Sensitive children / sensitive mums

[Boco]

Since dd1 started school i'm finding it all emotionally really tough. She's very sensitive, and a worrier. She takes things to heart, gets upset, dwells on things and often cries over things that have happened.

Every night it's something. Usually being left on her own at lunch time. She's so so quiet and shy - she seems to have lots of friends, but at school she clams up and goes silent. At home she's so articulate and funny and clever, it really gets to me that school don't get to see that.

Tomorrow is another disappointment for her - they have a party table, and her friends are going to be sitting on it having a birthday lunch, and she'll be on her own.

She started school with her cousin - who she was always best friends with, but they've become really competitive and argumentative now, its just made things even worse.

I don't want to project my own worry or be overprotective, how do you go about building confidence or overcoming shyness?

Maybe she's fine, but just letting out her tiredness and worries at the end of the day, or maybe she's miserable at school, i just don't know.

How on earth do you toughen up?

yes, party table a DISGRACE

fgs

Yes that makes sense Enid - in september she'll have a new teacher anyway. Hopefully a matronly one with ample bossom and nice beads.

the holy grail of mums with sensitive kids

watch dd2

I bet she will get more like it (my dd2 has but to nowhere the same degree)

I'm going to write to head about Evil Party Table of Exclusion. Oh yes.

Should i wait till she's actually invited to one, so it doesnt' look like sour grapes?

no

write now

do you know anyone else who thinks its pants?

Can't imagine it atm Enid, dd2 is practically a sociopath.

how old is dd2

Yes, shall i do a petition? Sensitive mothers against The Table of Hurt!

dd2 is 2 1/2.

I refuse to believe she will develop sensitivity.

honestly the party table is shit

have NEVER heard of it before

hmm wait and see

its reassuring to think you have one hard nut but dd2 got progressively more senstive from 3 onwards - although could have had something to do with birth of dd3 (who is as sensitive as Pol Pot)

It is so reassuring to have a happy child, if she starts to worry too i'll be a jibbering home educator.

boco I wrote almost identical posts to your about four months ago hen my DD started school. She is quite sensitive and worries - spend 30mins last night finding the 'right' plimsoles.

It get's better - it really does - she needs to gain abit of confidence. For me the playdate thign didn't work so well - it didn;t make much of a difference. Going to strucutred activites like ballet with opther children got her used to being around others but without having to do loads of interraction (where she clams up for fear of doing it 'wrong')

I also gave attention to anyone she mentioned had played or been nice to her - went up to the child and said 'tahnks for being kind to X' as it seemed to encourage playing.

My DD is like yours and is very imaginative. As soon as she gained confidence and came out her shell others liked her because "she makes up good games". She also stands her ground alot better than the over chatty children as she spent a long time observing (whilst quiet)

It gets better - and it happens quite quick.

honest - was in the same boat as you a while back.

also gave her stratgies and activites for times when 'no-one would play with her'

That's reassuring BBB, glad your dd has settled.

I guess it's good to be sensitive, i like sensitive people - lots of empathy and understanding and tend to be kind and imaginitive and creative. But life seems to be easier if you're not.

I am sensitive

once you learn that you are and that you need coping strategies, life is extremely rewarding and rich

I am also sensitive, and dp is very sensitive. We are a family with no skin. Except the little sociopath.

she'll suprise you

Its a positive boco honestly

Huge amounts of sympathy Boco, I am up to my eyes today in Social skills books, emailing people about social skills courses and generally silently freaking out about DD and middle school though she has a year left. Bit different though with my DD as she has dyspraxia. But it seems that there is help with the physical stuff but none for all this social stuff.

However, looking back she has made a lot of progress over the last 4 years. Play dates have really helped but I have been very selective about who comes and over time she generally tends to play with parents that I get on well with. As the children have got older they have become aware of the fact that she does struggle a bit and have look out for her to some extent.

I agree with Enid about the being brisk bit. I try to say that I do understand why she is upset but then give her a way to deal with things in the future or brush over it if she starts overly obsessing. It doesn't always work and shrieking like a harridan on the way to school this morning wasn't my finest hour ! But I have noticed that she has a tendency to pick up on my anxiety about the whole thing and will wallow if given a chance, but can snap herself out of it pretty easily if she has to.

And I would have gone absolutely ballistic over the birthday table, definitely would complain about that. Hopefully next year your DD will get a more nuturing teacher, they have varied a bit with DD and a good one makes a massive difference.

The other thing that I've done is send DD off to drama. I never would have thought of doing this as I would have hated it as a child and I had a bit of a stereotypical view of the whole drama school thing. However a friend's elder DD did it since she was pretty young and suggested that I give it a go. The local group is absolutely brilliant and DD has got a lot of confidence from it that I think has helped her socially a bit.

CT the social stuff is so hard isn't it! I didn't realise it would be at all. Glad your dd has been making progress. Drama sounds like a great idea - can imagine if it was run well it could be a huge boost to confidence.

We dont' have a lot of choice round here as it's so rural - but she does go to ballet and loves it - she seems really good at it too, looks very graceful - and it's ideal as it's interacting but as a group and without having to talk to them all. I'll definitely keep my eye out for other things like that.

ballet worked with dd1 too

sat on my knee for 2 weeks watching, joined in half heartedly for 1 week then stayed on her own the next

loves it now and this from someone that said she wouldn't like it

and the other week, one of the girls wouldn't let her mum go "until dd1 has got dressed" and when dd1 appeared she held her hand

I was so proud I nearly burst

Party table is evil.
I also think it's unfair to expect 4 and a half years old to have sophisticated social skills. Many of them are like your lovely dd. I went through a big shock when ds started school (January), and I should have been a pro, given that he's always gone to nursery. He cried for the first 2 weeks at lunchtime, because he didn't have "someone to talk to". so the teacher started to sit with him and things improved. I still have a weird sense of "estrangement", but I do think it's mostly related to the fact that we are "foreigners".
Your daughter sounds lovely.

you MUST write about this party table bollox!

If you write a letter they HAVE to act on it.

agree with all others about table, play dates etc

if seeing teacher at start/end of day is tricky, make a short appointment - this is what my dd teacher said to do - you can go back during a break time so your dd does not see you (or whenever) and discuss it properly then so you can say that she is not a rabbit in headlights at home and ask what the teacher suggests

would add that my friends dd took a year or two to really settle in to school - was youngest in year - now she excels at school and has two good friends - she is certainly not life and soul of the class but she is 100% happy with her group

When i picked dd up today she said 'i've had an absolutely BRILLIANT day today!', she's been put up a level at reading, moved up a table for writing, she said lots of people waited for her today at lunch times and she had a brilliant game of bad babies (?) at lunch time with lots of other children. She skipped all the way home singing, and is now checking on her worms in the worm farm with her cousin and dd2.

Hooray!