Just been hauled into HT office !!!!!! I'm so mad !

[alisonmc]

Hi all,
I hate my DS school! At my DS school I am probably the only parent that actively tries to help DS with his work. We read every night, he likes doing sums and other spelling activities...........so what is the problem - here goes:
a) We as parents "we are working against the school" by showing DS different methods of addition and subtraction, etc (see previous posts);
b) HT is worried about DS socially "does he do any activities outside school, has he got any friends, etc, are we putting too much pressure on him" - felt like saying FO!
c) HT is "very cross that I have obtained past SATs papers and DS has done them - well I might add!"
d) HT had DS in office on Monday for an incident "but was sorted out at the time, so no need to tell you about it" - until today that is !!!!
e) HT wants a meeting with DH & myself "to put us back on the right track!"

How ludicrous can this be ? There are thousands of children that get no help or support with their work, have severe home lives, etc - but a child who has loving and caring parents, great social life and home life is getting all this........

I am absolutely livid !

Why don't you help him get to grips with the new methods, rather than spend the time on the older one?

Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't get why you are spending your time and energy working against the school rather than with them.

I think some of you are giving the OP a bit of a hard time!

My dd does loads of extra-curricular activities, but whenever I suggest cutting back a bit, she gets very upset because she enjoys all of them. An outsider could easily conclude that I am pushing her to do too much - yet she is the one who wants to find time to slot even more things in. She also enjoys doing school work - as did I, when I was little. Some people are just like that.

Some teachers can be a bit lazy and not like it if a child is getting too far ahead of his peers. They are supposed to provide differentiated work in such cases - which can, obviously, represent extra work.

The only thing I would question is doing SATs tests at home. Why? There is no benefit to the child in getting a "better" score - there is absolutely nothing riding on them. I think practicing them at home could - unintentionally - be putting some unnecessary pressure on your child.

As I said before, I think you should have a meeting with the HT. Try to keep an open mind and, with luck, you will all come away with a clearer idea as to how your son is doing at school on all levels (I mean here socially and emotionally, as well as academically) and how you - and the school - can best help him. After all, this is all about him, and what is best for him.

Alison is there more to this? You sound so angry. I notice you've been a governor at the school - does that mean you have a good or bad relationship with the head? Is there some history here?

I think that the school has a fair point re: working with them and not against them and supporting their methods rather than undermining them.They also seem to have some concerns about your son socially and want to talk about them in more detail. I think you need to go to the meeting in a neutral state of mind and see what they have to say.

coppertop - No the teacher has not mentioned it before. Ironically, we had parents evening last week and son was given a glowing report - I don't understand it either!

misdee - DS chose to do the clubs after school as he loves football, tennis and computers. It gives the opportunity to burn some energy and see his mates outside school. For Saturday and Sunday - football is the thing. DH and myself have been watching him in all weathers for the past 3 years as DS loves football!

It's strange that the more help and support you give your child the more unusal it sounds. I am very defensive about all of this as it has not been brought up before - why now ? I did inform the HT that DS is under no pressure and does have a very rounded life - he has the least pressure of any child I know. Lives in a lovely house, has lovely things, goes on great holidays, does everything he wants in life - we never say no to anything he wants to do. I don't see this as being anything other than being a supportive parent.

alison - the HT can see obviously see something thats happening during the day at school you cant. he may will think your ds is one of the more vulnerable children in the school and is therefore calling you in.

i know many parents who go clubbing/drinking and are still fantastic parents. they are allowed a life as well. none of us know what goes on behind closed doors. i dont continually go through school work with ds but i help him with his homework and read with him. but some of the time when not at school he likes to veg in front of the telly because hes knackered. he doesnt have to be 'the best' in the class and ahead of everyone else he does need to be happy and want to go to school in the morning.

have to agree that if the teachers had got the HT involved they must be concerened about you son.

"Lives in a lovely house, has lovely things, goes on great holidays, does everything he wants in life - we never say no to anything he wants to do. I don't
see this as being anything other than being a supportive parent."

I'm speechless, sorry.

Alison, you sound so much like I used to.

But you haven't commented on any of my replies, so perhaps you haven't read them .

same here.

Can I stick my almost entirely irrelevant oar in?

Being in a deprived area, and having a parent who leaves you with someone else occasionally to go and have (gasp) fun (can't mothers go clubbing then?) does not make you a child whose parents are disinterested. It might give you a sense that there is more to life than work, perhaps? Just because the mothers are disinterested in formal education for young children does not make them disinterested in general. They may, for example, be keen on said child learning to socialise, or be independant of their parents for amusement purposes. being disinterested in the things you are interested in doesn't mean they are disinterested full stop.

I think the head was right to voice concerns over your ds's schedule for the week. He has no 'off' time, as it stands now. I do think that this is how workaholism starts - he has not much idea what to do unless it is scheduled.

colditz thats was trying to say better youve just said it much better.

i want ds to have lots of fun at school and playing football at break time after his biscuit is the most exciting part of the day for him. thank goodness.

Alison - I think the teacher/HT are being overly defensive here.

Our DCs school actively promotes the fact that the more techniques a child can use for doing maths and arithmetic the better. They teach them many, many techniques for doing so themselves, near doubles, add the nearest 10 and adjust down or up, use number lines, use number squares, add 1000's, 100's, 10's and units then add them all together, use carry overs etc etc etc. Therefore I think the fact that your child knows different methods will stand him in very good stead as he moves through the years. I have a very good friend who is a teacher and I believe she also advises the use of several different strategies.

1. I would ask them to articulate precisely where your DS is displaying a lack of sociability in the school setting. If this is a school problem only, and it sounds like it might be, then you need to encourange them to come up with strategies for him to overcome these issues in school.

1. I don't think it has got anything at all to do with school what you choose to do with your child at home in terms of preparing them for SATs, provided of course that you are not completely freaking him out about them. Having said that, it would not be my activity of choice for a 7 year old child out of school.

1. Go to the meeting, listen to what she has to say, but make it absolutely clear that you believe that a good education involves teaching in the home as well as at school, and you have no intention of hampering your child's overall education in order to make life easier for the school.

It is unfortunate that some schools are reluctant to allow high fliers to fly, prefering everyone to move along at the same pace. This is because it is easier for them - it is certainly not better for your child. Perhaps they need reminding of that!

If you really want to piss them off though - you could always enrole him for an after school maths club! That way you'd be complying with her wishes for him to do more after school clubs, but then she'd have to deal with him learning even more strategies for arithmetic and maths[evil laugh]

Dejas - I wasn't ignoring your comments - just have lots to plough though ! I can see that I may come across as a pushy parent, but I do not choose DS extra curricular life, he does. He gets upset if he misses a club because of a birthday party and won't let anything else clash with his football. I have asked him if he would like to not go to the clubs after school and he says 'no' emphatically - what I am supposed to do?

I think the tact that I shall take with the school is to cancel all the clubs that DS goes to (which cost a fortune and go into school funds), and stop reading every night and doing everything else with him - as this seems the way that everyone is suggesting I go. It will be a shock to both of our systems as we have been in a routine for 3 years or so now. I'll leave the school to get on with the teaching and learning to see how he progresses without our input as parents. I don't know how I am going to get out of the cycle of reading every night (which the school dictates we do - otherwise children go home with 'Please read with me tonight' stickers stuck to their jumpers, and spelling and maths homework.

DS will not know what to do with himself either - can I cope with an upset child who really enjoys these things ?

right, so your attitude to being told things that you don't want to hear is "OK, then, I won't do anything AT ALL, I'll work to rule, and see how they all like it"

irrespective of how this may confuse/dismay your child

I think you really need to have a good long look at yourself here.

You are clearly someone with very strong views, who doesn't like being told they may be wrong (and who obviously doesn't often think they are), but throwing your toys out of the pram isn't helpful.

WHat would be helpful is going along to the meeting suggested with an open mind, and having an open and honest discusssion with the HT with your boy['s best interests in mind. But everyone has said that and you seem to have ignored that, too.

I read them, dejags and thought they were very helpful. I love the table legs analogy.

alisonmc- I don't know what to say really. You sound like you're getting in a state, tbh. Are other things in your life stressful at the moment? I find that I can get emotionally bananaheaded about little things happening with my kids when other things are tough and sometimes not even realise. Recently I got all overwrought about a fairly minor playground thing with my children and practically concluded that they must instantly change schools. (From a school where they are generally happy and doing fine) I only thought afterwards that going through a slight rough patch with my partner, being unable to shake a nasty cough and feeling unsettled at not yet starting a scheduled job might have had something to do with my odd response. Or do you just feel a bit criticised? It's easy to reject out of hand what people are saying because you are feeling defensive, imo. I felt very cross with a speech therapist once and it was because I was worried about my son and didn't want to hear that she thought his stammer was because I didn't talk to him. And she sounded haughty and had a very annoying skirt on. I did try and get over my annoyance and consider whether she was right. I decided she was absolutely wrong. Actually we talked a lot as a family and we talked fast and furious and interrupted each other a lot. Which seemed to me relevant and fixable. But it was only by getting over my hurt at what I considered a slur on my parenting that I could think properly about what might be helpful. So in your situation I think the optimum response is to have a good listen to what the teacher is saying and then a real honest think about whether she is right in any sense. She may well be wrong but it's worth a bit of a think about it, isn't it? Good luck.

"I understand that when you are teaching 30 children (I used to be a Maths, Economics and Business Studies teacher myself) one method should be the basis, but any good teacher knows that they should differentiate for children who cannot grasp a method. Why should children get upset if they cannot do a method, but can do another just because it does not fit with NNS?

I am not living my life through DS. FYI, I have a Maths Degree (2.1), Economics Degree (1), MBA and PGCE in Business Education and am a qualified accountant."

Do you think it would reflect badly on you if DS does not excell in math? Is this why you are pressurising him to do well?

Why on earth would you do that? Keep on reading. Have they said anything to you about reading? Just do different books to those used in school.

And do the maths. Help him with the method he struggles with. I think the school would welcome that surely?

And do the extra curricular stuff if he enjoys it.

Why does it have to be all or nothing?

You don't have to stop your input, but your input should be supporting your son's school work, not teaching him other ways of doing things. If he couldn't read in English would you say "oh, but he can read in French so we're teaching him that instead." You should help him understand the maths maths he doesn't grasp, not teach him another one.

Not sure why you would get your DS doing past SATs papers TBH. They're meaningless at 7 and, IIRC, they were kind of discarded or something. DS1 did them last year but they were a previous year's set of papers and purely for internal use.

gosh alison you are picking up your ball and taking it home..I think you need to rethink your attitude here and not be so stubborn

Surely reading with your child at night is natural? You can support him without piling on loads of SAT papers for him to do

I think people are being very, very hard on the OP. This child sounds like he has a very rounded life. In what way is playing football and tennis not 'down time'? If adults do this we call it recreation and a hobby, surely? If he enjoys it and it is social, how is it 'work'? Also, if he enjoys sitting with his parents and looking at number problems, why is that a problem? My ds likes me to give him 'hard words' to spell in his head. He loves it and I wouldn't stop because someone thought it was a bad idea.
Also, I think that what you do with your children at home is actually none of the school's business (like the SATS papers). It is your house, your kid, your life and your time.
Asking 'does he do any activities out of school' when they KNOW he does is just stupid and it would piss me off royally too.
And to say that you are having a meeting to put someone 'on the right track' is unbelievably patronising.

I think scummymummy has put it well. Rather than deciding NOW what you're going to do, why not go in & listen to the HT point ot view, give it a week to think about things, then maybe go in again to discuss strategies that you can implement together. I suspect the converstion you are having with the HT in your head is rather worse than the one you might have in rl.
I think the HT has taken a rather patronising tone "to put us backn on the right track" would put my back up tbh, but I think you need to listen to what he's going to say before you decide how to act.
Dejags - love the table anaolgy

I think the school have taken the wrong approach but Iactually agree withsome of what they have said.

Work at home is good but ithas to follow the same method or the child could become confused or favour your method over theirs. This could be a problem when a child has to show working out for example.

Doing past sats could cause problems if the teachers are going to use them as mocks.

There are plenty of websites with national curriculum stuff on that you could do with your child,that won't tread aon any toes. I can link some if you are interested.

I think headteachers speak to everyone like they are children. I can't stand dd's, he's a horrid little man.

I also see nothing wrong at all with teaching a different method of multiplication or addition if it works!

Alison - I think you need to calm down and come back and read through these posts once you are feeling more stable.

This matter is not about you and your parenting, it is about what is best for your child.

Using him as a pawn to show the school how silly you think they are being is inherently flawed as your child is the one who loses out most, not the school and as such it lacks intellectual rigour.

Go and have a bath - throw all the toys out, then have a cup of tea and come back read the posts carefully and with an open mind then give a mature response

"Also, I think that what you do with your children at home is actually none of the school's business (like the SATS papers)."

Except as I said, DSs school used past SATS papers as the "actual" papers last year - they were allowed to choose which year from, I think, 2005 and 2004. If pupils have seen them and done them already then the tests are completely and utterly pointless.