Help me handle this please- don't want to be That Parent!

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

There's been such a massive jump from Reception class to Yr1 in terms of the teaching, expectations, punishments and communication ...

And I don't want to be That Parent but I'm pretty sure some of this isnt ok, but I want to make sure I deal with it correctly rather than being dismissed as being unrealistic/ demanding etc.

So... 3 different but over lapping situations happening, but I'll share 1 as been trying to post for ages & not finishing the OP!

So

1. DS is very deaf though hearing fluctuates. School knows this, was told new teacher was briefed thoroughly. I have reminded her and also he's gone to ENT appointments in school time which the teacher has approved herself. He now has to have an operation, which maybe gives me a reason to bring it up yet again?

So near beginning of term DS kept getting upset as teacher would tell him off for not doing things and although that seems to have stopped I'm not sure she actually helps him or checks he's heard, I think DS has stopped trying to please her instead :(

He's turned his attention to friendships instead and is best friends with one boy who just never listens, and when they're together DS (who tbh is very up for following others) and the boy are terrible together. It's so easy for DS to stop listening as its really hard work for him to follow what's going on, and I see how tired DS gets at home trying to concentrate and keep up. So DS loves getting absorbed in playing with his friend, and he knows he shouldn't be, but having seen them together, it appears that DS friend knows he's ignoring people enough to stop doing it after being warned, but as DS can't hear a sodding thing anyone says unless they're directly in front of him, he carries on way after when it's acceptable, and it's gone from DS being withdrawn and not following the class (& his friend being renowned for not listening), to DS being the 'naughty one' who gets in trouble all the time but as he gets something out of being silly and loud (friendship) but as he still gets told off even when he's trying to be good, and he seems to accept there's nothing he can do to please his teacher...

So, I don't want to be dismissed or ignored by being the parent excusing her little darling from being a right pain,.. But I am bloody angry about this having written it down - why has no one thought to relate this to his significant hearing loss?!

So he's now getting into trouble for it on a regular basis... Not that they've bothered to tell me or raise it as an issue, but my child has now been punished by really 'grown up punishments' which scare him a lot, Yet the friend although I'm not excusing his behavior, gets away with it as he can hear when to stop in time to avoid getting into trouble - Obviously I don't think I should say anything about the friend to the teacher - unless I suggest separating them at trouble spots? But then if nothing else changes DS just lost the only thing he enjoys about school...

By grown up punishments I mean he's gone from moving down to the cloud etc, to no minor punishments at all, and having to stand by the wall for lunchtime in front of the other classes, DS was scared he wasn't allowed to go back into his classroom and would be trapped outside alone, as no one explained what would happen (or he didn't hear). And this was after another boy got into trouble and had the same punishment for 'pushing DS over deliberately' and DS was too scared to tell the teachers they misunderstood what had happened, and made it worse by crying because it was so unfair and it was his fault so the teachers penalized the other boy even more for 'making DS cry'... Ffs.

And the final straw for me is in an after school club he's been told that if he 'doesn't listen' one more time he'll be sent to the head teacher. He's asked to give up the activity as he knows he cant stop it happening again, and he's terrified of being sent to the head (who's in a completely different building, and only really bad incidents end in going to the ht office, like punching another child or adult etc).

So what the hell do I do?

And to avoid drip dripping...
Other issues:

1. I'm disabled and so can't drop off / pick up very much, and am missing out on loads of communication as its so chaotic eg notes get put in some bags but not all, yet even when I realize we've not had one the teacher will not just give me the letter, and will need asking every drop off and pick up for days and days (until after closing date for trips etc). Then some communication comes by email / parent mail, some on a white board outside the classroom door, some with random paper notes... Basically it's a mess and I can't do anything to ensure DS keeps up as she's not communicating in a way that's compatible with me being disabled (or working parents etc too, & I'm both disabled & working). I asked for her email and she gave two different ones... And I don't know what I'd say in a mail either as I don't want the first communication I manage to have with her to be a massive complaint / accusation. To make all this more frustrating, there was a formal handover which specifically said that I need them to be consistent in the way they communicate because it's so difficult for me to get there/ keep up with short notice stuff.

1. Constant admin and communication errors which never get acknowledged like DS doesn't have his reading books changed for weeks though others are getting regular changed books - then WE get told off for not doing school reading books etc etc, or homework not taken in though it's given into school on the correct day, and DS gets marked down as failing to complete homework... it's something like that every single week and I'm getting the impression DS is being overlooked and marked down because of it.

1. I suspected he's been coasting for ages this term, he's completely disengaged from class work as he gets no encouragement or praise, and expectation are clearly low. He's on a very low reading band, in spite of reading loads at home, and tells me he's 'bad at Maths' which I've been rather surprised at as leaving reception he was praised for his advanced Maths (?!). School signed up to athletics on Friday, and each child was set at their level, and having done some with him, no wonder he's disengaged, he's so bored... So I encouraged him to get through the too easy stuff so he can get to more interesting stuff, and without my doing more than reminding him to press the submit button, he sped through it and got 1600 points in 3 short sessions over 2 days (they get a certificate if they get 1000 points in a week). it was a bit of a shock for me as I've been trusting the school know what they're doing, except they don't do they?

Reading this looooong post makes me realize - this isn't right is it?

You've had lots of good advice on this thread and it's good that you have found your anger as it will give you the strength to implement the advice.

I just wanted to say as the parent of a deaf child, and having dealt with a number of schools, I actually think you should look at changing schools and starting afresh - with the input from your local sensory support team.

IME, if a school is this bad on SEN, and the lack of care and knowledge you have experienced (particularly from HT and senco) indicates they either won't get it or they have no interest in getting it.

One of my DCs attended a school like this and we ended up leaving - it wasn't so much they they couldn't meet their needs, it was they just couldn't be bothered meeting their needs.

NDCS helpline have been very helpful to us in the past and they may also have a local officer who can assist. Definitely speak to your local
Sensory support team too, do you know why he hasn't been referred to them already?

I used to feel really guilty as I was constantly up at the school and I worried myself stupid about being that parent. Then I had a eureka moment. DD needs me to be that parent. It's my job to get these people to meet her needs and if it takes being that parent then by god I'd be that parent.

One thing I would say though, having gone all the way through the education system, is there's no point flogging a dead horse. You have to know when enough is enough. My DD's last school was brilliant and rubbish at the same and I loved them for it. They didn't have a clue about autism and they stumbled from one crisis to another. But they cared, genuinely wanted to get it right, engaged with me and never stopped trying. The school before that could have cared less. I wasted so much time fighting them when really it was obviously pointless.

Such good advice :)

I think the other boy / social stuff confused me for ages and I excused the school too much thinking that it was them being naught together, and it was probably fine and deserved most of the time etc. I think through this thread and me observing and questioning much more, that the friendship is very much a side issue, and DS gets punished mostly on his own after one memorable time...
Am glad I posted for lots of reasons and v much because I might have focused on that and not the core issue...

Ok it's later.

Someone said that the teacher might refuse to discuss it at parents evening ???????

I don't know how I'd handle that, after DS woke up sobbing this morning. Or rather I think I do know how I'd handle that, and I don't want to be seen by everyone sobbing and crying. That won't help DS at all, oh look there goes DS, the son of the disabled howling woman...

I don't think this is something to discuss at parents evening. You won't have time. I think parents evening is the equivalent of a quick check up for parents whose kids are ticking along nicely.

I would see what the teacher has to say and just raise the fact that you have some concerns and need to get together at a mutually conveinient time to go through them.

But she won't give me a time which is soon, hence me having to go in as its the only way I can get hold of her.

God, am dreading it.

If she won't give you a time to discuss your sons special needs then go above her. Contact the head teacher. Say you are very concerned about your sons's needs not being met, you've tried to book a time with the teacher to discuss this but she is unavailable so you have no choice but to raise this with the head instead, now please can you have an urgent appointment to discuss this.

Thinking of you. Hope you're OK.

How did it go OP?

Thank you so much for thinking of me on Monday. As a first meeting I think it went ok, not amazing and perfect, but I wasn't really thinking it would get all sorted in a 10 min appointment.

I used lots of the phrasing and suggestions from here and remain pathetically grateful for all your help. Now that stuff is being done / communication started I also feel instantly less emotionally all over the place either - thank goodness! I think a lot of that was coming from feeling powerless to do anything, rather than me going completely nuts! :)

His class teacher I think was rather relieved to find out the most urgent stuff wasn't related to her! I saw her shoulders visibly relax when I explained about lunch, breaks and other classes, so as far as keeping her on side I think she hasn't got her defenses up completely anyway, which is better than I hoped.

She said she'd speak to the other staff and remind them about his hearing loss, and agreed it would be good to get the SENCO involved, who only works part time so am waiting to hear when she could do an appointment. Fingers crossed is soon as I think telling the staff is only half the battle and they need to be able to know what to do in response, and of course the class room stuff needs thinking about to... So I'm hoping the SENCO is able to help lots...

Interestingly, the teacher said DS was doing really well academically, and was quite surprised when I said that DS doesn't have that impression at all. Though she did agree that the reading level was really not right and has put him up two levels in one go now which at least shows she does react to things eventually, it's just getting her to actually pay attention in the first place and get through the automatic brush off.

And she says she's only told him off twice in class, I'm circumstances I fully support her on, but again, that's so different from DS's impression.

I think two things are happening, one physically that he can't hear alot of the normal goings on which includes the good stuff or classroom management stuff and can only hear the more raised voice stuff. And the second thing is that because he's missing a lot of the communication and doesn't know the rules and procedures he's feeling overwhelmed / confused and that's feeding his anxiety & making him retreat into himself. He's always done that, when he can't cope with something he turns inwards, and he's so shut down/ the inside stuff (trying not to cry, being overwhelmed with his internal feelings and thoughts), that it creates another barrier to hearing and taking in what's being said.

The teacher was really surprised to hear that DS can't hear the good stuff as well as the bad, I think it was a real revelation to her... I hope she believes it though as is very different from her understanding of the class room and her interactions with DS.

I was doing some online reading and saw two suggestion that might really help and am hoping to discuss with the SENCO/ class teacher, but remain concerned that the focus seems to be on just telling DS to listen more/ pay more attention/ or that what he perceives is just wrong... Which feels a very rational, grown up way of addressing the problems. Hopefully the SENCO will be a bit more child- focused.

The two things I saw were 'visual cues' for things, so, using another sense rather than just trying to use auditory stuff but louder.

And 'social stories' to explain things - maybe that's not the right term/ thing but I do think he needs someone to sit down and go through the class processes, punishments etc, and not just verbally as I'm not sure that will stick when he finds it hard to take things in via ears. What would be even better would be to tell me what happens so I can reinforce it / do it at home lots too. The problem at the moment is that I'm in the dark just as much as DS!

Any thoughts or other ideas gratefully received! I probably should repost in sn but everything's here on this thread and I'll have to work out how to summarise it properly...

I do remember that last year it got picked up on really early that he shuts down and withdraws into himself so saying anything positive at that moment has very limited success, but when the reception teacher realized what was happening (from talking to me about a very minor moment where DS had decided he'd done terribly when she had thought he understood he'd done well), she immediately worked out a plan to ensure that it wouldn't matter, and she proposed a solution rather than me scrabbling around for answers.

She did a 'round up' of the day each day before the school day finished, and she just made sure she repeated any positive feedback for DS then, so it would go into DSs head! It's only now I realize what a gifted teacher she was, and how much she did for all her pupils without needing to formalize anything!!! I did give loads of positive feedback, but from my perspective this year, I would have praised her to the rafters!!!