Sensitive children / sensitive mums

[Boco]

Since dd1 started school i'm finding it all emotionally really tough. She's very sensitive, and a worrier. She takes things to heart, gets upset, dwells on things and often cries over things that have happened.

Every night it's something. Usually being left on her own at lunch time. She's so so quiet and shy - she seems to have lots of friends, but at school she clams up and goes silent. At home she's so articulate and funny and clever, it really gets to me that school don't get to see that.

Tomorrow is another disappointment for her - they have a party table, and her friends are going to be sitting on it having a birthday lunch, and she'll be on her own.

She started school with her cousin - who she was always best friends with, but they've become really competitive and argumentative now, its just made things even worse.

I don't want to project my own worry or be overprotective, how do you go about building confidence or overcoming shyness?

Maybe she's fine, but just letting out her tiredness and worries at the end of the day, or maybe she's miserable at school, i just don't know.

How on earth do you toughen up?

Playdates Boco

lots of them

make her life a social whirl

when she comes home with a buddy (never do 3 kids .. bad dynamic) then she'll just play and form closer and closer bonds .. you may also get the chance to meet the kids and their parents

oh and children only remember the 3 mins they were unhappy in a day filled with glee .. you need to talk to teachers and tell them your concerns and ask them to keep an eye out and report

ask school if they can appoint a mentor (another student?) to be her friend and keep a special eye out

I'm not sure Boco, I really don't know, but I will be watching this thread... My DS is just like your DD, I can believe the difference between school and home.

Sometimes I wonder if the problem is that he is so used to deal with adults that finds it difficult to communicate with children. (He is an only child whose parents don't know many people with children or very sociable themselves! )

Dont ask me. I am terrible and a massive softy. I think I have toughend up as she has got older - I am certainly more 'brisk' with dd2 and dd3.

I really do think they open up to you more. I have found myself AGONISING over things that dd1 has told me when she is fine - she uses me as an emotional dumping ground, which I have become used to.

why can she not be on the birthday table - hold on they have a aprty table at school???

oh and dd1 was like this but had a brilliant reception teacher who saw through it and saw how fab she was at taking responsiblity, looking after younger ones (once she was in yaer 1) and drawing .

Agree with Twigglet about the student mentor, they did this in DS's school and certainly helped... problem now is that if the mentor is not in the school he doesn't talk to anyone else!

You have to be a bit brisk boco, dont take everythign on board. I have learned to brush away most things and if dd1 comes back for more I nkow it is serious

Whats the party table? Surely the school should avoid situations that encourage some kids to be left out?

yes it sounds stupid

I did talk to the teacher - got her a lunch time buddy, but it only lasted a couple of days as the buddy got bored. dd is a very slow eater - taken to halving her lunch now!

Invited 12 little girls for her birthday, which was fine - but she actually asked if she could play on her bike as there were too many people to play with and she'd rather go it alone! Can see this is probably what happens at school. One to one she's great, but add a few more and she gets intimidated.

You're right about the 3mins of misery thing. She'll sob about something quite small, when i'm sure she's done lots of lovely things too. When i went into school with her loads of people were running up to her saying hello - she just looks pained and silent. I've never been like this, i don't understand it or how to help her come out of it.

It's awful, isn't it Boco? Really drags me down too. Have you spoken to the teacher? She may have a completely different picture of your dd at school or some good advice for you.

The birthday table is pure evil!

A child can pick 10 friends to have on a special table - the parent pays for them all to have lunch. All the other uninvited children sit on the other tables watching and feeling left out. How mean is that!

Boco - dd1 clung to my leg in the playground until the end of year 1

She is 7.5 and this morning was the first morning i have EVER been able to leave her in the playground before the bell rang

have you seen the Hightly sensitve child website?

fuck me boco that is sick

I would complain HEAVILY

can you move her - can you (shock) go private? smaller class sizes etc?

here

agree about encouraging one to one

I would personally complain to school about the birthday day its divisive and badly conceived

again I stress .. one to one playdates in your house .. you know it makes sense

many children don't like big groups (I'm an adult and I much prefer small and intimate)

I would complain about the party table thing.

I do try to be brisk. But then i also try to solve everything and make it alright - which i have a feeling i won't be able to do. Is it pfb syndrome?

dd2 is the most confident, talkative cheeky child who will approach anyone and climb onto their knee.

hell's bells re the party table! what a good idea - NOT.

They make money out of it - greedy bastards!

Thanks for that website - will go adn read that.

Playdates definitely good twig you're right - had a few and she's been fine - they play, have fun, but as soon as she enters school she freezes and becomes mute, even around the children she's previously been having a great time with.

I hope its something that's grown out of!

boco dd1 and dd2 are the same

the upside of having a dd1 like that is that when she grows older (dd1 now 7.5) she will be incredibly helpfual and thoughtful. Sport helps them to unwind a bit - dd1 has always been good at swimming and also horseriding can really help their confidence.

no she will always be a worrier you just have to try and teach them to cope with it

Do you think brisk is really good enid? I sometimes think i'm doing Bad Things by being brisk.

I catch myself saying 'that's silly! It doesnt' matter! what's the point in worrying about that - it's not a problem! etc etc'. Maybe i'm actually damaging her self esteem by not taking her concerns seriously enough. (although i'm also worrying that i'm taking them too seriously aswell - i think i may be highly sensitive and need imput)

I even said 'stand up for yourself!' today.
She wanted 2 of the class players to come to her party , but i couldn't get hold of them. They demanded to know why they hadn't been invited, and dd rather than explain that we'd tried, had said nothing, and came home sad that they were cross with her. When i asked why she didnt' explain she just gets cross with me and says that she can't - it's too scary.