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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

If your DC went to a primary school at which they didn't know anyone...

28 replies

snowgirl1 · 18/04/2016 13:02

..how did you help them settle in?

There are no nurseries in the suburb that we live in, so DD goes to a nursery in a suburb nearby. All her friends in the nursery live in the suburb that the nursery is in, so they will most likely get into the infant school which is right next door to the nursery. DD definitely won't get in - we're too far away.

Last night DH said to DD that we'd find out today what school she'd be going to. She immediately said that she wanted to go to school with her best friend. I feel so bad as she won't know anyone in any of the schools that she's likely to get into. There are quite a lot of SAHP in the suburb that we live in, so I think that quite a few of the other children will know each other from playgroups etc. Is there anything I can do to help DD settle in to whichever school she gets into?

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LaContessaDiPlump · 18/04/2016 13:04

DS1 knew no-one and was absolutely fine. There's so much new stuff and you have all the existing friends to see at weekends, so even if they know no-one they won't be lonely.

Don't worry!

mouldycheesefan · 18/04/2016 13:13

Yes!
They do lots of integration sessions and settling in sessions at school before they start.
If you can arrange any meet ups in the holidays with kids from their class this can be good e.g if you happen to recognise anyone else at any of the meetings at school etc
You could join the PTA now , I did so and met a mum with a child who would also be in reception and we arranged a couple play dates.
But basically, there will be lots of children who don't go to the school nursery, who go to other nurseries or childminders or don't go to nursery. Thinking about my dds friends , now aged 8, none of them went to the school nursery they all went to different ones. And we still keep in touch with friends from our old nursery.

suitcaseofdreams · 18/04/2016 13:14

In a few weeks time you will get info from the school regarding induction - they are highly likely to invite you and your daughter to the school for at least a couple of sessions during the Summer term along with all the new starters. For example, we were invited to meet the current reception class (who put on a little show for us!), to a session where the adults met in one room for a cuppa and to ask questions and the children spent a couple of hours with the teachers in class (listening to a story, drawing a picture etc). We were also invited to sports day and the summer fair.
All of these are great opportunities to meet other new starters - you can exchange numbers and meet up over the Summer to help your daughter get to know the kids before she starts

the teachers are well used to helping reception class settle in so it will be fine even if you don't have a chance to do much meeting up over Summer

once term starts there will inevitably be birthday parties (usually whole class in reception) which are another good opportunity to get to know the kids (and parents) better

slightly different for me as I have twins so they at least had each other, but we knew no one before starting at the school, and although we enjoyed the settling in sessions we were so busy over the summer we didn't manage any meet ups, but it's been no problem at all and they settled very easily

MrsSparkles · 18/04/2016 13:15

DD knew no-one, she went to nursery close to where I worked. Settled in no problem at all. At her school they move them round all the time to try to get them to all know each other, its a real focus in Year R.

She still talks about nursery friends but we only see them occasionally.

Gizlotsmum · 18/04/2016 13:15

Dd was fine. She soon made friends and the teacher was very good at making the class work together. Ds will be in a similar situation but will have his sister further up the school. I also made an effort to maintain friendships out of school so dd still sees her best friend from nursery (. Now approaching 8)

sephineee · 18/04/2016 13:17

DD knew 1 person at her school for reception then we moved and she started again in Yr1 knowing no one. First months both times were horrific but after that she's settled fine, made friends, been happy.

Make sure they do an induction/settling session.

sephineee · 18/04/2016 13:18

Make sure they do an induction/settling session.

starry0ne · 18/04/2016 13:20

Ds oonly knew 3 children from his nursery 2 girls one boy.. none of whom he was really friends with.. He has a good group of friends and settled in really well.

KingLooieCatz · 18/04/2016 13:21

Mine has done this twice. He was not the only one not from a mob when he started and at his new school there is a trickle of new kids, many of whom don't speak English. They muck in okay. Don't worry. He changed school when we re-located.

If it concerns you there are ways of developing your network and her's. E.g. organize a parents' meet up. At last school someone just printed notes suggesting pub Friday 7.30 all welcome and it went from there. School circulated the notes home in bags. At pub/wherever you can find who lives where and swap numbers, set up play dates, also find out if there is a mob going to Rainbows/Beavers/dancing/swimming at the same time and place and consider signing her up. They won't have firm friends for a while but you might try to target kids she seems to get on with. If you're not at school gate write a note for other kids' parents for her to hand over. If you have a few play dates that don't blossom into lifelong pals it doesn't matter.

I always turn up to help at school things if I possibly can (e.g. discos) so I get to know the other parents better, swap numbers, suggest meet ups with kids. You might need to be a bit more forward. I found reception year birthday parties tended to be whole class, that helps.

I also didn't experience any parent clique-ness at either school. Unless I have the hide of a rhino, which nobody would say about me.

jollyjapes · 18/04/2016 13:22

Its fine. My DC1 knew no-one at all as we moved into catchment the week before applications and I worked full time at the time so no network of local friends at all. There were plenty of children who had been at different pre-school nurseries , DSs best-friend-to-be was at a central London crèche. It was all new though and they mixed very well. Even those who went to the nursery attached to the school only new the morning/afternoon children and hadn't got a clue which of the others were completely new. The child who I still remember finding it hard to sibling who had been going to the school her whole life and been in the nursery.

The last few months of the existing nursery can be harder than the new school as the children start talking about going to reception and realise they aren't going with their friends.

I would see if there is a school summer fair, make sure you walk past the school plenty of times so its physically familiar to her etc. If you do meet anyone who's going arrange a playdate but really don't worry.

sportinguista · 18/04/2016 13:22

DS knew no one and we missed all the settling sessions as they took place when we were on holiday. The first time he met his classmates was on the first day. But he managed and is now firmly settled. I think by the end of the first week he'd made friends with one little boy but his friendships really started to firm up in year 1. His now BFF and circle of friends has changed from when he was first there as they have grown into shared interests. The teachers also are very concious of including everyone and making sure that no one is left out. If a child is particularly shy you could just give the teacher a heads up and most will usually keep an eye on that.

TheSuspiciousMsWhicher · 18/04/2016 13:22

DD knew no one when she started Reception. She hadn't even attended any settling in sessions as the LA didn't come up with a school place for her until 2 weeks before term started in September.

She was absolutely fine. She made friends very quickly. Play dates with her class friends helped I think.

Original poster

snowgirl1 · 18/04/2016 13:26

Thanks everyone. Good to know it's been fine for others. I hope the school do offer some sort of induction sessions - that would be an ideal way to meet some others and sort out some play dates before September. DD has always been so good about going to nursery and only cried a few times in the 3+ years she's been going there, I'd hate for her to start her school life feeling sad and lonely.

OP posts:

dairymilkmonster · 18/04/2016 13:30

DS did this without any difficulty! Don't worry.

Owllady · 18/04/2016 13:32

Mine have changed schools etc and known nobody and they've all been fine :)

mouldycheesefan · 18/04/2016 13:34

You need to present it to her as something fun and exciting she will only think it's sad and lonely if you tell her that it is!

OrianaBanana · 18/04/2016 13:35

My DS is reserved and quiet and knew no one. I was so worried. We hadn't made any of the settling in sessions as we were new to the area. On his first day I was bricking it but he just wandered off into class himself (the wrong way) and didn't even look back. He made friends v quickly and is now settled nicely, never said he didn't want to go to school ever.

Now it's the other parents I feel awkward around but that's a different story!

OrianaBanana · 18/04/2016 13:39

Oh to try and help we were relentlessly positive talking about all the new friends he would make and what fun he'd have. I remember him saying confidently at one point that all his new classmates would be his friends.

grubbyslippers · 18/04/2016 13:40

I had to state on the primary school app that my son didn't know anyone so they put the small amount of children in to start first then staggered the other children over the coming days. It worked well and he could make friends and be familiar with the surroundings before the other children started. Of course it depends on the school so perhaps chat with them how they deal with it. She will be fine too.

MajorClanger123 · 18/04/2016 14:07

All 3 of my kids will (by this September) have started at our local primary school where they know / knew no-one at start date. Having said that, our youngest has now been visiting the playground since newborn when our eldest started school, so she's very familiar with the site, & starts there this Sept.

Our business is in a village 5 miles outside of the town where we live, so we've always used the nursery in that village, not the one 'attached' to the primary school near to our home.

It has never been a problem - loads of kids didn't know each other, it is a 3 class intake school, and the school are excellent at arranging various induction events prior to starting in September.

Friendships are very fluid at such a young age - my DS & DD currently at school didnt really settle down with firm friendships until year 2.

Original poster

snowgirl1 · 18/04/2016 14:10

I haven't said anything to DD about being sad and lonely and have been talking positively about things that will happen when she goes to 'big school', but just haven't mentioned anything at all about friends. Might start talking about all the new friends she have, in addition to all her current nursery friends who we'll see at the weekends (occasionally...)

OP posts:

louisejxxx · 18/04/2016 20:02

Ds was fine - I just tried not to mention much about his friends from nursery not going to avoid the upset. He made friends within the first couple of days and hasn't looked back since!

Hulababy · 19/04/2016 20:57

Dd didn't know anyone at her primary school when she started, many of the children didn't either. only one or two kind of did. Dd also missed the induction day as we were on a previously booked holiday.

We did strange to meet up with some of the girls from her class beforehand - we had a contact list sent out and one mum organised it.

But tbh I was more worried than dd. She loved it from day one and came outbid her first day buzzing about playing with lots of new friends.

We encouraged some of the friendships outside of school too with okay dates, etc.

Dd is 14y now and at secondary but is still friends with some of her initial class mates, and talks to all of them via social media.

Michaelahpurple · 21/04/2016 00:08

They are 4. Nursery friendships are not profound. Really not a problem

bojorojo · 21/04/2016 09:23

My DD2 went to our local school after going to a private nursery. It was no problem to transfer. We are still in touch with one of the nursery parents whose child then went to a different school.

Both my DDs also went to senior school without knowing anyone at all. Friendships are rarely built at 4. Parental friendships can be though. Lasting friends tend to be formed later on at senior school but on the way, there is a lot of falling out and falling back in again to be done - especially with girls!

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