Email sent to school from another parent re my child

[Mummypig1973]

Hi,
I'm after some advice...
I received a phone call friday afternoon from head teacher.. she'd had an email sent to her on Wednesday from another parent suggesting that my dd ( age 11, yr 6) was having suicidal/self harming thoughts...
Firstly my dd is fine and not having any thoughts BUT..where do i stand re finding out who has sent this...and advice on what to do..
I know all her friends parents and am gutted that they didn't discuss with me

I chat daily with my children and am fully aware of when they are sad, down, happy, emotional.

OP - children say things online for attention. It happens. Other children say things and genuinely mean they wish to self harm, but cover their tracks well so make sure mum doesn't know.

It is not unreasonable to think a mum has read something your child said in chat and was concerned about it.

It is reasonable that you would have no clue about this.

It is reasonable that your child is embarrassed about what she said and wants to pretend it never happened and deny what she said.

It's not unreasonable that she felt low at the time, made these self-harm inferences and then within half an hour was feeling fine and completely got over it.

All of these are more likely that another mum/friend is lying about this. No one has anything to gain by lying. It's possible but all the above more likely.

No-one is sugesting you don't talk to your child. But she possibly isn't always completely honest with you. Especially if she is now embarrassed about her behaviour.

The thing is op my dd self harmed a bit at 11/12 I got her some counselling we had a chat. Thought all done. Talked to her chatted to her and thought she was resilient and happy. At 16 she went to the Dr on her own. I got a call about self harm and small o/d's. Dd got progressively worse. As she has got better she has said she thinks she was depressed from about 9.

She is in a much better place now two/three years on. I am a good mum and dd was in a stable happy home. I had no idea.

Please don't just dismiss this. Let your dd be assessed and access help and support if she needs it.

I know you're saying you're going to follow up conversations but do also look out for changes in behaviour etc
I know you're sure she's fine but you wouldn't be the first mum to find out at a later date that they weren't ok and still aren't and have been self harming or planning suicide for months and had no idea.

I haven't looked but there's probably advice online about signs to look out for eg withdrawn, not eating, not socialising, covering arms in the case of self harming. As I say I'm unsure of actual signs but don't just write it off as someone causing trouble or lying or whatever. You don't ever know what's going through a teenagers mind. You can never be 100%.

"I don't agree; in the OP's shoes, I would want to know" you might want to know but the school can't disclose that information to you

It doesn't matter who contacted the head. They won't tell you, and it shouldn't affect how you proceed from here on

Please just focus on supporting your daughter as necessary

Are there any FOI experts? I know you can request any emails that include your dd's name that have been sent to, from and internally.

Overall I'd keep lines of conversation open with dd and if, like you, was confident it was nothing I'd assume dd was having a dramatic moment and other mum found out so was concerned. I'd be grateful they raised it so I could make an informed decision re dd's mental health.

How many newspaper articles report a sad event and the comments from the parents are always along the lines of we knew nothing, there was no warning, s/he was happy at home.

How many adults posting here as teens didn't confide in their parents and put on the fine mask at home?

OP, you ought to be grateful that someone has reported what they think is a huge red flag.

we chatted for over an hour on the afternoon discussing feelings, emotions, talking about worries so i am confident in my comment but will be following our discussion

Is this what your DD wants, because it sounds like complete overkill to me.

It sounds like your children spoke to a classmate and she/he told their parents. They, whoever they are, are doing you a favour by bringing it to your attention. Do not believe what your children tell you. There may be problems you do not know about - bullying etc. Worth arranging an appointment to see the Head who should have called you to talk you personally, not just phoned. I think this needs following up by your child speaking to someone in a care role unless she out and out denies it but at least she will know you have been made aware.

m0ther - it would be a Subject Access Request, and even if the email was released to the OP, the head would be entitled to blank out the details of the person who sent it

You're focussing on the wrong issue.

Your question should be about whether you've missed something with your DD.

I have a dd a little older. She's a chatterbox and always has been. Tells me how she feels and all sorts. I knew she was having little issues with a child in her form, and she was a bit snappy at home, but otherwise seemed her usual happy self.
Last year she came through to my room wearing a short top and I saw a round bruise at the top of her arm. I asked and she said she had bumped it during pe. Without making too much fuss I looked carefully and realised that it was a bite mark.
The next day I found a lot of writing from her saying she was so unhappy she wanted to die.

I was down at the GP with her that evening and she was urgently referred to CAHMS.

Thing is, if she hadn't come into my room with the top on, if I'd believed the bite mark was a normal bruise, if she hadn't written her thoughts down or I hadn't found them, I would not have realised how my dd felt.
Thankfully she was relieved I found the notes. She still doesn't talk much about how she felt then. She'll tell me with great drama all sorts of things-I'd never have thought she out of my children would be the one to hold back on such deep feeling.

Don't just talk to her and assume it's nothing. There were nothing out of the ordinary for dd, and she's one who wears her heart on her sleeve and tells me everything-just not on this occasion.

Good on the person that contacted the school.

It is unlikely that they would have done so without some justification, and they clearly didn't feel comfortable approaching you directly (which seems fair given your reaction).

If someone was aware of something might be going on with my daughter, I'd much rather they contacted someone that would be able to ensure that everything was ok, than just ignore it. Even if it did turn out to be nothing.

As WillowWeeping says, you are focusing on the wrong issue.

I am constantly surprised at the way my DD (similar age) can behave with maturity and insight at home in a way that I am so impressed by. Yet I know she has the capacity to also be having online and playground dramas that I know nothing about - until I find out about them.

She was being bullied at school by her BFF. I was oblivious.

She told the most outrageous and attention seeking stories at school, and I would have known nothing about it - her behaviour at home was completely normal - except another parent mentioned it to me. It turned out the entire school except for me knew about it. This was how I ended up finding out about the bullying, above.

She was completely oversharing personal dramas on WhatsApp, yet, again, at home there was no sign of anything wrong.

I would describe myself as a loving, involved mother, but I have come to realise and accept that my DD has a secretive aspect to her personality.

Just because you have had a conversation with your DD, please don't dismiss the concerns out of hand.

BTW, I have a working knowledge of the Data Protection Act. It is unlikely that you would be able to find out who sent the email, and I agree that focusing on that it somewhat missing the point.

Mummypig1973 I am really sorry but you are indeed totally focusing on the wrong issue.

Whoever contacted the school almost certainly did so because they either saw or heard something or were told about something by their child. Whether this was actually accurately about your child or not, I don't know. The idea that anyone would contact the school to be malicious about this issue seems very unlikely.

If my child (aged 12) told me something about another child I would tell the parent if I knew them well, if not I would tell the school. I think it is totally appropriate for the person who told this to be and remain anonymous. It would be terrible if anyone else decided not to give 'information or act on a hunch' to the school because they felt it could not be treated anonymously.

In terms of your child, they may be fine, or they not. My daughter has expressed suicidal thoughts, they came out of relatively no where and we have a referral to CAMHS. It is dreadfully scary but it is nothing to be ashamed of. I have done nothing wrong as a parent, and my child has done nothing wrong as a child.

I don't talk to all and sundry about it but I have shared with certain good friends, especially ones who have had issues with their kids and will understand. I have certainly shared with her teachers/school nurse etc because it is relevant for them to know what is going on.

What I find worrying about your attitude is that you seen very certain you are right about this, very certain you want to know who contacted the school - I am wondering what you will do with the information, would you approach them?

Plus the very long session of discussing of this issue (over an hour) seems like a bad way to get the truth out of a child and IMHO it is better to talk to them casually over an activity, allowing lots of chances for them to say things without much prompting.

Anyway, I hope your daughter is totally fine, I hope you will start to focus on what may have prompted this (aside from malice) and that all will be well.

CAMHS have spoken to my child and they know she does not have a plan, but she does sometimes feel life is not worth living. I had similar thoughts at 15, I think it is quite normal, even in my twenties when I was on my period I felt so unhappy, took me years to make the link to periods.

Witchend I am so glad that your lovely dd is OK. I wonder if she wore that top, even subconsciously, so you would see the mark, or left her letters in some place that you would find.

Are there any FOI experts? I know you can request any emails that include your dd's name that have been sent to, from and internally

That is data protection, not FoI. The school should either not share the email at all or, at a minimum, redact the name of the sender and any identifying information.

Whilst wanting to know who sent the email is understandable, the OP is unlikely to find out and it is, as others have said, focussing on the wrong issue.

Why do you care about who sent the email. You should care more about if you dd is ok and whether what the email said is true.

Your dd must have a lovely friend who has a caring mother to act on what she has said.

I would be less head hunting and more discussing with school how she is when she is with them and do they have any concerns about her.

I can understand why you would want to know who sent the message - it's natural to wonder - but agree with pps that it's not the issue to focus on.

However, if it's important to you then you could always, when speaking with the Head, ask them to pass on to the emailer that you are concerned and would like to discuss if they would like to get in touch with you. The Head can be the middleman and the line of communication can open if the emailer wishes to. They won't have known how to start this conversation with you but once you are aware of their concern, they may be willing.

But the key focus is definitely your daughter and, like others above, don't be 100% confident that what you're seeing/hearing from her is everything that she is feeling. Children can be remarkably sophisticated in the faces they choose to share at different times, depending on their feelings at the moment.

Hope it all works out.

I was the reporting parent a few weeks ago.

DD shared with me her worries about her friend.
I reported to school, because even though I kind of know the parent (not very well, but I do have her email address/phone number), I know the school Child Protection officer are far, far better equipped to deal with this than I am.

The school acknowledged my report and I have heard nothing since (quite rightly).

If the situation was reversed, I hope I would feel grateful that someone cared enough to do the right thing.

Just be thankful there us someone who cares enough to have contacted the school

Why are you making this into a witch hunt? Someone cared enough about your child's welfare to flag a worry. Naturally it went through the school and naturally they have raised it with you. It doesn't matter who raised the concern. It was raised in an appropriate way.

I chat daily with my children and am fully aware of when they are sad, down, happy, emotional.

With the greatest of respect, you can't know that for certain and it's incredibly naive to think that you do. Some children are practically oscar winning actors when it comes to pretending everything is fine in front of their parents but are really hurting inside.

You're focussing on the wrong thing. Be glad someone did report it so you can talk to the school and your daughter to try and get ahead of any issues.