Help me handle this please- don't want to be That Parent!

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

There's been such a massive jump from Reception class to Yr1 in terms of the teaching, expectations, punishments and communication ...

And I don't want to be That Parent but I'm pretty sure some of this isnt ok, but I want to make sure I deal with it correctly rather than being dismissed as being unrealistic/ demanding etc.

So... 3 different but over lapping situations happening, but I'll share 1 as been trying to post for ages & not finishing the OP!

So

1. DS is very deaf though hearing fluctuates. School knows this, was told new teacher was briefed thoroughly. I have reminded her and also he's gone to ENT appointments in school time which the teacher has approved herself. He now has to have an operation, which maybe gives me a reason to bring it up yet again?

So near beginning of term DS kept getting upset as teacher would tell him off for not doing things and although that seems to have stopped I'm not sure she actually helps him or checks he's heard, I think DS has stopped trying to please her instead :(

He's turned his attention to friendships instead and is best friends with one boy who just never listens, and when they're together DS (who tbh is very up for following others) and the boy are terrible together. It's so easy for DS to stop listening as its really hard work for him to follow what's going on, and I see how tired DS gets at home trying to concentrate and keep up. So DS loves getting absorbed in playing with his friend, and he knows he shouldn't be, but having seen them together, it appears that DS friend knows he's ignoring people enough to stop doing it after being warned, but as DS can't hear a sodding thing anyone says unless they're directly in front of him, he carries on way after when it's acceptable, and it's gone from DS being withdrawn and not following the class (& his friend being renowned for not listening), to DS being the 'naughty one' who gets in trouble all the time but as he gets something out of being silly and loud (friendship) but as he still gets told off even when he's trying to be good, and he seems to accept there's nothing he can do to please his teacher...

So, I don't want to be dismissed or ignored by being the parent excusing her little darling from being a right pain,.. But I am bloody angry about this having written it down - why has no one thought to relate this to his significant hearing loss?!

So he's now getting into trouble for it on a regular basis... Not that they've bothered to tell me or raise it as an issue, but my child has now been punished by really 'grown up punishments' which scare him a lot, Yet the friend although I'm not excusing his behavior, gets away with it as he can hear when to stop in time to avoid getting into trouble - Obviously I don't think I should say anything about the friend to the teacher - unless I suggest separating them at trouble spots? But then if nothing else changes DS just lost the only thing he enjoys about school...

By grown up punishments I mean he's gone from moving down to the cloud etc, to no minor punishments at all, and having to stand by the wall for lunchtime in front of the other classes, DS was scared he wasn't allowed to go back into his classroom and would be trapped outside alone, as no one explained what would happen (or he didn't hear). And this was after another boy got into trouble and had the same punishment for 'pushing DS over deliberately' and DS was too scared to tell the teachers they misunderstood what had happened, and made it worse by crying because it was so unfair and it was his fault so the teachers penalized the other boy even more for 'making DS cry'... Ffs.

And the final straw for me is in an after school club he's been told that if he 'doesn't listen' one more time he'll be sent to the head teacher. He's asked to give up the activity as he knows he cant stop it happening again, and he's terrified of being sent to the head (who's in a completely different building, and only really bad incidents end in going to the ht office, like punching another child or adult etc).

So what the hell do I do?

And to avoid drip dripping...
Other issues:

1. I'm disabled and so can't drop off / pick up very much, and am missing out on loads of communication as its so chaotic eg notes get put in some bags but not all, yet even when I realize we've not had one the teacher will not just give me the letter, and will need asking every drop off and pick up for days and days (until after closing date for trips etc). Then some communication comes by email / parent mail, some on a white board outside the classroom door, some with random paper notes... Basically it's a mess and I can't do anything to ensure DS keeps up as she's not communicating in a way that's compatible with me being disabled (or working parents etc too, & I'm both disabled & working). I asked for her email and she gave two different ones... And I don't know what I'd say in a mail either as I don't want the first communication I manage to have with her to be a massive complaint / accusation. To make all this more frustrating, there was a formal handover which specifically said that I need them to be consistent in the way they communicate because it's so difficult for me to get there/ keep up with short notice stuff.

1. Constant admin and communication errors which never get acknowledged like DS doesn't have his reading books changed for weeks though others are getting regular changed books - then WE get told off for not doing school reading books etc etc, or homework not taken in though it's given into school on the correct day, and DS gets marked down as failing to complete homework... it's something like that every single week and I'm getting the impression DS is being overlooked and marked down because of it.

1. I suspected he's been coasting for ages this term, he's completely disengaged from class work as he gets no encouragement or praise, and expectation are clearly low. He's on a very low reading band, in spite of reading loads at home, and tells me he's 'bad at Maths' which I've been rather surprised at as leaving reception he was praised for his advanced Maths (?!). School signed up to athletics on Friday, and each child was set at their level, and having done some with him, no wonder he's disengaged, he's so bored... So I encouraged him to get through the too easy stuff so he can get to more interesting stuff, and without my doing more than reminding him to press the submit button, he sped through it and got 1600 points in 3 short sessions over 2 days (they get a certificate if they get 1000 points in a week). it was a bit of a shock for me as I've been trusting the school know what they're doing, except they don't do they?

Reading this looooong post makes me realize - this isn't right is it?

(OP, I've just reported your last post because I think you've put your DS's real name in the last paragraph - you might want to report it too if that's the case, and see if MNHQ can edit it out.)

That sounds like a great start. Go with the attitude that you are keen to support and work with the teacher - don't feel that she might take umbrage or worry about her reaction. Your calm confidence and pleasant supportive manner will shine through. Let us know how it goes.

that all sounds great OP. Write it down and let them have a copy.

I think having the attutide
'don't punish him for not hearing, do punish him for being naughty, but you need to separate the two'

is the right way to go.

Reading your post about his ops and the treatment he has had. I wonder if some behaviour is kicking off because of this?
My dd had a load of hospital appointments and ops when she was little. She always seemed fine and bounced back out of each op smiling and full of beans. BUT she was much more clingy and needy at home over that whole period. I had intended to put her into nursery and return to work part time and found myself putting it off and putting it off , and realised in the end that she wasn't ready, her way of expressing what was happening to her medially was by being clingy with me.

So I wonder if some things may be his way of expressing his fear and concerns over the medical stuff?
I don't want in the least to diminish how important the school's attitude is, I am appalled at him being told off for not hearing, but he may need some extra emotional support at the moment, which the school should also be aware of.

So had an email about impending parents evening (still with no way to reply, just an FYI that there will be a list stuck on the door tomorrow - which of course I won't be able to access.

Access issues of signing up aside, should I deal with this at the parents evening or no?

Btw I looked up the SEN teacher, he has left. Looked up discipline and the pdf is out of date, was written by the last ht.

Ffs.

Oh and good point steppemum, the school should already be giving extra support due to close family bereavement and me being very ill and he may have it as well, oh plus his abusive father who we're hiding from.

Ffs. I don't talk about this stuff as it makes me sound such a fucking victim, and I don't want to have to go through it again to try and show a very young teacher to be a little compassionate when she's already been briefed on this stuff previously and I can't help taking her complete ignoring of everything she's been told as a really shocking thing to do.

I can't add anything specifically helpful to the advice given here, but I would say that this is a shocking way to treat a disabled child, and I would not give a shit about being 'THAT parent' in your shoes. Their opinion of you doesn't matter. Definitely get someone to go with you to any meeting, and I would get what you want to say typed out as a script - that way, if you feel a bit overcome you can just read the script, or even pass it to your friend to read for you. If you were anywhere near me, I'd happily come with you as I am fine with situations like this and I am on your DS's behalf reading this. Good luck.

I am also v angry on your behalf.

I am currently deaf in one ear with total blockage its never happened before and I can totally sympathise with your son, its extraordinary how much its affected me.

We had a child at DD school with imparied hearing and the parent told the teacher she needs to be in a seat where she can see the teacher. She never was put in that seat, so sometimes when her hearing was V bad. she had little idea what was going on.

Its that utter sheer maddness?

The next teacher she had immediately put her in the correct seat.

Op sometimes we have to cause a fuss for people to listen.

good luck!

Ah so I ran out of time to get a meeting before parents eve as its on Monday eve...

I only thought of emailing the office to ask for the teachers email address last night and today the teacher put up appointment sheets for parents evening.

So I sent an email but think I kind of missed the boat and don't know how to best use the 10 mins of very public time on Monday?

Any ideas?

I would email and ask if the designated senco will be in attendence and ask for a seperate appointment for them as well. Our senco is always available at parents evening. I would be factual and listen to what they (the teacher) says and maybe give a list of concerns. Give the senco the same list and ask for a joint meeting at a later date.
That's just me though. I have had similar issues and made a complaint about a woman I teach with and the fact she didn't engage with my teenage deaf son and all she would Say was 'he shouts out'.... He always shouts he can't bloody hear

I am extremely angry on your behalf. That is a shocking way to treat any Yr1 child.

So what would I do?

• ask for an urgent meeting with the class teacher and SENCO (or equivalent) outside the parents evening slots. What you need to say is too long for a 10 min slot.
• at the same time as booking the appointment ask for up to date copies of the school's SEN policy, the behaviour policy and the concerns and complaints policy for good measure. Make a note of what the policy says should happen with ref to your child and these sorts of issues.
• see if you can get some advice from some of the support agencies listed up thread.
• take a written list of your issues to the meeting. Go through it slowly point by point. Be very polite. At each point ask what they are planning to do. Emphasise that you wish to work in partnership with the school. Armed with info from the support agencies/the web/this thread, make suggestions as to how things could be improved. Make a note of their response. Don't move on to the next point until you have agreed an action. I would also include in this meeting the point that their way of communicating makes it very difficult for you as a disabled working parent. Suggest the home contact diary should be used.
• follow up with an email detailing everything that was agreed in that meeting.
• follow up a week later to check things are underway.
• if you are not happy, ask for an urgent meeting with the HT laying out exactly what has / hasn't happened.
• if this doesn't get you anywhere, escalate to the governors.

Be calm, polite and extremely firm. Do not let them fob you off. Channel your inner Tanya Byron (or imagine us lot at your back!!).

Well DS just told me he got told off again at break for 'not listening' and missed his afternoon break because of it...

Second day back and happening again already :(

Sooo, how do I introduce the whole thing to get it off on the right foot? I'm worried I'll sound too cross ... How do I say 'well, as you errr, ALREADY KNOW my son has hearing loss in both ears, but apparently you're completely ignoring that in favor of making his life harder, punishing him for not hearing over and over again, missing play times and making him terrified of doing sports club as he knows he can't stop being told off for 'not listening' and has been threatened that he'll get sent to the ht, oh and not even bothering to discuss it with me. ROARRRR'

Ahem. Clearly I'll try and say it differently but usually I'd kind of build in a face saving excuse and making light of the situation a bit... But I can't do that as to be frank, it's fucking disgusting that this is happening & I feel too protective of by little boy to minimize it in any way... Yet sensible head says it's not going to help much if i make the teacher feel guilty or in the wrong as then she'll get defensive and try and prove herself right by continuing with the awfulness..

Bah humbug, I hate all this school stuff!

No reply to my email, had asked if she was avail fri just in case but I guess she either hasn't seen it, or hasn't had time to reply (or is freaking out and being annoyed,,,)

On the up side I bumped into the Senco today and she seems lovely - I didn't mention anything about DS, just general friendliness which might help if I need to take it further! Didn't realize who she was until after...

Anyway, still cringing at having to broach it all at parents evening. Ergh.

Well DS just told me he got told off again at break for 'not listening' and missed his afternoon break because of it...

This is so shocking. What a terrible way to treat a little boy.

Personally I wouldn't be raising all this at parents' evening. It's far too complicated to deal with in ten minutes, plus not appropriate to discuss sensitive issues about your son in a busy room.

I'd email now setting out a concise summary of my concerns, and ask for a separate meeting next week with appropriate staff including the SENCO.

Use the parents' evening for a general update on your son's progress and remind the teacher then that you have a separate meeting booked.

I am really sorry to hear of your experience and experienced something very similar with my ds last year in year 1.

Please raise concerns with teacher at parents evening and request a seperate meeting, the time allocated to each parent / teacher will not be sufficient to get the teacher to respond fully and other parents may be present and waiting to be seen. Get an overall view of the teachers perspective and then request a specific meeting to discuss your concerns.

You have mentioned your son is deaf, as is mine but obviously there are gradients, does it affect both ears/ how severe is it? My child is deaf in both ears, however it is mild. He wears a hearing aid in one side and we are keeping a very close eye on his other ear. He has been assessed by the deaf teacher locally, he is the first child in his school to be diagnosed with a hearing impairment and we have provided alot of knowledge to the teachers ourselves. Both the deaf teacher and senco within the school felt that his hearing impairment did not warrant regular support. When is your sons operation, obviously if significantly impaired in both ears it is not fair that your son is not being treated asap, in the meantime make sure he is sitting as close to the teacher as possible.

Last year we had lots of difficulties with similar behaviours and the discipline methods detailed in previous postings were used with my child last year, but he was not the only child who's poor behaviour was treated this way, is your child being singled out and treated differently to the others? in the end I had to sit my child down with a strict discussion of "you do not play with X in school" it was awful and I hated having to do it, but the result has been his behaviour has improved, friendships are being reformed and using lots of praise he seems much happier in school.

Good luck

Don't do parents' evening, and don't do e-mails to the teacher if you aren't getting good replies.

Call the main school number. Explain that you need a meeting with the SENCo (not the class teacher at this point) to discuss your DS's hearing impairment and their provision for it. This has to cover ALL parts of the day, as the whole school staff will be involved - e.g. teachers from other classes on break duty, midday supervisors etc - and that is why you need the SENCo not the class teacher.

In the same phone call, explain that due to his hearing, and your disability and working, you are not able to access many school communications. Ask for the administrator's help. Do all letters come out via the office, or do teachers do their own? Could your son have a special folder in the office into which a copy of every letter is put (we do this often, for non-resident parents, who then pick it all up on 'their' contact days)? Please can they suggest how it should be dealt with when something is put up on the whiteboard e.g. photo of the whiteboard e-mailed / texted to you?

Once you have had a meeting with the SENCo, then you need another joint meeting with the class teacher about how they are going to implement the specific 'in class' recommendations, ad this should be written down on a formal document with review dates. I would suggest that you ask for a review after just a couple of weeks, to iron out any issues quickly, then make review dates longer, especially as it will be after the operation and you can use that excuse to be able to change things if his hearing improves.

I also agree with the idea of involving specialist services BUT the school may be more accepting of this if this has been discussed and agreed by the SENCo first. Obviously if the SENCo isn't helpful, then go to the specialist service yourself. there may well be a lead time, which will be irritating.

OP this is appalling for you and your DS! I have no relevant experience or suggestions to help, although other lovely posters seem to be giving you great support and advice.

The one thing I can maybe offer a suggestion on though is the issue of general communications with the school. Does your class have a Facebook page? Ours does and we post reminders about dress down days, ask each other about homework deadlines, help track down lost pe kits, organise parent get togethers etc. Maybe your class could do this and other parents in your class could take photos of announcements on the whiteboard outside the class and post on FB so you can see what is going on? Not all parents want to be in the group, but it might help in your situation. Also, our HT's weeky parent mail includes a list of letters that have gone out to each year group that week, eg Y1 photo letter, Y1-6 Christmas fete, Y5 residential trip etc.

Will post roughly the email I sent, as I'm really worried I've had no response and hope I haven't just made things loads worse :(

I was aiming for not minimizing that there really are important things that we need to talk about, but I hope was not confrontational but stressing the need to sort things out.

I was trying to get her ideas on the best way to talk / connect... To get her involved and feeling like I wanted her input vs just a rant!

I don't know why I'm surprised that she hasn't replied, considering the general level of communication.

I feel like I have to go to the parents eve to get any engagement or response from her at all... And as she's so difficult for me to engage with, I want to give her a chance to actually get involved and do her stuff before going over her head.

To me (& everyone else on this thread!), the issues are clear and really important, but to the teacher, she hasn't even heard about them yet. I feel that she should know what's going on and that it's not been ok, especially as she was briefed on DS hearing loss, my disability and other family circumstances... But I have to assume (initially) that for some reason, none of that actually got inside her head, and she hasn't connected any of the (bloody obvious!) dots together. So from her perspective, this is the first she's hearing of it all.

Mind you, the paranoid conflict avoiding bit of me is freaking out that she's going to pull some kind of horribleness at parents eve, like refusing to talk to me or belittling my concerns, or telling me DS is just naughty and horrible and they're going to carry on as they're doing... Or getting the new head teacher to intervene (who is bloody terrifying I admit) Arghh! Safe to say I'm dreading this!!!!!

DS is poorly today, which is a shame as I wanted to make the point that I'm pulling DS out of the sports club after school until this is sorted out, as that's the activity where the teacher has threatened DS with being sent to the ht if he gets caught 'not listening' one more time. DS was so relieved when I said he didn't have to go, he's been fretting about it all half term. I thought it would show I'm taking it seriously, as they sent letters saying that once children are signed up to an activity that they must attend each week without fail.

But doesn't matter now as DS was up all night with a tummy bug.

Dear teacher

nice pleasantries...

Then ... Wanted to set up an appointment but parent eve is upon us already so I'm not quite sure what to do...

There are a number of topics that I feel need discussion and action (see bottom of email), and I do not think the parents evening is the best forum for doing this, given the small amount of time and lack of privacy, so am not quite sure how to proceed?

If you are available (blah blah) it would be good to sit down and talk to you then, prior to parents evening, but if not then I guess we’ll have to start off a conversation (blah blah) at the parents evening, and then continue it soon after.

I hope you can suggest the best way to address the various topics that do need dealing with in more than the 10 minutes of parents evening – when I’ll be in a lot of pain anyway from the waiting time on children's size chairs if last years is anything to go by!

Warm regards, and looking forwards to hearing from you,

Me.

Here are the topics that I feel need to be discussed, with the aim of the school and parents supporting and working together, and solving some of the problems that are happening at the moment.

1. Awareness and consequences of DS hearing loss

- fluctuating, sensory overload, concentration and tiredness etc. - operation scheduled very soon

1. Adjustments & planning to help mitigate effects of ear/ hearing problems across all school environments
2. Discipline and punishments
3. Learning and engagement
4. Communication and organisation
5. Awareness of ongoing family situation and pastoral care

E-mail looks fine. When did you send it? On teaching days, I don't log into my school e-mail until after school, as there is no opportunity to do so during the day, and before school I am setting up the classroom for the day, so be realistic about how quickly you might get a response. She may also be checking with e.g. SENCo, head, old teacher before replying.

Sent it late Tuesday, don't think she'll reply now as it was her afternoon not teaching (sorry forgotten what it's called!) yesterday so that's when I thought I'd get a reply.

I guess I'd hoped for a short note suggesting what to do about meeting, radio silence makes me worry...

I am concerned that I've given them enough info to get them deciding their position and justifying themselves, whilst not enough info to get them to understand the whole issue/ and being constructive about it.

I know that's my brain working overtime, but she's been so avoidant that I'm worried what she's avoiding, and whether an 'attack as defense' will be the next way of avoiding me as I'm forcing myself on her...

Bah humbug!

Honestly, my DS is disabled and until i got serious about it, nothing got done adequately.

I do hear what you're saying, but at this point you need to speak to the Head Teacher and DEMAND a meeting with him/her and the SENCo.

This is shocking and absolutely discriminatory and unacceptable treatment of your DS, and i honestly dont think being nice about it is going to fly. You need to get your mama bear hat on and go kick some teacher butt!

i tried being nice and polite, and it wasn't until i basically gave the HT both barrels and read him the riot act over their disability policies and how badly they were failing my son (polite but no-nonsense, firm speaking) that he finally dealt with it.

tbh, it might be worth linking your thread over in the Special Needs topic, the posters over there know their shit ;)

Ring school. Talk to the admin person. Say 'I've sent an e-mail to X, and am concerned I haven't had a response, as I wanted to book a time to meet her. Please could you find out when I will hear from her with a meeting time as I will need to make appropriate work arrangements'.

Do you ave a parents' evening time? If so, take your e-mail along with you then and simply use it as an agenda - when you're still at point 1 after 10 minutes, say 'It's clear we do need another meeting, isn't it? Do you have a date in mind or shall I arrange it through the school secretary? Who else needs to be at the meeting - perhaps the SENCo?'

Oh, and never worry about being THAT parent.

You are your childs one and only advocate. If you don't fight for him, who will?

Be THAT parent, wear the fucking. "Yes i AM THAT PARENT" hat and wear it proud.

(I would agree with the person I cross-posted with - absolutely get seriosu, and work from the top down, if you're not getting a good response from the class teacher. is there a deputy head, if the HT is scary / in another building?)