"Can you come and collect your child right now - she's sick."

[backinthebox]

First day back at school after half term and by 10.45am I was back at school to collect DD (8) because she wasn't feeling very well. She was absolutely fine when I dropped her off. I had an event I had been very much looking forward to that was impossible to take DD with me to (first day of the winter run of horse riding events.) So I missed my day out with friends and stayed at home with DD instead. She didn't seem very ill, just a bit quiet, and by lunchtime she was looking very perky indeed. She said she even felt well enough to go to Brownies as they were having a bonfire. I'd told her if she was too ill to be at school she would probably to ill to be able to go to Brownies, but by 12.30 she was begging to go back to school since she wanted to go to Brownies. So I took her back, and she was fine for the rest of the day. By this point it was too late to catch up with my friends.

When I was at school if you felt ill you were taken to a quiet room to sit down for an hour or so to see if you were really ill or just needing some time out. Only if you were physically injured or being sick were parents called in. I'm frequently away with work, always out of the country. My husband would find it difficult to leave work if running a training course or chairing a meeting, and though we have a nanny she has another job during the day once she has dropped the children off at school.

AIBU to think that school should be better placed to make a decision as to whether a child is really sick or there are other issues before calling parents? I am fairly certain there are no bullying issues, but she is the youngest in the year and sometimes lags a little behind her classmates emotionally and needs a bit of time to process things. I'd like to speak to someone at the school but not sure whether that person would be her teacher, the head or the secretary (who took the decision to send her home.)

Given you didn't mention anxiety in your first post, that's a bit of a drip feed...

How aware are school of the anxiety? Has she seen a dr about it? If it's not been mentioned to them then you can't expect them to deal with it appropriately.

fwiw, my kids school wouldn't have sent home a child who wasn't clearly ill; I would get a call saying Child was feeling under the weather and we're keeping an eye. Then if it worsened they would call, or I could collect if I wanted - allowing for me to make a judgment depending on what I knew about the child that day (very tired, worried, all fine etc). So if school did ring demanding pick up just because she was playing droopy then I wouldn't be impressed.

Equally though if she'd been collected at 1045 I don't think she would have been allowed back 2 hours later!

Having said what I have just said though, I do think that your original OP was centred around your needs and the fact that you missed out on your social life and you didn't come across well at all. It doesn't matter if you are working abroad, have a nanny, or have a shift packing biscuits in the local factory. Everyones lives are busy but school is not childcare and any parent should have someone available to pick up their child should the school ring. If your child was complaining about feeling ill then the teacher would not be able to give their attention to the rest of the class.

Yes quiet word with the teacher is the way to go. Are there any friendship issues? A particular lesson she might be feeling anxious about? We went through a phase of tummy aches in the mornings and it turned out someone was being unkind to him at school.

How often have they sent her home?

Ask for a meeting with school to discuss DDs anxiety, but don't major on the being sent home because that's almost a red herring. It won't do her any good either to learn that faking illness is a useful way to get out of situations that make her anxious, or to be forced to carry on in a classroom situation that's making her feel physically unwell through anxiety. The answer is to solve the root cause of the problem which is that she's feeling anxious in school - if you are pretty sure she is.

What does DD have to say about school?

Yes I agree a drip feed.

Your daughter had less than a couple of hours off school.

I'm surprised they welcomed her back in so freely without any discussion to be honest.

Dd school is different but there is a full time nurse there and a sick bay etc. if they called me then I would assume she needed to come straight home.

backinthebox people can only respond to the information you give them.

Re your revised post:

Speak to your DD
Speak to the teacher.

Wrt contingency - there is someone available to collect her whenever school feel like sending her home. Our plans are solid, but negatively affect whoever would have to go in a collect her. Which is NOT A PROBLEM if she is sick but is highly irritating if she is not.

I did send her to Brownies. I don't think it is appropriate to punish her if there is an issue at school that needs dealing with. Someone has mentioned putting your head down for a few minutes quiet time or sitting in the head's office for a while - these are the things I recall from my school days, I didn't know if schools still did them or if calling parents to come and collect is the first action. If it is, I had better give up work right now, as clearly only an idiot would continue to work AND have children!

Erm, do you read any of the posts on Mumsnet or actually talk to any parents? There is a lot of them involving problems with childcare. Take a look and you might find that the vast majority of us have the same problems.

Why are you so sure it's anxiety related? She was very eager to go back, very quickly...

As well as speaking to the teachers, have a Google for some books on childhood anxiety so you can help her find some coping strategies. Crikey, anxiety is dreadful as an adult, I dread to think how it feels as a child. Poor little thing.

It's an issue for you and your DD. Teachers aren't psychic. Find out from DD what was causing her to be anxious before you have a discussion with the teacher.

I repeat - teachers have to give children the benefit of the doubt. The "head on your desk" days are long gone. The head cannot be tied in her office supervising a DC, she has work to do around the school.

Your DD has learned that faking illness has no consequences - she went to brownies. She'll probably do it again.

Wrt contingency - there is someone available to collect her whenever school feel like sending her home.

Jeez the school didn't 'feel like sending her home' she was telling them she was ill!

No, Shutthatdoor, not drs, just adults who are experienced in looking after children and aware that just because a child says they are ill, it isn't necessarily true, they might just fancy a day at home or be upset about something happening at school.

In that case I'd try to get to the bottom of what's causing the anxiety (easier said than done, of course, I've had GAD since I was very young). Is it purely overstimulation? If so, can you work on this at home and ask for support at school? Or does she have underlying issues at school or worry excessively about school related matters? Etc etc.

I think certain schools can be quick to send DCs home. I know of 3 DCs in DS' class who were regularly getting sent home. The parents spoke to the class teacher and the Deputy HT to explain when they felt the DCs could be kept in school and what was causing the problem. In each case, the teacher was happy to keep them in school. She just needed an explanation and permission from the parents.

Why are you so sure it's anxiety related? She was very eager to go back, very quickly...

Very true

No, Shutthatdoor, not drs, just adults who are experienced in looking after children and aware that just because a child says they are ill, it isn't necessarily true, they might just fancy a day at home or be upset about something happening at school.

And if they made the wrong call? Everyone would be up in arms then!

Your Op was focussed on the vast inconvenience.... Nothing mentioned of possible anxiety issues.

I believe this is what triggered your less helpful responses.

there is someone available to collect her whenever school feel like sending her home.

It wasn't because they 'felt like sending her home' though was it.

She was telling them she was ill.

To me, sending home at the smallest hint of illness seems unusual. My kids school is far from a boot camp and I've had (from DD who is a wee bit of a drama queen), plenty of 'Miss X said to sit on the carpet/ rest on the bean bag/ have a drink of water / see how it feels in a minute'.

I've only ever had a call in what I would consider entirely appropriate circumstances.

Is it possible your DD is really anxious and looking convincingly unwell? My DS suffers from anxiety and he can look awful if he's in the grip of it - shaky, tearful, etc.

These days schools are very focussed on keeping attendance up so I'm sure it's pretty rare to call at the first sign of potential illness. Give them the benefit of the doubt; you have no idea how her anxiety was presenting itself. She probably felt considerably better the minute she saw you and therefore you haven't seen what the teacher saw. It's hard enough working out whether your own child is ill but it's a nightmare with other people's kids! Teachers do tend to get stick either way - I've seen parents kicking off at my children's school because they HAVEN'T been called.

Yeah OP - in future fly back from abroad or get your husband to cancel the training he is being paid to deliver just to collect your daughter when she isn't even actually sick. It's not like the government won't support you when one or both of you lose your jobs - oh hang on a minute

Oh FGS-They're not going to lose their jobs because they have a child! On this occasion the child was not ill. On the next occasion she could be.

The OP also drip fed about the anxiety but just sent her DD back to school 1hr and 45 mins later.

Your DD is 8. 8 is old enough to understand that she shouldn't pretend to be ill.

If she has anxiety problems then you should make an appointment to see DD's class teacher & talk through possible causes and solutions.

What you shouldn't do is criticise her school for calling you when DD tells them she is feeling ill. Teachers and teachers, not Drs or nurses. They simply aren't qualified to judge whether a child is ill or not.

We live in a very litigious world now, it's a different era to 20 or 30 years ago when a sick child would be made to sit in the corridor or an office for a couple of hours before anyone was called. Along with the standard "is it maths next?" Nowadays that treatment would land the school in a Daily Mail sad face article or even in Court, if the illness turned out to be severe. Schools can't do right for doing wrong.

And schools are not childcare, they are education. There is no-one employed to supervise sick children. Unless you are at a private school, where there may possibly be a nurse.

Gah! Teachers are teachers. Not and.

One thought though..my ds went through a phase of a few years of horrible stomach pain but wouldn't be sick.

I'd duly collect him from school and he genuinely felt ill and looked awful. Within a couple of hours after a rest he'd be right as rain again. I couldn't figure it out, no issues at school, nothing.

We eventually pinned it down through elimination to probable stomach migraines (which Id never heard of). Never had a definitive diagnosis though. He has gradually grown out of them thankfully.

I knew he wasn't faking because he has always liked school and hates missing anything. But it also happened at other times when he'd be about to go off and do something he enjoyed or during the holidays. We never worked out what would trigger them though.