School trip and music lesson clash, your advice please

[mouldycheesefan]

School trip clashes with day my dd 9 has a music lesson in school. She has been offered to go on the trip with another class in a different day. She became very tearful when this was suggested saying she doesn't want to go on the trip with another class, she wants to go with her friends in her class. This would mean her missing the music lesson which I already have paid for.
She started the music lessons this term because she was keen to learn the instrument. The deal was that she would have the instrument as a birthday present and would practice willingly. we would support her by paying for the lessons, music books and hearing her practice.
In the few weeks since she started she has missed a lesson because she forgot, lost her music book, not been very focused during practice and now she wants to miss another lesson so she can go on the trip with her class.
I have contacted school to see if she can shift the lesson to another day but this seems doubtful as an option.
I admit that I don't want to be paying out for lessons that she doesn't attend. Would it be harsh to say that she has to refund me the cost of he lesson?
She does five other extra curricular activities and works hard in school and is intelligent. We do four practices in the instrument of ten mins each per week, two by herself and two with parent.

Should I just say fine miss the lesson, is it worth the tears and faff?
Appreciate words of wisdom

I think you need to tackle her forgetfulness/lack of commitment? separately.
Having a school trip on the day of music lesson isn't her fault.

I am confused. I considered the option of asking her to contribute and decided against it. She doesn't know I was considering this. How is that mean?

And also teach her to appreciate value of money?
I recently had a talk with my ds, when he said X has this, Y has that, why can he have one as well. I explained he has piano lesson and other ex-cul activities and it's expensive. I just had to pay £xx amounts last week. But if you want to have X instead, it's his choice, but we can't afford to pay for everything. He stopped pestering me.

No one has mentioned this yet but whether it's mean to make the child pay for things surely partly depends on how much money she has and what the money is supposed to cover. My DC get very limited pocket money and that's it. If I made DD pay for a missed music lesson or lost music book she would still be paying me back in January! Which I think is totally unreasonable. But other MN children seem to have generous relatives and have £100s squirreled away, in which case perhaps making DC pay for "stuff" is actually more reasonable.

Why doesn't your other daughter have a double lesson that day so that you haven't wasted money, then another week your DD could then have a double lessOn? That way no missed session?

Yes to the double lesson! Genius!
Ellesbells great idea thanks

As long as you give the perepetetic teacher plenty of notice that you can't attend, she is likely to be willing to either do a double lesson one week (which will mean missing quite a lot of lessons that day) or perhaps to slot one in at the end of the year/another time. They are not obliged to do this, but often will.
There is no way that you can request another day for the music lesson unless the teacher comes to your particular school more than one day a week. People suggesting school should sort that are BU because the music teacher is probably contracted elsewhere on other days and if not, won't be wanting to/nor should be expected to make a special trip into school for one 20/30 min lesson, which was missed on the regular day through no fault of the teacher.
How long is it until the trip? Give as much notice of your REQUEST as possible - and be careful to put it as a polite request, not a demand...the teacher will be doing you a favour if she arranges another lesson for you.

OP, the thread would be easier to follow if you stuck to just using the same username and that's from someone who rarely notices usernames

OP, glad you've backed down from charging your DD to attend a school trip. Two things: have you considered having your DD do lessons outside of school? They will be a bit more expensive, but it will be worth it to avoid this kind of thing. And forgetting about a lesson within the school day is very common, especially as most of the time lesson times change frequently. Much easier to know that, say, on Tuesday at 4:30 they go to Ms. Price's house every week. BTW, I'm not dissing school lessons, at all, as I'm glad it's still available in state schools and subsidised, but if you have an option ...

Also, I really believe that at this age, that learning an instrument is as much about a parent's commitment, as it is about a pupil's. You've got to give it time and support your DD by sitting in on all (or most) practices. You can't just tell her to get on with it - as a pp said, it takes time to develop a routine and takes time to develop the sense of discipline that it takes.

OP, I'm glad you're coming round to the idea of not making her pay for the lesson she's missing because of the trip.

I'm with you on making her pay/contribute to the cost of the book, depending on how much it is/how much money she has/whether she gets pocket money/if it's possible to find a second hand copy.

But please make sure she knows she's not being penalised for a clash between trip and lesson. Don't make her feel negative about either. Encourage her to enjoy and get the best out of both.

Private lessons are about £15 per half hour round here with termly commitment. I have always viewed subsidised school lessons as a compromise which gives DDs opportunities but will not always fit ideally around other things. If you don't want to fit around the system then you have to be prepared to pay a lot more and also get involved in ferrying your DD to and from lessons and waiting for them in coffee shops.

Also teething problems with forgetting etc are normal until DC get used to / more confident about lessons.

The older and more accomplished your DC get the more value you will get from lessons, especially if they give access to orchestras etc. Mine are both teenagers now. I am very relaxed if they miss the 20 minute lesson because they both have at least 3 hours of free teaching input via school and county orchestras etc. every week.

Learning a musical instrument takes quite a lot of up front commitment and a parent being on your case all the time would be a serious disincentive. Among my DC's friends, parents discouraging in this and similar ways is the main reason they give up.

Definitely let her go.

Otherwise it is guaranteed to put her off the whole idea.

Oh good :) just thinking that is a way to compromise.. no one misses out that way!

Great idea thanks I knew someone would find a solution

One 'music lesson' missed in a lifetime won't matter much!

OP ime it's just an inevitable occupational hazard of peripatetic lessons that dc will forget, be unable to attend because of trips, other school commitments etc. There are also advantages to them over after-school lessons, but there's definitely a case for calm acceptance that lessons will get missed! If that's a major problem/source of stress, I would switch to out of school lessons.
I'm glad you're not going to make dd pay for the lesson; have to admit i also wouldn't make them pay for a lost music book or library book either - these things happen, at least the first time, and you want them to enjoy music. But I accept that I am on the Far Soft!

Def distinguish between things within the child's control and those not and never punish for those outside their control.
For a child who constantly loses things and isn't careful with their stuff, making them pay a small contribution towards a lost item might help to focus their minds.....but I'd only do that if there were an ongoing problem, and then only a small amount or punishment.
For things that have happened as a result of school, such as this instance, I certainly wouldn't punish or hold them responsible. As others have said, with school music lessons these things do happen. I can see that you feel you have had a bad run of it with forgotten lesson, lost book and now this.....but the causes of these things are different, not all part of a bigger pattern...its just unfortunate that they have come together.

Yes, agree that music lessons for young children are a big test of parental commitment.....you do have to sit with them when they practice and nag them sometimes, you do have to ensure they miss as few lessons as poss (watch in pocket with alarm set?) and to look ahead to what's coming up and give plenty of notice to arrange a swap/lesson in lieu etc. And small children do often find the organisational demands of missing lessons and getting to the right place difficult...in fact big children find those things hard too. Def go with the watch in pocket idea.

I've just started paying for music lessons and it's so expensive! It's done through school so I'd expect school to ensure the lessons are arranged or rearranged not to clash with trips. So should ds' school which has 5 classes to work round on trips and, I think, 7 different instruments over the 5 days of the week, give up on trips in case a child has to miss a music lesson.

Op, you miss the lesson. It's a bit frustrating at times, but actually in the big picture it's fine. Some teachers will try and make time up another day, but most haven't got the spare time in the week to do that generally. Exceptions are sometimes made around exam times when they may put themselves out to give an extra lesson.
But it's not the teacher's fault your child can't be there so you can't expect them to drive in on a separate day for one lesson.

Blimey you are hard on your dc, op.
Can't believe you are seriously making a 'thing' of this.
Can't believe you seriously thought it was a good suggestion for her to go with another class.
Seriously can't believe you are suggesting she pays for the missed lesson....... the lost book, maybe, but it's not her fault the trip and music lesson clash this once.

Missed lessons are inevitable. My DD forgot a few in the early days, before it became habit. Our teachers only teach 10 lessons a term though with space for "catch up" lessons at the end of term. Also, they have always been good at giving extra time where they can (if the next child doesn't turn up). It's far too early days to get het up about it,

Backforgood, the school sent a letter home suggesting she do the trip with the other class. It was not my suggestion. The other kids are all doing that So i don't think it's that unbelievable. Dd is the only one who will miss the music lesson. P

In contrast to most others, I think the school's suggestion that your DD attend her music lesson as usual and join the parallel class is a sensible compromise. It's rarely possible for peripatetic teachers to offer catch-up lessons on a different day, or to run a double lesson the next week because of their commitments to other schools.

My opinion is almost certainly clouded by my DDs' reactions to the trip/music lesson clash. DD1's Y4 class was due to visit a gallery and take part in a workshop costing £10 at the same time as her music lesson. DD1 herself suggested that she go on the trip with the parallel class as she didn't want to miss her lesson. As it happened, there were going to be so many children out of school on that day that the music teacher cancelled that week's lessons and rescheduled them for one of the 'spare' weeks at the end of term. A few years later, DD2 has finally been able to start music lessons. She's 7 and has had her heart set on playing a brass instrument since she was 3.5. So far, she's had a handful of lessons on her brass instrument, practises daily for at least 20 minutes and would sleep with it if we let her. Y3 had a trip booked that would mean missing her fourth lesson and DD2 was outraged. The trip was to a local museum that the children visit at least once a year through school and lots more with us so DD2 said she didn't want to go on the trip as she didn't want to miss her lesson. The member of the school admin team very kindly negotiated a group swap so the Y3 children's brass lesson could take place after they'd returned and so DD2 agreed to go. Unfortunately, they didn't get back in time so she missed her lesson after all and is devastated because next week is half-term so it'll be ages before her next lesson. She's made it very clear that she doesn't want to be persuaded to go on any trips on brass lesson days in the future!

For my DDs, the music lessons are the highlight of their week at school and they have friends in both classes so wouldn't be bothered by going on a trip with the parallel class. If they felt differently, I'd take my lead from them (unless the trip coincided with a lesson just before an exam they'd chosen to take!) and let them go on the trip if they wanted to.

Oh my goodness...let her go on the trip for crying out loud! She's doing the practice at home, a couple of missed lessons won't hurt!

My daughter, who began learning the flute at primary, often missed a couple of lessons a term, even though they were already paid for. It didn't cause much disruption. She still managed to come away with Grade 4 by year 6 ! (She's doing a music degree now,with flute performance).
Peripatetic music teachers are on a tight schedule, usually.I'd be surprised if a double lesson can be scheduled.

I think this is a bit of a drama where there needn't be one, to be honest.

You might have found a solution in the double lesson.

But you need to rethink your attitude to your dd. Suggesting that she has to financial reimburse you because of a choice? Really?

I probably should have added we are a fairly low income family...it was a lot of money to us, even though subsidised, each term.
You risk making learning an instrument a chore, when it should be fun and enjoyable.
Practice is important, of course it is, but to rigidly stick to a timetable!...just be a little more flexible.( If there is an exam or something coming up, that is different and a little extra time needs to go into it.)