Is my 7-year-old simply not suited to being 1 of 30, and what can I do about it?

[TruffleOfDoom]

7-year-old DD is in year 3 at our village primary school. She has a lot of close friends at the school and an older sibling who goes there and is very happy.

DD, however, is not very happy. She is anxious and every night before school and every morning before school tells me that she does not like school and does not want to go, sometimes getting very upset about it. Last academic year was the exception and we hoped she’d out-grown it, but the anxiety returned worse than ever in September. She is able to manage her anxiety, but it is still very unpleasant for her.

DH and I have spoken many times with her teachers, but I just don’t think that a quiet, ultra-compliant, middle-attainment child will ever be a priority in a busy class of 30 children. In fact, there are have been times that I have spoken to her teachers where I’m quite sure they’ve got her confused her with one of the other quiet, compliant girls in her class. I don’t mean to criticise teachers, I think it’s just the sad reality of state education in this country at the moment.

Just down the road is a lovely little prep school with small class sizes and a very nurturing ethos. What’s more, it does a lot of performing arts and music, both areas that DD excels at in her extracurricular activities, but which she rarely gets to showcase at her school.

In short, it seems like the sort of place she’d thrive at.

Why haven’t we moved her? Well, she doesn’t want to leave her friends. Her lovely, lovely friends, many of whom she’s known since they started the school Nursery together at 3 years old and who have supported her through all her fears and wobbles. As much as she dislikes school, it would break her heart to leave them. With the prep school being smaller (18 in the current year 3) and friendships being fairly settled, there is really no guarantee she’d manage to build friendships as close as the ones she’d be losing.

So a nearly-invisible 7-year old who doesn’t want to go to school, but doesn’t want to not go to it either. Who is distressed enough to need to do something, but well-behaved and compliant enough that it does not visibly disrupt her learning and qualify her for any additional help. What would you do?

Were the old school supportive in a sense of trying to remedy the problem Martha, or just supportive of the move?

I must admit that I’m not sure what the school can actually do to make it better, but I’m guessing they must have some experience of helping anxious/unhappy children. I have only ever raised it with the class teachers to date, but will raise it with the headteacher and/or SENCO this time.

If I'm totally honest she wasn't unhappy just lost in a sea of 32 with 6 or 7 really rowdy dc.

We had a couple of incidents similar to what you describe.

We had made our minds up though more or less.

They were very supportive of taster days and chatted to dd about them.

The advice I was given by a head was if you feel you have given it your all then move her now, don't wait because if things could have been sorted out they would have been by now.
I wish I had taken that advice.We waited a horribly tortuous term and have so many regrets that we did.

I had to move my daughter (then nearly 8) when my ex left as he did all school runs, I couldn't afford childcare every day so moved her to where I teach...a much larger primary. She started there at the beginning of year 3. (Her dad only left 2 weeks before the summer hols so it was all a bit sudden). She'd always wanted to come to school with me until she had to leave her friends behind....friends she had known since she was 2 years old & who she was very close to. At first we had play dates but it'd hard as she's at her dad's 10 miles away every other weekend plus 1 teatime a week. And we also had to have play dates with the new friends. Her school is now 3 miles from where we live and we get home after 5pm so playdates aren't easy. It took her a year to make friends & she's only got 1 really good one. The first term she cried every day & I ended up having to get her a counsellor.
Of course our circumstances are very different.....her dad left to live with someone else & the dog died just before she started her new school, which didn't help.
As a teacher I'd say your daughter will get noticed more in a smaller class & that could help. As a parent I'd say don't move her away from her friends. My DD occasionally sees the old friends at parties or the odd playdate but she sees them all getting on without her. There was a party last week straight from school....I rushed her there for 4pm, but the mum said she was very quiet for the whole party.....it made me sad.
Sorry.....that probably hasn't been much help. I hope you can work things out for your DD.

That’s good to know (the school supporting your DD bit, not the bit where she was lost in a sea of 32 children!)

I’m so sorry for what you and your DD went through Crazycatlady —and what a selfish bastard of an ex you have—

I think friends are so important, although I know they change a lot too at this age. I think the poster who said that pretty much all 7/8 year olds are kind and nurturing is spot on, but I also think that there’s something special about having friends you’ve known since you were 3 years old waiting on the playground to give you a hug and hold your hand every morning.

Have you tried giving her something for her anxiety, to see if it helps her feel better about school?

What sort of something Emily? I’d be reluctant to medicate her, but you’ve just made me realise that we’ve never considered whether fiddle toys or some sort of comfort object might help her.

..which reminds me that another child at the same school used to take some sort of a worry diary to school, so possibly lots we haven’t tried!

I think you need to get to the bottom of what the problem is. It would be awful to move her and realize that her anxiety has just followed her to the new school.

What is she like during summer holidays?

The worry diary works if your DD has a bond with the teacher or TA who would support it.
Fidget stuff can work with anxiety but she needs to be in a secure enough environment to take reassurance from it.
If you think your school can do this then go for it.
Do you know any families at the other school? How do you know it's a nurturing school?

Alternatively, at a new school, she might not need a hug & hand. Is there really any advantage to being friends with someone from the age of 2? Yes, it sounds nice but how active was she in choosing these friends and how much was it to do with those children having parents you liked or happening to go to nursery on the same day as her or happening to have an older sibling who was friends of your DS? You may find that it is those friends who are stifling her as they are all playing the roles that suited their characters at the age of 2 & 3 and not who they are now.
My DD is also Y3 and is at a two form intake primary where they muddle up the classes every other year. About 1/4 of the intake were at Nursery with her from the age of 12mths and she mainly played with and was bullied by them in the first couple of terms. Now, of group of a dozen or so she mainly plays with, two were at nursery with her, one she happened to go to tumble tots with between the ages of 2 & 3, two have been in her class since reception, four since year 1 and three since September with one of them being new to the school.
Since starting at school, 6 children have left the year and 8 have joined. Each time, there's a slight re-shuffle of friendships but the impact only ever seems to be minimal. Children of that age do seem to make friends easily and being the "new girl" has a certain gloss to it which means everyone will
want to have at least one conversation with her. Is your local primary over subscribed? If not, you may well get a spot back quite quickly if you send her to the pricaynwfhool & then decide you dont like it.

I know Kokeshi, that would be beyond awful. There’s no guarantee she could move back either, as there are waiting lists for many of the classes.

She is relaxed, carefree and rarely noticeably anxious during the holidays. She has sleepovers with friends (our house and theirs) and will spend 3 or 4 nights with my parents, so copes pretty well with separation. She is a bit hesitant with DH’s parents though who, like her teachers actually, are kind but not overly warm and don’t seem to quite get her. However, she’s quite happy to trot off to her million-and-one extra curricular activities and when we go skiing she’s very anxious on the first day of ski school, but begging to be allowed to stay for lunch club by the second morning.

So the anxiety is still there, just at a much lower level.

I think you need to get the right school for the child. Move her, don’t let the decision rest on her fears about friendships.

I would not just assume a private school teacher won’t shout or have a chaotic classroom. I have seen both and not all little Private schools are great. Some won’t be remotely interested in the average quiet child. She might get a chance to show off her other skills (is this important at school if she can show her skills at her classes outside of school?) but if other children are perceived as better, I wouldn’t be swayed by thinking she will be chosen. I have found prep schools choose the favourite children time and time again. You may also find that as the prep children get older, some are prepared for scholarships and the others just float along. Prep schools are invariably competitive in the end and the parents want bang for their buck. Eventually this means a decent senior school.

Be very careful about leaving friends behind. They will forget her. It’s inevitable. You will be trying to fit in with two sets of friends, old school and new school, which will be difficult.

I think you need a much better handle on what is going on in her current class. Just because she isn’t the brightest, you cannot say the teacher isn’t trying to get her to make progress. Most average children make progress too and are able to enjoy school. It may be she just doesn’t like school.

Fair point headoutofthesand.

We know 4 families who have a total of 5 children there incywincy. Not a huge sample size, but it has an excellent reputation locally and the families we know all speak glowingly about the family-like ethos. I also (sort of) know an ex member of staff who has only ever had nice things to say about it.

Take her to a taster session. She probably will want to go then. It worked for me and I was a stubborn little bugger. It changed my life. Its just easier to provide good pastoral care when you have a smaller class that you can actually get to know on an individual basis.

I’m not so worried about her academic progress Bubbles, I only mentioned the middling attainment as she’s not high attaining enough or struggling enough to be memorable to her teachers. It’s also not really a state v private thing, it’s a community based v small & nurturing thing. There are prep schools in the neighbouring towns that are very highly regarded indeed but that would be completely wrong for DD and that I would not touch with a barge pole!!

The recognition for her other skills is just so she’d have something that she was, if not the best at, at least near the top of the class in for a change. I think it would really boost her confidence.

I do agree, sadly, that it’s inevitable that her friends would forget her though.

My preferred option would be to make her current school a better fit, not least because she’d probably have to move again at 11 (either way)

If that fails, I think a taster day would be fairly harmless.

I tried our GP 2 years ago about generalised anxiety (when she was in year 1) and was told that because she was coping with her anxiety (i.e. it wasn’t actually preventing her from going to school etc), it wasn’t something they could offer any help with. Does anyone with experience of such things know if it’s worth going back, given that it’s still not actually preventing her from doing anything?

All three of my kids moved primary schools twice, due to various family moves and in one case, unhappiness in the previous school. Each time, they settled very quickly and made new friends and it was a positive experience. I worried about the first move, but it was completely fine and so were all the subsequent moves. We went through a total of five different primary schools. All three then moved on to secondaries that they stayed in for the full seven years. Moving schools seems like a really big deal until you actually do it. If your child is unhappy and you can afford the change, just go for it. And don't feel the need to justify your decision to anyone (including your other child) - you are picking the best fit for each child. Paying for your DD doesn't detract from your DS's education if he's doing well where he is.

Inositol is really great for anxiety in children and it tastes really nice so they don’t mind taking it. Might be worth a try. It’s worked miracles for my DS’ OCD and anxiety.

Could she have some playtherapy first where they try to get to the bottom of why she is anxious? Could she make friends from the new school first through an activity?
I think if you talk to her teacher they should do something to try and help her and be more aware of her suffering.
Saying all that my dcs moved primary and got on great. My ds begged me to move him as had a shouty reacher he couldn't cope with.

Thinking over all that DD has told us, her anxiety is with her one way or another at all times. Sometimes it’s low enough not to cause her any discomfort, but it doesn’t seem like something we can get rid of, only control. Even with her very nurturing teacher her anxiety didn’t disappear, it was just low enough that her enthusiasm to go to school over rode it.

Basically, would be taking her anxiety with her if she moves.

This would still be preferable to her current situation so long as her anxiety is a lot lower at the new school. If her anxiety isn’t significantly lower then I’ve actually made it a whole lot worse for her by removing her biggest support from her; her friends.

One other thing; although she asks me not to send her to school, when we have sat down and discussed the alternatives to her going to school (i.e. homeschooling or moving school) her preference is to stay where she is. What she really means is don’t send me to school today.

Agree with others that the "why she is anxious" is the important thing. If you were moving her because x wasn't right at her current school then I'd say to go for it.

If she needs a "nice nurturing teacher" there is no guarantee she'll get that at the private school every year she's there, despite the small class sizes. Small class sizes in themselves may add extra pressures as she may feel she is more under the spotlight.
I actually wouldn't worry about the friendship issue - I think girls tend to have massive friendship changes in Y4/5 anyway so broadening her horizons is no bad thing.

Definitely move