At a loss re: sons behaviour and how to proceed

[thewayoftheplatypus]

My son is 5 and has just entered year 1. For 2 days this week he has been on the red traffic light. On the first day he went onto the red traffic light for saying ‘yay’ and cheering when the teacher was explaining the schools new punishment code. (Two red warnings led to behavioural report. Two behavioural report led to suspension) and he cheered at the idea of the day off. The teacher called this ‘blantent disregard for and lack of respect for authority’.

We supported the school, of course, and at home he lost his TV/screen time privaleges for this.

Today he went on the red spot again because whilst playing a war game at lunch time he told one of the boys on ‘his team’ to hit a child on the other team and the boy did. Obviously this was unacceptable, but I think it was important that it was within the context of a game, rather than bullying etc

2 red spots leads to a behavioural report. This means he has to report to the headmaster everyday and spend all of his lunch and break times sitting outside of his office for a week. Whilst I support the school and agree that he should be punished, this seems excessive.

He is only 5 years old and a very active boy. I can’t see how not letting him run around/run his energy off is going to improve his behaviour in the classroom.

But I’m not really sure how to proceed. I don’t want to be ‘that mum’ who runs up to school to defend bad behaviour. But equally I know my son, and I know sitting in all week is only going to make his classroom behaviour worse.

Of course we have talked about classroom behaviour at home a lot, and he is being punished at home for his behaviour too. (No screen time or extra curricular activities for the week that the behavioural report lasts)

Should I tell the school I think the punishment is excessive and unhelpful? Will this achieve anything? Or shall I just suck it up? He is my first born and it’s the first time he’s been in any real trouble, so I’m at a loss really!

You put a punishment in place for that long with a child that age they are never ever going to remember what the fuck the punishment is FOR by the end of the week!

I remember being at primary and being a low-level annoying child (fairly honest assessment of it - I had opinions, I had minimal "off" button for them at times and I got into bother because of it - fair cop on that part). Because of something or other that won't have been actually that bad - I struggled socially anyway so tended to keep myself to myself at playtime - the Head (hated me anyway - I was the child of a working single, not Catholic, mother so that was three strikes on my part before I even opened my mouth to get myself into trouble) decided that I should lose my playtimes indefinitely. I had to spend every bloody playtime dusting every individual book on the school reading scheme bookshelves - for weeks until my mum found out about this and requested a meeting with the school. To this day - I have absolutely no bloody clue what the hell I had done or said to warrant this (like I say - I was a low level annoying kid who needed sitting on a bit and a bit of understanding and I was fine) and I just remember being told I was to go along to the Head's office and I was to go there every playtime... and I just went. Hated it and had no idea of why I was being expected to do it - but you just didn't argue.

Did absolute wonders for me struggling socially already - marked me out as the kid not allowed on the playground and meant I missed out on all that commonality of school experience (although I did dodge the lukewarm boak-inducing school milk as a result till Thatcher snatched it )

I’m a teacher. Move schools. Either the behaviour system is draconian or he has particular behavioural difficulties. Whichever it is, he won’t be best served at that school. I’ve seen children start ‘playing to the typecast’ so often in these sorts of over-disciplining schools. Is it an academy OP? Move schools

Agree with the above. Is this a private school?

She’s said several times it’s a state school. Most bootcamp schools are.

Oh hang on - apologies Forty - it was another thread with stupid rules where the OP had said it was a state school several times. I mixed them up. Headteacher’s office for me!

Teaching here for over 30 years and shocked at the level of punishment for a 5 year old. Here they only start at 5 and children have to learn the way to behave in school so a strict correction would be fine. I would even find that extreme for an older child. Poor lad.

I think a single detention per incident would be a proportionate response. People who shout out stuff when a teacher is talking are really annoying so it should be nipped in the bud.

I think the single “Yay” comment wasn’t really worth much attention from the teacher. When it was followed up, I can see why that might be a “be quiet x please” from the teacher. I think using time out strategies for boisterous comments is a bit ott. If there was a lot more interruption, then that’s different. If the behaviour Policy is new, have you seen it? Has the school had problems implementing it? Both my DDs had a class “wag”. At Harvest Festival in the Church one boy yelled out “Pineapples!” when asked what vegetables the children had in their gardeners! Everyone laughed. He followed it up with “Melons”. Did it matter? Of course not. This sounds like a miserable school to me.

That seems hugely OTT. Keeping a kid in at playtime all week is so detrimental, especially at that age. He's still learning impulse control and what's acceptable or not. He's going to end up hating school and being more miserable if this carries on.

I think you shouldn't punish him at home either. Otherwise he's being punished twice, harshly? That's extremely unfair.

I would honestly look at moving schools. This sounds ridiculously draconian. At my children’s school for bad behaviour they get put on Amber, I think hitting is an imediate red. Amber is just a warning. If they get put on red they miss 5 minutes of play and a note is sent home. It seems to work pretty well.

If exercise helps him settle can you build in some for him before school?

I second what GeorgeTheHippo says OP. I have a very energetic DS. When he was your son's age he was in trouble a lot (our school has a similar 'traffic light' system and he seemed to be always on red/in the Head's office). The thing that really settled him down was joining a football club. In fact we saw such a swift improvement in his ability to focus at school and do what was required, it seemed like a miracle. He is just a really sporty, energetic child and unless that energy finds a positive outlet, it spills out and becomes a problem. His coaches are also great role models for him.

Let the school handle behaviour there. I would talk to him about his behaviour and discuss what he could do differently as situations arise, but I would not punish at home unless he has hurt someone.

There may well have been a lot of other behaviour before the actual warnings were issued. I would leave the school to deal with it. It's great you are supporting them.

Some children (OP not saying this is you because you support the school) misbehave knowing it doesn't matter as their parents will come into school to complain about there being any sanctions for the behaviour.

Low level disruption can be really bad for the whole classes learning. Often a child can repeatedly disrupt with small things - calling out, back chat, tapping/banging, wandering around etc enough to really wind up the teacher and the rest of the class. When the actual warning or behaviour card comes it might not look like much as an incident in itself but it might be the tip of the iceberg of disruptive or mean behaviour.

Today he went on the red spot again because whilst playing a war game at lunch time he told one of the boys on ‘his team’ to hit a child on the other team and the boy did. Obviously this was unacceptable, but I think it was important that it was within the context of a game, rather than bullying etc

Just a view from 'the other side'- my son is the one that has been hit (continually) in this situation- directed by the same child (or done personally). But as its normally in the context of a 'game'- apparently its not bullying- but rather than the perpetrator has a 'strong' personality and is energetic. Oh and his mother doesn't see it either.

I wish my son was at your school. Its appalling for the child (or children) on the receiving end and disruptive for the whole class too.