Huge regret moving primary school

[Lucia77]

Hi there, I'm struggling big time although it's 8 months on. I moved my son for now looking back all the wrong reasons, he was my first child to go to school and I was so silly to make the move. He was fine about moving schools..went for a look round..still fine. Started...and he was very upset wanting to go back. But he couldn't his old school was full. I knew instantly I had made a wrong choice, everything felt so wrong.
His old school is a fantastic school but it's took this horrible move for me to realise, he had wonderful friends and there is nothing more I've wanted (or thought about) than him to go back.
Just before the summer holiday spaces became available for him and his brother (to begin reception) my son was by then settled, he said he didn't want to move. I was gutted! This is what I had been waiting for. The stress and upset I put him through I couldn't do again although I knew deep down this other school is the best for them in the long run. I didn't accept the places I couldn't face him being upset for another day of his life for this 'school mess up'

Now it's the new school year I feel sick daily again, I've developed terrible anxiety, I still think about this all the time, I haven't moved into a home opposite the old school as I can't face being so close to the school that I know is right for my family. I speak and see friends from the old school and I feel so sad everytime. I know how silly I'm being but I cannot get this out of my head, I keep thinking to put him and his brother back on the waiting list but is there any point? I think I may go crazy if he doesn't go back, I overly worry about anything negative they say about their school I beat myself up constantly for the past and future. For my health I think I need to move him back (he has lots of friends still at the school and the teachers are completely wonderful I know he would love being back there it's just the move I don't think he wants to go through again and he has a small group of close friends who do make him happy) I know I have made this go way out of proportion but I think I will go insane if I don't have others input on this. Thank you for reading my essay. And I know this isn't a big issue in life, but no matter how many times I tell myself this it keeps haunting me. 6 more years at the school, my boys will no longer be 'boys' i think this is really precious time.

People are often reluctant to criticise a school their children are currently in. It depends on who asks me and about what, and probably what mood I'm in , exactly what I say to people who ask. If I don't know someone well, I'm less likely to say negative things too.

Plus people can be happy with something and then something changes which makes them look closer and they realise they're not happy in loads of ways.
One person I know jumped through loops to get her dc into this particular school half an hour walk away rather than the one at the bottom of their road. It was the best school ever for the dc for 4 years. There were a few things came up in conversation which raised my eyebrows in behaviour and academically, but if I ever made slight probings I was told it was such a brilliant place. Then came the sudden fail at Ofsed. I was assured it was entirely unfair Ofsed, nothing was right about the report and of course they were sticking. I read the report and winced. It was really damning and things that mattered too. Through the next year I heard reports about how the head/governors were saying Ofsted was totally wrong and resigning over it. I tried gently saying with the report, which slammed them both, they were almost certainly pushed, but was told the school was as strong and brilliant as ever and the children loved it.
One Thursday night the ds came out of school complaining about the teacher. Turned out to be a supply teacher. When they asked to speak to the class teacher they were told there wasn't one and there hadn't been one for some time and no one had applied.
They then looked more carefully at the Ofsted and other things round the school... and were in a new school on the Monday.

So the friend wasn't necessarily setting you up.

But I wouldn't move again. I know parents who move their dc because it's not perfect. And the new school is perfect for a while, and then the same niggles creep in.
It's unsettling for the children and they also tend to get in the mindset that something has to be perfect or it isn't good enough. And for things like schools there will always be some things you aren't happy.

You are thinking about it all too much. He's happy and he's doing better academically so just relax. There is no perfect school. They all have their issues. The school he goes to is his school now. Take him, pick him up, listen to him read, go to sports day and enjoy him.

I agree with Savoy you need to stop overthinking it. It doesn't matter that much which of the 2 schools he goes to. Overthinking led you to move him, it's now done so learn the lesson chill out and get on with it.

I've always been about people moving kids around personally but at the end of the day meh it's just a primary school.

And witchend OFSTED can be unlucky/ largely nonsense. It may be your DC's school that gets a dodgy one next...... All it needs is a bad years SATS and an incompetent HT.

Better the devil you know.

Increasinglymiddleaged It can be nonsense. It can be that they picked a bad day. It can be that the style of the school doesn't go with the inspectors ideas-apparently the head inspector chooses who comes with him, which I suspect means they tend to choose people like them.

However in this case several of the main points were facts such as the SATs results had fallen steadily for 5 years to far below the national average and the governors/head put out a statement that says along the lines of "one year's bad results due to a couple of children only..." you suspect that the comments of the governors having not a clue about the school and not being prepared to act is probably correct.

Only after she'd moved the dc did she actually look back and the report and realise how true it was.

This is nothing to do with ofsted

Teacher and parent here of dc who moved. He is fine where he is. No school is perfect. Forget about the other school as it had issues especially one boy being mean constantly. Leave it now and move obn with your life. If you cant leave it see GP about anxiety.
Read to your dc. Play word games and just enjoy their childhood. They will be fine.

Hi,
This all sounds very traumatic for you.
How far apart are the schools as I got a little confused when you said you couldn't live opposite the old school?
Also, is there a better feeder secondary school for either school as I would focus on that.
Not ideal but if there aren't any places at the moment come year 3 you may be granted a place, you have one in year 1 and is the other in reception now then?

They are not too far apart, I lived about a mile from the first school and the school they are in now is about 1.2, the house I love and we have brought (was going to rent) but would love to move in myself, is just near the first school, but considering how I am I don't think I can live that close.
Neither are feeder schools, although if I moved to the house I would be a catchment for a good secondary school although I'd like to keep him with his friends in secondary school so I don't know if I would go for that.
My eldest has just started year 2 and my youngest has just started reception. I thought of a possible move in year 3 however my youngest would have then potentially developed strong friendships 🤔

This really sounds like nothing to do with the schools or your child's happiness and more about you and your feelings.

What's going to stop you, if you moved him back, so then thinking you'd made another horrible mistake and wanting to move him back? If your kid is happy and doing well then that's all you need to know.

it wasn't until I read your "I don't think I can live that close" comment above that the alarm bells went off for me. The way you're feeling really isn't about schools. Go and get yourself some help as being this obsessive and anxious over any school is going to affect the way your children feel about it.

I really believe it's their happiness that had made me so fixated on this. I know 100% I made the wrong decision the other school is far better in so many ways. He had so many friends at his old school. I feel it's the best place for both of them. It's just the fact he now does not want to move and the places came along a bit too late. He wanted to move back for a long period of time. I know if he was back there he would be very happy. The reason I don't want to live close is because it makes me sad that I made my son so sad with the whole moving process and that I messed up placing them both somewhere not as fit for them. Its just a daily reminder

I really feel for you.
My mum had a similar experience to what you describe and never settled until she got me back into the previous school.
It was slightly easier though as schools weren't as over subscribed back then and i had no siblings to consider.
What consfuses me though is you must have been really upset with the first school to uproot initially?
What were those reasons?
Could you focus on them to remember why you moved in the first place? X

It takes a lot to move a child from a school (I have done this recently). There must have been some pretty serious reasons for you to have moved your DS. It could just seem the grass is greener on the other side.

Schools can change enormously in a short space of time. It takes just one new head teacher to come along and you can go from a wonderful school to an awful one very quickly, then all the experienced teachers rapidly leave. This could happen at old school.

Also don't underestimate negative reactions from parents at the old school. Some people take it very personally when people move their children- it is like you are criticising their choice. I was accused by one parent of "dumping them"!

I wouldn't change back to the old school. If there are things you are unhappy about, then try and get involved with the PTA to get things done which have been promised. Throw yourself into the new school and help make positive changes there.

I'm trying to say this kindly but you need to get over this. All your anxiety will only ensure they become anxious children and adults. From an experienced teacher's point of view, the children from families who care tend to do well no matter which school they are at. Do what you think is right but then sit back and leave him to have a normal education; good days and bad days are perfectly normal. He'll fall out with friends, have a teacher he doesn't like one year, they'll lose PE kits, they won't change reading books one week. All normal.

You have made a choice and you now need to accept that it's done and live with it and make the best of it.

As others have said, all of this self-doubt is gnawing away at you and it will affect your kids even if you don't voice it. You need to make the most of the option you now find yourself with. Look for the positives, work with the school to resolves any issues and speak positively about the school frequently to your kids and yourself. The grass can always be greener, but we live with the choices we have made and must make the best of them.

FWIW I moved my child to another school. We were on the waiting list for a couple of schools and then a place came up in one and we moved him. And then about 3 weeks later, a place in one of the others also came up....and it was my very top choice. Oh the agony....and my DH told me to get a grip and stop considering a other move. We had made a choice and we needed to live with it. And he was right. Switch off from the 'might have beens' and live in the now. Remember that comparison is the thief of joy. You have been robbed of joy and now need to stop comparing and make the most of what you have.

It sounds like your anxiety and the school move are two separate things. Sorry not read the whole thread in detail, but are you getting any professional help with it? If your son is doing well where he is I would leave him there. Once you are feeling stronger emotionally, you can take stock again in a calmer more objective manner. Nowhere is perfect, so don't beat yourself up. You did what seemed like the best thing at the time.

If your son is happy where he is , that's all that matters. I would leave him there , now.

Some children do come out of school bursting about what they've done all day, and will give blow-by-blow accounts; others just actually can't remember and will say "nothing" or remember the least positive aspect of the day, giving a false impression. That doesn't mean they're not happy. My daughter was like the former, my youngest son, the latter.

I'm slightly confused by the fact you have an issue with playground equipment not materialising yet. These things sometimes take time to arrange. Perhaps the budget for it is tied up somehow, or in the process of being made or chosen? I'm sure at some point it will turn up if she has said they are getting it .

Surely if you took the house that is opposite your old school then you would be straight to the top of a waiting list to get back in?

So strange you said that yesterday cakecrumbs, they rang to say there has been one place in year 2 come up!....however no spaces in reception. I know I could wait for a reception place but another thing to add to this is my neice is also in reception with my other son and my sister really doesn't want them split up, she would also move her daughter...chances of two reception places becoming available of the same time as a year 2 is pretty much zero so I guess my choice is made up for me 😕

Children move all the time, even at over-subscribed ones. Take the Y2 place, your other DS will have sibling priority and get a place soon enough. Your niece can move when another space becomes available. I'm not sure why you would base your whole decision around whether your niece has a place or not? It's up to your sister whether she wants to pursue another school.

I moved my child back to his original school - it took a school year but was totally worth it and I haven't given it anymore thought since (other than to be grateful). But if you have decided against this then you really need to draw a line under it and move on.

To be honest she chose the school because my boys were there, the three of them are very close. I would feel completely awful separating the little ones. I also have my eldest not wanting to move although as ive said i definately think he would thank me in the long run. Did your ds want to do the move back?

TBH he was happy with either and the break of the summer helped. He slotted straight back in like he'd never been away!

I should have definately taken the places before the holidays after the 6 weeks would have been the perfect time to start..if only he said he wanted to. Can I ask your reasons for wanting to move your son back? I know everyone's circumstances are different but it's good to know it's not just me who had this dilemma.

Also think it's ridiculous to base any part of this decision on what your sister is doing, regardless of whether she chose the school because of you or not.
Your children's long term happiness comes first and that should be the end of it.
I agree with the others, if you don't feel settled now it's unlikely you ever will.
Move your eldest back and your younger son will be top of the list.