Huge regret moving primary school

[Lucia77]

Hi there, I'm struggling big time although it's 8 months on. I moved my son for now looking back all the wrong reasons, he was my first child to go to school and I was so silly to make the move. He was fine about moving schools..went for a look round..still fine. Started...and he was very upset wanting to go back. But he couldn't his old school was full. I knew instantly I had made a wrong choice, everything felt so wrong.
His old school is a fantastic school but it's took this horrible move for me to realise, he had wonderful friends and there is nothing more I've wanted (or thought about) than him to go back.
Just before the summer holiday spaces became available for him and his brother (to begin reception) my son was by then settled, he said he didn't want to move. I was gutted! This is what I had been waiting for. The stress and upset I put him through I couldn't do again although I knew deep down this other school is the best for them in the long run. I didn't accept the places I couldn't face him being upset for another day of his life for this 'school mess up'

Now it's the new school year I feel sick daily again, I've developed terrible anxiety, I still think about this all the time, I haven't moved into a home opposite the old school as I can't face being so close to the school that I know is right for my family. I speak and see friends from the old school and I feel so sad everytime. I know how silly I'm being but I cannot get this out of my head, I keep thinking to put him and his brother back on the waiting list but is there any point? I think I may go crazy if he doesn't go back, I overly worry about anything negative they say about their school I beat myself up constantly for the past and future. For my health I think I need to move him back (he has lots of friends still at the school and the teachers are completely wonderful I know he would love being back there it's just the move I don't think he wants to go through again and he has a small group of close friends who do make him happy) I know I have made this go way out of proportion but I think I will go insane if I don't have others input on this. Thank you for reading my essay. And I know this isn't a big issue in life, but no matter how many times I tell myself this it keeps haunting me. 6 more years at the school, my boys will no longer be 'boys' i think this is really precious time.

Why did you move him in the first place?

And why do you regret?

Is he happy at new school?

As Snowiest said, why did you move him? Did he want to move?

You seem to be pinning all the blame on the school for you feeling so bad but this seems totally unfair from what you've said on here, unfortunately. Have you spoken to your GP about this at all?

There must have been a reason you moved school. Is your DS happy in his new school?

I moved him as I thought he should of been happier than he was, he is a very outgoing clever boy and I thought school was ment to be fun and exciting and want to come home and tell me about it, he was grumpy most days and NEVER wanted to talk about anything (very rarely brought things home) this made me think negatively about it, (now I realise a lot of kids don't talk about their school day it's all been a lot of a learning curve) the school also never reported back on how he was doing (now I look back I should have questioned more) academically he wasn't doing as good as I thought he should be (I do feel this has improved at the new school a lot) his main friend at the old school was very controlling and they always came out arguing? Although they are still best friends to this day. I felt he wasn't good for him. Now though I see how many friends missed him so much when he left and what an amazing set of friends he had and still has luckily but not being at the school im not sure how long this will last still going to their parties etc.

His new school isn't what i expected with the kids being scared of the headteacher and kids constantly leaving and joining the school. The old school is known to be a good established school and I've put him in a smaller school that doesn't yet have a year 4 or 5. I liked that it was smaller with only two year groups. He does really like his teacher and he now has good friends..

Why did you move him ?

Sorry re read it. The stuff you describe is all normal for schools. My kids tell me nothing. We have parents eve twice a year. Kids fall out. Its an awesome schoo however and I trust them. I'd just go on waiting list to go back

I wouldn't move your children again (I assume both your sons are at the same school), you may feel the same about the first school again!

I mean this in the kindest possible way, but it sounds to me like this is more about your anxiety than about the actual schools themselves. And it might be that you would have the same doubts and worries even if you moved your son all over again. I think you should perhaps talk to your GP as another poster has suggested.

I think that moving your DCs again because of your health, rather than any benefit to them, seems a bad idea.
You sound very anxious and fixated on the idea that the "perfect" school would make everyone happy all the time. There is no reason to think that either DC will be any happier after move. I would be tempted to talk through your anxiety and the impact it is having on your day-to-day life with your GP.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. I just can't get over the guilt of what I put him through all to move away from a fantastic school. I would 100% appreciate the old school if he could move back that's one thing I'm sure of, I've now learnt. I believe it's definately right for them in the long term, but some days I think I did what I did, I'm sure it will pan out fine here. But then I think why settle when I know deep down what's best for us all.

I agree about seeing a gp! I've never got so fixated or anxious about anything in my life before this school business (I guess because your kids happiness is the most important thing, also 6 years is quite a long time)
I just feel like I'll forever feel guilty about putting my son's in this unhappy school, obviously I have plenty of fine days but when the kids can't go on outings or trips because there are no parents that can come or will bother at the new school it upsets me, the parents couldn't do enough at the old school and it really shows. When people move out I feel jealous I haven't just done the move? The head teacher promises more play equipment for the kids and after school clubs but they never come. I also thought it would be wonderful having brand new teachers that put their all in to teaching (another mistake...teachers with 20+ years are probably a better choice) my son's happy and I'm so grateful for that. I know I think way too much about this and I hope a visit to the go might help with the guilt I have.

It does sound like you've made a huge mistake, taking what you've said about both schools into account. No wonder you're fixated on it. To be perfectly honest, if I thought the old school was so much better, I would move them back. It wouldn't be as hugely disruptive as the previous move, because it's not a move to the unknown now. No school trips, no after school clubs, disinterested parents, not enough play equipment... It doesn't sound great.

But your son is happy-thats the main thing. As a previous poster said I think this is about your anxiety-I understand where it comes from -you love your chidlren and deicison making for them can feel overwhelming and a huge responsibility. It can feel like the decision you make can change their life course- in reality it won't. My experience with 3 children and from moving around -4 different schools is that they are all very similar-there are good and bad things in every school and it would be easy to obssess about all the things that are not right. Try and focus on all the things that are right. I suspect ( and I don't mean this disrespectfully) that if you moved him back you would then obsess about this school and how things were much better. The key is you did what you did for a reason and that reason was for the good of your son. He is now happy. You said he is now doing well academically and has friends. I think that is what most of us want. Please talk this through with someone. Believe me there is no perfect school private or state. It sounds like you are a caring mum but need to talk through your own anxiety with someone so it doesn't spoilt this happy time in your life with your children.

Agent..if my son agreed I'd be there in an instant. I guess if no places come up I don't have a choice anyway. But if they did I want to make the right choice and I feel with my jumbled head I can't make this decision alone.
Laura your post made me cry for some reason? I do think that I'm wasting time with all this, it's been on going for over a year now. I'll get on with things (school) then something i see or something that happens will set me back again thinking why didn't I just move him and this would be over!? In a way if it's just me with the problem I'm glad I don't have to go through the moving process to get this sorted. I just see this being a constant guilt trip for the next 6 years, by having lots of friends (myself and son) at the old school really doesn't help with trying to get over it. He is happy now but i think will he be happy for the rest of the duration and will my other son enjoy himself..it's a very academic school and my youngest is more for extra curriculum activities and getting outside (which this school doesn't tend to do!!) I hear nothing but praise about the juniors of the other school...now that it's too late; and the kids are always polite and very happy. I do also laugh at the mess I've got myself in 🙈🙈

I assume you did research before making such a big decision to move schools? I was in a position of changing my daughter schools and made sure I REALLY thought about it before doing it. I was scared because she was happy and settled in her old school. But the new school she would be in a bilingual environment and learn French, plus she knew some kids at least (so wouldn't be complete shock, as she had a few friends there) and it is half the distance of old school. I could not be happier with my decision. My daughter is thriving at her new school. I made sure to set up play dates so she made friends fast etc. Perhaps try this? Instead of dwelling on your mistake, try to see positive and set up play dates, try to meet the other parents and look at the positives. A lot of kids don't always say what they did at school. My daughter used to tell me in nursery she did nothing and played with no one. But this was a different story from what teacher said, that she loved school, had friends etc. And I would confirm this, when my daughter would see her teacher and get all excited and happy to see her teacher and see that the other kids, would run up to her calling her name and happy to see her. So, what kids say does not always match up. Watch and observe and ask adults for feedback. My son now, says he plays with no one at school. But when I watched him secretly at his after school football (done with kids in his year). I saw he was playing, laughing, being silly with a few of the boys....so he is obviously playing with other kids, perhaps he does not realise this or perhaps because he does not know their names or perhaps its because he is only 3, his response is always "I did nothing at school and played with no one."

I think if he is happy with his friends and he's doing fine academically, that's all you need to worry about. I wouldn't move him again if it were me.

Put your energies into seeing what you can do at home to support him. Help him with homework, find books he might like to read etc.

But I don't think this utopia you imagine with the other school exists.

Our school was massively oversubscribed. My dc still had some dreadful teachers (who had 20 years experience), were bullied, came home dehydrated - all sorts of things. Because these things happen wherever you go. It's all about learning how to cope with them - it's a journey.

If they don't have play equipment, they play with anything they can find. Trees, sticks. Our school has very little. They give out balls, beanbags, table tennis sets - they aren't deprived because there's no climbing frame at school.

At the end of the day they need to come out of primary school reading and writing fluently with a good knowledge of their times tables. If they can also have reasonably good social skills that's a bonus. .That's your aim (in my view). I'd focus on what you can do to assist with that and stop worrying about whether the environment is perfect.

I did my research and I listened to others. The head isn't doing what she said she would do. There has been lots of teacher changs which I didn't know would happen. I didn't know what the parents and children would be like but another mum at the school said it was a fab little school....she has now moved her kids?? I also helped in the school for a short time (reception) as I knew it was a big decision and I thought he would fit in very well, like he now does as he is such a sociable lovely clever boy but he was perfectly fine and happy at the other school and that's what I didn't realise. He also had a best friend in this new school that is a big reason i chose this particular one he ended up in another class and made other friends.

I think it may have negative effect on your ds if you keep feeling doubtful about your choice.
Once again, compare the pros and cons of each school. And maybe decide which school would be better for him in the long run? Then stick with it.
If you keep focusing on negative aspect of school, you will always regret your decision. But if you try to see the positives and concentrate on it, you will be happy with your choice. I don't think no school can be perfect for everything.

So if the place came up and if you think old school is better for him, I would move him back. At least move won't be as traumatic as to move to totally unknown place.

Strange the mom said a fab school and then moved her kids out? Did you ask her why? I would! Also, it sounds like your son has now settled, so you should try and not worry about it so much. Kids can be happy even if schools are going through a change or tough time. My dd was happy at her old school that had lots of changes, teachers leaving, new ones coming, new head, lots of kids leaving and coming and a building site on top of that! My dd thrived and did well. I was so worried about moving her and my only reason was for her to learn a language, which is a gift in life I think! Best and easiest time is to learn now. I was so worried if she was not happy. My husband also kept worrying about her being "confused." Thank goodness, it all went well. Obviously the first week or two my dd missed her old school. But the teacher was fantastic and she knew some of the kids there and played with them. She has now made loads of friend and is fluent in French after half a year at the school. So now she returned after summer and so happy to be back. She kept telling me before I chose the school well so this makes me happy. Now her brother has joined and he is also doing well....it took hime two weeks though to eat the school lunch. But I was suspecting this as he did this in nursery and his daycare before! Very difficult eating habits. But anyway, if your son is happy then be happy. Speak to him and see.

I'm so glad it worked out well for you and your little ones, I think it often does and mother instincts are normally right but unfortunately this time mine wern't 😏

I agree with the others who say that as long as he's happy and safe, leave him where he is. Sounds like you're thinking in extremes and making what you hear fit this story of you having made a huge mistake. The old school isn't fantastic. No school is. All have pros and cons and your experience of it wasn't fantastic to make you stay. The new school has cons and no one could have foreseen that some staff would leave or that the mum who said it was fab would change her mind. But your DS is settled and doing well there, so congratulate yourself if you can bear to. You moved him, he handled the upheaval well and is thriving. You can't let these exaggerated regrets be the narrative of his primary years. Start focusing on the positives of where he is, tune out what you hear of the old school if at all possible, and find more in the present and future plans to occupy your mind. If you feel it spiralling into anxiety, seek help for that before making any rash decisions.

It was about 8/9months before she moved them that she told me she was very happy with the school

Thank you pinkdelight ☺

But so strange she would say school is fab, even though her kids hated it!!!!!! I would not say a school is FAB and leave out the part, but my kids HATE it and are miserable! GEEZ!

But if your boy is settled and happy now, no need to worry, just make the best of it. Set up play dates etc and hopefully they make good friends. Bc to be honest, that is the most important part of liking the school...well at least a big part of it. My dd loves going to school to see her friends. She also loves her teachers, so this helps. Sometimes you are not lucky with a teacher or class, but you must make the most of it. Last year, my dd didn't like her French teacher much, she was too shouty she said (other kids said the same.) Luckily she loved her English teacher (teachers switched every week). Anyway, this year she loves both teachers and she said they are a dream come true :-) The main thing is, kids must learn to adapt and be happy in their situation...make the most of it. Nothing is perfect. My dd is able to adapt to different situations, as she has moved nursery and schools several times, since she was a baby. She went from childcare A, to childcare B after 6 months because distance was too far for me and I had baby, then we went to the states for 4 months, so she was put in childcare C for those 4 months. Then when we returned, put back into childcare B for 6 more months, before she started nursery at old school, which we pulled her out after 1.5 hours years to move on to her current school. She was happy in all environments. Of course there was the week of settling in, but never traumatic...just the usual being a little shy at first.

So talk to your son, find out if there is anyone he is interested to become friends with and set up play dates. I would ask my dd who she wanted to set play dates with or who her friends with or heck, I would just set up play dates on top of that as well (based on who lived close to us lol). If he does not like a teacher, then remind him next year there will be a new teacher and hopefully it will be a better one!