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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Head phoned and asked me to collect DS1

87 replies

LynetteScavo · 25/05/2007 11:11

I've just collected DS1 (8) from school. The head phoned and asked me to collect him, as he had refused to go into his class this morning ( I have had trouble getting him into school lately, and he's missed 5 days, as I couldnt' physically get him in)

When he is in school he's perfectly happy, it's just the transition of going in.

Any advice at all would be very gratefully recived

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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flightattendant · 28/05/2007 20:18

...going on a bit, but I didn't feel I really got what I needed even though I found a way to 'survive' at school...problems resurfaced later and I had anorexia very badly. It doesn't go away, just takes another form till you feel someone is listening to you.
Not meaning to scare you but sometimes these things are better dealt with when kids are small. He's plenty of time to grow up, just might need a step back for a while to get a grip and feel confident he can do it.

ChipButty · 28/05/2007 20:27

I don't really know about your home situation but have experienced this a handful of times as a teacher. Each time the problem has stemmed from insecurity about life at home. The child was worried because Mummy and Daddy were arguing that he would get home from school and Daddy would be gone, for example. Have found that giving jobs and bringing child in early helped. Don't wish to offend you, I'm just speaking from personal experience.

filthymindedvixen · 28/05/2007 20:28

Cornsilk - it is scary how similar our boys sound...!
Lynette - I feel very mnuch ''There but for the Grace..''. My ds is 9.5, and I can confidently predict he will start to cry and get upset on about Thursday when he realises he is back to school on Tuesday. Every holiday we have this.
Every Monday morning starts with baleful looks and misery and tears. He is not being bullied, he is reasonably popular and very sociable. He just doesn't understand why he has to go to school. Like cornsilk, he is bright but has specific larning difficulties. Like yours, he seems fine when he actually gets there.

I really really feel for you Lynette and wish I could offer some constructive advice.

juuule · 28/05/2007 20:33

Flightattendant, I think your posts highlight why it is so important to take children and their feelings seriously.

bananabump · 28/05/2007 20:51

I used to refuse to go to school, and apparently my teacher told my Mum that she was probably making things too nice for me at home. And I suppose she did, in a way. If I stayed off, there was no "punishment" and I just used to play with my toys etc

My ex told me that when he tried to get time off school he was confined to bed and made to chew aspirins. NOT that I'm suggesting anybody makes their child do that! but all I'm saying is that in MY case I just didn't fancy going into school and having to do a particular lesson/play rugby/hadn't done my homework etc I probably could have done with a firmer touch!

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 28/05/2007 21:17

To to reasure you all, we are a really normal family. The only abnormal thing about us is that for various reasons we have lived in 5 different houses.The last house we lived in we were renting,while looking for something to buy and do up. However, we liked it there so much, and didn't find quite the right property, so didn't get around to buying. Then, out of the blue, after we'd been there for 15 months the owner returned from abroad and needed his house back. This was a really stressful time for DH and I. We didn't have enough time to buy, so were forced to move into another rented house. This is when DS started refusing to go to school. We're now settled in our new home, which is actually absoulutely fabulous, with a massive garden; but DS knows we are renting, and I think this is giving him a sence of insecurity.

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Original poster

LynetteScavo · 28/05/2007 21:18

We've always lived in the same small town, though.

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popsycal · 29/05/2007 05:50

could it be the moving from one place to another that is unsettling.....it is the transitions at school so maybe the transitions at home are reflected in this.

see if he will chat about how he feels about the house moves, new bedroooms, new neighbours, new routes to school etc. may give you a few clues
worth a try

popsycal · 29/05/2007 05:51

just something else....
did you move to your last house while he was at school? did he come home to a new house?

flightattendant · 29/05/2007 06:32

Hi Lynette - I've been worrying about my last posts since last night, reckon they were a bit full on and I'm really sorry to have blurted all that out!

I don't have any doubt that your family is very normal - in fact I think this problem is so common, but people don't want to admit their child hates what's seen as an important part of life.

I don't blame you either for it in any sense - i really feel for my poor mother when she had to deal with my refusal, and didn't have a clue what to do. We were seen as fairly 'normal' and I wasn't abused or anything - just freaked out by all the changes at home.
I've recently had to deal with my DS not wanting to go to preschool, and it was truly heartbreaking when he cried - I always swore I'd never force my own child to go to school, but ended up leaving him there in tears a few times. I am still regretting this hugely but it was what everyone told me was 'right' despite my gut feelings, so I caved in - there were threats of 'he'll miss out socially, it's not normal, he's going to school soon and that'll be worse to get used to'...etc.
The trouble is I didn't know how to judge with Ds what was real - he's so little, and seemed to be happy quite quickly when I'd gone - it's a minefield as you don't want to damage them by 'giving in'.
I think Ds had trouble because I'm expecting a baby imminenetly and he knew things were going to change. So perhaps the moving house thing/renting, is the culprit for your son, as you suspect.
If so I think some extra attention might sort it quite effectively - be there to collect him every day, also maybe talk to him about how anxious the whole thing made you and DH - it could well be that he's picking up on that and fears you might split up or something.
Honesty is usually the best policy I think.
Very best wishes - nobody is judging you.

cornsilk · 29/05/2007 12:51

I think that for many parents the problem with school refusal is that people do make assumptions -often teachers - about why the child is refusing and it usually comes down to the parenting. (I say this because I am a teacher and I hear the kind of assumptions that colleagues make about what has caused this and other difficulties.) It's very hard to talk about difficulties like this in 'real life' because of this.

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 29/05/2007 18:26

Flight atendant, your posts have been really useful, and not at all full on. It's brilliant to hear things from the point of view of someone who has been through the same thing as my son, rather than a profesional telling me what to do. DS and I did have niggling doubts about our parenting at one point, but we now have two other DC's who ae very easy going. DS1 is just extreamly stubborn, and quite shy.

We actually kept DS's off school and pre-school the day we moved, so they could be fully inviolved. Because of the renting situation, we've always had a week with two houses, to make it less stressfull for us.

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