Clever but lazy son - possible HFASD

[Moanyoldcow]

My son is starting Reception next week and I'm pulling my bloody hair out. I cannot get him to do anything he doesn't 'feel like' even if he can do it standing on his head.

We were just practising writing his name and he was just refusing to grip his pencil. He was basically tickling the paper with the pencil and I just lost my temper (inwardly).

He won't practise his phonics. He knows most of the the phonemes and can sound and segment quite long words. He won't practise at home though - he only shows interest when we're out and he wants to sound out signs and other people's books etc.

I cannot get him to draw ANYTHING and I'm just beside myself.

Earlier in the summer our CM had suggested getting him assessed for ASD and SPD but a lot of the traits she was concerned about have gone now so it would appear SOME we're immaturity.

I will still talk to the teacher about whether she suspects ASD (school has a specialist department) but in the interim how on earth can I get him to display some of his knowledge? And apply himself?

I feel utterly sick of it all to be honest and just see years of being dragged into the school because he's so unengaged.

I agree the work is ridiculous OP.

I worry a little that this will be a school that gives lots of homework, which btw was limited to 10 mins reading a day in our Reception.

@titsywoo

I'm not convinced myself but there are a few flags. I suspect an awful lot is immaturity but he's quite confusing to his teachers.

He is achieving academically and above expected levels in reading and maths according to this mad school (he was in the nursery before).

He's obsessed with cars and for a while it was impossible to get him to show interest in anything else. However, that's changed over the past month or so.

He seems to have some sensory issues with food and was eating about 8 things BUT again, over the summer we've managed to introduce about 3 new foods successfully.

He complains about how loud nursery is, but is okay with a bit of warning and at home has no problem if it's Gangnam Style blaring at top volume.

He's not super keen on his peers and doesn't seem to make friend's in the same way as others, but he does play with them and like them. He adores older children and can be led in play by a kid of 6/7/8 for hours with no incident at all.

A little bit of stimming but not very much.

On the other hand, he's extremely sensitive to emotions, can read my facial expressions very well 'mummy - why are you doing your confused face?' and he can express himself 'I'm feeling so frustrated with this' etc.

No issues with routines and changes etc. Completely unconcerned with holidays, new houses and people etc.

So I just don't bloody know! All I know is the teachers have made me feel like he needs more support and now I'm just not sure it's true.

Well it's hard to say to be honest. With my son it became more apparent that something was a bit "off" but it wasn't until year 3 that we decided an asd assessment might be a good idea. School never suggested it or had any idea it was asd. It presents so differently in kids that sometimes it only becomes clear as they get older. I'd just say see how he goes and try not to worry :) It'll be ok whatever happens.

What do the teachers think he needs support with?

Attention and concentration mostly. Again, I just thought that's what 4 year olds were like...

I'll just see what happens.

Hopefully he'll settle into Reception reasonably well and I won't have too many issues. As long as he's happy I really don't care. I just don't want teachers making mountains out of molehills.

Sound like he is doing fine OP. hopefully by the end of Reception he will have matured enough for you to make a judgement on the ASD.

"They expect them to recognise basic shapes and count sides and corners.
^*
They should be able to put numbers 1-20 in order. If you give them a selection of random numbers they should be able to put them in order.

I just don't think that's realistic.

Plus the fucking Caterpillar.^"*

Did the school he's starting set this work or his nursery? Those are expectations for the end of reception not a prerequisite to starting!

Many children will be starting reception not having done any phonics in nursery

Your description of your ds sound really similar to my ds when he was at your ds's age, except for stemmering, he was selective mute instead. Has hyper focus on his interest, but very stubborn and wouldn't do anything if he doesn't want to. But this seemed to be different at school.
He was never diagnosed, but we always kept eye on it.
It was flagged up as a concern quite early(at age 2), so we did lots of courses for children during nursery years. Basically we attended everything that was offered by nursery/la/ gp .
He is 9 now, and still has tendencies, but otherwise quite normal child from other people's eyes. I always spoke concern and asked the teacher if they suspect ASD/adhd.
Rec teacher said she couldn't say, but keep an eye on it. Yr1 teacher seemed to connect the dots with his personality , quirkyness and academic ability
By yr2, teacher strongly said "no". And yr3,4 teachers were the same.(though I still suspect he is boaderline)

Sensitivity to emotions are still the same. He can see tiny facial expression so clearly .Also can get affected quite strongly by things( stories, music, scenary, etc.) and get teary easily, so sometimes it's draining for us. Still sensitive to textures so don't like anything new to eat, can't stand tags on clothes etc.
But at school he is very happy and not having difficulties as far as I know at age 9.

Oh, forgot to say, concentration is still a problem, he can drift into his own world sometimes, but not as big problem as to get massive concern from teachers.

Hi, I taught reception last year and we tested them on names and whether they could cut and draw their families and if they could count/recognise/order up to 20. Plenty of them couldn't do it and some just didn't have that attention span being so young. It's nothing to worry about! By the end of reception, they had all progressed immensely and could do it. If he can't/won't do it, chances are he will start when he is ready and if there is something more to it, now that he is in school you can investigate further. Don't worry! Same goes for managing emotions; the British school system expects a lot from people born only 4 years ago :)

This sounds like "crazy London schools" territory. (My sister has 3 in London state schools, and not in a particularly parent-pushy area as far as I can tell)

I'm another with a child at prep (SE but not London!) who didn't remotely do those things prior to reception. Admittedly mine's got a July birthday and I'd taken my eye off the ball somewhat (full time research student at the time) in his preschool year, expecting his nursery to have been doing the kind of things I saw them doing as school preparation when his sister was there.

He couldn't begin to write his name and in fact had got a "hang up" about it being "too hard" from somewhere. His granny sorted him out over the Christmas holidays ... That and convincing him blending basic sounds wasn't difficult. He read most of Roald Dahl by the end of year 1 and moved onto his "autobiographies" in year 2!

We've eventually had ASD suggestions - not definitive - but didn't think about it at all back then. (He's now entering the scholarship class in year 8 which is a whole different ballgame - and please note this is the FIRST summer with homework expected!)

OP, you do what feels right for your son. If it doesn't sit well with you then you'll know, trust your instinct. Like Zohz said they expect a lot from them, IMHO too much.

For reference, my DS starts reception tomorrow (eek) and all the school have asked is that he be completely self caring in terms of toileting, dressing, and feeding, and that he recognises (note, not even able to write) his own name. He has been attending the nursery there and yes, they have been doing phonics with him, but that's because he is September born and expressed an interest in it, not because it was required. He hates drawing, he can write his name but it's very haphazard and he is incredibly fussy (hates anything that isn't pasta or pizza). I have no concerns and I don't think you should either.

For drawing, my ds said he wants to draw but don't know how to once. I got him some art books for children showing how to draw animals/flowers/buildings etc., and he loved it. Now he is very artistic and won few art prizes over the years. If your ds is one who is driven to learn if interested, giving him right resources can affect very much.

Instead of bringing in a drawing or model of a caterpillar could you send in a photo of him finding one outside? (probably too late now so maybe a butterfly and an explanation of how you discussed the butterfly was once a catterpillar). Or a pretend caterpillar/ Very Hungry Catterpillar? Will he draw with chalks on the pavement/patio instead of on paper?

@mrz - nursery handed the pack out for the kids going up to Reception as it's all at the same school.

Thank you everyone - I feel much more reassured now. It seemed so much and I just felt like it must be my fault if he couldn't do this things because I didn't put the time in with him.

We'll just carry on with the slime!

He's a lovely and funny and clever little boy and I'm glad you all gave my head a wobble before I ruined that by drilling him with all this stuff.

'We'll just carry on with the slime!'

Yes, this x a million! It'll all be ofsted crap. Let him play and be self-directed, that's what encourages the basis for later learning.

It's not Ofsted it's a pushy school (or teacher who wants to impress reception colleagues)

Those expectations seem nuts! Thinking back to my own childhood, I started school able to recognise my own name but nothing more. (My parents had been advised to read lots of books with us but leave reading tuition to the school.) I turned out to be no slouch, academically (I have an Oxbridge First) despite what by today's standards seems to have been a very slapdash time in early years, playing with mud and dolls ;-) Don't fret, OP.

In all seriousness, regarding your concerns about possible SEN, everything you list would also be consistent with very high learning potential, including the highly focussed interests, preference for older friends, annd sensory and emotional sensitivities. Don't overlook that possibility. With regard to your original post, I am pretty sure that as an intuitive reader who progressed from barely knowing the alphabet at rising 5 to chapter books by 7, phonics would have driven me insane. I refused to draw and write at your son's age and this happens with some bright kids. I couldn't achieve what was in my mind's eye as my fine motor skills hadn't caught up with my brain, so I just refused to bother, and preferred playing with Lego, which cooperated with my fingers better than pen or pencil. Things aren't always what they first seem.

'We'll just carry on with the slime!'

• an imaginative freethinking child is what's important.

Thankyou Samsara - he's deffo free-thinking.

@ceara - family who look after him are always telling me he seems very clever so I'll keep an eye for the things you suggest.

Over-excitabilities

If the nursery is attached/linked to the school, and the school has those expectations for new reception entries, then it's likely he'll be ahead in those academic areas, it's those academic areas that were focused on, whereas the average kid at the age would've had no focus at all on it.

Glad to hear you've relaxed about it.

Is it possible that not every child was given the same 'summer homework pack', in other words, that this is differentiated homework for your child?

If that is the case, I think you can relax about him 'being able to do the things but not showing his ability'. Clearly, he has been showing the nursery teachers in some way that he can (nearly) do this stuff. I think many children will happily try to impress the teacher whereas they can't be bothered with their parents at home. (Other children are the opposite and will be able to do much more at home than they show their teachers.)

There are parents at our school that demand more homework for their children, stuff like spelling lists to learn because their children enjoy the competition of the spelling tests. I am pleased the school/teachers have so far resisted that pressure. They caved in a bit with the Y2 SATS where half the parents demanded more practice papers whilst the other half thought that one to familiarise the children with the format was plenty. I can imagine that some teachers/schools would give homework for children leaving their nursery school to enter their reception purely to keep the parents of their backs. Our Y2 teachers was happy to oblige those parents that wanted more practice papers but was clear to the others that she did NOT expect every child to complete them all.

If your child can indeed do those things but is 'lazy' i.e. refusing to do any of it at home, and the 'homework' is indeed differentiated, then the positive thing you can take from this is that the school has recognised your child's ability and is happy to differentiate for him; and that your child does not hide his abilities at school.
Clearly he has learned these things at school rather than at home from you hothousing him, so that is another sign that the school are on the ball and making sure he makes progress despite being beyond where he needs to be age-wise.

So not all is terrible here, potentially. I'd have a word with the school to check their expectations regarding homework - maybe the homework is generally more of a suggestion rather than a requirement?

If, in contrast, you feel the expectations (academically, or in terms of concentration span etc) are too high for your child (your OP suggests he is able but unwilling, rather than that the work is too challenging per se) then by all means chat to the teacher about their expectations and prepare to take the pressure off at home. As many PPs have pointed out, these expectations go way beyond beginning of reception.