughters best friend is a boy who got in. It will mean my son will not be at the same school which is the big thing for me if we go with that private school.

My DD would not have passed that test since I never taught her to colour inside the lines, IMO and I read about it somewhere this can close down an inquisitive mind, it does not aid thinking outside the box!

BTW she’s very good at art/colouring now!

haha @ bonkersblond

This is really sad, she is 3 fgs your heart shouldn’t be sinking when you see she colours outside of the lines. I’m 34 and still go outside of the lines sometimes.

Selecting children age 3 is madness and I would not want to send my child to a place that did that.

Testing a 3 year old for school? What kind of utter nonsense is this? Do you honestly believe that your child will only be successful as an adult if you pay hundreds of thousands of £££s in Fees? How to you explain all the other 90% of the workforce who managed to be successful with free, state education? It's a complete fallacy that a person will get a better job if they are privately educated. The truth is, if their parents are earning enough for private education, they will more than likely do as well career wise having gone through the state system.
Be honest, you're just worried about what the other mothers will say when they know your DD didn't manage to get a place in a selective school.

Hello OP. I don't know the school you mention. I think it's time to start being philosophical about this. I'm getting a sense of anger at the school for not taking your child - it isn't that they have rejected her but rather that another child hit whatever criteria they were looking for on the day. Assessments at three aren't a precise science.

Realistically, if a school is oversubscribed then there will be a few children who won't get in. I've heard heads at other schools say that if they had unlimited space, they would take at least three quarters of the children they see.

She's only three. There will be other schools who'll accept your daughter so don't worry.

This reminds me a of a playgroup I went to when DS was about 3. It was St Georges' Day so the organisers had put out sheets of paper with crosses pre-printed, and the children had red paint to paint the crosses and make English flags.

The playgroup was full of quite pretentious pushy- keen mothers who all sat over their children and loudly parented how well they were painting within the lines.

DS covered the whole sheet of paper with paint, and then proceeded to paint his hands and make prints on the newspaper covering the table.

I suspect that might have been "thinking outside of the box" but whether a selective private school would have taken him is anyone's guess

Can she be on the wait list? Sometimes people move away, after accepted have a change of plans etc. and spaces open up?
Judging by the 3+ threads there isn’t one specific activity that guarantees you a spot for the prep schools.
In my grand daughters group of friends, the parents school choice was not set in stone until much closer to the actual start date.

@ RedSky

If I have the right area for you is Aldenham School too far for you? I know someone who is very happy with it as a very nurturing, inclusive school.

Can you explain how a theee year old thinks outside the box please, OP? I am interested as this is such a management speak term it feels that your child has been curated to be a certain way. What makes her different to other 3 year old children who don’t think outside the box?

So I come on here for support but instead I get ridiculed for how I want to raise my child? That’s the problem with certain parents you just have to judge. I don’t need to justify how I intend or what I do to make them into good adults, and if you have nothing construtive to say then please don’t bother. I am not a corporate cog in the wheel either and nor are my children or will they be (unless they want to)
On the other hand, that I you very much for the support and different suggestions. I am back to my normal self now, just about, and am going to weigh up all our options once we know from other schools and take it from there. We are all trying our best for our kids so let’s not put people down behind the keyboard.

I am sure the OP just meant that she tries to help her child express herself etc. etc. rather than (say) spending hours on end trying to make her color within the lines for a test etc.

I doubt it means anything more sinister than that. Not sure why the phrase seems to nettle some people so much?