My child didn’t pass the assessment for school- my fault?

[Lostmumof2]

Hi, a bit first world issue, I am very upset my daughter didn’t get into a selective private school at 3+. I just assumed she would (silly I know). I did as much as I could (I think) without pressuring her. I wanted her to get in without too much extra help if she did, but the things they tested on she just isn’t good at atm. If feel worse as she liked that school and a lot of her friends will be going. It is very competitive etc and my daughter is a very capable little girl but just can not colour to save her life!
I have always taught her to think outside the box but clearly this doesn’t help when schools want children that they can mould. Our state options are limited and she is down for another private school but it’s single sex. We also have a younger son, so it would have been very easy for him just to go the that same school etc.
I blame myself and can’t seem to see past the fog of how badley I have failed her and her brother. Both myself and hubby went to state and we are comfortable and the state private affordability is 50/50 as we are self employed so every year is different but I just feel I want a better education for my kids and the opportunity it brings without the glass ceiling. The other co-ed options are very limited and just are not worth the money in my area, so had my hopes on this one. I haven’t said anything to my daughter just that she won’t be going there as mummy and daddy do not like etc which she was confused about and said but no I liked it, which killed me. But it’s hard to hide my feelings from her, I can’t even stop crying, pathetic I know.
Anyone had a similar thing and come out the other side as atm I just can’t, I didn’t thing I would be this upset about it

If she didn't "pass" then it is not the right school for her. It's as simple as that really.

There are so many options anyway as if you still want private school in the future there will be different entry points.

I'm not sure a highly competitive private school is really the right type of education for your family if colouring in at age 3 has been turned into a stressful experience because of it.
I'm not at all keen on selection so young or these type of entry processes, so I am probably biased. However, it sounds like a more open and nurturing school would be a better fit.
Are there really no suitable options, even if you travel a bit further? Perhaps you could name your general area and others make suggestions.

Who's criticizes you? Is it ever helpful? You might do best for your child if you spend less time with those people. Even if they are family if the fail the filter of ' would I tolerate this from my friends?' reduce your time with them.

Do you actually pay fees for these schools? Bloody ridiculous testing a 3 year old - I’m Boogle eyed!
Please save your money or send it to me.😇
Let your child have a happy childhood - they only get one.
Don’t conform to the pressure around you. I’m sure there are lots of lovely little schools in your area.
I could not stand to live in an area where this was the be all and end all of life. I’d move.
Relax and have fun with her.

Mad, mad, mad ... my DS was "below expected standard" for scissor skills in reception and I was distraught. Still with us, still can't cut out but doing a PhD. There really are more important things. And I wouldn't want to go to a school that judges on such things.

Whilst I understand your upset op, it's worth noting that the majority of children in the U.K. attend state primary schools and do not have a choice of state V private.

I would love nothing more to be able to send my 7yr old dd to a selective school. She is extremely bright but it's never going to be an option for us so what we do ( like most other parents ) is support the school, help with homework when needed, offer extra curricular activities and days out that dd likes. All of these things make a difference.

You can have parents of a child at a selective school who don't engage at all, who simply pay the fees and expect the school to do everything.

Children who have interested parents will do well wherever they go. Why not look at schools for juniors instead? Or even secondary?

My dd attends a lovely school that is not very good on paper but the pastoral care is outstanding. More than that, she is happy.
Counts for an awful lot.

This isn't the end of the world. At 3, your dd isn't ready for all of this. Let her blossom inn her own time and all will fall into place.

I don't think I'd want to send a child to a school which appears not to understand that at that age children vary so much in what they can do. My 4yo has a vocabulary and understanding of the world well above his years but has absolutely no skill at colouring in or drawing (and no interest in trying). Over time they all even up and become more rounded

I teach this age group and frankly I am horrified that a school would test a 3 year old on the standard of their colouring in. Your standards of independent thinking and having a voice are far more valuable. Find a school that fits your way of thinking. You will all be far happier.

The most important things you can teach your DCs (and maybe brush up your own) are self-esteem and resilience. To believe they are worthy, that their lives have value, that they can cope with disappointment, learn from it and move forward. All much more important than colouring between the lines as a toddler.

I wouldn't want to send my child to a school where they based ability judgements on colouring to be honest. Both my DC are very able at the moment, but neither clicked with colouring until way past 4.

Both at state primary too - with the new 'Gove' national curriculum there isn't much difference nowadays - they'll get spellings and multiplications from the word go just like private school.

I must say guys, thank you. This is the most support I have had in a long time. Critics are the usual family etc. School was Manor Lodge, not the most super duper and wasn’t perfect but I would have worked for us as a family. They have roughly about a third sibling intake (60 places total) and I did see a few in her assessment slot that did not settle but they will get a place because of siblings etc. I have been working on her confidence to get her to even go with a stranger etc which she was completely fine with and happy. I didn’t put in for anymore assessment based ones as I just didn’t want her to go through it and they were not as good. I knew it was competitive but I thought she would be ok, great at role play, advanced speech etc etc. She is a March baby so not 4 yet. I’m not a tiger mum but I do want the best for her as any parent, I just can’t believe how this makes you feel. If I was reading this I would say get a grip she is three. The state options we are in an ouststanding school catchment (only just) so again it’s a lottery as they have a high sibling intake and hasn’t been that great the past few years. She is on the waiting list for Stormont, and highly likely to get a place as we are first. Most have now done the assessments that are close to us so not a lot of movement and I just didn’t like them as much.
Everything makes sence that you are all saying and is right but hasn’t stopped me feeling like failure. Hence the first world problem bit, but thank you.

The colouring in bit, I saw the sheet as she brought it home and to be honest my heart sank and pretty much knew from there. They did other things too, climbing, catching a ball, play doh etc which I don’t know it went there. So she probably had a day where she couldn’t do any of it! But she came out happy, it’s not the school I think they all pretty much test like that or more intense if anything. I just feel her full potential wasn’t shown, hence my disappointment in the whole situation. They give no feedback etc so she didn’t fit right now.

I'm not convinced that a school that is so selective at age 3 is at all good for a child. Until at least age 8/9 the best education takes a child-centred approach where different learning speeds and styles are accepted, and kids can learn that everyone has different skills and strengths and weaknesses. Putting them in an artificial environment where everyone meets an ideal standard deprives them of important social development opportunities.

I think you dodged a bullet and this child wouldn't have been happy there. Imagine if she had just scraped in a the lowest scoring qualifier, and then spent the next 8 years labelled as "worst in the class" for drawing/pen skills/writing. That could scar her confidence for life, just because her fine-motor-control is emerging at a slightly different pace to other skills. She could end up brilliant at art once her muscular control catches up.

Far better to let her start in a non-selective school and allow her the freedom to be who she is, not pressured to perform in a specific way. As and when her strengths begin to emerge you can find the right school for her later on down the line.

The children who are ‘successful’ –in the sense of getting places at selective schools - at this early stage aren’t necessarily the brightest. What they are is biddable and receptive to following instructions.

You might be interested in this graph, which shows the development of the cerebral cortex as a function of age. Note that in the early years the cortex is thinner in the most able children. It has been speculated that this might lead to such children coming across as less mature for their age. (Impulse control and moderating social behaviour, for example, correlate with thickness of the prefrontal cortex.) As a consequence, a moderately bright child may come across as more prepossessing than an extremely bright child in the early years, particularly on cursory inspection.

blogs.edweek.org/teachers/unwrapping_the_gifted/2010/02/what_brain_imaging_shows_us_ab.html

**Imagine if she had just scraped in a the lowest scoring qualifier, and then spent the next 8 years labelled as "worst in the class" for drawing/pen skills/writing. That could scar her confidence for life,

You are completely right, it’s so competitive that nearly all the children are tutored (which I found most private schools that’s the case, so what’s the point!) I don’t want to ever feel inferior. We have parties at the weekend so I just hope the kids do not go on about it. I know the mums will

Tutoring 3 year olds is just ridiculous!

Thank you outwiththeoutcrowd, I have no dout my daughter is bright. She has more worldly knowledge then a lot of children and is very logical and practical. She is smart cookie but just taking her time in certain areas. They all catch up in the end, I wish it wasn’t so brutal early on and I certainly was not prepared for it!

I am very interested to know how you teach a 1, 2, 3yo to think outside the box.

I chose my dcs schools and then told them where they were going at that age. They are too young to have any input or knowledge. Fair enough when they are older.
Just tell her it’s your decision and you’ve chosen somewhere else - or does she already know it’s up to them, in which case pressure has already been put on her.

@haba it’s not necessarily teaching, but encouraging her to think more about things rather then what is just told to her and how she feels about them rather then what she is told to feel. Maybe I used the wrong wording or that’s what every parents does anyway but I just don’t want her to be a robot. I know many friends that are super intelligent but wouldn’t know how to deal with real world situations. I am very practical (apart from this situation) so I want her to be the same strong minded indervidual that can see all aspects of a situation. Who’s knows we are all doing this the first time

No I haven’t told her what the assessment was for just for big school and you have to take part. Which she did. Although she knows the name of school etc

Struggling with a child having worldly knowledge at the age of three, what does that even mean?

A bit weirded out about a three year old having to do a colouring test to get in to a school. Am I missing something?

OP, don’t put yourself under so much pressure. I don’t think I’d want my child to go to any school that “assesses” children at 3.

Find her a lovely relaxed mixed intake school and think again at 8 when you can see her aptitudes. If you save up the fees you would have been spending, you will have a wider choice at prep school age, if you still want to go private.

Also luck plays a part. Also my daughters for fun had a go at each other's school entrance at 11+(Haberdashers and North London CS) and neither got in to the other's school then either. It hasn't mattered at all except for different sports days etc. Also I don't agree they always just want the most compliant at age 3. My sitting down for ages able to read 4 year old didn't get in at 5 but her very lively, talks all the time never sits still older sister did and the schools say they like a mixture of loud and quiet children to get a balance in a class so I doubt either personality holds you back although someone coming in thumping everyone is not going to do well.

I just scanned my diary about child 1's entrance this week and she (at 4) went in to the interview sucking her fingers and also had an awful cold and came out saying she could not pick up a name card with her first name on (although she did pick one up which had the first letter of her name on) and yet she got in so it can be hard to tell. She also at that age did not get into a school her younger sister got in to about a year later.

Just keep positive and she can try somewhere else. if you want a selective school at 4+ perhaps look further afield. Our first took a school coach from age 5 for example and that worked out fine.

I live near both the schools you are talking about and I wouldn't bother sending mine to either. My DC are grown-up now, state school through and through, and I assure you the whole lot of them, private or state, have ended up in pretty decent places, the state ones with a lot of money saved in the bank. Are you sure there's no decent state primary near you? I didn't there were any bad ones in this area ... save your money and do nice things with her (like colouring in!)