Clever but lazy son - possible HFASD

[Moanyoldcow]

My son is starting Reception next week and I'm pulling my bloody hair out. I cannot get him to do anything he doesn't 'feel like' even if he can do it standing on his head.

We were just practising writing his name and he was just refusing to grip his pencil. He was basically tickling the paper with the pencil and I just lost my temper (inwardly).

He won't practise his phonics. He knows most of the the phonemes and can sound and segment quite long words. He won't practise at home though - he only shows interest when we're out and he wants to sound out signs and other people's books etc.

I cannot get him to draw ANYTHING and I'm just beside myself.

Earlier in the summer our CM had suggested getting him assessed for ASD and SPD but a lot of the traits she was concerned about have gone now so it would appear SOME we're immaturity.

I will still talk to the teacher about whether she suspects ASD (school has a specialist department) but in the interim how on earth can I get him to display some of his knowledge? And apply himself?

I feel utterly sick of it all to be honest and just see years of being dragged into the school because he's so unengaged.

@brillotic thanks for your response.

It's definitely a universal pack.

A lot of it he is able to do and some not but he's very reluctant to do things he doesn't want to. His nursery teacher adored him and was. Try kind and patient with him (he adored her too) but she agreed that if he wasn't interested nothing was going to engage him.

I expect him to be stretched and to not be able do everything but this starter pack just seemed so vast and it felt like this was the baseline they expected.

They expect us to show up with a load of completed bits and pieces (pictures, model Caterpillar, a booklet showing his name practise, some maths exercises) but after having this thread I've decided I'm saying 'fuck it' and they get what they get.

I'll say it to the teacher slightly differently though!

I think I have finally heard it all now! Utterly ridiculous. Your DS sounds lovely, surround him with love and everything else will fall into place.

I love the teachers' strategy of getting the parents to do their work. Scandalous!

I've just been texting a friend whose son is going into Reception in s different borough. NO preparation at all. Literally nothing.

I'm really starting to feel angry now.

I'm a reception teacher at a school with an attached nursery. The sort of things we give as suggestions to the children moving into Reception are things like:

Put own coat on and have a go at doing it up.
Sit and listen to a short story.
Go to the toilet as independently as possible, including wiping bottom.
Take shoes and socks off and put them on again.
Play a turn-taking game.

Recognise (NOT WRITE) their name.

The list you've been given sounds completely nuts and utterly inappropriate for the majority of the children going into my class. We achieved above the national average at the end of Reception last year.

Just ignore the list.

Gosh - that List made me cross. You have years of homework and support of school ahead. The thought that a ludicrous task like that should be expected of parents over their last summer before school is a shocker.

Watch out of ludicrous homework demands and be ready to be firm about not doing it if you feel it is causing problems with your son for his stage of development. Do the reading - this is v important at home - but don't get sucked into worksheets for writing and maths or any age-inappropriate fuss like that. Your son sounds astonishingly like my ds2 at that age (down to the food, noise, reluctance to draw/colour) and if that similarly holds up you will busy in reception getting him settled with getting with the programme generally- that will be the real target for the year.

And get ready for some stupid rows about colouring in - it is staggering how threatening some Early years teachers find a child who insists in working in monochrome !

Thank you littlefish and Michael - I'm really quite cross now.

As far as I understood reading to kids at home was the most important thing and we've been doing that from a few months old because we love it and he does too.

I do feel a bit hard done by though, I'd love a few pics for my fridge!

Thanks again for the reassurance. I'll be talking to the teacher in the first week for sure.

This school sounds bonkers and totally unrealistic tbh.

The early years guidelines are for reception to be about learning through play.

We got a list of stuff our child should be able to do. It was to do with being able to dress themselves and use the toilet on their own!

We've been asked to do one piece of preparation - for our child to put on a piece of paper on what they like (so the teachers can incorporate their interests into lesson planning. They can write, draw or cut and stick it and parents can help - so no pressure and all abilities catered for.

I would be concerned that a school that makes you feel under so much pressure before you even start may be putting the kids under similar pressure at school.

Morning User - yes, it's a State School.

As it goes, I actually work for an independent prep school but I'm the Finance Manager so have no clue about curriculum etc. I had the option of sending him there but even with the discount fees would be prohibitive and there's no way I could afford private senior fees.

I'm going to talk to the head of early years tomorrow and ask her about pre-requisites too.

I just wondered, are all those universal pack of expectation optional or compulsory?
Before my ds started school, at the new parents' meeting, HT had a talk about what we should be doing during summer. Some of them are way beyond for some kids, but ok for some, and it was all optional.
At our school, homeworks are all optional in KS1. So they set it from very early on, but you are not obligated to do them if the child doesn't want to, even in YR2.

Username, if you don't mind me asking, how did it come to get him diagnosed? My ds is similar to OP's ds. Your comment made me wonder, " there's something there". That's what I feel. But anybody I ask says he looks perfectly normal, just quirky personality. Like your ds, he is also confident, strong minded, articulate and very sensitive, but definitely has social interaction issues, even though he is happy and popular at school.

He may or may not have ASD, but I would stop worrying about can he draw an animal, write his name etc. He is 4. Focus on minimising any stress around starting school. Year R is all about getting to grips with being in a school environment. Plenty of time for the academic side.

Thank you, User. I think my ds is very similar. And even though he is quite happy at school, he sometimes says that sometimes he feels like nobody really "get" him, and makes me feel a bit sad. I just have to keep supporting him. Thanks!

That's really interesting User - lots of similarities but also a few differences with my son.

The wariness, cautiousness and love of transport is exactly like my son. He's also very articulate and he's very interested in u usual things for his age - planets, parts of the body, geography etc.

He's staring to join in though and there's no hitting at all. He can deal with simple games and turn taking (pop up pirate etc) but bigger games and team sports overwhelm him quite considerably.

He's a different kid with older children though. His 7 year old cousin is lovely with him and keeps him occupied for hours whenever they play games.

Now I know 'the list' is bonkers I've literally ignored it - we're going in with nothing. Regarding the ASD I'll see what the teacher thinks in a few weeks once he'd settled down.

Thanks User - I'm so glad so many of you persevered with me and realised I wasn't a pushy nightmare - my OP makes me seem like a looney.

I just want him to enjoy school more than I did at his age. I have memories of being utterly bored for all of primary school and had barely any friends but because I was achieving well academically no one really cared.

I will definitely update you. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

Is this an academy school?

Is the list what they actually expect by the end of the term

Another one here with a DS like user's.

We ended up with a diagnosis because of his food issues which led us into contact with SL&T services. I had specifically asked about aspergers in YR, Y1 and Y2 - the school remained on the fence and muttered about issues related to parenting. In nursery he wasn't interested in peers and wouldn't engage in things he wasn't interested in, but he has improved every year - although he is always socially and emotionally immature compared to his peers. He becomes uncooperative and annoying when faced with a difficult task rather than ask for help or just have a go. I think he is not very nice to teach (speaking from personal experience trying to bribe, persuade, discipline and beg him to do non-preferred activities). Writing and drawing have been avoided for years. He also has friends and is asked to parties but makes subtle social mistakes mainly visible only to peers. So school couldn't see any particular problems - I think they had decided that I was a pushy parent who was forcing her son to do academic work while ignoring social skills as he is exceeding expectations in most areas apart from writing. However people experienced with ASD can see the differences with pragmatics and other interactions which are indicators of future trouble. They can see the slight balance and motor problems; the hypermobile fingers and the poor pencil grip in a way that teachers are not trained for. They can test for central coherence and other indicators which affect kids as the academic work becomes increasingly more sophisticated. Luckily for us SL&T offered us an assessment several times (and as I was fed up having my parenting called into question) so we eventually, reluctantly, accepted. He now has an ASD diagnosis and since July an EHCP with top up funding. He doesn't need one-to-one but he does need quite a bit of support and subtle accommodations. I wanted the EHCP predominantly for choice of secondary school so we can get him into an ASD friendly environment. I now have lots of friends with older kids and the secondary transfer is very difficult so it is worth planning ahead if you have nagging doubts.

irvine and moany if you want to get another opinion on your child see if you can self-refer to your S&LT service for a view on "Social & Communication" issues. They may be able advise on whether to pursue a full ASD assessment and how to do it in your area. Call up your local centre and you should be able to discuss what is available over the phone.

Tartan - that's so interesting - thank you for sharing.

We had a SALT assessment owing to food issues and nothing was especially concerning but they said I could go back later so I'll contact them.

We had some Occupational Therapy and they identified some hypermobility but not much else. I'm also hyper mobile so I think that alone wasn't enough.

All in all he's confused everyone he's seen.

His nursery teacher said he progressed so much she was no longer concerned by the end but then the CM mentioned her concerns so it's just a massive head-fuck frankly.

I'm going to give him a few weeks to settle and see how the land lies.