Head phoned and asked me to collect DS1

[LynetteScavo]

I've just collected DS1 (8) from school. The head phoned and asked me to collect him, as he had refused to go into his class this morning ( I have had trouble getting him into school lately, and he's missed 5 days, as I couldnt' physically get him in)

When he is in school he's perfectly happy, it's just the transition of going in.

Any advice at all would be very gratefully recived

What a nightmare for you. Do you know what the issue is with the transition? Is it being left in a busy playground? Would it help if you took him straight into the classroom and he could wait in there for the teacher and class to arrive? (IME this has worked for younger children)

Just back from GP. He'll send another letter to Clinical psyschologist. Since reception, I have beeen bundling DS in, on and off. DH and I have tried managed to force him in together this term, lots of kicking and screeming. We then went into heads office for a chat, and DS ran out off school. This morning,DS had been given a choice of going to heads office or into his classroom, but he just sat stubbornly in the corridor not speaking. (A TA had already had to physically stop him leaving the building)
I'm now feeliing really cross with the head for phoning me. I think DS would have gone into the classroom after break- it must be horrible to walk into a class that's already working.
There are some great tips on here - thanks everyone.

Oh, and this is almost funny... when I arrived at the school ,the head said to DS,
"So, are you going into your classroom, or home with Mum?"

I have no advice but went through this for the whole of yr1 with dd3. Even now she's in yr4 she can't actually explain to me what was going through her mind every time she had to leave me and go into the classroom.

The school were rubbish. There was no support and I felt like we were just some huge embarrassment.

Thankfully in yr2 she ran in happily every day and I can only put it down to the previous years' teachers (it was a job share).

I hope you find a solution.

Horrible situation and I think in general the school should be doing more to help you but I can kind of see why they called you to come and collect him. You said he had already run out of the office this morning and had to be physically stopped from leaving school. If he physically refused to go into class, what were the teachers supposed to do? Given that they won't even apply a sticking plaster nowadays, suppose they had carried him into class and he had come home with a scratch or bruise from that? And who was going to supervise him in the corridor and ensure that he didn't run off again?

That was exactly the heads point, annh.

EWO?

Well I dinn't know about the Education Welfare Oficer. The Head has contacted the Educational Social Worker, but as DS is in school more than 70% of the time, there is nothing they can do. As DS is achieving in school (ie he appaers above average) there is nothin the ed' psych' will do.

DH & I just don't think it's good enough. We expect our chiildren to be in school when they are not ill, and DS is bright. He should be at least in the top 10% of the year. We feel he his failing.

The school is a good school. I don't think changing schools is the answer.

Any ideas very welcome.

I know it's Friday night, but pleeeeaaaase don't make me end my own thread.

i've been thinking about you and your boy Lynette. He sounds such a strong character.

When you look at what he's actually DOING, it is quite amazing. He refuses his mum, dad, and his headteacher about going into school even though he's only 8. He refuses adults requests to go into a classroom and sits stubbornly quiet and not talking to them.

There is no-one who can tell him what to do. That's amazing, when he's only 8 years old. Most kids have a point where they'll crumble - someone is able to do something to make that happen, whether it's rewards/praise/scary shouting/whatever! Doesn't seem like your ds has this point, so far....As you say it's about the transition but it also HAS to be about control, surely...your boy is in a power struggle with the adults here?

Is it possible the school could allocate him a support worker who could be his 'transition' person; they could greet him on arrival at school and take him in, and help him with his lesson change overs?

i just think you need a meeting with the head to make sure he realises that it's the transition he has to help your ds with. He may not see it so clearly as you do.

it's even crossed my mind that you could keep him off until his attendance is below 70%, then you could get help from the EWO!

Another alternative is to simply do your best with it, get him in as much as possible, and ride out this period of time; hoping that he changes, develops and that not focussing on it any more than you have to, you remove the power struggle element of the situation?

just thoughts really. HTH?

Honoria, you really understand the situation. DS just doesn't crumble. Ever. This makes him really difficult to parent, but at the same time makes me really, really proud of him. I will really think about what you've said.

Yes, Lynette I am very sure he is challenging to parent but A) good on you for letting him be the person he is and not squashing him and B) he will go FAR!

THANKYOU HONORIA - I AGREE!

It's just really hard for DH and I to see where Ds is heading at the moment! He has sooooooo much potential, we just have to bring it out. Sadly, I'm not sure that happens as often as it should in the school system.

I work in a special need school and for 2 terms ( 2 entire terms) we had a young boy who refused point blank to go to his classes, he would be dropped off at school, he'd come inside and for the entire day, he'd sit in the entrance on a bench. He did that for weeks and weeks. Everything was tried, but really, there is little you can do if someone is refusing - you can't really physically make them. The LEA gave very little support and no support from his mum.
Thinking aboaut it, I'm not sure whatever happened to him. V polite boy, always said hi to everyone who visited. It was just so v odd

Thanks Cat64. That's very helpful. DS hasn't yet had an individual member of staff greet him in the morning. I am going to insist on that after half term. I feel there are certain points during the day where he needs a TA with him. His clas teacher has very good, accompanying him to music, as he doesn't like the music teacher, but there is only so much she can do with a class of 30.

God- poor you and your son. Sounds like very hard work. I'm a bit stunned that the head teacher called you to take him home, tbh. Surely that's totally reinforcing that he's allowed to call the shots?

I'm going to sound like a total meanie but have you and dh tried really reading the riot act? If my 8 year olds did this I would be very sympathetic to their distress and need to make it a battle and I would try and find out why it was such an issue and get some professional support as you are doing. But I would also do almost anything to ensure that they lost the battle every day and became resigned to losing. I would drag them to their classrooms kicking and screaming if need be.

I know that probably sounds mega harsh but ime (working with school refusers a while back) if you can't make him attend school at 8 you may be looking at years of this and the message you are giving him is that he's on his own with it- he can't control himself and nor can anyone else. Pretty scary for a little child.

I think cornsilk's approach of sympathy combined with being absolutely unmoveable on the necessity of attending is the only way forward really. Imo, if he gets the message that school is optional you are well and truly screwed. Please don't think I'm not sympathetic though- I've seen how hard it is and what a strain it can be on the whole family and I don't envy you guys one little bit. I hope things improve soon, Lynette.

I must sound so weak. Drag him to his class room kicking a screaming... oh yes.This has been possible until now, but he's a stubborn 8 year old. The trouble is I always have DD with me, who is 22 months, and DS2 who is 4. If I drop DS2 off at pre-school first, DS1 is late. I have managed to drop DD off at my mums, but then DS2 starts to cry because he wants to play with Granny. Blimey, ....it's a comedy!

You don't sound weak at all. It must be very hard, especially with younger kids to consider. What about your husband/partner? Can he help? I would make my partner take the boys in your situation and he would be so grumpy that they'd soon start hightailing into school at a rate of knots, I can tell you! I just think your son needs the message that no matter what he will be going to school. That it's not his decision and is out of his hands.

And have you told your boy that you and dh could be prosecuted, fined or even imprisoned if he doesn't go? And thought about that? EWOs and ESWs will always eventually go for the punitive route if advice/support doesn't work. One of my clients came oh so near to going to court over a similar issue. Her son was 10. It was horrible.

Yes we have made it clear to DS. Then he looks like he's going to cry.

Today I told him there were 3 options;

1. DS finds the courage, with help from us, the school, clinical psych', hypnothrapist( oh, yes, really, were deperate!) to go into school.

2. We carry on as we are, Mummy and Daddy get fined; some parents have been sent to prison, etc.

3. We look at other schools to see if they are an option for him.

4. I home educate him, we don't have the income we had planned on in 2 years time, it'll be sad we can't buy the things we want to because Mummy isn't working. You have to spend all day with Mummy and not your school frieds.

When I said this I could see the confusion on his face, and knew I'd gone too far. In reality, I would remove him from shcool before we were fined, or taken to court. I really don't want to do this though, as I had planned to start working when DD started school. Also, I feel it would be confusing for DS2.