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Primary education

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Original poster

Mean girl in reception-what to expect from teacher?

22 replies

Rosehips · 20/10/2016 10:14

Just that really

dd's teacher ism't very approachable and has a reputation fornotbeing very proactive so i'd like to know what reasonable/am i being pfb before i ho in and talk to her

OP posts:

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DoinItFine · 20/10/2016 10:17

Are you worried that your daughter is mean?

4 year olds are still pretty tiny and most of thrm are just getting through the day with dry pants and their shoes on the right feet.

Intentional meanness would be quite unusual.

a7mints · 20/10/2016 10:20

Intentional meanness would be quite unusual.

No it wouldn't . 4 yos are perfectly capable of being unkind.

and why on earth would you think the OP thinks her own daughter is being mean?

DoinItFine · 20/10/2016 10:24

Maybe you just know extremely advanced (and evil) small children?

IME 4 year olds are both innocent and socially unaware.

Being consciously mean to another child on an ongoing basis doesn't seem like 4 year old behaviour.

and why on earth would you think the OP thinks her own daughter is being mean?

Because it's not clear which one is her daughter.

"Mean" children have parents too.

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/10/2016 10:26

Of course 4 ur olds cab be deliberately mean.

Was a victim of that myself. Seen some very sneaky deliberate behavior from eveb you her kids.

Assuming it's all an "accident" does no one any favours.

Of course it is possible that the dd has just taken things the wrong way or something happened to said child to upset her and she took it out on the dd.

My strategy would probably leave it til after half term. See of it stops after a week off where the child has had a bit of a break and some extra sleep etc

If it continues I'd have to brave the teacher but phrase it more in a "dd has been getting very upset in school lately have you or the tas noticed anything?

If she says no our this girl continues to upset your dd then I guess you will have to be a bit more specific with the teacher.

You cover both scenarios then.

RhodaBull · 20/10/2016 10:28

There was a "mean girl'" in dd's reception. I am firmly of the belief that some people are born mean. Mean children - mean adults - mean elderly people. I witnessed this girl telling dd she couldn't sit on any of the seats when she arrived, and each one dd went to sit on the girl smirked and said, "No, it was taken." And she wouldn't let dd in the home corner, etc etc.

Now, perhaps this behaviour was learned from a "mean" parent, but whatever. I spoke to the teacher who held a class assembly on being kind. Luckily the girl and her family emigrated...

ReallyTired · 20/10/2016 11:27

Four and five year olds have immature social skills. Much of reception is devoted to improving social skills.

Yes, a small child can be diliberately mean and handling conflict is part of learning experience. A social adept child will be assertive. The immature child will either cry or thump the other child. The child with poor social skills is not fundermentally mean, but lacks the skills to resolve conflict.

Strange that most parents see their child as a baby, but don't recongise that the other children are babies as well.

a7mints · 20/10/2016 12:47

No, there are some 4 year olds who ARE fundamentally mean.They learn what they live

DoinItFine · 20/10/2016 13:03

Well if they "learn what they live", they aren't FUNDAMENTALLY mean, are they?

ReallyTired · 20/10/2016 13:14

Is a newborn baby fundermentally mean. Could an ante natal test one day be developed to screen for meanness so that mean embryos could be aborted. I do not mean autism spectrum disorders. Lack of empathy doesn't necessarily cause mean behaviour. There are lots of utterly vile NT people in th world.

People need to take a bit of responsiblity for their children's behaviour. Mean children are created by their environment rather than moulded. A young four year old is still young enough to learn better manners and kindness. However a young child needs to be shown kindness to learn kindness.

Original poster

Rosehips · 20/10/2016 13:24

sorry about lack of details, ds woke up halfway through posting.

dd is the victim here, 'mean girl' is already 5 and it is deliberate behaviour with the intent of making dd feel bad. it's been on going since september, a few instances a week,but dd doesn't really talk about school so i'm only really getting a picture of what's been happening now. Before anyone asks, it's not a tit for tat type thing. i'm not deluded that dd is a little angel but she's very shy and submissive with other children- she lets her baby brother snatch toys off her.

OP posts:

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 20/10/2016 13:36

I think you should speak to the teacher and ask if anyone could keep an eye. It can't do any harm to make her aware. Dd had a girl who picked on her in year 1 and the girl never grew out of it and is still unkind at secondary school. (Thankfully no longer in dd's class.)

ReallyTired · 20/10/2016 13:39

Wow!!! The mean the girl is five. That makes a huge difference... really???

Be ware that you may not be in full receipt of the facts. Some four year olds are liars or are economical with the truth. With most small child it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Talk to your child's reception teacher. Children are closely watched in reception as part of the eyfs.

ReggaeShark · 20/10/2016 13:44

Talk to the teacher and/or the TA. Don't hang about. Best to nip it in the bud. There should be age appropriate sanctions for bad behaviour and being unkind to others. Look up behaviour policy and ask how it is applied in Reception.

PumpkinOfLinus · 20/10/2016 13:46

Ignore the nasty posts, OP, some people seem to have had an empathy bypass this week.

4/5 year olds can be very spiteful and controlling. Get it nipped in the bud and talk to the teacher.

squiz81 · 20/10/2016 14:58

Two mean boys in my ds reception class. The mums whose kids have been their victims have made the teacher aware and they keep a close on the situation.

If you are concerned, I would definitely mention it to the teacher. As well as spend some time with your dd practising how to deal with situations where someone is unkind to you.

catkind · 20/10/2016 17:03

Just talk to teacher OP. We've had two incidents where my kids were perceiving others as being repeatedly mean to them in reception. In both cases, spoke to teacher and they did some reception teacher magic and it never happened again. Not entirely sure how they do it - they certainly talked to the children about what was going on, probably kept an eye out when they were playing too. DS wasn't bothered again, and DD in 2 weeks has gone from avoiding/running away from the girl who was being mean to being best friends with her.

I would certainly assume till proved otherwise that it's social ineptitude rather than deliberate meanness. They're so little.

Bumbumtaloo · 20/10/2016 17:25

OP definitely talk to the teacher, chances are they are already aware.

My eldest DD is in YR2 (6/7yo) and right from day one at school DD and others have had an issue with another child. She is mean - says very hurtful things and spiteful - she purposely dropped a lunch bench on DD's foot, she purposely stamps on the children's feet as they walk past her lots of other things - she will openly admit to the things she has said or done. The teachers can't seem to get through to her and her parents do not tell her off. Most recently the school have stopped her going outside at playtime because of her behaviour but that just seems to make her worse in class. Her younger brother is at that school and is the polar opposite of his sister. So yes OP in my experience it is very real.

Original poster

Rosehips · 21/10/2016 09:20

had a quick chat this morning. teacher said she'd keep an eye on things. got the impression she thinks i'm a bit of a fussy pfb. each incident is quite minor, e.g 'sometime last week 'sophie' said that dd's shoes are stupid', it's just that we're having several incidents a week and dd is very sensitive. i'll leave it for now and go back in a couple of weeks if things don't improve.

does anyone have any books/resources to recommend for friendship issues for this age group?

OP posts:

lljkk · 21/10/2016 09:42

It is important to work on teaching your girl to stand up for herself, quietly & firmly, and to spend time with the kids who are nice & avoid those who aren't nice ( ...nice * today *, tomorrow who is nice or not could be very different!).

Your girl will forgive the other one long b4 you can. Don't hold a grudge on her behalf.

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 21/10/2016 09:53

Don't let the teacher make you feel like a fussy pfb mum. If she's making you feel like that it's probably because she can't be bothered to deal with it. Your dd shouldn't have to just put up with being picked on though, so don't let her make you feel like that.

user789653241 · 21/10/2016 12:19

Those little things can be so hurtful when you are so small. Maybe the comment like "your shoes looks stupid" came out because of jealousy.
Still, heart breaking to see your child feeling hurt.

My normally strong willed, don't care about what others say type ds cried when he was told his Christmas play outfit wasn't smart enough by another child in reception. I had to speak to the teacher since he refused to go in next day for another play. She was brilliant, never treated me like I'm being over protective pfb.

It doesn't matter if it's intentional or innocent, if child is hurt, need to be sorted out some how.

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 21/10/2016 12:32

I have seen some jaw-dropping stuff in 4-year-olds - seen it myself, not been fed a story by a young child.

A boy going out of his way to try and push and hit my toddler when he thought I wasn't looking. The look on his eyes was nasty - he zeroed in on the youngest child in the playground (my DS) and CHARGED. At 5 he has already been in serious trouble in school - lovely parents though!

DD has a so-called friend that always has something unkind to say about her appearance (clearly jealousy ). For this little girl it's a case of the apple not falling far from the tree though...

Both of these have older siblings (gap of 5years +). I wonder if this is a factor?

In older children this would be called bullying so it needs nipping in the bud IMO.

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