Clever but lazy son - possible HFASD

[Moanyoldcow]

My son is starting Reception next week and I'm pulling my bloody hair out. I cannot get him to do anything he doesn't 'feel like' even if he can do it standing on his head.

We were just practising writing his name and he was just refusing to grip his pencil. He was basically tickling the paper with the pencil and I just lost my temper (inwardly).

He won't practise his phonics. He knows most of the the phonemes and can sound and segment quite long words. He won't practise at home though - he only shows interest when we're out and he wants to sound out signs and other people's books etc.

I cannot get him to draw ANYTHING and I'm just beside myself.

Earlier in the summer our CM had suggested getting him assessed for ASD and SPD but a lot of the traits she was concerned about have gone now so it would appear SOME we're immaturity.

I will still talk to the teacher about whether she suspects ASD (school has a specialist department) but in the interim how on earth can I get him to display some of his knowledge? And apply himself?

I feel utterly sick of it all to be honest and just see years of being dragged into the school because he's so unengaged.

Thanks Herewecome - I'll do exactly that.

"but the school have said he should write him name unassisted, draw a picture of the animal that is his class name, a load of reading exercises" how experienced is the teacher? IMHE there will be many children starting reception who can't do those things

Another one saying that list sounds bonkers!

My DS is starting reception next week, Dec birthday.
For comparison:
He can write and read his name but I don't make him, he's been interested in it mainly from doing it at nursery. He knows some letters and their sounds. He has done some phonics at nursery and will occasionally tell me what the sound/action is at home but we don't practise at home. I'm a teacher but KS2 so I don't really have a clue about FS and I'm of the opinion that I don't want to put him off learning by making him do 'work' at home. He can say the sounds in a word like cat but can't really blend it together yet to read the word. He certainly wouldn't be doing reading exercises! He won't hold a pencil correctly which worries me slightly but he's very stubborn and won't take any guidance from me - I'm assuming if his teachers show him the proper way he'll do it straight away!

His interests are superheroes, dinosaurs, poo jokes and running around like a loon! He does like drawing but will only really draw superheroes.

Your DS sounds like a normal four year old to me.

Also I would say that my DS, although a good eater, is getting fussier and reluctant to try new textures. I don't think he has ASD though, I just think he's four and awkward! That's not to say your DS doesn't have ASD, but based on what you've said I don't think it sounds too worrying or unusual.

Patchwork - thanks so much for your reply - it's really helpful to hear this stuff.

I don't want to be drilling him in this stuff - I feel like he should just be playing but you see these lists and I start to think I'm just failing him.

I'm going to sit with him tomorrow after lunch when he's calm and we'll just spend 10 mins doing a few bits and I'll leave it there.

Really appreciate all of the responses, especially from teachers.

Bloody hell. There will be children who finish reception only doing some of those things. They are far too young for all of this.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, you have written suggests ASD to me.

FWIW, my starting school list was

• child can normally judge when they need to go to the toilet
• child can use toilet independently
• child can recognise name

I can't remember if it was on here or on FB but I saw a lovely post where someone (quite rightly) suggested that a new starter in Reception only ought to be able to concentrate enough to sing Happy Birthday.

Balfe - seriously - I was starting to think I was going mad. To me and my friends with kids the same year he seems like them and none of them see anything out of the ordinary.

My MIL thinks that hes just like her other son (my son's uncle).

But after constantly being told how he has trouble concentrating and calls out when he's excited like it's not usual you start to worry.

If I can use your list then we're fine (although his wiping technique could do with some work!!)

That list seems particularly unrealistic. Does it say the children will be working towards those targets once the begin reception, or that they have to already be able to do them?

I fretted about my pfb's ability and willingness to do phonics/numeracy/writing, and it was so stressful because he just wasn't interested at 4/5 years old. I'm much more relaxed with dc2 as pushing them just causes stress and possibly a future aversion to school work. National curriculum expectations of little people are far too high.

MattBerry - it's a sort of pack of exercises that they expect you to have done with your child over summer.

They definitely expect the name writing and the SATNIP sounds and being able to sound and spell words with visual clues.

They expect them to recognise basic shapes and count sides and corners.

They should be able to put numbers 1-20 in order. If you give them a selection of random numbers they should be able to put them in order.

I just don't think that's realistic.

Plus the fucking Caterpillar.

I'll be honest, I don't like the sound of your school. That sort of list would really put me off. Sorry :(
I think my DS's school have asked us to try and make sure they can put their own coats and shoes on and wipe their own bums. That's it!

School are cheeky fuckers expecting you to teach him a load of stuff that they should be covering I wouldn't stress.
Ds is similar in that his pencil control/grip is poor. We had to produce a booklet of words and pictures that our child had done for the "meet the teacher" interview at the end of term.
I let ds do them all in felt tip which helped as he found it easier than pencil.
Have you tried getting him to draw a picture on an etch a sketch then photographing it? Or making a painting or collage?

Jesus OP, you need to focus on giving less of a shit what other parents are doing unnecessarily. I can't believe you called him lazy! He's 4 and it's school work he's never had to do before. Give the lad a chance and let the teachers do their job.

We got a pack like that, but due to being on child no3, it went straight in the pile of 'unnecessary thing to ignore' pile.

With ds1 i felt like the worst parent in the world because he couldnt recognise as many letters as his peers and for the whole of reception his reading was below avaerage. By the end of year 1 he had caught up and overtaken most of those peers whose parents were bragging about how advanced their childs reading was in Reception. All the letters/phonics work they did in preschool was repeated in reception anyway. (Ds1 does have ASD/HFA and his reading/phonics/intellectual ability was the least of our worries)

ds2 knew less than ds1 but again caught up just fine.

With ds3, he knows even less than ds2 and quite frankly i know hes a bright, sharp little fella and will pick it up at school. Im not going to stress out both him and me trying to get him to learn letters/phonics etc that will only be repeated in reception again anyway.

So trust your instincts and leave him with his bucket of slime

School sounds batty. Mine went to an outstanding primary and couldn't write their names! DS was still struggling with toileting but they didn't mind.

Well it's all very well sending home a list saying what the children should be able to do when they arrive in reception but it doesn't mean they will!
I'm a primary school teacher. My dd could write her name in capitals and count up to 20 before starting school. That was it.
Over the summer the only thing we practised was how to change in and out of her uniform and pe kit.
She had a brilliant year in reception and achieved really well.
Just encourage him in the things he isn't interested in and don't sweat the rest. The whole point of reception is to get them all at a roughly equal level anyway.

Sorry meant
Encourage him in things he IS interested in

Oh yes and what makes you think ASD? My son was diagnosed at 8 but at 4 the only thing that I can say now was probably an indicator was his unwillingness to interact with his peers. Not being able to concentrate is normal for this age (and older!).

Moany, the thing about ordering numbers (if true, sorry!) either you have misunderstood what they want you to do or you need to have a talk to the head. Ordering non sequential numbers up to 20 is a year 1 Autumn 1 goal. Giving it to pre reception children would be highly inappropriate.

That list is ridiculous my DDs couldn't do much beyond recognition of their own names. Didn't read until year 1!!!

Ds had no interest in doing drawing, painting, modelling etc when he started reception. Couldn't read anything except his name. I'd tried to encourage him but he didn't care.
He went at his own speed and did things when he was ready and in the mood. Long story short, he's an average boy doing fine a couple of years later. His academic career isn't going to be stellar but he is happy, popular and enjoying school.
Try not to worry and remember that a lot of those caterpillars were made by the parents

Teacher here. The school is insane.

@KarateKitten - I clearly don't think he's lazy - I'm just at my wit's end with what is (now) obviously an unrealistic set of expectations from the school - have you read the rest of my comments? Or just my first two posts?

@MaggieSimpson44 - I can assure you I haven't misunderstood. This is the sheet verbatim:

'Practise ordering the cards forwards and backwards
Ask the child to show you the card with 1 more/1 less than a given number
Select 3/4 random numbers - can the child put these in sequence from smallest to largest and the largest to smallest.
Adult to choose a number without the child seeing. Child must ask questions to find out what the number is, Eg. Is it bigger than 10? Smaller than 5?'

There's a whole load more.

Looks like I'll have to talk to the teacher.

DC at a mildly selective Prep here
(Prep selects quite a bit at Yr 3+ but only slightly at Reception to Y2).

Although there were some who could do those things before Reception, I'd say at about half could not.

The thing is, some of the kids who joined knowing only a few numbers and a couple of shapes (for example) and not being able to read any letters or write their name ended up being top set Maths and English after the first couple of terms (when I say 'top set' they were not formal sets, it would be sitting at the top table with differentiated work).

^ probably over half could not actually, for all the requirements.

Sounds totally normal to me from what youve said, and like pp it seems alot to ask for from the school (or teacher) for a four year old! Maybe allowing him to explore what he wants would develop him further than a prescriptive list? Its fine, you know he can do it so theres no problem, him not wanting to is a totally different issue. Dont stress yourself he sounds like a normal little boy x