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Sensitive children / sensitive mums

75 replies

Boco · 06/06/2007 10:39

Since dd1 started school i'm finding it all emotionally really tough. She's very sensitive, and a worrier. She takes things to heart, gets upset, dwells on things and often cries over things that have happened.

Every night it's something. Usually being left on her own at lunch time. She's so so quiet and shy - she seems to have lots of friends, but at school she clams up and goes silent. At home she's so articulate and funny and clever, it really gets to me that school don't get to see that.

Tomorrow is another disappointment for her - they have a party table, and her friends are going to be sitting on it having a birthday lunch, and she'll be on her own.

She started school with her cousin - who she was always best friends with, but they've become really competitive and argumentative now, its just made things even worse.

I don't want to project my own worry or be overprotective, how do you go about building confidence or overcoming shyness?

Maybe she's fine, but just letting out her tiredness and worries at the end of the day, or maybe she's miserable at school, i just don't know.

How on earth do you toughen up?

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Mercy · 06/06/2007 11:21

Agree, Speccy.

My dd is a combination of outgoing and sensitive. I'm always taken aback by how shy and quiet she is in the playground in the morning; she hangs around on the fringes of her group of friends. Yet by home time she is rather shouty and bouncing around.

I've also learnt to take what she says with a pinch of salt - the 'nobody wants to play with me' type conversation fro example. It might be true every so often but I know from the teachers/playground supervisors that it is not the case every day.

What does your dd's classteacher say about her?

Enid · 06/06/2007 11:23

Boco - you will find a way. Sometimes you will be brisk when you perhaps shouldnt have been, sometimes you will be self-indulgent when you shuoldnt have been. You will find a way that works.

I dont think indulging every little whim is good though and I do tell dd1 not to worry about things/dont go on and on about things occasionally.

Enid · 06/06/2007 11:24

Althoguh I have to say I pretty much indulged it until recently when I saw that she cuold snap out of things if she really tried

Mercy · 06/06/2007 11:25

I think you have to take any child's concerns seriously but not too seriously iyswim. I've tried to help dd by offering positive suggestions as to how to approach/deal with certain situations which she finds difficult

slalomsuki · 06/06/2007 11:26

I think I might be a sensitive mum too about the party table!!!!

ds1 is very sensitive and plays on his own all the time. I have tried to get him to have friends over but it doesn't work too well since he wants to do his own thing. Whoever is over plays with ds2 who is overconfident

Original poster
Boco · 06/06/2007 11:26

Well she only started in reception class after Easter, and i feel a bit like i'm harassing her teacher.

She said dd seems like a rabbit caught in headlights most of the time. (her exact words)

Speccy you are right - when i pick her up she's usually fine, it's when we get home and she starts freaking me out with lists of injustices and hurt feelings and worries.

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Enid · 06/06/2007 11:27

move her to a more soppy school

I dont think that is a very kind thing to say about your dd1

Mercy · 06/06/2007 11:29

Oh blimey, I didn't realise she has only just started school!

It's pretty normal at the beginning tbh. There's so much going on that's new - even very confident children get overwhelmed.

Original poster
Boco · 06/06/2007 11:31

No moving isn't an option - we're in the middle of nowhere as it is.

I like the idea of a soppy school - is there an ofsted soppy scale do you think? I also would like a matronly warm and motherly teacher, dds teacher looks about 15 and a little bit bovvered.

I need to grow a backbone don't I. bugger.

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Speccy · 06/06/2007 11:32

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doeeyed · 06/06/2007 11:34

Boco-Am reading this with interest as DS is the same.

He does'nt like to play along with the others and clings to the midday supervisor at break times.

When I drop him off at school he goes quiet and looks vacant.
He likes me to reassure him when I leave him and gets anxious about school especially after half term when he has been used to staying at home again.

Boco-Does your DD talk in the classroom during the day?

3monkeys · 06/06/2007 11:36

I think I fit in the sensitive mum category too! I was thinking of starting a thread this morning as got really upset by things that one of Ds1 and Dd's friend's mum said last night. I am actually quite good at telling the children not to worry, they're fine and then I spend all night geting in a state!

By the way slalomsuki, my DS1 was always on his own at playtime at the start of reception. His teacher described him as a loner which really helped! (not!) He now has 3 lovely friends he plays with every day and is still quiet with the others but getting there gradually. Playdates for us were a disaster in those days but are now fab!

SSSandy2 · 06/06/2007 11:36

Boco how is your school re parental involvement? Is there much chance of you joining them on a school trip, doing something like reading? It would be helpful I think to see for yourself how she manages in the group.

floaty · 06/06/2007 11:42

I have to say that I have one of these ,although he is more confident he definately does the emotional dumping and he is now 13 (have I really been dealing with this for 9 years!)actually said the other day thatds2(who is actually shyer) never seems to moan about things that have gone wrong etc!!

I do think it tends to be worst with number one,perhaps because they sense our lack of confidence and experience.One thing that I found heped was to say that every afternoon he had to tell me 3 good things(maybe start at one) that had happend at school that day.I would then make sure that we spent sometime talking about these,sort of oh how exciting,how did you do that ,what colours etc general chit chat .This seemed to delay the discussion of the bad things and made sure that the first things we talked about were positive ones.Downside is that the negatives tend to come out at bathtime but at least you are then able to say welll at least you had a good time doing x (good thing)
Also agree with the one to one play dates although my ds would say when offered people to play,No thanks I saw them at school can't we just have pancakes for tea instead!I think he found school stressful enough without bringing it into his home so I did take that quite slowly.

Original poster
Boco · 06/06/2007 11:43

Parental involvement not great really - speaking to the teacher just involves queuing up in the morning and getting a hurried 2 minutes. The teacher says she is very very quiet - but not sure exactly what this means. It would be good to see - but she may act differently if i'm there.

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Original poster
Boco · 06/06/2007 11:46

floaty that sounds good - i do try to be really upbeat and positive, find out all about the good bits, lots of encouragement etc.

Enid have you read that book that goes with the website?

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SSSandy2 · 06/06/2007 11:49

Have a look at the girls yourself and ask dd what she thinks of x, y in a casual way. Then I'd call up the mum and arrange to go to the playground together after school for an hour or two and for an icecream, so there is NO pressure on dd and you can just quietly observe how they get on before doing playdates because they can be a bit intense if your dd is already overwhelmed by the dc at school.

Good luck with it. I'm contemplating changing school really for the same reason but I just can't find a suitable alternative. Very worrying, isn't it?

oliveoil · 06/06/2007 11:50

Boco - I have the Highly Sensitive Child book, receommended by the lovely Enid and numerous on here.

Dd1 is the same and I am IGNORING all talk of school until September >, I will be a big wobbly jelly, dreading it tbh

do you want me to send you the book to read? bit waffly in bits but it advises you how to talk to them etc (I found I did most of it anyway but is it informative)

oliveoil654 at hotmail . co . uk

let me know if you want it

Enid · 06/06/2007 11:51

yes I will dig it out and send it to you, will let you know on here if I find it

it wasnt that useful tbh as it kind of assumes they are all geniuses (geniii??) and dd1 is not (duffer). But it is very kind and nice and reassures you that you are doing the right thing by molly coddling them (which I did for 7 years - has worked as dd1 now so mature and balanced - more so than her peers I think )

Speccy · 06/06/2007 11:55

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Original poster
Boco · 06/06/2007 11:56

Thanks olive that'd be great - will email you.

sssandy did some friend sussing at her party. I'd got her to make a list of the girls she wanted to come, and tracked down their numbers. At the party she came bombing into the house and whispered 'fifi just spoke to me!'. I said, well, of course, she's your friend isn't she? Turns out dd invited some older girls who i don't think she's ever even spoken to , who don't even know her, but who she thinks are great. Some of them were louche and a bit scary, and not sure why they were there. Oh dear. I felt about 5 too.

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Enid · 06/06/2007 11:56

also invite one round then do an 'activity' shudder - like colouring in or beads

then they dont just sit staring at each other

doeeyed · 06/06/2007 11:56

Boco-it is exactly the same at our school.

You have to queue to talk to the teacher and like you say for a hutrried couple of minutes and with other parents around so it's hardly private.

I worry everyday too and hate to think of my DS standing alone in the playground,he has a thing about loud noises so not ideal.

My DS does relax more when I am in the classroom with him and he seems a totally different and more confident little boy.

Maybe you could ask the teacher to elaborate a bit more on her being very quiet.

I am always pestering DS's teacher and asking how he was today etc and I get the feeing she is there to do a job and that is that.
She has only been teaching a few years and I can see no compassion or as you said motherly teaching.

Ellaroo · 06/06/2007 11:57

Boco - did you see the programme on Selective Mutism last year? If not, then it may be worth a google as there is a chat forum for parents of children with selective mutism (the term means that they choose when they are mute, i.e. mute at school, but lively at home - I don't mean to imply that they actively choose to be like that - more that it is mutism that comes and goes!). HTH. x

Enid · 06/06/2007 11:57

Boco there are only a few weeks of term left. Leave it for now - see how she is next term and make a proper appt to see teacher and discuss, just before half term is always a godo time.

Oh and tell them that you think the party talbe is awful