What would you make of this report?

[m0therofdragons]

Dd and her teacher seem to have clashed this year and last parents evening was the teacher listening her flaws (essentially all mine and dh's due to genetics). She's year 5.

Her report has come home and she is academically doing better than ever. She's usually above expected but is now one higher "well above" which only a few reach in the school. However behaviour wise she's marked really low for not following class rules. Clearly dd is a different dc at school as at home she's incredibly obedient (other 2 dc are not!). Dd likes rules that are clear and fair so it goes completely against her personality to deliberately disobey. I'm not letting her know exactly what it says as I genuinely think she'll be really upset her teacher thinks this of her.

Teacher just said she needs to understand others need help more than her so she has to wait. Dd says whenever she puts her hand up for help she's completely ignored as everyone else in the class needs more help than her. She feels invisible - I wonder if she's being naughty to get attention. She's quiet and focused so is an easy child to just let get on with it iyswim.

Dd loves school and I don't know how to deal with this.

Sorry both incidents are the same one - I was trying to be vague as I don't want to be identified but realised I needed to elaborate to explain better.

Flaws were perfectionist, doesn't like to fail, high expectations of herself, she can be quite a worrier (dh and I have all of these qualities although I'm not a worrier, dh's mum is). We've been working on this all year and dd really feels she's much better at coping with it now she recognises it and teacher also said she has improved.

I don't doubt dd tries to avoid doing things she doesn't want to do but that needs to be dealt with at the time really.

But all those are not flaws, can be good thing too.
My ds is similar, up to a certain degree.

Why do you think the teacher listed as flaws?

Teacher sounds like a numpty

Op I'd completely ignore it for now.
Before she goes back for Y6 just remind her of basic classroom rules and tell her to let you know if there are any problems.
A change of teacher between Y5 and Y6 made my dc into a completely different child.

Flaws were perfectionist, doesn't like to fail, high expectations of herself, she can be quite a worrier

I would take that as 'a child who expects perfection all the time and takes failure personally like a criticism. As a result they can get easily worried and wound up over entirely normal struggles'.

They aren't raising it to be awful and I certainly wouldn't say the teacher is bad here at all. More that children with that approach often end up with fixed mindsets (particularly bright girls) and as they go through school it actually negatively affects them because they feel like struggling is a sign of being thick because 'clever people find the work easy and get everything right'.

Really, what children with that view need is gentle support and encouragement that mistakes and struggling are all part of learning and getting better (not signs of being stupid etc).

They might not have done it the right way, but I think there's good intention there.

I can imagine a child in my class' parents feeling similar to you tbh when they get her report. Shes bright, able and generally a nice girl bit i have closer to 40 than 30 kids in my class, 1 has incredibly difficult behaviour and 4 are working at at least 3 years below age related expectations. I have no TA and have had no input from the school in terms of guidance. The kids have had a rocky year with lots of supply (ive only been here since easter).

Anyway, although this kid is bright and a nice enough girl she is CONSTANTLY chatting but in a disruptive way that means nobody else around her can concentrate. Shes also constantly winding other kids up and then constantly coming and interrupting me mid supporting the other children or dealing with behaviour from another child. I like her but shes a pain.. i can well imagine something similar being the case for your dd (apologies if im way off the mark)

But primary, I'm sure if that's the case you'll be able to TELL the parents that the problem is that she's constantly chatting in a way that prevents other children from concentrating. If you can't directly write that in the report in the first place. So no I doubt the parents will be left feeling puzzled and defensive in the way OP is, because they'll know exactly what the problem is and be able to tackle the issue with their child.

True and i have but as the op suggests, because it is "low level" but persistant and draining (i.e. refusing to follow a simple instruction/difficulty not chatting) it can been seen as petty e.g. she was 'only' picking the balls up rather than playing as she was asked or she was chatting but so were other children - well yes but they werent disturbing others.. it can sometimes be tricky to get the message across to parents, especially as all round the child is bright and not 'naughty' in the usual way. Ime parents tend to brush off low level behaviour as the teacher overreacting or not liking/getting their child rather than understanding how disruptive it can be.

OP im sure your daughter has many many fantastic qualities but she does need to follow instructions properly - it sounds from your examples as though she picks and chooses which bits she follows which can end up being quite disruptive to the rest of the class if its persistant

Having said that if the teacher isnt explaining exactly why shes cross when your daughter isnt doing what the teacher wants, the teacher needs to readdress her communication. Your dd may well not understand exactly what shes doing which can be upsetting for the child too! Does she feel she gets told off often but doesnt know why?

She isn't ever told off. I wonder if dd is not doing what she's asked but teacher is letting it go ignored in class as she's achieving well and other kids need the focus, which I wouldn't blame her for but dd is a dc that you explain expectations to her once and she'll go along with that so long term would make teacher's life easier.

Also been told dd is extremely focused and doesn't let chatter around her distract her, which implies she's not the one chatting - she's not really a chatty giggly girl (unlike dd2).

We are working with her on coping with failure and criticism and would expect that to be flagged in her report. The "flaws" in her character are the reasons dh and I are good at our jobs. I have to be a perfectionist or worst case scenario someone could die. Dh has to be accurate or end up in court/prison. She's not going to change dramatically but I absolutely recognise the need to ease her anxiety and teach her the skills she needs.

Anyway we will wait and see what the next year brings. A lot can change in a summer.