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Primary education

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Original poster

Email sent to school from another parent re my child

67 replies

Mummypig1973 · 08/07/2017 22:46

Hi,
I'm after some advice...
I received a phone call friday afternoon from head teacher.. she'd had an email sent to her on Wednesday from another parent suggesting that my dd ( age 11, yr 6) was having suicidal/self harming thoughts...
Firstly my dd is fine and not having any thoughts BUT..where do i stand re finding out who has sent this...and advice on what to do..
I know all her friends parents and am gutted that they didn't discuss with me

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 08/07/2017 22:48

Maybe they didn't know how to bring it up, and thought the head might have more experience?

Is your DD definitely OK? Did the head mention anything that's happened at school that fits with this message?

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 08/07/2017 22:50

I don't think you will be entitled to know who said it.

BertrandRussell · 08/07/2017 22:51

I would be wanting a meeting on Monday with your child's teacher and the Head to make sure their perception is the same as yours before I decided what to do next. That really is the most important thing.

andbabymakesthree · 08/07/2017 22:52

You are quick to dismiss it. Maybe this is why they went to head?

Mumofone1970 · 08/07/2017 22:53

Do you think it's malicious?

Original poster

Mummypig1973 · 08/07/2017 22:54

Quick to dismiss what?

OP posts:

Eminado · 08/07/2017 22:57

Firstly my dd is fine and not having any thoughts

How do you know for sure?

FATEdestiny · 08/07/2017 22:57

I think the school have an obligation to tell you (assuming this causes no harm to the child). There may also be some judgement made on how you reacted - did you believe the disclosure, dismiss it, did you seem supportive of your child, did you already know, how do you plan to help/deal with it, are you angry with her.

I am not asking you to answer these things. These will be child protection considerations that the Head will be making.

They will have believed your child in this if she disclosed or they saw evidence of disclosure (like a screen shot of an online conversation). It's the default position. It should be yours too, to be fair.

Who made this disclosure about your child is actually irrelevant. The issue is the disclosure itself.

wasasodnowaceleb · 08/07/2017 22:57

Why is who sent it the important bit to you?

If I didn't know a parent and my child told me a kid was having these thoughts/conversations, I would contact pastoral care. Maybe they don't know pastoral car exists so they contacted the head.

It seems to me your pride and maternal feelings are hurt and you are indignant at this information. Which would make me think perhaps your child wouldn't confide in you. They tell far more to their friends at that age than their parents. Particularly if they are likely to react like you.

I'd want to meet the head, find out details - how they know, what the school think, etc.
Who sent it is irrelevant. Did you call everyone you know asking if it was them? Maybe one of them lied given your offended reaction. You don't seem to have an open mind about this.

NataliaOsipova · 08/07/2017 22:59

I don't think you will be entitled to know who said it.

You might be - under data protection/freedom of information type legislation. Worth looking up if you want to know. I think the cut off age is 12 - after that, you aren't necessarily allowed to see information stored which pertains to your child. I only have a sketchy memory of this, but it's worth investigating if it's important to you to see exactly what was sent. The person in charge of data protection (most likely the Head) may be able to redact the person's name and directly identifying personal details, but if it's someone you know there may be enough to give you a strong clue as to who sent it.

Obviously agree that the most important thing is your DD, though. Glad to hear that she is okay.

Original poster

Mummypig1973 · 08/07/2017 23:01

I chat daily with my children and am fully aware of when they are sad, down, happy, emotional..
The comment maybe was a little flippant in that she is fine.. we chatted for over an hour on the afternoon discussing feelings, emotions, talking about worries so i am confident in my comment but will be following our discussion up on a regular basis..

OP posts:

FATEdestiny · 08/07/2017 23:02

data protection/freedom of information type legislation

This is a child protection issue. Child protection confidently will be maintained. Data protection is irrelevant here

NataliaOsipova · 08/07/2017 23:03

Who made this disclosure about your child is actually irrelevant.

I don't agree; in the OP's shoes, I would want to know. Apart from anything else, it gives a lot of context which would be hugely valuable to help judge what action is appropriate going forward.

NataliaOsipova · 08/07/2017 23:05

data protection/freedom of information type legislation

Genuinely not sure about that; I think it would depend on the exact content of the email as to whether it was a child protection issue or not. And if a data protection type challenge failed, then that would give you some information in itself as to the type of email that was sent, if you see what I mean? I would want to have as much information as possible if I were the OP.

Ketzele · 08/07/2017 23:05

You really don't need to know who emailed. If you know your dd is ok, I would just write it off as someone being well-meaning but getting things really wrong. Maybe there is a depressed child in that class, and someone mentioned it to their parents, who got kids confused and thought it was yours... With no evidence that someone is being malicious, I would just put it down to well-meaning error and leave it there.

HeyRoly · 08/07/2017 23:07

I can't imagine that this would be a malicious report. If I wanted to make a malicious report about a child, making allegations of suicide and self harm would not be top of the list. So I think you need to prove a bit more first.

FATEdestiny · 08/07/2017 23:09

in the OP's shoes, I would want to know

I am sure every parent would prefer to know.

But in order to not scare people off from telling someone if they are worried about a child at risk of harm, confidentially of this kind will be maintained as long as that confidentiality doesn't harm the child.

No-one need let fear of being found out be a reason not to try to protect a child who might be in danger, by telling someone about it.

NataliaOsipova · 08/07/2017 23:10

With no evidence that someone is being malicious

The OP doesn't know that, though. And who sent the email - and what it says - would give her a good steer as to whether it was well intentioned or not. And if she thinks it was meant well, then that gives her a good place to start asking questions and doing things to help her daughter.

Plus - people can be well intentioned and get things very wrong. They can misinterpret a third hand comment or take a solitary incident out of context. One of the mothers at DD's school is like that. She means well, but every little playground incident she witnesses is high drama. So if she told me that my DD had been upset, I'd take it with more of a pinch of salt than if someone else told me the same thing.

FATEdestiny · 08/07/2017 23:11

as to whether it was a child protection issue or not

This is child protection.
It comes under a schools legal obligation to safeguard children.
That is exactly what this is. It is why the head phones.

MajesticWhine · 08/07/2017 23:11

Incredibly difficult to bring it up directly with you, even if they know you well. It doesn't matter who did this really. It's fair to assume it was well intentioned, even if it was inaccurate.

Theworldisfullofidiots · 08/07/2017 23:12

So imagine your dd's friend said something of a similar nature to your dd. Your dd comes home from school and said x said this to me (suicidal thoughts etc). You don't know the family well. Do you a. Do nothing and hope for the best or B. Ring school who have at least (you would hope) a semblance of a relationship with the child. Isn't it good somebody cared enough to do a.
Ring the school and talk to them. It may well be a misunderstanding and I'd be pleased that someone cared enough to be bothered to contact the school.

Onceuponatime21 · 08/07/2017 23:14

I'm a bit drunk, but.... aren't you just grateful that someone else cares about your daughter enough to report this ? chances of it being malicious are very slim, chances of it being well meaning but wrong are hiygher, and chances Of them being right about the same ?

Don't worry about who reported it, worry about why they reported it.... and best wishes to your daughter. Totally hope it was misplaced worry and that she is fine.

But some of my friends weren't fine when they were teenagers, and as a child myself it never occurred to me to tell my parents or theirs. I regret that now. Especially the friend that was groomed and abused by the lodger. That really fucks me off now. I wish I had realised then what I know now. Wanker.

NataliaOsipova · 08/07/2017 23:17

chances of it being malicious are very slim

I'm possibly very cynical, but to necessa. I think it depends very much on the context, which only the OP can judge. But I agree that I'd want to get to the bottom of it, either way, for the sake of my DD.

BrieAndChilli · 08/07/2017 23:18

I'm not sure you can be absolutely sure that your child tells you everything, they are most likely NOT going to tell you these things for fear of upsetting you, children very often say what they want the parent to hear.
It could be that your child is trying to fit in with others, there are lots of 'sucicide games' that are 'cool' and they could just be talking the talk

It could be that another child has these thoughts and has told thier parent it is your DD to test the reaction of an adult

Least likely is an adult has created a malicious report.

Who made the report really doesn't matter
I would not be quick to dismiss this and would keep a very close eye on my child. Did you tell your parents everything you were feeling/thought when you were that age?

NataliaOsipova · 08/07/2017 23:18

....aargh - meant not necessarily....

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