"Can you come and collect your child right now - she's sick."

[backinthebox]

First day back at school after half term and by 10.45am I was back at school to collect DD (8) because she wasn't feeling very well. She was absolutely fine when I dropped her off. I had an event I had been very much looking forward to that was impossible to take DD with me to (first day of the winter run of horse riding events.) So I missed my day out with friends and stayed at home with DD instead. She didn't seem very ill, just a bit quiet, and by lunchtime she was looking very perky indeed. She said she even felt well enough to go to Brownies as they were having a bonfire. I'd told her if she was too ill to be at school she would probably to ill to be able to go to Brownies, but by 12.30 she was begging to go back to school since she wanted to go to Brownies. So I took her back, and she was fine for the rest of the day. By this point it was too late to catch up with my friends.

When I was at school if you felt ill you were taken to a quiet room to sit down for an hour or so to see if you were really ill or just needing some time out. Only if you were physically injured or being sick were parents called in. I'm frequently away with work, always out of the country. My husband would find it difficult to leave work if running a training course or chairing a meeting, and though we have a nanny she has another job during the day once she has dropped the children off at school.

AIBU to think that school should be better placed to make a decision as to whether a child is really sick or there are other issues before calling parents? I am fairly certain there are no bullying issues, but she is the youngest in the year and sometimes lags a little behind her classmates emotionally and needs a bit of time to process things. I'd like to speak to someone at the school but not sure whether that person would be her teacher, the head or the secretary (who took the decision to send her home.)

Morning Op! Yes, the less than helpful comments here are triggered by the fact that to some people you probably sound like a Cheshire Housewife in your first post - horses, socialising, nannies and major social engagements! Are you Dawn Ward? Outrageous! I do understand why you were upset about it.

The thing is, are you concerned about DD generally with her anxiety /relative emotional immaturity compared to her peers, or are you just narked off that your day was ruined this week? I would only go into school if it's a bigger issue than the fact that it wrecked your day on this occasion, or if it's a frequent occurrence that she's sent home but is not physically ill. First port of call I would suggest is the class teacher since they know her best.

If she is really suffering with anxiety the school and possibly your GP or health visitor should be able to help. (I was advised recently by a medic that sometimes the HV can be a good route if the GP is no good) Good luck!

I think you did the right thing OP.

You need to raise your concerns re. her anxiety with her teacher (assuming you haven't already). That way the school are better informed and able to make a decision on what to do next time she complains of being ill. It's also possible that they haven't yet picked-up on any anxiety - particularly if DD comes across as confident as her mother!

Other considerations - what did she miss while she was at home? Lunchbreak, a particular topic, spelling test.... This could be a good clue as to what's driving the anxiety. Is it possible that she thought she could join you for the afternoon (which sounds like much more fun than a day at school!). Certainly it seems that missing out on Brownies was a good motivator for her to snap out of the doldrums. Perhaps a quiet one-to-one with DD will help to get to the bottom of what's really going on.

She's the youngest in year OP? Maybe she's not ready yet?

Sorry, scratch that, just seen she's eight.

i think it its an ongoing issue, your best bet is to ask to speak to either her head of year/key stage teacher or possible the schools Pastoral Care person.

My DS has autism and suffers with Anxiety, he frequently complains of feeling ill because of it, if the school sent him home every time i might as well home school him.

DS is allowed to go sit in the book corner or a quiet area for a little while to de-stress. They give me a call to let me know how he is/what he's doing and if i think it sounds like i need to go get him, they let me make that decision... or we decide to give him a little longer and they check in with me again.

If you can build up some good communication and rapport with her teachers over this situation, it will be better than her missing school for no reason.

Tell it like it Mintyy

I think teachers tend to cover their backs they're not trained to diagnose whether a child is genuinely Ill and sometimes you can't tell how Ill a child is, you should have a word with the school about the anxiety and what may 'kick it off' and state that it can present itself as a physical illness at times but shes normally fine after a short period of time.

Don't forget anxiety is an illness but sending her home every time she presents anxious behaviour will never help her overcome it.

Whether you agree with a poster or not Mintyy, calling them "thick as pigshit" is not really the best way to make your point.

That's me told. Report my post and it will be deleted if you find it offensive.

Schools are there to teach children not nurse them. If you have such a busy life perhaps you should have avoided the inconvenience of having a DD.

My DC school is pretty reasonable. They call me and say what the matter is and would I like to come and get them, or wait and see how they are in an hour, or after lunch, etc. Because they have the nouse to know that sometimes kids are worried, sometimes ill, and sometimes faking. They have a couple of comfy chairs overlooked by the office with a sick bucket on hand. So very boring for the child but peaceful and quiet and not causing any bother.

DD kept coming home sick and it turned out she had a stomach acid thing and needed to eat more often.

Do people really think the frankly irrelevant information that the OP wanted to go riding and has a nanny, etc are the reasons people disagreed with her?

A teacher has to make a judgement call, and in this case, perhaps they made the wrong decision. Sometimes it's best to err on the side of caution.

If it is an ongoing problem, and not a one off why wouldn't you include this vital piece of information in your OP? then the usual process is to speak initially to the classroom teacher, and if it can't be resolved with them, there will be a head of year, to speak to, or possibly the teacher might suggest speaking to the SENCO, or someone else within the school who deals with such issues.

OP, I do sympathise, I'm in a similar position wrt working and school. It really is a pain in the arse, I am constantly faced with the choice of using precious annual leave or triggering the company absence disciplinary procedure when my dc's are poorly (loads this year, broken bones and so forth, both dh and I are in the same position with work). I also understand your frustration at having to cancel something you wanted to do as I know how few and far between such occasions can be.

That said, if your dd is anxious at school then you need to sort that out rather than badmouthing the school. Could you not have a chat with the teacher and see if theres a trigger or suggest she gets a quiet half hour to recover if she feels "ill"? You don't mention anythign about how the anxiety is being dealt with (apols if I missed something have somewhat skimmed the thread).

I also have a child with school anxiety. She's played the sickness card too, on one occasion she worked herself up into such a state that she was actually sick, but then had a miraculous recovery once she no longer had to go to school.

We're working with the school to address her issues, which luckily for us is going well, but dd is having to learn the hard way that the way to deal with problems is not to fake illness - if she gets a day off because she's "ill" then she has an utterly boring day at home and any clubs or friends over or whatever that day is cancelled. It's not a punishment as such but a reminder that if you are too ill for school you are too ill for anything else, ie actions have consequences. As you say, it's not her fault she has school anxiety but she needs to learn to manage it and control it, not to wiggle out of it.

My DD's primary school only calls parents when absolutely necessary. They let them sit for a while on some chairs and see if they get better. They try to find out if something else is going on and most times, the child ends up going back to rejoin their class.

Schools are really variable on this issue.

I was unwell a lot as a child, I had glandular fever which had a v long recovery period, and a few other illnesses. I was often too tired for the hustle and bustle of the classroom/playground, so I used to sit in the school reception area with a book, or some paper and pencils, til I felt better. This was from 7 upwards. Never needed anyone to supervise me, nor was there anyone to do so. My mum was only ever called if I actually was too ill to be at school (I think this happened maybe once).

This was in the 1980s at a pretty standard primary in a v working class area. It staggers me that 30 years on, schools are less capable of making plans for children who are a bit ill/anxious /sad, not really bad enough to go home but could do with a quiet place to sit and calm down or rest.

My own DSs school used to call me at the drop of a hat over anything because we live in a MC area where most families have a sahp, or grandparents on tap who are always within 5 mins of the school at all times, apparently .

Conversely, my ex mil who works in a school in a fairly deprived area, said they'd never phone parents because (unless child required hospital treatment) they wouldn't come before normal pick up time. She was astonished my DSs school rang me for such reasons as he had a noisy cough that was disturbing the class...or that he'd had a nosebleed so needed a clean shirt bringing in.

OP, I think a word with teacher - if they can find your DD somewhere to go when she's feeling anxious or worried that might help.

Just a reminder that Mumsnet's raison d'etre is to make lives easier and that if there's one thing we can all do with, it's some moral support.
Thanks ever so.

Obviously schools have very different policies illustrated by this comment
We live in a very litigious world now, it's a different era to 20 or 30 years ago when a sick child would be made to sit in the corridor or an office for a couple of hours before anyone was called
This is exactly what dc primary school do. And it's not the teacher making a judgement, they send them to the office and the office staff sit them outside in the corridor and get on with their work. They are very hot on attendance & are very open about these policies.
Either someone at op school made a snap judgement or they just don't have the same policies.
Op if you know it's anxiety related, make an appointment with her teacher to discuss & put in place a plan if it happens again. They surely don't want to be sending her home so will hopefully be open to suggestions like letting her have 10 minutes quiet time in the library or at outside the classroom. If she's quiet & noise sensitive she may well be distressed by shouting & mayhem etc which is normal for kids to run around shouting bug if it's upsetting your dd her teacher will really appreciate you letting her know & will help her work out a solution. Don't whatever you do mention how awkward/inconvenient it is to collect her though

These things happen.

DS1 was up early, this morning, with tummy ache. I was fiddling around with phones before 7am, cancelling his school transport.

Since 10am, he's been constantly pestering me for more food. His school is 45 miles away, so I don't have the option of sending him in.

I've had to abandon a planned child-free shopping trip. It's not the end of the world, though. I'm actually quite relieved that he's perky and hungry, rather than hurling into a bucket.

You probably need to begin by talking to her teacher. If the teacher is unable to help, escalate to deputy head or head. As the issue is anxiety you could copy in the SENCO on any emails and ask him or her to be in any meeting you set up with the teacher (are they still called SENCOs? Teacher with responsibility for special needs - when I was teaching that didn't only mean things related directly to academic work but accessing the curriculum generally, and it sounds as if your DD'S anxiety is preventing her fully accessing the curriculum, if it is driving her out of class) You could also email the school office/ secretary and ask to be sent an electronic copy of the school's official policy on sickness during the school day.

Having had 2 professional parents who left me in the school office properly howling in pain with ear infections (and also declined to sign the consent form allowing me to be given pain killers in their absence because they knew best about when to give me any medication) I do get where some of the harsher responses have come from, but in fact your dilemma is that she is missing school when she shouldn't be.

Perhaps a new post asking how to get school to help you enable your anxious DD to stay in school as much as possible as you are concerned she is missing out on her education unnecessarily with a name change would present the same problem in a more favourable way than asking how to stop school calling you when you're at horse riding events would go down better :o

"my DSs school rang me for such reasons as he had a noisy cough that was disturbing the class..."

I would rather the teacher send the child home... It maybe just a cough for the child, but he/she is definitely spreading germs.
And for child like mine, if he catches it, could mean a week in hospital...

She was telling them she was ill

Where does it say she was telling them she was ill? I had the impression the school had decided she was ill purely on the basis that she was very quiet, or did I misunderstand? I can well believe this might have been the case because I was asked to collect my DS1 twice when he was in KS2, both times because his teachers had unilaterally decided he looked as if he had something wrong with him, when he was adamant there was nothing wrong at all.

Irvine, with respect if I'd kept my DC off school every time they had a cough, or runny nose (despite feeling perfectly well in themselves) they would have missed weeks of school each year. I hardly think that would have been in their interest and am certain it would have taken them below acceptable levels of attendance. For a minor cold which would not be treated by my GP.

And in any event, my DS possibly spreading germs was not the reason for the call, it was because his cough was noisy. I'm sure there were plenty of other children in his class also spreading germs whose parents weren't called simply because they coughed more quietly...

OK, sorry Velvet.

I think yes the op is being judged for her situation. If I'd posted 'I had to drive 50 miles home from work and when I got there she asked to go to brownies' the responses would have been different.

It is difficult but dd's school seem to have an extremely high threshold for sending them home. Its ironic to send children home mindlessly when they then apparently in some cases query absence for legitimate illness. So imo Yanbu op