I'm Officially the craziest, stupidest mum ever

[Beba11]

Right...so I've been battling over two different primary schools since January. I have written several posts about this dilemma. I just want confirmation that I am seriously messed up and no one has ever done this except me...?!
So for the on time applications in January I was back and forth with these two schools (A&B). Boys are in school A nursery. At 10pm I put school B as their choice. As soon as I did this I panicked and changed it back to school A, just minutes before the deadline. The next day I regretted it and wondered why I didn't chose school B. So I did a late application and prayed for months I'd get school B. In May we got an offer for school B. I hesitated and couldn't decide. After accepting, a few hours later I got in a panic, called admissions and asked them to inform the acceptance as I was in tears and they agreed so I was back on school A. I was fine for a few days and the. I was like 'what have I done'? So I put myself back in the waiting list after a week or rejecting it. About a month late run July we got an offer again for school B. I rejected it again. I left it over August as felt better about the whole thing but them suddenly in August I wanted school B again and put us back In the list. Now we have another offer and I am unsure whether to accept. What does this mean? When I don't have school B I put myself in the waiting list, but when it comes I don't want it anymore. Am I scared to change? On four occasions I had the chance to change schools and I didn't. Is this just a fear of change or a gut instinct or am I just a complete idiot?!

Don't look at it as "giving school A a chance", that sounds like you are already preparing to move them at the slightest hiccup. Please don't, you will unsettle them and make them anxious purely to ease your own anxiety. They are going to school A. Forget school B and stop messing around

Close your eyes. Which school do you see them in when you think about them at school.

Pick that one and stick to it.

(And I speak as someone who did do all the induction stuff for a school with DD2 and then change the school choice but there were real problematic issues arising with DD1 within the school and I KNEW I needed them the hell out of there)

Ok stick with school A.

Your boys go to Nursery there, will benefit from a familiar environment and friends.

Also you’ve had several chances to switch to B and clearly your gut instinct is A.

Also - school B may well think you’re a lunatic at this stage as you keep asking for it then changing your mind.

But yes as others have said you need to get a grip on this, it’s not healthy or normal at all to be in this much of a flap about iyX

Sorry Cross post. Think you’ve made the right choice.

You aren't 'giving school A a chance'. They are going to school A. That is their school now. They will settle and make friends and the teachers will get to know them and they will be happy.

You need to concentrate on preparing your little one. I hope none of these switches or concerns have been verbalised. Your child needs security, confidence and an ‘it’ll all work out in the wash attitude’.

It is a big decision. If you have anxiety, I can see how you torture yourself, agonising over which choice to make.
I think it's a sign that either school would be good. There would be no agony if one school wasn't good enough. So, talk through with a person whose opinion you respect ( their father????) and make that decision TOGETHER. Then it's not just your decision and you don't feel the weight of responsibility.
Either school will be good. You just have to make the best choice with the info you have available at the time.
I have a dear friend with anxiety who agonises like this over every decision large and small. I have witnessed her in distress over whether to give her children green or red grapes. Anxiety is real and very debilitating.

Thank you again. Yes, anxiety is terrible. It comes to a point where for 5 mins I feel good about it and then the next 5 mins in complete anxiety and then back to normal 5 mins later and so on... It is a terrible thing to have and when I feel anxious I just feel that DH made the decision and that makes me feel better already. Just to give an idea of my mental health, my counsellor already knows that I have had thoughts about self harming/suicidal thoughts just so I can avoid decision making...that's an idea of how bad I am. Also, admissions know about this so I don't know how involved they can be in stopping it.

I think school A is definitely the best choice.

I also think you need to ask your DH to shoulder some of these bigger decisions and support you and not enable you to chop and change like you have.

I don’t have anxiety but I do get overwhelmed sometimes and DH does step in and say “look this is the best thing to do” and makes the decision for me. It’s better for us!

I’m surprised your DH didn’t step in and make the decision sooner actually, knowing your problems with anxiety and decision making.

I think there was a major problem with either of the schools your decisiom would have been easy so the fact you are so indecisive says they will both be absolutely fine. Stick with a

The fact that you’re agonising so much tells me that they’re both good schools and your DC will do well at either. So please reassure yourself that this is so hard because either school would be good!

As PP said, don’t look at it as “giving school A a chance”. You’ve decided, they’re going to school A and that is that.

Well done op.

I was quite harsh on you earlier and for that I apologise. I too have anxiety aswell as OCD so I should understand. I just couldn't keep up with all of your changing to A and B and could sense your frustration.

Time to big up school A and get excited! Let them see you excited!
You have made the right decision for your family. And that's all there is to it.

Please look up Michael Sealey on YouTube. He does a lot of meditation/hypnotherapy and mindfulness for anxiety and I have found it hugely beneficial.

well done for finally making a decision. VERY hard for people who haven't been caught up in a cycle of anxiety to understand. Can I suggest you look up the Thrive Programme by Rob Kelly as I think it might help you. I found CBT etc utterly useless but the Thrive programme, whilst not curing me of my emetophobia yet, has really helped me get a grip on other things. I do agree with the comment about getting a job. I think whilst life is stupidly busy with young children your world revolves entirely about them, you never get to think about anything else. Working, even just a few hours, gives you a focus on something else, you have to block them out a bit, it might really do you some good. And yes people commenting some people are harsh by saying snap out of it but in reality if everyone sympathises all the time then it reinforces your behaviour and doesn't help in the long run. Harsh but true. The Thrive programme calls them "significant others". Really seriously look it up and maybe contact Rob by email. I met him a few years ago and he has seen some amazing results with the programme. I am not associated with it in anyway I just genuinely think it could help so many people.

Thank you for all the recommendations. Will definitely look them up. As said, I really do not mind the harsh comments. I totally agree that it is needed. If all the comments had been "oh don't worry I've done this thing too" then I would think my behaviour was normal. When I saw all comments telling me how ludicrous I was being, my only thoughts were 'wow, I really need help'. I was not offended at all, it was a huge wake up call. Amazingly...I do work. Four days a week. At work I am a totally different person. I am very happy, social and outgoing. I love going to work and when I am there I forget a lot of my issues. With the children, I am slightly obsessed. I feel guilty all the time and this is probably what the whole school issue boils down to. It is something I have been obsessed with since their birth. Not healthy at all.

You have my sympathy. I did a very similar thing when I had to choose a new school for DS. In the end the decision was taken out of my hands because DS wanted to stick with school A. Of course I spent the first few weeks feeling like it was the wrong school but really happy with it now. I hope you find some peace with it soon. It's a very anxious time and I don't think your feelings are unusual.

Thank you. I hope I do too. I don't want to look back on their childhood being worried about schools. I want to be happy with my children and give them happiness. I always think my decisions will determine their success or failure. I carry huge guilt around with me

OP I could basically have written your post myself - you are not the only one that has done this. Also had to make my final final final final decision today after dithering since January. And I already know I’ll feel awful about it tomorrow when it becomes irreversible. I didnt even have any mental health issues until this came up! Hope we will both feel better when they start. Best of luck!

@Rudolphtherednose oh wow, makes me feel a bit more normal (not that I would wish this on anyone!) I feel much better in terms of the decision has gone and I can carry on doing things. For the last week I couldn't even do housework as the decision making process consumed me. The worse thing is that I cried in front of my boys so they saw my weakness and indecisiveness. Only when I was at work I was distracted. Now the decision is made, I am more relaxed in terms of I feel I can do things again as the deadline is gone but also I still feel anxious and am questioning whether I did the right thing. I don't know if that feeling will ever go away and that scares me. Tbh I didn't realise the extent of my mental health issues until January too but since having counselling I know this stems from issues way before. For me, what works is the way my DH approached this. He said very casually 'let's do what works for us now, as now is all we know about. Let's keep them where they are and if in the future we want to move them, we can try'. I know some would criticise saying this isn't a good approach but I need flexibility and having doors shut (psychologically scares me). If DH had said 'we choose now and that's it for 7 years no changing!' That would have tipped me over the edge

My dh says he’s 100% sure either choice would be fine! Totally understand about needing to keep the other option open - everyone says you should just pick one and stick with it, and they are completely right, but whenever I tried to do that I just felt so unhappy that I felt compelled to re-open the other door (aka go back on the waiting list) as I thought I’d go mad otherwise! But I do think we both need to really try and get behind the school we have chosen.

Ps I’ve also been letting the housework suffer - and crying every day (but hoping dd hasn’t noticed that).

Sounds like you’re talking about 2 schools near me. Are you just outside of West London?

Omg love you sound like a bloody nightmare 🙈😂 I’d love to see what you’re like at a restaurant

@mishfish No not West London but not far off. Where are you? Tbh feel weird to say where I am considering what I'm writing about. Would be so embarrassed if anyone knew me after reading this.
I've just woken up and am in complete anxiety. My heart beating fast and wondering if I made the right choice. Feeling terribly guilty that I chose the worst school. 😭 I hate this so much.

@Rudolphtherednose that's really strange how we have been acting the same. What's been your dilemma with both?
On another note, if someone can explain, I am a bit worried about what some have said about school B thinking I'm crazy. Correct me if I'm wrong but I assumed the school have no idea who are being offered places until you accept an offer? I know council only deal with waiting lists and send out offer letters, so why would the school think I'm mad when they don't even know who has been offered?