Help me handle this please- don't want to be That Parent!

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

There's been such a massive jump from Reception class to Yr1 in terms of the teaching, expectations, punishments and communication ...

And I don't want to be That Parent but I'm pretty sure some of this isnt ok, but I want to make sure I deal with it correctly rather than being dismissed as being unrealistic/ demanding etc.

So... 3 different but over lapping situations happening, but I'll share 1 as been trying to post for ages & not finishing the OP!

So

1. DS is very deaf though hearing fluctuates. School knows this, was told new teacher was briefed thoroughly. I have reminded her and also he's gone to ENT appointments in school time which the teacher has approved herself. He now has to have an operation, which maybe gives me a reason to bring it up yet again?

So near beginning of term DS kept getting upset as teacher would tell him off for not doing things and although that seems to have stopped I'm not sure she actually helps him or checks he's heard, I think DS has stopped trying to please her instead :(

He's turned his attention to friendships instead and is best friends with one boy who just never listens, and when they're together DS (who tbh is very up for following others) and the boy are terrible together. It's so easy for DS to stop listening as its really hard work for him to follow what's going on, and I see how tired DS gets at home trying to concentrate and keep up. So DS loves getting absorbed in playing with his friend, and he knows he shouldn't be, but having seen them together, it appears that DS friend knows he's ignoring people enough to stop doing it after being warned, but as DS can't hear a sodding thing anyone says unless they're directly in front of him, he carries on way after when it's acceptable, and it's gone from DS being withdrawn and not following the class (& his friend being renowned for not listening), to DS being the 'naughty one' who gets in trouble all the time but as he gets something out of being silly and loud (friendship) but as he still gets told off even when he's trying to be good, and he seems to accept there's nothing he can do to please his teacher...

So, I don't want to be dismissed or ignored by being the parent excusing her little darling from being a right pain,.. But I am bloody angry about this having written it down - why has no one thought to relate this to his significant hearing loss?!

So he's now getting into trouble for it on a regular basis... Not that they've bothered to tell me or raise it as an issue, but my child has now been punished by really 'grown up punishments' which scare him a lot, Yet the friend although I'm not excusing his behavior, gets away with it as he can hear when to stop in time to avoid getting into trouble - Obviously I don't think I should say anything about the friend to the teacher - unless I suggest separating them at trouble spots? But then if nothing else changes DS just lost the only thing he enjoys about school...

By grown up punishments I mean he's gone from moving down to the cloud etc, to no minor punishments at all, and having to stand by the wall for lunchtime in front of the other classes, DS was scared he wasn't allowed to go back into his classroom and would be trapped outside alone, as no one explained what would happen (or he didn't hear). And this was after another boy got into trouble and had the same punishment for 'pushing DS over deliberately' and DS was too scared to tell the teachers they misunderstood what had happened, and made it worse by crying because it was so unfair and it was his fault so the teachers penalized the other boy even more for 'making DS cry'... Ffs.

And the final straw for me is in an after school club he's been told that if he 'doesn't listen' one more time he'll be sent to the head teacher. He's asked to give up the activity as he knows he cant stop it happening again, and he's terrified of being sent to the head (who's in a completely different building, and only really bad incidents end in going to the ht office, like punching another child or adult etc).

So what the hell do I do?

And to avoid drip dripping...
Other issues:

1. I'm disabled and so can't drop off / pick up very much, and am missing out on loads of communication as its so chaotic eg notes get put in some bags but not all, yet even when I realize we've not had one the teacher will not just give me the letter, and will need asking every drop off and pick up for days and days (until after closing date for trips etc). Then some communication comes by email / parent mail, some on a white board outside the classroom door, some with random paper notes... Basically it's a mess and I can't do anything to ensure DS keeps up as she's not communicating in a way that's compatible with me being disabled (or working parents etc too, & I'm both disabled & working). I asked for her email and she gave two different ones... And I don't know what I'd say in a mail either as I don't want the first communication I manage to have with her to be a massive complaint / accusation. To make all this more frustrating, there was a formal handover which specifically said that I need them to be consistent in the way they communicate because it's so difficult for me to get there/ keep up with short notice stuff.

1. Constant admin and communication errors which never get acknowledged like DS doesn't have his reading books changed for weeks though others are getting regular changed books - then WE get told off for not doing school reading books etc etc, or homework not taken in though it's given into school on the correct day, and DS gets marked down as failing to complete homework... it's something like that every single week and I'm getting the impression DS is being overlooked and marked down because of it.

1. I suspected he's been coasting for ages this term, he's completely disengaged from class work as he gets no encouragement or praise, and expectation are clearly low. He's on a very low reading band, in spite of reading loads at home, and tells me he's 'bad at Maths' which I've been rather surprised at as leaving reception he was praised for his advanced Maths (?!). School signed up to athletics on Friday, and each child was set at their level, and having done some with him, no wonder he's disengaged, he's so bored... So I encouraged him to get through the too easy stuff so he can get to more interesting stuff, and without my doing more than reminding him to press the submit button, he sped through it and got 1600 points in 3 short sessions over 2 days (they get a certificate if they get 1000 points in a week). it was a bit of a shock for me as I've been trusting the school know what they're doing, except they don't do they?

Reading this looooong post makes me realize - this isn't right is it?

Yes have appointment time on Mon afternoon.

I'm oscillating between angry, upset and trying to be rational and get my work not disabled mum head on. However I think that heads gone on holiday and I only have the emoting heads left! I'm really struggling to separate communicating my emotional reaction to what's happening, and behaving in a way that will get the best result I want.

I want to go in there and ask why the hell my son is being punished for a sensory impairment which they already know about??? And on what planet is it acceptable or professional for teachers to be doing ooh, nearly everything that's happening!!! And why the hell I am having to chase after them to ask them to do their basic job at a personal cost to myself (physically over doing it)? Grrrrr, and yes, I'm bloody angry!!!!

I need to go in and establish a working relationship based on mutual respect that means I can get listened to and get constructive skilled participation from the school/ that teacher, not just this time but for the rest of the school year and beyond.

And I suspect I'll probably actually go in and say half a sentence and start crying. Arrrggghhhh!

Do you have someone else who can come to the meeting with you? It could be a friend, a work colleague, someone who knows your DS well e.g. from pre-school or nursery? Just having someone there to take notes may help.

However, crying may actually be absolutely the best thing to do. Preferably in full view of the HT and the SENCo, and if you have a family liaison officer, them as well. Whatever it takes to make them appreciate the seriousness of the situation and the pain it is causing you...

Don't be worried about crying! BTDT! I was so frustrated at one point i blubbed on the HT!

Do take someone with you if you can, a friend or someone as some moral support.

I don't have anyone :( Am isolated. All I have is struggling and being ill, trying to keep working, and DS. That's it. Those are the only things I can do, and clearly not very well or DS wouldn't be in this position.

Rubbish! You're doing brilliantly - but the school isn't playing their part.

Think about last year - when the reception class teacher was playing her part, your DS was doing well. Now he isn't doing so well. What has changed? Not you, but the teacher.

If you don't have anyone, we'll just have to shout louder from the sidelines, then. And do call the organisations suggested above for specialist input, because once they're involved, they can come along with you to this kind of thing.

I feel that there MUST be parent advocate groups out there, but it's not something I know about - maybe ask on the SEN board? Or someone else on this thread may know?

thing is, you shouldn't have to go in and have this conversation every year, this stuff should be on his file and passed from teacher to teacher.

I had this very argument with my Ds's school as EVERY year i was having to go in and cause chaos for the same reasons over and over.

I told the HT that enough was enough, and basically, if i had to do it again, i'd be going over his head to the LEA.

You need a simple message to put in the teachers head.

You are punishing a deaf child for not listening. Do you see anything inappropriate in that?

Bugger I just wrote a long and chirpy post saying how much I appreciate all the help and how ridiculously heavy weather I'm making of it and you're all being so patient... And then something startled me and I wiped it in one fell swoop. Grrrr.

Imagine a message like that but perky and with a joke in it...

And now the sobering bit that I will rewrite:

My carer/helper/nanny etc just pointed out that DS's tummy 'bug' today could be anxiety not a bug after all.

:(

And no I hadn't thought about that but as soon as she pointed it out I realized DS has been complaining of tummy ache every bedtime for weeks. Which I've been ignoring apart from being comforting and hugs, tummy rubs, occasional warm milk if it doesn't get forgotten about after snuggles.

I think I got it wrong :( I thought it was his anxiety about pain and injury (from having an ill mummy), and I thought I was showing him that pain can just be our bodies grumbling not something scary or terrible.

But now I think I missed it and of course it's school anxiety, better on Friday nights, and first days of half term, much worse on Thursday nights - which I did clock as I thought it was strange as hey, tomorrow is Friday. But Friday's the sports club with the teacher threatening head teacher... So basically, the worst thing DS can think of happening.

I don't want to start blaming everything on this, but it does sound likely... doesn't it?

And for some reason this is making me feel more certain about going to the SENCO and not feeling so bound into going through the class teacher.

Maybe that's my simple truth:

You are punishing a deaf child for not listening. And he's so anxious it's (you're) making him sick. Do you see anything inappropriate in that?

Yeah, I think I'm ok about making a noise about that. And I think I'm ok being the mother that cries about that. That's not weakness is it?

(Ok for tonight anyway, bet there's many a wobble before Monday!).

Could your carer / helper / nanny come with you to the meeting? 'Cos it sounds like she has a good insight into your DS, and could do that 'well' actually, I've noticed this pattern... ' which is hard to ignore.

(And she could take notes for you, which may be a help if you're in an emotional state)

In lreland so things are different but here if a child has a hearing difficulty the teacher wears a Mike.. Little One like on tv..and the speakers are specially set to suit the child. No one knows it's for that particular child. There is a special grant for it. A teacher for the deaf supervises everything for the child and if the loss is severe they get resource hours with a teacher to make sure they don't fall behind. That school is horrible and actually being mean instead of making sure he is getting extra help. Is there no sound system in his classroom?

I would make a formal request in writing for an URGENT private meeting with the senco and HT.

Our school usually has the SENCO and HT available for appointments on parents eve as well as the class teachers?

You aren't making a fuss, they are failing him. He thrived in reception when his disability was catered for in a very simple way - they ensured he understood what was expected of him and that he heard request and praise. It's not really much to ask of them!

Can you ring the school and ask for the teacher to ring you? Our email don't go out to parents and this is how we communicate with parents we don't see face to face plus its much easier to put your point across and make sure it's taken seriously. Keep badgering until she contacts you

I've learnt not to bring a carer anywhere important (like hospitals, school appointments, banks etc), unless they are kept very much out of any direct interaction (waiting outside), or if I have a strong pre-existing relationship with the person I need to see.

It seems to feed the carer = minder / 'in charge', and it can get really tricky (& offensive), when it becomes an issue.

I'm afraid I don't have much faith in the class teacher (or ht) ability to treat me as an equal and behave sensibly, and the last thing I want them to do is to give them another way to bypass involving me.

Re communication, I really want to find a solution that means I even get the basic communication, let alone specific to DS stuff!

This school don't do teacher-parent phone calls, but do emails, they're not personal ones but one for each year which the teacher and main TA can access or reply to.

It worked really well last year in conjunction with the parent mail letters the class teacher sent and all the other newsletters and the head teachers letters by mail too.

So far this term it's a random hodge podge of parent mail, paper letters supposedly put in school bags but mostly not, and the absence of the letters only caught when I saw people handing in slips and I asked what that was, or the parent volunteers chase sponsorship and I ask what's that about then, or when a child tells me about his school piano lessons... Oh and the random notes on the door or messages on a wipe-board which might appear one morning but not the afternoon or other random chaos!

All so unpredictable and chaotic, with one source of info contradicting another & no indication that one is updated, or which is the correct version...

Really difficult when carers and nannies are doing drop offs and pick ups, never knowing what they'll have to try and work out, or communicate back to me, or whether the info they have to go on is correct, existing or updated, or randomly wrong etc etc etc.

And the final ridiculousness are the smug head teacher letters which say things like 'you said... I listened', with lots of PR gumf to show how dynamic and amazing it all is. Ironically, parents wanted more communication - yes, sounds good so far!,,, but then a whole list of 'I listened and implemented x, y and z... None of which have resulted in any communication at all, things that I suspect get in the way of actual communication like now each class teacher has to do a weekly blog, on top of everything else!

It all feels like a frivolous extras... I need simple, direct communication. And that I can book it in someone / contact teachers somehow and have actual two sides dialogue, not more ways for the school to broadcast their fabulousness!

Sigh.

I think you need to demand a phone call with the teacher. I don't know of any school that would deny than. Have school outright said since the start of the year that they won't ring you or is it just an unwritten rule?

Well she finally emailed back with a suggestion that I don't go to parents evening and meet her ... One or two weeks later!!!

For fucks sake, he's having his op in a couple of weeks... And no, and not fucking ok with my child being punished nearly every single day until then!!!

Sat down with DS today and tried to work out how many times it's happened. Allowing for the vagueness of a 5 yr old, and the not much concept of numbers, we tried to remember specific times and he came up with 9+ specific times and thought there were quite a few more that have blurred into one...

Am having a cry again. Didn't realize it was so bad. Don't know what to do, as I need to get hold of the Senco/ someone more senior asap, as I can't send my child back into this :(

Just ring them on Monday and demand a meeting with either the class teacher or SENCO asap. I would still go to parents evening regardless as at least you can highlight the importance of it while you are waiting to see her. Don't be mugged off. Have you actually tried ringing the school yet or has all your communication been by email?

Was under the impression that ringing was only for communication with the office itself, reporting in sick etc. and leaving messages for teachers which may or may not get to them...

Ringing is hard for me so I tend to only phone if that's the best option and I won't be on hold for long as it really takes it out of me and so it needs to be for a good reason!

But yes, I do need to ring on Monday to ask if I can speak to the Senco (or the dreaded ht) at the parents evening or if not, by phone Monday instead.

Mugged off is exactly the right words for it! Yes, I feel mugged off and I'm fucked off about it!

How's this for an email reply? Except it's too long (ranting!) so need to edit lots!

Dear x
Thanks for your reply.

I'm afraid the situation has now reached crisis point and needs urgent communication and intervention right now.

I will be coming in on Monday to parents evening and I really need you to be actively involved in coming up with an urgent plan of action that deals with the most urgent issues immediately, and then the longer term priorities within the next week to 10 days.

As the school is aware, I am severely disabled and cannot physically be at the school to access staff or get around barriers as other parents can. So I'm hoping you can help me use the time I am at the school most effectively.

Whether it's yourself as the point of communication with other staff members, or whether a that's better done by the SENCO teacher, it needs to be done urgently, and I hope you can help me use Monday to get in touch with the right person and get an immediate solution to the most pressing issue, so that it can be actioned the next day.

My child can no longer cope with the experiences he's having to go through at school and there needs to be a hard stop to this current situation as a matter of urgency.

This needs to happen before other discussions happen at a pace that works with adult schedules - though are still time sensitive, and need to happen and outcomes be in place before DS operation.

Perhaps it's not been clear that this situation has been ongoing and getting worse for quite some time, due to barriers in communication exacerbated by my physical limitations and resulting inability to get around these barriers.

Obviously I want dS to have a good relationship with school, and enjoy coming to school, which has been under pressure this year, and longer term this needs dealing with, but over the half term he has shown quite how distressed and anxious he is, and going back to school has confirmed those anxieties for him. He is now so anxious and scared about situations beyond his control that it's making him physically ill, as well as not being able to sleep, waking crying in the night etc. I feel I would be failing him to allow this situation to continue.
...

Be that parent. You have every right to be that parent.

Go in there and go through all your concerns. All of them. Write them all down before hand and check them off as you go through them. Then you want concrete, documented solutions to each issue. I used to take a dictaphone to meetings for my DD so I could record what was said otherwise I'd forget.

Most importantly set a date/time for your next meeting to review how it's going (and keep them focused as they know you'll be back).

God I am being ridiculously over emotional aren't I! I can't believe how I keep howling and being totally falling apart... Then 30mins later I'm back to ok, it's a problem, but I can handle it... I feel slightly crazy about this and this thread is keeping me sane! Bonkers.

Anyway, yes, recording is an excellent plan, then I can get carer to type it up for me and then I've got accurate notes, great idea thanks.

Just wanted to say that the whole 'Be THAT parent, wear the fucking. "Yes i AM THAT PARENT" hat and wear it proud' thing is making me smile and stop being soft :)

I'm imagining wearing that 'yes I'm that parent' hat (bright pink and shaped like a Santa hat FYI!) ... And wearing nothing else except my fierceness

Maybe I could add a modesty placard ...

Hi OP. I run an alternative provision company and have taught SEN for 6 years.

Please BE that parent. With knobs on. I'm furious on your son's behalf.

PS there are lots of strategies that the school could adopt to sort this out. Yes to sitting him nearer the teacher. Some basic sign language and definitely some signs that the teachers can use to attract his attention to signal 'stop', 'time to work', 'read the board', etc etc etc. If one issue is the other boy, then they need separating. If another is that he isn't listening in sports then the teacher has a duty to communicate with ALL the pupils, not just some. The SENCO should be working with the teaching staff on addressing his needs so that he is being included. Not punished FFS.

Grrrr. I'm fuming.

OP can I ask how your disability affects you? Is there a way that the school can support you in being able to get there and have more face to face contact?

But definitely ring and demand a meeting. Say it's urgent and you won't be put off considering how long that you've been trying to get in contact.
Also the email is too wordy in my opinion I'd just say how urgent the matter is rather than explaining the issue others may disagree though