Is my 7-year-old simply not suited to being 1 of 30, and what can I do about it?

[TruffleOfDoom]

7-year-old DD is in year 3 at our village primary school. She has a lot of close friends at the school and an older sibling who goes there and is very happy.

DD, however, is not very happy. She is anxious and every night before school and every morning before school tells me that she does not like school and does not want to go, sometimes getting very upset about it. Last academic year was the exception and we hoped she’d out-grown it, but the anxiety returned worse than ever in September. She is able to manage her anxiety, but it is still very unpleasant for her.

DH and I have spoken many times with her teachers, but I just don’t think that a quiet, ultra-compliant, middle-attainment child will ever be a priority in a busy class of 30 children. In fact, there are have been times that I have spoken to her teachers where I’m quite sure they’ve got her confused her with one of the other quiet, compliant girls in her class. I don’t mean to criticise teachers, I think it’s just the sad reality of state education in this country at the moment.

Just down the road is a lovely little prep school with small class sizes and a very nurturing ethos. What’s more, it does a lot of performing arts and music, both areas that DD excels at in her extracurricular activities, but which she rarely gets to showcase at her school.

In short, it seems like the sort of place she’d thrive at.

Why haven’t we moved her? Well, she doesn’t want to leave her friends. Her lovely, lovely friends, many of whom she’s known since they started the school Nursery together at 3 years old and who have supported her through all her fears and wobbles. As much as she dislikes school, it would break her heart to leave them. With the prep school being smaller (18 in the current year 3) and friendships being fairly settled, there is really no guarantee she’d manage to build friendships as close as the ones she’d be losing.

So a nearly-invisible 7-year old who doesn’t want to go to school, but doesn’t want to not go to it either. Who is distressed enough to need to do something, but well-behaved and compliant enough that it does not visibly disrupt her learning and qualify her for any additional help. What would you do?

Actually, the person who suggested ASD might not be far off the mark as we do have some Aspergers in our family. However, anxiety aside, she doesn’t show any other problems with her social skills. She is sociable and well liked amongst her peers with a wide circle of friends.

School and testing don't really work for her in the way that they do for her brothers but tests of her intelligence show she is quite bright, though appears middle of the road in class. She would spend ages on maths worksheets because she had to really understand what was going on rather than copy what was done before and see if that works... It took her ages to read by herself as she will never skim over something but when she finally got there, she will only read beautiful meaningful books that touch her soul (as well as reading Tin Tin over and over again). She is my precious butterfly.

TruffleOfDoom - I have PMd you.

She sounds amazing Forgiveness. My DD also likes to have a bit more time to understand mathematical concepts, but when she does get them is then very secure in them. I bet your DD and my DD would be great friends if they ever met!

Thank you for your PM Fairy, I have replied

We moved DD from a village school, to a slightly larger prep school when she was 8. (So the other way round to you). She is also an anxious child, and wasn't really being stretched at the previous school, which meant that when she got anything wrong, she just couldn't cope.

Her new school gives the children endless possibilities to try new things, and supports the children to have a go. Simply saying no isn't an option.

It took about 6 -9 months for her to really feel settled at the new school, but it was definitely a positive move for her. It gives her so many more opportunities for music and sport, both of which she loves and does well at.

I would encourage you to move your dd.

If you do think your DD would be better suited to the private school, I'd prioritise that over maintaining friendships that, let's be honest, are not remotely guaranteed to last anyway.

Do you know parents at the prep school? My DD attends a small prep school with small class sizes, loads of art and music and sports, and a huge focus on pastoral care. A lot of the kids there have moved from situations like your daughter's and their parents talk about it a lot. Prep schools are very different from each other and some are pushier than others. Ours isn't. When I said I didn't want DD doing too much homework, the head was happy to not just support that, but encourage it. She felt that many parents want to see their kids being pushed but her focus is security and fun. My DD loves it there. Have a chat with the head of the prep school, without your DD being there, and see what vibe you get. Find out if it's a Pushy Prep or a "quality of life" prep. Good luck.

I would move schools. If they are good friends they will continue to see her outside of school

Smaller is not always better, she may find it hard to break into the social group and will have fewer people to befriend.

Hi,

we moved ds1 - who is highly anxious, emotionally immature and dyspraxic, to an independent towards the end of reception (place came up). I don't regret it. He is doing better iwth lots more input (class of 16), getting 1:1 SEN input for his writing which he 'wasn't bad enough' for in state sector, and the curriculum is. much much broader and interests him more. He was definitely lost in the middle in a class of 30 and isnt a child who coped with that.
I would move your dd. You can always move back to state for secondary if that feels right at hte time. ds1 remains anxious, but we saw a huge change in him overall with the move. The smallness of his prep (1 form entry) means he gets a chance at music, sport, plays etc which he would not in a larger competititve environment.

Haven’t read through whole thread yet so apologies if I’m repeating anyone else.

I’d have a really good think about this. From all accounts it seems your DD has a lovely group of friends, which will count for so much in KS2.

In DS school, Y6 has been full of emotions, especially for some of the girls and a few of the boys and having a larger cohort has helped.

I moved Ds from a much smaller primary for different reasons than your DD and it was the best decision but I’m not sure moving your DD will solve what’s currentjy going on.

We moved DS to a much larger primary and it was the best decision.

I’d think long and hard about a smaller primary, which on the surface might feel more nurturing but the older the children get, friendships ebb and flow and can become a bigger issue in the last couple of years. A smaller school can magnify issues surrounding the social side of things. Less friends to go around etc