"Can you come and collect your child right now - she's sick."

[backinthebox]

First day back at school after half term and by 10.45am I was back at school to collect DD (8) because she wasn't feeling very well. She was absolutely fine when I dropped her off. I had an event I had been very much looking forward to that was impossible to take DD with me to (first day of the winter run of horse riding events.) So I missed my day out with friends and stayed at home with DD instead. She didn't seem very ill, just a bit quiet, and by lunchtime she was looking very perky indeed. She said she even felt well enough to go to Brownies as they were having a bonfire. I'd told her if she was too ill to be at school she would probably to ill to be able to go to Brownies, but by 12.30 she was begging to go back to school since she wanted to go to Brownies. So I took her back, and she was fine for the rest of the day. By this point it was too late to catch up with my friends.

When I was at school if you felt ill you were taken to a quiet room to sit down for an hour or so to see if you were really ill or just needing some time out. Only if you were physically injured or being sick were parents called in. I'm frequently away with work, always out of the country. My husband would find it difficult to leave work if running a training course or chairing a meeting, and though we have a nanny she has another job during the day once she has dropped the children off at school.

AIBU to think that school should be better placed to make a decision as to whether a child is really sick or there are other issues before calling parents? I am fairly certain there are no bullying issues, but she is the youngest in the year and sometimes lags a little behind her classmates emotionally and needs a bit of time to process things. I'd like to speak to someone at the school but not sure whether that person would be her teacher, the head or the secretary (who took the decision to send her home.)

I find that schools tend to be too quick to phone parents when children say they don't feel well. When I was at Primary School we would be told to rest our head on the desk and the teacher would keep an eye on us in class - I can remember having a few good snoozes at school

I would be frustrated too if I had to cancel a day out to catch up with friends or was called out of work (and lost wages) because the school hadn't attempted to determine if my DC was genuinely ill or just tired/wanting to go home.

OP has made it clear that her DD wasn't actually ill and was able to go back to school very soon afterwards, hence her frustration. If her DD had turned out to be ill I'm sure she wouldn't be posting. Why are PPs giving OP a hard time for being disappointed about having to cancel a social event for, what turned out to be, no reason. (Is it because she mentioned she has a DH and a Nanny?) Parents are allowed to have adult friendships and time that doesn't revolve around DCs, home and work.

I don't think the OP is being that unreasonable actually! I wouldn't mind missing work or whatever for a child that was actually ill but this doesn't seem to be the case.
Do you think DD was trying it on or the school just overreacted? I wouldn't expect children to be sent home unless they were properly ill TBH.

Teachers have to give children the benefit of the doubt. What you should have done is kept your daughter off all day and given her a very boring day and evening at home. That way you know that she will only ever try and get the day off if she is really ill because daytime at home will be boring.

You and your husband both sound too busy to alter your schedule for her should an emergency arise. You need to sort that out.

Was your DD trying it on because she knew you had a day off?

I'm with you, OP. If this had been an urgent meeting at work rather than a social event involving an expensive sport the issue would have been seen rather differently on here, I think.

One of the reasons we struggled as a family to maintain two careers was that nursery were constantly sending kids home when they weren't ill. DS1 doesn't get on well in hot rooms and a few minutes running round outside with no coat and he'd be fine again. When dd finally got chicken pox we were hugely relieved because it meant they couldn't keep sending her home with suspected chicken pox.

Unfortunately schools don't have the facilities they used to have (my secondary school had a sick room with two beds I used to spend ages lying on when I had a migraine during the school day) and I don't think it would be considered ok to leave a child on their own in a room with only the occasional check, so it's not feasible any more for them to take the approach they used to.

The school's job is to educate your child, not provide daycare services. If your child isn't well or otherwise can't participate in education, of course the school should phone you and ask you to collect her. If you and your husband travel often, you should have a designated friend or relative or nanny who the school can phone if your daughter needs to be collected during the day.

Um. I was hoping more for a bit of advice as to who to speak to wrt what I consider to be an anxiety related situation being described as illness than being slammed for having a busy social life (insert hollow laugh here!) Obviously I put my child's needs before my own. It is not the first time she has been sent home sick for an anxiety related issue. I don't feel that children should be sent home for such situations but that some discussion with the school is needed. I'm just not sure how to go about such a discussion - obviously I want to be called when she is ill but not when she has a headache because there were a lot of other children shouting too loudly at her.

I realise that I was utterly foolish in mentioning having a nanny (because I have never considered who would take care of my children while I was abroad working, ) riding (because that automatically makes me a posh twat,) and my first day out with friends since March (not had the opportunity since then because - I know you won't believe this! - I was actually working or looking after my children.)

You and your husband both sound too busy to alter your schedule for her should an emergency arise. You need to sort that out

Yeah OP - in future fly back from abroad or get your husband to cancel the training he is being paid to deliver just to collect your daughter when she isn't even actually sick.

It's not like the government won't support you when one or both of you lose your jobs - oh hang on a minute...

So let's start again.

School sent my child home yesterday. They think she was ill, I think it was anxiety. Wwyd?

anxiety can be an illness....

Have you tried sending her to a therapist for her anxiety?

Dd is playing you well

If my primary aged child is picked from school for feeling sick, they stay home for the day and all after school activities are cancelled.

Not as punishment, but if you are feeling so unwell or tired you have to come home you had better spend a day in bed/sofa and have an early night.

You need to talk to dd, not the school

It sounds like the school made the wrong call on this occasion but that does happen from time to time. I sometimes struggle with whether to send them to school in the morning when they're complaining of something or other - I've made the wrong call both ways; once sending a child complaining of a tummy ache to school only for her to throw up in the classroom and other times discovering by 10am that actually they were fine.

As others have said, if it's a frequent issue then you need to speak to the school/teacher about it. You also need to speak to your daughter about not exaggerating/lying about feeling ill in case no-one believes her when she genuinely does feel poorly.

What you/your husband/nanny were doing that day is completely irrelevant and I would advise against mentioning that to the school - the most important thing is that she isn't needlessly missing a day off school.

I agree with you OP. And the first poster was unnecessarily rude.

I would speak to her teacher maybe? She's obviously twisting everyone round her little finger-gets sent home because she wants to, then gets to go to Brownies because she wants to. You need to talk to her,. I wouldn't have allowed her to go to.

I'm frequently away with work, always out of the country. My husband would find it difficult to leave work if running a training course or chairing a meeting, and though we have a nanny she has another job during the day once she has dropped the children off at school.

I'm amazed you have no contingency plan in place for when these situations inevitably arise? Well, time to formulate one and fast (just like the rest of us have to).

In my experience the minute anyone mentions feeling sick, the school are straight on the phone. Understandable really.

If I have to collect anyone from school for feeling ill, off to bed they go for a rest (not TV etc) and after school stuff is put on hold too.

Ah - cross post. That's much more useful information! You definitely need to speak to the teacher then and explain that it's anxiety and sending her home won't help in the long run. See if you can work out a strategy together. I guarantee the teacher won't want her to be sent home when she's not actually ill either!

Oh sorry, I kind of missed the whole point that its anxiety. I would talk to her teacher.

What would I do? I would make an appointment to see the teacher to see if they felt that anxiety was an issue in the classroom. It is a difficult call, having worked 1 to 1 with a child who constantly wanted to go home when things got difficult and challenging at school but if they are complaining of a bad stomach and pain for example the school was right to ring you. Your dd needs some coping strategies and the teacher needs to be aware of your concerns.

Ah, just read about the anxiety

My DS gets that, he feels sick if anxious. I still pick him up and keep him home for the day (no ipad or clubs though).

I addressed the anxiety with the teacher, seperately (she put too much pressure on him, and did nit spot the anxiety as he is cheerful and confident most days)

So talk to the teacher and have clear rules in place with dd that sick is sick and means no clubs and early bed.

My Ds has underlining medical issue, but looks really healthy from outside.
So, when he claimed feeling a bit ill, they didn't take it seriously and even sent him out in rain at playtime.
Ended up in hospital for a week.
Since then, school calls me straight away and I'm really grateful.

I'm sure OP has contingency plans just like we all do. But unless you have either magic fairies or are paying a back-up nanny for every single school day, contingency plans generally involve people who themselves have stuff to do, doing favours for you, in return for which you do favours to them when you can. It's not unreasonable to want the times when you have to call on those people to be limited to the times when your child is actually ill. This really isn't an issue to do with presence or absence of contingency plans.

Poor backinthebox - your OP was pretty much designed to wind people up I'm afraid!

Taking everything else aside - ds went through a stage of being sent home ill when there was clearly (to me) an anxiety issue going on around a specific issue in the classroom.

I went in and talked to both his class teacher and the inclusion/welfare officer to ask them to let them know what I felt was going on and ask them to be a bit less trusting/a bit more encouraging with him for a few days. But more importantly I also talked to my ds about the difference between really feeling poorly and convincing yourself you are poorly when you really just don't want to be there. And we talked a lot about what was making him nervous and we went over breathing/calming techniques to use in school when he needed them.

Thing is - the school can only go on what the child says - and sometimes they genuinely convince themselves ... and sometimes they just realise they are onto a good thing. Incidentally - mine would not have gone to brownies either - if they were poorly enough to go home, then they clearly 'need' an early night just in case.

I would be frustrated too if I had to cancel a day out to catch up with friends or was called out of work (and lost wages) because the school hadn't attempted to determine if my DC was genuinely ill or just tired/wanting to go home.

So along with everything else teachers are expected to be drs now aswell

You just need to speak to the teacher OP

What would I do.

Look into the anxiety issues and what may be causing them? Meet with the teacher.

Don't assume