What would you make of this report?

[m0therofdragons]

Dd and her teacher seem to have clashed this year and last parents evening was the teacher listening her flaws (essentially all mine and dh's due to genetics). She's year 5.

Her report has come home and she is academically doing better than ever. She's usually above expected but is now one higher "well above" which only a few reach in the school. However behaviour wise she's marked really low for not following class rules. Clearly dd is a different dc at school as at home she's incredibly obedient (other 2 dc are not!). Dd likes rules that are clear and fair so it goes completely against her personality to deliberately disobey. I'm not letting her know exactly what it says as I genuinely think she'll be really upset her teacher thinks this of her.

Teacher just said she needs to understand others need help more than her so she has to wait. Dd says whenever she puts her hand up for help she's completely ignored as everyone else in the class needs more help than her. She feels invisible - I wonder if she's being naughty to get attention. She's quiet and focused so is an easy child to just let get on with it iyswim.

Dd loves school and I don't know how to deal with this.

I don't think a teacher would 'make up' - report btw- but when I work with organisations and challenging behaviours I find perception is everything. The teacher is clearly perceiving a problem - if she can't describe what it is at all then it may be that she hasn't actually reflected on it at all.

If she wants behaviours to stop she needs to be able to identify them and think about what happened before and after. If she cannot do that then she needs to reflect on whether the child is behaving incorrectly or just pressing her irritating buttons or something.

I would wait for yr6 & see how that goes.

she's marked really low for not following class rules.

This is wrong time of year to fix that, anyway.

Teacher just said she needs to understand others need help more than her so she has to wait.

So teacher is aware that your DD doesn't like waiting.

Dd says whenever she puts her hand up for help she's completely ignored as everyone else in the class needs more help than her.

How your DD feels about waiting seems to exactly what the teacher was aware of.

She feels invisible - I wonder if she's being naughty to get attention.

yeah, that's possible, and seems like the teacher is precisely aware this is what's happening. But doesn't mean it's the right way to react. Feeling ignored is not a good reason to misbehave. By 10 yrs old they need to put up with some boredom.

She's quiet and focused so is an easy child to just let get on with it iyswim.

Except that you said she's also naughty. So not always focused and quiet after all.

Overall whatever her misbehaviour sounds like pretty small beer.

Do you have a parents' evening fairly soon in the new academic year in about October? If so tell them about the report, maybe even take it with you and ask the next teacher to let you know of any problems so you can work on them together.

Have you considered as above about whether she has a growth or fixed mindset?

I'm shocked that there are not one, but TWO posters on this thread ignorant enough to still be pedaling this poisonous snake oil.

please don't listen to anyone talking about "mindsets"

Our school let the children read their reports and then they make their own comment on it before it goes to the SLT and then sent home to parents. Can't imagine how the poor SLT have time to read them all so I suspect there are cases where things aren't noticed but I have always been impressed that there is nearly always a personal comment hand written on there by someone which refers to what the child has felt or whatever.

SO I would discuss the report with her myself. When we get our reports home I sit with each child individually and we look at it together, talking about what they have enjoyed that year, with that teacher and so on as well as the teacher's feedback, marks for effort and so on. IMO this helps them to take ownership of their education to some degree, not sure how to word what I am trying to say.

I know this year my eldest has mentioned in passing that if the higher ability children put their hands up they are ignored until all the others are sorted but she hasn't really mentioned it in a "this bothers me way" more in a "this is what happens which seems a bit unfair but I don't put my hand up anyway" way. I suspect from what she has said it is that some of the others have commented on it and been frustrated by it and I can see why but equally unless the child is seriously in need of attention, like about to vomit on the desk but too scared to run to the toilet without permission, then generally there isn't a reason for them to have to interrupt or call out. If you discuss the report and this with your daughter then she might be able to learn how to deal with frustration in this situation. For what it is worth I do feel that the children should be dealt with generally in the order they request help regardless of where they supposedly are placed within the class. Sometimes the higher achievers can find something hard to and they are no less deserving of having their question answered than a lower achiever who might actually not be struggling too much with that topic. I would remind her that perhaps she needs to go back in September ready to really get on with things. She needs to learn these skills before starting secondary school. Year 6 normally has much higher expectations for behaviour.

My feeling is that by not discussing it you are almost allowing her to behave like this as you are making excuses for her. i am not saying punish her but you really ought to discuss it with her so she can learn to understand why she has been wrong. She needs to take ownership of her behaviour and she can only learn to do this if it is raised with her.

I used to be scared bringing my reports home, they were sealed up and I always knew I would be spoken to very sternly if the comments weren't good! it wasn't a bad thing because I made very sure I did my absolute best at school and therefore the comments were good. the few times they weren't I knew it was my own fault

Actually, our school is similar as nonickname's school, in KS2.
The school let children read their reports. The feedback sheet comes home with reports, and there's section for parents to comment and sign, as well as children, and return to school, that we have read the report.
And drop in session to talk about report if you wanted to.

Completely agree with discussing it but without understanding what I'm discussing I can't really do it other than a general chat about behaviour and others having different needs. I wonder if she doesn't quite comprehend that not everyone gets things as easily as her so we've chatted about awareness.

I've established she definitely doesn't call out in class.

Normally I'd be all for sharing reports, positive and negative. This one however is hurtful without telling the child anything constructive about what to do differently. And OP has been to the consultation and tried to find out the constructive to no avail. In that case I think OP's right to just sit on it, it wouldn't do any good and could do harm.

If you don't know start by asking.

She did ask??

She asked what they suggest parents can do to address the problem ?

It sounds like OP's child is thoroughly well-intentioned and would respond well to a strict talk as long as OP knows what to talk about. I don't think how to address it is the question. Unless you mean "how should I address the problem of your not telling me in what way my child is misbehaving?"

I'm not sure I share that assumption from the information available.

Unless the teacher tells you specifically what she is doing then you can't have a chat.

Hopefully you'll get more out of the school (or things will settle down) next year.

But the report already states that she doesn't follow class rules. Can't wait for her turn, not join in, etc is petty things and each thing isn't a major concern. But her general attitude is.
It could be this year's teacher is too strict/ intolerant. But if not, then she just needs to learn to listen to teacher and improve her general attitude, or she will get same report next year.

"Not follow class rules" could be anything from borrowing other people's pencils to throwing chairs. I'd want more of a clue than that, wouldn't you?

When I was not told in the same situation, obviously I didn't change my attitude one jot and got a perfect report the next year and every other year. Sometimes it actually is the teacher.

"I did ask for examples of her not following rules and he gave one where she went and looked at something minor rather than work^*"

"^ I asked for examples to help me understand but nothing was forthcoming other than dd dislikes PE and rather than join the game dd decided to be ball collector. "*

Aren't these examples of what the teacher perceives as poor behaviour?

That is the same ONE example which OP mentioned twice. Of which the teacher also said "oh well she was happy so I let her carry on", and the child thought she was being helpful. That's it? That's behavioural issues major enough to mark down a usually well behaved child? As a teacher would you honestly feel you'd done your best to explain the problem to the parents if that's all you'd told them?

No those are two separate examples of the behaviour the teacher finds a problem

I think if you read back you'll find OP was elaborating on the same example. The teacher's comment is reported the same both times. OP?

So avoiding work /by looking for something and avoiding PE /by collecting balls are the same incident?
It seems as if the child avoids doing what she doesn't want to do and unfortunately the teacher doesn't insist she does as she should.

Surely this is also a teacher issue too. Maybe after asking she would be better to tell your daughter that she insists that she does the other action, not just ask.
My Ds' is similar, but younger, and his reception teacher has ended up having to insist a few times, just as I have to at home at times.

I agree it is a teacher issue the OPs child should never have been allowed to avoid work/PE in this way. It should have been dealt with immediately before it became a problem.

last parents evening was the teacher listening her flaws (essentially all mine and dh's due to genetics)
What were the flaws that were listed?