Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Not happy dd not allowed to sit next to her best friend anymore

87 replies

SSSandy · 06/11/2006 20:42

I don't know if this is usual practice but 2 months after school begin the teacher shuffled some of the dc around and dd was told she can no longer sit next to her bestfriend but has to sit between two boys she doesn't much like and her friend has to sit next to a girl he doesn't like. Does this happen in your dc's class too.

They've just started school and dd and her friend were very happy. They've been best friends for about 4 years, playing together nearly every day and they're not disruptive, do their work, play with other dc too, they're not problem makers in any way.

Dd is SO unhappy. She cried all afternoon and I don't know what to do about it. There's no chance to meet up with this friend out of school at the moment so this is really the only chance they had to be close.

Thinking of approaching the teacher about it. Makes me really angry because it seems so pointless. A Polish mum told me this happened in her ds' class a lot too and it may be common practice in Germany, I don't know.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

tigermoth · 07/11/2006 23:30

What happens if ANOTHER child wants to sit next to your dd and her mother asks the teacher to make this happen? Should the teacher move your dd so she sits with the other child?

The teacher said your dd had the best social skills in the class so she could soon be very popular, with a queue of children wanting to sit next to her .... could be tricky.

sharkjump · 07/11/2006 23:33

I seat children with regard to where they will learn best. Occasionally that means a 'model' student ends up sitting next to one of the group's 'characters', if I feel that will benefit them both.

Student preferences DO come into it - if they're unhappy, we discuss it & sort it.

Parental preferences? Not a chance. They are more than welcome to come in & be their ds/dd's seatmate, though.

wetweekend · 08/11/2006 00:33

Oh dear... This raises so many issues...

Couldn't you have explained the positive side of this to your dd and asked her to give it a week or two before deciding she hated the new seating arrangement? If indeed she has such great social skills, surely she would have survived next to someone who wasn't her best friend?

Why wasn't your daughter able to sort this out herself if, as the teacher said, she has the best social skills in the class? TBH, I get the feeling the teacher may have told you that just to placate you. Crying all afternoon over something she could have tried to deal with herself without Mummy kicking up a fuss doesn't sound like great social skills to me.

What have you taught your dd about respect? Or perseverance? Now she knows that if something doesn't go her way, mummy will sort it out. Not a great life-lesson, is it? I mean, you're not always going to be able 'help', are you? You do know that, one day (and sooner rather than later), she's going to have to stick up for herself?

Not only will you now have a reputation amongst the staff which, judging by your tone, you probably already did, your daughter will have a reputation among her friends as the one who runs to mummy. I really do not think you have helped her in the long run.

All teachers know that if a child is unhappy they won't learn (or behave) as well, so it is in their interest to make sure the kids are ok. And, although you are her parent, the teacher knows her class best and knows more about your daughter in school than you do. Kids are surprisingly different when their parents are not around. This is the teachers job. What makes you think you know more about classroom management than her?

Next time, give her a chance to learn something before jumping in to 'rescue' her. She would have survived and maybe even have made a new friend or two.

bloss · 08/11/2006 00:37

Message withdrawn

juuule · 08/11/2006 08:31

Just a moment. I'm a bit surprised by the strength of the replies against SSSandy speaking for her child.
Comments such as:
"Crying all afternoon over something she could have tried to deal with herself without Mummy kicking up a fuss doesn't sound like great social skills to me."
"Now she knows that if something doesn't go her way, mummy will sort it out. Not a great life-lesson, is it? I mean, you're not always going to be able 'help', are you? You do know that, one day (and sooner rather than later), she's going to have to stick up for herself?"
I'm presuming as this child has just started school she is about 5yo. Is she supposed to have no-one to speak up for her if she has a problem at this age. Why isn't her age being taken into account? Okay one day she will have to stick up for herself. Just maybe not now. If anything mum is demonstrating by example how she could stick up for herself as she gets older.
"All teachers know that if a child is unhappy they won't learn (or behave) as well, so it is in their interest to make sure the kids are ok."
So surely it's in everyone's interest for the parent to bring it to the teacher's attention if the child is unhappy.
"you'd be the subject of much gossip and hilarity in the staffroom"
So parents concerned about their child and bringing it to teacher's attention are generally up for mockery and ridicule?
"Parental preferences? Not a chance."
But the impression that I got was this was the child's preference not the parent's.
I'm a bit surprised at the intensity of feeling against what appeared to me to be a parent and teacher addressing a problem together.

Peridot30 · 08/11/2006 09:35

Mt ds 's seating plan was all changed after october week.He Wasn't happy that he had been moved from his friend but you cant get everything your own way in life and he just has to deal with it. Which he has.I wouldn't go running to the teacher over something so trivial.

jampots · 08/11/2006 09:37

arent children moved according to ability groups etc? i think its a good thing to help them mix more. how old is dd?

jabberwocky · 08/11/2006 09:44

I finally had to break down and read this thread as it kept popping up so often.

FWIW, I think one of the main issues is that there is no playtime at the school. A bit shocking to find that out, but I guess that's Germany for you. So, if it was really no big deal to the teacher and was for SSSandy's dd, then why not make the little girl happy at school? She's got enough time in her life to be made to do things she doesn't particularly want to do, maybe every now and then kids need a break.

Original poster

SSSandy · 08/11/2006 09:53

"Why wasn't your daughter able to sort this out herself if, as the teacher said, she has the best social skills in the class? TBH, I get the feeling the teacher may have told you that just to placate you. Crying all afternoon over something she could have tried to deal with herself without Mummy kicking up a fuss doesn't sound like great social skills to me."

I wasn't bothered really by anything else on this thread. I don't see eye to eye with a lot of people on MN on various issues whether I express my disagreement or not. However this comment about my dd I find extremely offensive and I won't be returning to MN as a result of this.

OP posts:

stleger · 08/11/2006 09:53

Perhaps there is an issue of lack of communication - I can't remember if it was ever explained to me as a parent that children would move. it didn't surprise me as I used to move places at primary school, with no say in the matter. Maybe it should be explained to new parents, and maybe the children should also be told why it is happening - to give everyone a chance to make more friends, whatever. I think I have only asked for kids to be moved if there is a major problem - constant kicking by someone, or pencil theft! Probably once for each child in their 8 year primary school lives. (DS complained last night that his English teacher hasn't let them move in 3 years at secondary school!)

frogs · 08/11/2006 10:13

Oh SSSandy, don't take it to heart, people don't know your dd!

FWIW I know that German schools are very different institutions from British ones -- in the UK the teachers do concern themselves with the children's social and emotional development, whereas in Germany there is a tendency for schools to see themselves as there to deliver the academic curriculum in the specified manner and no more. And the compressed school day means there is little time for the children to socialise within school, fall out and make up as they do in the UK.

SSSandy it would be a shame to see you go because of one tactless comment.

Tinkerboo · 08/11/2006 10:23

If your child is upset by smthing, fine you need to discuss it with the teacher.
But I think it was Sandy's tone that angered many of us
the 'demand and get what I want mentality.'

Schools can't and shouldn't run on the basis of whoevers mother shouts loudest gets their own way. there needs to be fairness and equity and respect(not kow towing) of the teachers professionalism. I don't think Sandy displyed this and her attitude angered me. (clamer now tho .

Schools are not run on a business/commercial model, eg. fight for what you want and there's winners/losers, as sandy seemed to suggest, and thank God for that. They involve children all who have parents who want the best for theirs and most of us can stand back and reasonably see this and so not make 'demands' left right and center.

I think S made a few fundemental mistakes in attitude, and actually I found it quite unpleasant. It's the same attituse as Q barging.Yep it's middle class middle age Qbarging.eg 'sod evry one else as long as I get what I want.'
Not nice.

jampots · 08/11/2006 10:26

agree with tinkerboo

TwinklingTinselAndTenaLady · 08/11/2006 10:28

I havent read all the thread but as somebody that helps receptiion class teachers twice a week, I can say that the child you have at home isnt always the child that is seen in the classroom atmosphere.

This is not saying that the child has been moved because she is disruptive but maybe she is being distracted.

She has plenty of time to play with her friend at playtime etc.

She will get over it and move on.

juuule · 08/11/2006 10:28

None of Sandy's posts came across like that to me. She has sounded quite reasonable about the whole thing.

LadyTophamHatt · 08/11/2006 10:33

Sorry....I know this isn't at all helpful but I couldn't help a little at this thread.

I really have no idea who, what or where my Ds's sit in class, I don't actually think I've ever asked Ds1 who he sits with!!! Ds2 is a head in the clouds type so I'm not sure he'd know or care who he sat with....
it's entirely up to the teacher how she deals with them when they are at school.

I don't understand the "No playtimes as such" post. That can't be right, can it?

Tinkerboo · 08/11/2006 10:34

Juules:
@
'I insist on having it sorted the way I want'
'like all business/beauratic dealings'
'she figured out I'm a difficult mother'
'I wasn't having any of it'
'she will only move DD after speaking to me first'
Not the way to approach it I think, and not the way to run a school.

TwinklingTinselAndTenaLady · 08/11/2006 10:36

Some kids are emotionally drawn to others. My ds has this friend who he loves to cuddle and kiss and talks about all the time.

I talk with him about this friend but honestly I dont want to encourage this as a full on bessy mates situation I dont think it is healthy.

He has left this friend alone now and has widened his circle which is better for everyone.

jampots · 08/11/2006 10:36

going back to the OP if they've played together every day for the last 4 years surely it would be good to mix with other children more. Have you moved house or something recently which could be why they no longer can play together out of school? Perhaps thats where you need to focus your energies - help them get together out of the classroom either at yours or hers

juuule · 08/11/2006 10:49

Tinkerboo - as I saw it.....
'I insist on having it sorted the way I want'

But you missed off
"unless I'm thoroughly convinced my the school's arguments" by which I assumed she would support the school.

'like all business/beauratic dealings'

I didn't quite see what she meant by this but thought she meant the general communications people have when a difficult/problem situation arose.

'she figured out I'm a difficult mother'

Saw this as possibly berating herself? I know I've said things like this if I think I may have upset someones plans and wished that I didn't have to.

'I wasn't having any of it'

Surely just meaning she wasn't prepared to take the pr waffle that parents are sometimes on the receiving end of.

'she will only move DD after speaking to me first'

Took this as meaning the teacher hadn't realised how upset Sandy's dd was and until things were more settled she would use Sandy to confirm things were okay with her dd.

Sandy also said
"She's a good sort. You can speak to her very directly and she takes it well. I like her, nice, down-to-earth quite humourous woman."
Which suggested to me that the meeting had been amicable and a good relationship had been established.

"Not the way to approach it I think, and not the way to run a school."
I don't think it's a bad approach at all. I'm not sure about the running a school thing but it must be in the children's interest for parents and teachers to be working together in their best interests.

Tinkerboo · 08/11/2006 11:36

Juules, we obviously interpreted a different tone.

I took the tone to be one of being proud to be so difficult and using it to get her way, regardless. And I just don't think this would be an issue which warrants that, and I didn't like the attitude as I saw it.

You obviously interpreted a differnt tone. Fair do's, agree to differ? maybe you know S and therefore can interpret her better?

fennel · 08/11/2006 11:37

Being one of the "good girls" and being put to sit next to one of the smelly badly behaved boys at school really *sucks". 30 years on I still resent it

noddyholder · 08/11/2006 11:38

My ds was seperated from his best friend aged 5 as they were chatterboxes and the school policy was to move people around Now nearly 8 yrs later the boys still walk to secondary school together and it had no effect on them whatsoever.Better to get use to this sort of thing as it happens a lot as they change classes and then schools

foundintranslation · 08/11/2006 11:47

LTH - Sandy is in Germany. School in Germany, especially at primary level, is a morning-only affair - often a primary child will start at 8 and be finished my 11.30 or 12. There might be a short morning break (possibly 15-20 mins) but no playtime/lunch break as schools in the UK have.

juuule · 08/11/2006 13:24

Tinker - no, I don't know sssandy. Do you? Your right, it looks like we've put different interpretations on the posts. Agree to differ

Flip

1 2 3 4