I'm Officially the craziest, stupidest mum ever

[Beba11]

Right...so I've been battling over two different primary schools since January. I have written several posts about this dilemma. I just want confirmation that I am seriously messed up and no one has ever done this except me...?!
So for the on time applications in January I was back and forth with these two schools (A&B). Boys are in school A nursery. At 10pm I put school B as their choice. As soon as I did this I panicked and changed it back to school A, just minutes before the deadline. The next day I regretted it and wondered why I didn't chose school B. So I did a late application and prayed for months I'd get school B. In May we got an offer for school B. I hesitated and couldn't decide. After accepting, a few hours later I got in a panic, called admissions and asked them to inform the acceptance as I was in tears and they agreed so I was back on school A. I was fine for a few days and the. I was like 'what have I done'? So I put myself back in the waiting list after a week or rejecting it. About a month late run July we got an offer again for school B. I rejected it again. I left it over August as felt better about the whole thing but them suddenly in August I wanted school B again and put us back In the list. Now we have another offer and I am unsure whether to accept. What does this mean? When I don't have school B I put myself in the waiting list, but when it comes I don't want it anymore. Am I scared to change? On four occasions I had the chance to change schools and I didn't. Is this just a fear of change or a gut instinct or am I just a complete idiot?!

Morning Beba11. As someone said earlier, you've made your choice, so leave School B alone now. It matters not whether they know its you or whether they think anyone is mad. School A is all you need to be concerned with. Hope they (and you) enjoy school, you have made a great choice :)

It is the council, yes, the schools won't know.

It doesn’t matter which is the best or worst school. It matters which is the best **for your children - taking all circumstances into account - and your husband thinks that’s school A

I think school b probably have access to the waiting list names but I doubt they have really analysed it enough to notIce your craziness! Both my dd’s potential schools know I’m crazy as I keep going on tours.

You should watch The Good Place on Netflix. There’s a guy in it who can’t ever make a decision and it doesn’t end well for him. It might help you see how ridiculous this all is.
There’s probably a reason you labelled school A as A, I would guess you subconsciously prefer it.

Beba- I'm wondering what strategies or coping mechanisms you are learning from counselling which you could apply in this situation?

I think anyone with such an indecisive personality may as wel “Ip Dip Do” as they will never think they have made the right decision. I am sure they are in school now and loving it.

...anxiety is terrible. It comes to a point where for 5 mins I feel good about it and then the next 5 mins in complete anxiety and then back to normal 5 mins later and so on... It is a terrible thing to have...

So what you need to tell yourself when you get this feeling and you start obsessing is:
"This is not about the schools. I would be equally anxious about choosing anything else. Both schools are fine. The decision about the school is made. I am happy to have the decision behind me. The DCs are happy and excited. I can move forward."

I suffer from this kind of indecision that is linked to anxiety too. Once I've made a decision I make a list of positives and read it every day to affirm that my decision was ok. If any negatives come into my mind I picture a huge red "stop" sign and focus on that. It's a CBT technique and it works well for me now, but it takes practise to make it effective. Might be worth a try.

Thanks, I will try that. So far when I am having doubts I just say it was my husbands final decision, and already I feel a bit better. However, I don't think shifting responsibility helps long term as what if I was a single parent. I would have to deal with these things. So I will definitely try all the recommended techniques. Thank you all so much, I am overwhelmed by all your responses, positive and negative.

Stop thinking about it. Say to your self "My children are going to A - it is going to be a great school". Let yourself enjoy this moment - get excited. Take snaps in the new uniform. Show them the website. And keep saying it to yourself.

However, I don't think shifting responsibility helps long term as what if I was a single parent.

You remind yourself that you are not a single parent.

You say 'There would be many drawbacks to that situation. But of course I am not a single parent. I have dear 'Nigel' here and he is wonderfully sensible. I am grateful for the present, for this day, for 'Nigel' and I will live in the moment.'

Yes you sound like you're putting way too much thought into this. Maybe you have other anxieties going on in the background and you're projecting all your worries into this not very important decision? To be honest, if you've got a choice of two good primary schools it's a win-win situation. Just stick with one at random and save the fretting for the transition to secondary. And get some counselling in the meantime to help you with managing your anxiety.

I get where you are at . My Ds has sen’s and started high school this week . I had huge anxiety dreams last week .
I very much worried his needs wouldn’t be met . I had a few other concerns. However I had concerns about other schools too.

What I did differently to you though was didn’t change my mind . It is best guess what works for our children and secondly kept my anxiety away from him. I talked about a great new adventure, a whole new group of friends to make etc.

He had a good first week . We did have an issue that was going important and has now been resolved.

So it’s important you know that there may be issues along the way that is not going to matter so long as schools can resolve them.

I do this as a Lp. I will say there are a couple of times I have felt decisions are overwhelming but as I say we are not psychic we can do is best guess.

I would now stop thinking about school B . Change the question in your head . How are we going to prepare dc for a happy start Monday . Fake your excitement

Another way to think about is that you have twins. Whilst it’s nice for them to be together when they’re little it’s much better for them to be in a bigger school when they’re older so they have a chance to spread their wings a bit. So for another reason school A is the right one

@Amaaboutthis that's a great way of looking at it, Thanks 🙏

How did the first day go OP?

@Fairgroundtoast Thanks for asking. On Friday I felt good and fine about it but today I felt nervous and had doubts especially when I saw some children in the uniforms of the other school. It made me feel like 'why isn't my school good enough for them?' I know it sounds ridiculous but what if I have doubts for months like this. What do I do?

My dd started yesterday and I get the same pangs when I see the other school uniform. I kind of made the opposite choice to you in that I switched to the school where she wouldn’t be with her nursery friends because I thought it was slightly better - and I am finding it hard. So I think you and I would both have had worries whichever way we’d gone. I’m trying to take it one day at a time and be grateful for each good thing that happens. For example yesterday I thought ‘she enjoyed her first day. At the other school she might have hated her first day’. I might even start keeping a diary of all the positives to look at when I get stressed.

OP you might have doubts for a while. It's an important decision and I'm sure lots of parents have 'what if' thoughts but you need to focus on making sure that you DC has a great start at this school. Join in with the pta, encourage playmates etc. Talk positively about your chosen school to your DC. You went with you gut (in the end!) And that's usually the right choice.

I was a reception teacher for years in a busy urban area with lots of good schools in the proximity so it sounds similar to where you are. Maybe I can give some insight into your fear of the school ‘judging’ you. It’s very unlikely the teachers in either will know about all the changes - they will have a class list that they were probably given at the end of last term - so they can start making name badges, labelling books etc etc - but there are always tonnes of changes in popular schools as everyone scrambles for places everywhere, and they won’t have been issued continuously updated class lists over summer, they’ll just get given a new one at the start of the term reflecting the current cohort.

I can’t comment on how much the office admissions staff would have known/seen of the changes but remember there are ALWAYS people declining places, then new kids come onto the roll, it’s very unlikely they would focus in on your kids’ names.

I know it sounds ridiculous but what if I have doubts for months like this. What do I do?

Now you are really getting ahead of yourself.

If you are worried about being worried, then you need more help than you are getting right now, because this is completely out of hand.

I'm already seeing a counselor, having CBT, on propranolol for anxiety but nothing is helping.

Go to your GP and show him or her this thread. Show it to your counselor too and also the CBT person if other than the counselor,

Please ask for any alternatives to your medication, or a different dosage, and alternative strategies.

As you couldn't decide i think it was right that their other parent who has equal say should choose. I had three secondary schools i liked equally. My dh and dd preferred one of them so we went with that.

They are at school A now and I agree as they are twins better to be in a bigger school so they have more of a chance as making individual and separate friendships etc.

Now put B out of your mind. Maybe join the PTA and become fully immersed in becoming a part of the school community , that way you will feel part of that school too.

I get that you want the best for your child. We changed our secondary age child's school at year 9. There were a few hiccups but the fact was it was best for him.

Keep telling yourself it is for their benefit. Hope it is still going well.